So, yeah, read House of Hades and had some Nico feels to share...Contains some spoilers for HoH, but tried not to make any major plot-point ones
Reviews much appreciated.
Just in case you were wondering, I'm not Rick Riordan, so Percy and co. don't belong to me.
He takes solace once again in his lies. Being forced to tell the truth – that was a torture almost worse than all those in Tartarus
(which Percy must be facing, even now, Percy and Annabeth together.)
It has been so long since he was honest. Not only with others; with himself. It scares him. Lies are his armour. When they are gone, he is weak. Vulnerable. At the mercy of others. The mercy of Jason, who distrusts him (and why shouldn't he?), dislikes him (who wouldn't?) and has no reason to protect him (who does?)
So he lies, as soon as he can, as soon as the helplessness fades. When Cupid has played his game, torn the armour to pieces like paper, drawn the truth out from the lies and set it free, Nico tries to catch it, pin it back under the layers of deceptions. He mutters something at Jason, about it just being a crush, and that he's over it. Jason doesn't fall for it, he knows, but it's a start. It's all he can say.
And even as he says it, feeling some relief at the habit, he can feel Cupid. He expects the stupid god to exact some revenge, some fresh humiliation (worse than having to say the one secret that matters?) but in the end it's almost worse. Cupid is amused. He's laughing – only in Nico's ear, he can tell – chuckling at some great joke that Nico hasn't quite realised is there.
High in the rigging once again, where he doesn't have to speak to anyone (doesn't have to see them shy away from him), he tries to rebuild his shell.
Annabeth and Percy, Percy and Annabeth. Ever since he has known them, it has always been them. From day one, when they were a team, to the last day, when Percy plunged into Hades' Hell rather than let her go, they've been a pair. Two halves. And every time he sees one, he thinks of the other. And he cannot think of them in isolation, no matter how hard he tries. They are one and the same: Percy and Annabeth.
(and that hurts his heart, much as he wishes he didn't have one)
Frank looked ready to punch him when Hazel was injured because he was too slow, even though they both know she's not exactly defenceless herself. If the same happened to Annabeth, Percy would be the same. But not if it were Nico. He would be angry, yes, protective, yes, but for different reasons. Because Nico was still almost a kid to him (ouch), still the child he swore to a dying demigod he'd protect (ouch), and because Percy tries to protect everyone (ouch). Just as Nico would be angry at Frank if it had been the other way around (ouch)
(and every time, his heart hurts a little more)
It wasn't so bad, to begin with. At first it was hero-worship, because Percy was a hero, even if he let Nico down majorly on that first quest, he was still the first to try to help, to show Nico that all this myth and magic and god stuff was real. Then that mixed with affection and gratitude, that Percy had given him a chance after Nico's own betrayal, had given him the chance that led to his father's pride, to a cabin at camp and a chance to fit in.
But of course, it didn't last. A child of Hades never fits in. He had always known that, but he let himself believe. And the first moment he saw Percy with Annabeth and was jealous, years of belief were torn away.
(because realising he wished it was him Percy looked at like that, cut him off from everyone, and his heart felt a new kind of pain, a pain that he hated and craved in equal measure)
And time passed, he became scarce around Camp, but returning sometimes to just see Percy, just to look.
(to probe for that pain, once more, to test it, to hope that one day, he'd look at the son of Poseidon and not feel like his heart was being torn in two)
But mostly he roamed far and wide, alone with his thoughts and his pain and his bitterness, until he found Camp Jupiter, a new start.
(but he doesn't want a new start, he wants the scent of the sea and the open smile and all the other things that are Percy, and he wants them to be his)
And he has re-learnt caution, if he ever truly forgot it. He will not be mocked, and cast aside. He does not remember much of his early life, but he has vague memories, mostly from the hotel, of gossip and giggling and the fact that to love another boy made him wrong.
(I am a son of Hades. Was I ever going to be right?)
He searched for the Doors, trying to do something to take himself from little-kid-Nico to Nico-the-hero, Nico-my-equal
(Nico-my-love)
And instead he needs rescuing, needs Percy's help, and even though there is the touch of admiration, respect, in the gaze, it isn't new – it's been there since the battle for Olympus, and he is still Bianca's little brother, and Percy is already dashing off to save Annabeth.
(with a different worry, a different respect, a different affection in his eyes, and Nico wants to scream with the pain)
Then they're hanging off of the edge, and Nico knows before it happens that Percy will not leave, will not save himself, will fall with Annabeth even if it is the end of him. And Nico hates it, hates that he had to be alone (no-one was there to catch my hand), that Annabeth will have Percy (because Percy makes everything better) and Percy will never leave Annabeth (even if she dies, he will never leave her, not really) and Nico cannot run away this time.
(because he can never leave Percy)
Up in the rigging, with the scent of the sea and the echo of Cupid's laugh, Nico sees the joke.
His only lie is the truth.
His heart does not break when he sees Percy, thinks of Percy, smells the sea and misses Percy. It does not break, but it hurts, again and again, every time, cracked and faceted but still going, still loving.
(Crushed)