Author's Note: Honestly, what is it with me and unlucky, cowardly people with mustaches? I'm starting to see a running theme in my choice of characters.

The Vicious Pirate and the Hapless Maiden

A perfect day. A perfect, sun-shining, gulls-calling, clouds-wafting, admiring-yourself-in-the-porthole-glass-because-you're-just-that-good day. Captain Linebeck could hardly have asked for better weather to pull up alongside a deserted island and take his leisure while the boy hero and his pet fairy took a nap. Kid deserved it after plowing through the Ocean King's temple for the fourth time (honestly, who designed the damn place? It was silly) for yet another sea chart, although Linebeck wasn't sure what the fairy'd been doing that was so strenuous.

Linebeck was a cautious sort of human being, the kind that preferred to let other people face the danger for him and then clean up afterwards. He wasn't much for big noble adventures and his treasure-seeking tended to keep him in the more civilized areas of the ocean. But traveling with Link, seeing far-off lands and fighting off monstrosities that he'd barely be able to look at his own, there was something really fulfilling about that. It made him feel young and wide-eyed again and he almost dreaded the thought of Link actually rescuing his girlfriend and leaving him on his own again.

Maybe he could get another partner if the kid went back with Tetra. Somebody who could handle the defensive aspects of things, there were always scary things out in the water, but still relied on his superior navigational skills to go to the edges of the map and beyond. Men could get famous that way, and maybe just a bit rich too, and he'd never planned on settling down even after he made it big. And if nobody had ever been there before, it meant nobody would be there to steal the treasure before he did.

There was the soft thump of footsteps on the deck behind him and Linebeck felt warm steel press against the back of his neck. A tanned form with slanted black eyes moved in behind his reflection and the day got a lot less perfect.

"Hello, Captain Linebeck." Jolene clicked the last syllable of his name as if she was flicking away an obtrusive insect. "Where's your little bodyguard? Not here to save your pathetic self this time, is he? You're all mine, now."

"Um," said Linebeck. He shut his eyes and screwed up his face, waiting for the first blow. He wasn't a fighter, he didn't even own a sword, he just hid behind things until the danger was over.

The she-pirate grabbed his shoulder and flipped him around with her blade still at his throat, smirking in that way only she could. It sent shivers down the back of his neck and he was never quite sure why.

"L-look, maybe we can come to some sort of arrangement, eh? I know I left on a bad note, but I could get back what I owe you, just give me a while, you know I'm good for it—"

"From what I've seen you're not good for much." The sword really was very sharp. "Pathetic fighter, pathetic sailor, pathetic lover, horrific excuse for a man without a scar on your body to prove your worth." She dragged the edge of the blade from his chin to his scarf, practically scraping the top layer of skin off. "And I know, I've seen all of it."

"Eep," said Linebeck. Jolene leaned closer with narrowed eyes, pressing against him until the only thing separated them was the width of her scimitar. Her skin was heated and held the musky scent of some strange exotic spice, something like…oh.

Oh, that was low.

Jolene's little vendetta had started back when they'd still been partners, albeit ones that were starting to avoid each other so that they wouldn't have to be the first to call off the relationship. Linebeck had, in a moment of utter folly and greed, abruptly decided to set off on his own without informing Jolene and taken a few of her more interesting sea chests along for the ride. He'd cursed himself for a fool when he found out that they were filled with sacks of funny-smelling strange red fibers that looked like bedding for a kid's pet hamster and unloaded the whole mess for 1,500 rupees at a pier market. Then he'd cursed himself for a greater fool when he'd found a few days later that Korok saffron went for that much money per pound.

Linebeck didn't think it was that great, but he could have used the money.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to kill you just yet," Jolene said with a cruel smile, even as she slid the flat of her blade back up to his shivering chin. "I still want a rematch with your little friend. He at least knows how to use a weapon."

"Oh," said Linebeck. This wasn't completely comforting, as it still left Jolene a lot of very unpleasant options.

"You remember those books you used to read?" Jolene purred, leaning in and nearly brushing her lips against his ear. "The ones you kept under the bunk and didn't want me to know about?"

"Erm," said Linebeck. He knew which books she was talking about, although he had no idea what they had to do with anything. He only had a few, well-worn with half the pages folded over or saturated with dried seawater from being read while he waited for a storm to abate. He considered them fine literature, excellent tales of adventure and romance upon the high seas in the style of the greatest bards, but even he had to admit the novels were rather heavy on the heaving bosoms.

"They were all about the bold and vicious pirate seducing the quivering and helpless maiden, I remember." And her free hand was sneaking under his coat, down his back to the base of his spine and farther than that. "I like that idea."

"Ah," said Linebeck, shrinking down and trying to disappear inside his own collar. "But the, um…I'm pretty sure the, ah, maidens are supposed to be women."

"Eh, details."

Linebeck winced as he felt the edge of her scimitar curl against his throat again. Jolene's hand started wandering downward again.

"Jolene…" he practically whimpered, backing up and trying to make himself one with the planking of his cabin. "This isn't fair." His experience as her semi-partner had taught him that most of the things people said about Gerudo women was true—both in fighting and in other departments. At times it actually got a bit scary.

"Oh, now you're playing the shrinking flower? Gone a bit soft without me, have you? Or…" Jolene said thoughtfully as her hand left his body and curled around to the pouch hanging at her waist. "Or perhaps I'm just not going about this the right way. What's your price?"

"My what?" Linebeck asked, raising one eyebrow and trying not to show his disappointment. Maybe the saffron was covering up the scent of something a bit more intoxicating; Jolene wasn't making a damned bit of a sense.

"Three hundred rupees, perhaps?" She held up a leather pouch and one-handedly wiggled out a few red crystals to wave under his noise.

Linebeck recoiled as much as he could without cracking his head on the roof, looking at her with disgust. "I am not that sort of man!" Jolene, queen of cheap shots against one's masculinity.

"Oh, you want more?"

"I—no! No, no prices! Not that sort of sailor!"

Jolene threw her head back and cackled, and Linebeck let his shoulders slump back down. Always the butt of the jokes, just because she could break his spine with one hand. It wasn't fair. "I never said I was against the idea in the first place, you know," he mumbled. "You don't have to go being like that."

"Then let's go see if you've redecorated your cabin since I last saw it." Jolene took him by the arm and made to drag him away. Linebeck squeaked and dug his heel into the planking, trying to stop her before she got to the stairs.

"You, um, I can't let you do that." There was a flare of anger in Jolene's eyes and Linebeck hurried to continue before she left or slit his throat—he wasn't sure which would be worse at this point. "I mean, we can't. Kid's taking a nap in my room, I'm pretty sure we'd wake him up."

Jolene reluctantly stopped and turned back around. "Brat gets in the way of everything, doesn't he?"

"Oof," said Linebeck as he got slammed into the cabin again. "Yeah, kid isn't real big on staying out of the way…ngh…" The she-pirates's hand was wandering again and she was making it very hard to concentrate.

"Then I guess we'll have to stay up here on the deck, won't we?"

Linebeck's eyes flicked left and right—no kid, no fairy, no strange blobby monsters with voyeuristic tendences--and he shrugged helplessly. "Do I have a choice?"

"Not really."

"Okay," said Linebeck.

Jolene's lips tasted of saffron and salt, and what Linebeck said after that he preferred to keep to himself.

"Captain Linebeck! Wake up!"

There was a fairy dancing on his nose, Linebeck noted groggily. He was fairly certain she wasn't supposed to be there and if the fog would clear out of his head he'd tell her to go away. He didn't like fairies, they talked too much without actually saying anything.

"Are you all right? Captain Linebeck, you're bleeding!" the fairy squeaked.

"I am?"

The boy in green, crouched at his side and looking over him concernedly, tapped two fingers against his own jawline. Kid never said three words when he could get the fairy to say the words for him.

Linebeck obediently put two fingers to his own face and they came away sticky. "Oh. So I am." When had that happened? He'd barely noticed the sting. "Must have hit my chin on the porthole. Happens all the time, you know, hazard of the trade."

"Should I get a bandage or something?" The fairy bobbed up and down concernedly. If she was a human, she'd probably have wide eyes and her hands clasped together.

"Hm? I think there's some down in the engine room. Don't think I'll die of it, though, it's only a cut."

The sparkly bit of flying fluff darted around the corner and Lineback managed to push himself upward.

"The porthole?" Link asked with a raised eyebrow. The kid was smarter than Linebeck usually gave him credit for, despite being someone who regularly threw himself at giant monsters and dark dungeons without stopping to consider that they might be severe dangers to life, limb, and sanity. It wasn't that he was vicious or foolhardy, it was just that the wariness inherent to most human beings seemed to have been cut right out of him. It was weird and made Linebeck wonder exactly what had happened before he washed up on Mercay Island and started hacking up things.

"Yes. A porthole. They can be very dangerous if you don't handle them correctly. You're lucky to have an old seahand like me around to warn you about these things." Linebeck stood up, wobbly-legged, and tried to arrange his disarrayed clothing into some semblance of order. Thankfully one of them had managed to do his trousers up again (and if it was Jolene she'd at least had one moment of respecting his dignity).

Linebeck turned back to the porthole, which was still firmly shut and fastened from the inside. The blood on his chin and throat were already starting to dry, and the cut looked far worse than it was. Jolene kept her sword sharp, he gave her credit for that.

"Kinda makes me look rugged, I think," Linebeck commented, turning his injured side towards the mirror and tilting his head back to look at it proudly. He grinned, baring his teeth at his own reflection. "Might even leave a nice scar."

Sure, the old cowardly treasure-grubbing Linebeck couldn't stand next to Jolene. But maybe the new bold adventuring-and-Ocean-King-rescuing Linebeck could at least make an impression on her someday, maybe even take her down a peg (or have Link do it for him). Yeah, Captain Linebeck would show her what he was made of, and it wasn't anything soft.

He was keeping the books, though.