Hello, owner of computer! I have decided that since a lot of people have been kidnapping Maximum Ride characters, and I didn't really want to have to deal with Nudge or Gazzy or Angel, because Nudge talks too much, Gazzy blows stuff up (and I really do value my things) and Angel is the little devil spawn with the annoying dog. SO, I have decided to kidnap Edward Cullen instead!
Edward: Free me.
Me: Never.
Edward: Are you even on my team?
Me: No. I am totally 100% on team Jacob.
Edward: Then why am I here?
Me: because. You are overrated, and RPattz needs acting lessons badly. Taylor Lautner on the other hand…yum.
Edward: Was that an insult?
Me: Kinda.
Edward: Bella is mine.
Me: Who said I wanted to be Bella? I want to be Renesmee!
Edward: No.
Me: Would you just give them the disclaimer already? Jeezum.
Edward: -sighs- Fine. Genocide does not own Twilight. Or me, for that matter.
Me: Ah, but I stole you, so now I DO own you!
Stephenie Meyer: -appears, slaps Genocide across the face, disappears.-
Me: Oh. Well then, I guess I don't own Edward. –sadface-
Edward: Just get on with it already.
Me: Fine.
Me: I'm bored.
Edward: -appears- Where am I?
Me: Ho. Ly. Crap. Why is Edward Cullen in my bedroom? Aren't you supposed to be, like, fictious?
Edward: Uh…no? Why am I here?
Me: Well, since I said, "I'm bored," and you suddenly appeared, I'm going to guess you are here to relieve my boredom.
Edward: How?
Me: I don't know…OH, I GOT IT, I GOT IT! -cues Supermassive Black Hole- VAMPIRE BASEBALL!!
Edward: What?
Me: -sighs- Vampires+Baseball+Supermassive Black Hole=AWESOMENESS.
Edward: Um…okay?
Me: Have you even seen your own movie?
Edward: Unfortunately, yes. I can NOT believe that they chose Robert Pattinson to play me. Really. And Bella is much more beautiful than Kristen Stewart could ever be.
Me: Dude, don't harsh KStew. She's totally gorgeous, and an awesome actress. Have you seen the Messengers? Awesomest movie EVER. But you can harsh RPattz as much as you want. I like him better as that dead kid in Harry Potter.
Edward: Uh…okay?
Me: So. Edward. You're a vampire…?
Edward: Yes. Please don't tell me you're a crazy fangirl.
Me: No…but, I know someone who is…hang on. SAMMY!!!
Sammy: -appears- What, Genocide? Why am I in your roo-OHMYGODIT'SEDWARDCULLENHOLYCRAPHOLYCRAPHOLYCRAPOMGILOVEYOUEDWARD!!!!
Me: Sammy, take a deep breath.
Sammy: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKK!!!!!
Me: -snaps fingers-
Sammy: -disappears-
Me: Now THAT is a rabid fangirl right there. Me, I much prefer werewolves to vampires. In the real world, men who sparkle are usually gay.
Edward: Are you calling me gay?
Me: Psh, no, of course not! …
Edward: At least I'm not a pedophile…
Me: Say whaaat?
Edward: Jacob is in LOVE with my daughter. Who isn't even a year old yet.
Me: Dude. Didn't you already go over this? In Breaking Dawn? And no matter what you say, I'm still one-hundred percent on Team Jacob.
Edward: Why?
Me: 'Cause, in New Moon, not only does he cut his hair, he's running around half-naked for like, the entire movie. When me and Shelby go and see it…-sighs-. I think we may just pass out.
Edward: Shelby? What happened to Sammy?
Me: Shelby is my best friend. Sammy is my other best friend, but she lives in Virginia. And my OTHER best friend, like my bestest best friend lives in Nevada. And my other best friend lives here, in my neighborhood.
Edward: You have a lot of best friends.
Me: I am a very social person.
Edward: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: yeah, right.
Edward: Why not?
Me: Um. Yeah. New subject. Do you like cheesecake?
Edward: That was incredibly random.
Me: Well, I'm an incredibly random person. And you never answered the question.
Edward: Er, I don't know. I haven't actually tasted food in a hundred years.
Me: Fine then. Did you like cheesecake?
Edward: I don't really-
Me: DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT LIKE CHEESECAKE, MR. CULLEN?
Edward: If I say yes will you let me leave?
Me: Probably not.
Edward: Then I just won't answer the question.
Mom: -knocks on door- Genocide, get ready for school! NOW!
Me: You heard the warden, let's get to school.
Edward: Um, are there any rabid fangirls at your school?
Me: Undoubtedly…-grins evilly- But you're just going to have to be a big boy and suck it up, won't you?
Edward: -sighs- I guess.
Me: Ha ha. What fun. Who knew holding an undead vampire hostage could be so much fun?
Edward: Fun for you maybe.
Me: Oh, shut it.
Edward: Let me go.
Me: Okay, so please review this, okay? I really, really, reeeeeeeeally like reviews.
Edward: Don't do it.
Me: -holds up Bella voo-doo doll and pin-
Edward: Please, feel free to review as many times as possible.
Me: Thank you for cooperating Mr. Cullen. –tosses doll onto floor-
Edward: Let me go.
Me: No, I don't think I will. We're having so much fun together!
Edward: Kill me now, please.