10 Things Indicating That a Fic Contains Mary Sue

by fiftysix-luver

…who is also a love interest of one of the hosts, a replacement of Haruhi, and a self-insertion--but you need not know of that yet. PARODY. Read at your own risk.

Ten Things Indicating that a Fic Contains a Mary Sue

Summary:…who is also a love interest of (one of) the hosts, a replacement of Haruhi, and a self-insertion. But you need not know of that yet. PARODY and HUMOR.

Author: fiftysix-luver

Rating: PG-13 / T for sarcasm.

Pairings: (Forced and one-sided) Mary Sue x Everyone.

Words Count: 4,232

Warning: Overused and clichéd plots, Mary Sue… bashing? More like parodying.
Disclaimer: Don't own. Just wish.

Notes: I'm writing this fic to have fun and don't intend to insult any of you. OC with one or more characteristics written here may not be a Mary Sue and vice versa. Any similarities are coincidences hitsuzen. I'm just having fun, you know. Oh, and double apostrophes ("" "") mean the twins talking in unison.

Ten Things Indicating that a Fic Contains Mary Sue

Thank you for wasting your time to read this fic. By reading this, you will know nothing but a few clichés author with Mary Sue characters tend to write. The plot is also a clichéd and over-used one.

So, without further ado, here are some clichés and how to use it in a fanfiction.

1. The Mary Sue has to be moving from another country (usually western).

"I have an announcement to make," Kyouya said after the Club ended that day, the last of their customers were leaving. Everyone looked up to see him.

"There is going to be a girl moving from United States / France / Germany / any country you would want her to come from. She's going to move into Haruhi, Hikaru, and Kaoru's class starting tomorrow."

Haruhi raised her hand. "Yes, Haruhi?"

"Well, senpai, I know you always have all the information first-hand and everything, but why do you announce about a new girl who moves into my class to the club? It's not like she's going to make a great benefit into our club or something."

He pushed his glasses. "Good point. I don't know either, maybe because every author thinks that it's very in character for me to make an announcement."

"And you said she moved. At this point of the year? In the middle of the term? To this exclusive school?"

The second-year opened his ever-present black notebook. "She seems to be the daughter of the third largest business company."

"Third largest? Who are the first and the second?"

"Mine and Tamaki's."

"…my apologies for even asking."

Kyouya looked at his notebook again. "My sources say that she's not only rich but also extraordinarily smart. She enters this school by scholarship."

Hikaru and Kaoru frowned at the same time. ""Is this school really that desperate for a student that they give scholarship in the middle of a term?""

"And why is she moving here?" Haruhi added, "Sure, this is a very prestigious school, but we are in Japan. Our first language is Japanese. Why would she move to a country where she has to learn the language all over again? Why doesn't she move to, I don't know, Canada?"

"Ne, her father's business, maybe?" Honey suggested.

"But it's supposed to be a huge company, right? Why moved? His father could've used e-mails and telephones and those wicked technologies those western people invented. What century do they think we're living in? The 18th?"

The Host Club took a few minutes to think before a sound of a notebook snapped close broke the silence.

"Enough with the questions, we'll know tomorrow," Kyouya finally said, "it's evening and we're all tired. We should go home. Time will tell."

No one inclined to argue with him.

2. The author must use at least 5 paragraphs and 100 adjectives to describe her and her godly appearance.

The next day, Haruhi, Hikaru, and Kaoru had already forgotten about the new girl and, as they walked in the classroom, they were thinking of anything but the girl.

But not for long, though. Before the class started, the teacher stood up and declared, "There's going to be a new girl in our class and, despite the fact that we're in the middle of the term and there could be no way a student would enter, much less by a scholarship, please welcome Mary Sue."

Mary Sue entered the class room elegantly and everyone, including the twins and Haruhi, was dumbfounded because of her appearance. How could they not? After all, she's perfect. She's amazing, appealing, astonishing, attractive—

…10 hours, 38 paragraphs, and 3,562 adjectives later…

—youthful, zealous, zealful girl. They should be dumbfounded!

The teacher, who stood all the way through the description of the girl, slumped to his chair in exhaustion and ordered Mary Sue to sit anywhere. Of course, despite the fact that she entered the school in the middle of the term and all the chairs except the corner one would've already been occupied, she found an empty seat beside / in front of / behind / near the twins.

Because Mary Sue is perfect and hear seat must also be perfect!

As the teacher finally started the lesson, Haruhi turned at the twins.

"Just for curiosity's sake… do you know how many dictionaries the author of this story has?"

Hikaru shrugged, "actually, just one."

Kaoru shrugged, "but I saw her borrowed M'lord's yesterday."

Haruhi frowned, "and how many does Tamaki-senpai has?"

The twins thought for a while. "Well, counting his personal and family's dictionaries…"

"…and adding the ones we found under the bed and above the ceiling…"

""…57. Why?""

Haruhi blinked. "You know what? Never mind."

a. …But please don't mention that she's an over-exaggerated form of the author.

"Speaking of the author… don't you think Mary Sue's familiar? Like, way too familiar? Doesn't she… remind you of someone?" Haruhi asked the twins later that day.

They shrugged in unison. "No…"

"Well, she kind of looks like our aunt's fifth cousin… why?"

"…never mind."

3. No character can walk 2 steps without praising her.

In only a few hours, the rumor about Mary Sue had already spread across the school, and everyone was talking about her.

"Have you heard of Mary Sue?"

"The new girl? Of course! She's so… beautiful!"

"Beautiful? She's mesmerizingly beautiful!"

"No! She's captivating!"

"You are all wrong. She's enchanting!"

"Enthralling!"

"Alluring!"

"Beguiling!"

"How many dictionaries does every student here have!?"

""About 52 each. Why?""

"…"

4, Everyone knows her because she's a childhood friend / long-lost sister / hidden cousin / any other familial or acquaintance possibilities / all of them.

The Club time finally started and they were all cosplayed as favorite and famous anime characters the author of the story were too lazy to think of. Or as each other. Which meant both, because they are favorite and famous anime characters. Oh well, on to the story!

They were waiting for the first of their customers that day when Mary Sue, perfectly and delicately, entered the room.

All the eyes of the Host Club boys widened in surprise.

"You… you can't be!" Tamaki exclaimed, pointing his finger at her. "You're… you're my long-lost sister!!"

Haruhi tried to absorb what he'd just said. "What!?"

"It seems that you're my childhood friend," Kyouya stated, taking some notes in his notebook.

Haruhi turned at him. "What!?"

"Ne, you're my secretly hid cousin!" Honey beamed.

"You're my childhood crush," Mori finally said.

Haruhi didn't even bother to look at the boys. "What!?"

""Wow, you're our vanished twin!!"" The twins said in chorus.

"WHAT!?"

There was an awkward silence, then…

"Hikaru! Kaoru! We've met her this morning! Why don't you say anything about her being your disappeared twin!?" Haruhi exclaimed in irritation.

The twins stupidly answered, ""We just realized.""

"You can't just realize a person is your receded twin after seeing her for 7 hours! And," she turned at the other boys, "which one of you is right!?"

Mary Sue clapped her hands and beamed. "All of them!"

Haruhi, the one with common sense, exclaimed, "What!?"

The boys, the ones without common sense, shrugged.

Mary Sue, the one who had never heard of common sense, giggled.

Damn right. Mary Sue would like me, the author, to remind you, Gentle Reader, that Mary Sue giggled, not laughed. Because a perfect girl with perfect manner like her should not laugh.

Anyway, back to the story. Haruhi tried her best to calm herself down. Okay, okay, she told herself, I must've misheard. Or gone insane.

"I'm sorry, Mary Sue-san, I must've misheard…"

"Oh, no you did not. In fact, my full name is Mary Sue Suoh-Ootori-Hitachiin-Haninozuka-Morinozuka!"

Probably the latter, she decided. "Okay. Let's see. Where's the problem? Oh yes, right. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!"

All the boys frowned. "How does it not??"

Haruhi glared at them. "How does it not? How does it not?? How it makes sense, you mean!!" She turned at Mary Sue, "I'm sorry, Mary Sue-san, but you can't be a vanished twin of the Hitachiins while being Tamaki-senpai long-lost sister, while being Honey-senpai secretly hid cousin, while being Mori-senpai's childhood crush, and while being Kyouya-senpai's childhood friend!!"

She panted heavily after the long explanation but unfortunately, Mary Sue just didn't seem to take a hint. "How could I not?"

Mother in heaven, Haruhi prayed, I wish I could just faint right now.

"Look," she tried to explain once more, "If you're Hikaru and Kaoru's twin and Tamaki-senpai's sister, wouldn't that make them brothers? But they are obviously not. And this also means that you spend your childhood life in France. This, of course, means that you can't be Mori-senpai's childhood crush and Kyouya-senpai's childhood friend. They were born and live in Japan for their lives! And wouldn't that make Mori-senpai and Kyouya-senpai childhood friends?? And you're Honey-senpai's cousin… That also means Honey-senpai is the twins and Tamaki-senpai's cousin! You tell me which of that that makes sense!"

Mary Sue seemed shocked by Haruhi's explanation, but it didn't stay long. In mere seconds, her beautiful face was back to normal and she smiled.

"…your point?"

Mother in heaven, Haruhi prayed again, forget about fainting. I'm joining you now in heaven.

5. She knows that Haruhi is a girl in the first glance and can tell which of the twins is which.

"Anyway… now that everything is sorted out," Mary Sue flashed a wonderful smile, "I shall announce to you that I know that Haruhi is a girl!"

The Host Club was, once again, taken aback by the girl's statement. Then they panicked.

"O—of course not! He's 100 boy, right Hikaru??"

"Yes, Kaoru, of course he's a boy!! What makes you think he's a girl?"

"H—how do you know!?"

""TONO!!""

Ah, yes. Tamaki had only spoken 6 words since this fanfiction started and he chose this time to speak more and spill out Haruhi's secret at the same time. You're wonderful, Tamaki Suoh. You're wonderfully out of your mind.

But Mary Sue, being Mary Sue, only giggled at the scene. Haruhi gulped at the sight.

"Well, now that I know your secret, we are secret-buddies, right??" She asked and Haruhi couldn't help twitching when she heard 'secret-buddies.'

Tamaki, however, quickly recovered from his depressing state and giving Mary Sue a bouquet of roses out of nowhere. "Mary Sue-san, my beautiful princess," he said, his tone was low and romantic, "even though I have only known you for 5 minutes and even though we almost killed the person who knew Haruhi's secret last time, I am not angry to you and entrust you our secret."

Mary Sue beautifully took the rose and giggled some more. The twins sighed.

"Well, if M'lord says so…"

Suddenly Mary Sue turned at the twin who had just spoken and pointed a finger at him. "You're Hikaru!"

This earned exclamation from the whole Host Club, "What!?"

Mary Sue turned at the other twin. "And you're Kaoru."

""What!?""

"I know, I know," she cleaned imaginary dust from her uniform, "it must've been shocking for you, to meet a girl who can tell you apart. But fear not, my dear twins! I am solely using my heart to tell you apart, and my heart is always right!"

And her giggle, not laughter, rang throughout the music room.

Only Haruhi and the twins knew what's wrong.

a. Okay, maybe telling the twins apart is just her imagination. Oh well, she still knows that Haruhi is a girl!

"Kaoru, Hikaru, she…"

Kaoru nodded, "she says I'm Hikaru and he's Kaoru."

Hikaru shook his head, "I'm officially insane."

6. She's going to be a part of Host Club (despite the fact that she can always repay her debt anytime she wants).

After she was finally tired of giggling, Mary Sue bowed at the Host Club.

"I'm sorry to have bothered you," she said apologetically, because a perfect girl like Mary Sue must be apologetic and not snobbish at all. "Now, that I may excuse myself…"

She turned and walked out so fast that she couldn't see an expensive vase appearing out of nowhere and she bumped into it.

Oops, I'm sorry, Gentle Reader, but Mary Sue would like to say that it was all intended. Because a perfect girl like Mary Sue could not have bumped into something unwittingly.

So, Mary Sue perfectly bumped into the vase and perfectly made it fall. Kyouya's glasses glinted.

"Mary Sue-san," he said, opening his black book, "I'm afraid you have just broken a vase worth 10 million yen."

"Oh, I'm so sorry!!" She uttered, and Haruhi almost said 'you better be.'

"Well, I'm afraid you have to pay off your debt," Kyouya continued. "Thus, even though obviously you can easily pay off a 10 million yen debt and you have finished a day in school as a girl, I'm going to make you a new host."

Tamaki nodded. "I agree."

"Ne, Tama-chan?? Why??"

The Host Club King shrugged. "It's for the sake of the plot and we'll leave it at that. Okay?"

"I think I'm fine with it. Right, Takashi?"

Mori nodded. The twins raised their hands in defeat.

""Oh well,"" they said in unison and magically recovered from their shock, ""welcome to the host club!!""

Mary Sue giggled beautifully.

Haruhi entertained the idea to smack her head to the nearest wall.

7. Haruhi's appearances in the first few chapters are formalities only.

A week had passed since Mary Sue came and the Club was almost normal again.

Almost. Now that Mary Sue was a new host—despite the fact that the whole school knew that she was a breath-takingly beautiful girl on her first day—Haruhi and the boys had to stop themselves and each other from the urge to kill her with the nearest object.

Okay, she might be irritating, with all her act and self-appraises. But nothing can never, ever beat the giggling.

"Kyouya-senpai, why don't you just let her pay her debt with money?" Haruhi asked one day as Mary Sue giggled with her customer. In only 2 days, the number of her customers had already rivaled Tamaki's. Because Mary Sue is perfect and her hosting skill must also be perfect. Kyouya sighed.

"I don't know. Unfortunately, the one who holds the plot is the author and even I can't interfere with that."

"But we're Bisco Hatori's! Not the author's!"

But they all knew it didn't really matter for the author.

That day, after the club ended, Mary Sue suddenly made an announcement.

"Because starting tomorrow there will be a one-week holiday, we, the Host Club, are going to go to Bali!"

"What!?"

"I know, wonderful, isn't it? I can't wait for tomorrow too. Therefore, everyone should pack their belongings and ready their passports!!"

"It sounds like a wonderful idea, my princess…"

""But M'lord, Haruhi doesn't have passport.""

Everyone stared at Haruhi and blinked. "Oh yeah…" Tamaki remembered, "I'm really sorry, Mary Sue-san, but I'm afraid we can't go without Haru—"

"If Haruhi can't come then we should just go without Haruhi, what about that?" Mary Sue suggested.

The twins sprung to their feet. ""We're not going without Haru—""

Okay, that was enough, twins. Mary Sue would like me, the author, to force you and the other wonderful Host Club boys to never complain about Haruhi's reduced-to-almost-none screen time. And you must obey. Why? BECAUSE I'M THE AUTHOR, duh.

Kaoru huffed, "all right then, we're going."

Hikaru huffed, "without Haruhi. We're going."

Honey beamed, "ne, me and Takashi are going to, right Takashi?"

Mori nodded, "hn."

Tamaki smiled, "I'm going too."

Kyouya jotted down some notes, "It's settled then. We're going to Bali tomorrow and Haruhi's not coming with us."

Everyone in the room, except Haruhi, nodded, and they were all talking like Haruhi was never there.

Said girl quirked her eyebrow. Wait.

She tried to remember what everyone had said. The boys? Going abroad? Without me? A whole week?

She stared at the boys, at Mary Sue, and back at the boys. She slowly backed off the scene, waiting. This is usually the part when Tamaki-senpai whines and Kyouya-senpai calls for a search party…

But when nothing happened after a good 5 minutes, she smiled in satisfaction.

Mother in heaven, she prayed, my prayer is finally answered.

She walked out of the Music Room, didn't even bother to say good bye. The fact that she would have a peaceful (read: Host Club-free) week holiday occupied her mind, and she didn't even entertain the idea to change it.

8. Suddenly, before they know it, the Host Club boys realize that they are falling for the girl.

"Welcome to Bali, Sir and Madam," almost everyone in the airport greeted them.

""So, where are we going first?""

"This is a foreign country after all, so first we must complete a few forms…"

Mary Sue smiled winningly. "All taken care of."

Kyouya lifted his eyebrow. "Then we're checking in the hotel…"

Another winning smile from Mary Sue. "Also taken care of."

Everyone sighed in defeat. "Okay, where do you want to go, Mary Sue-san?"

It seemed to be the question she had been waiting all the time because when she heard it, she exuberantly (but still elegantly) took everyone's hands and screamed, "to the beach!!"

Okay, Gentle Reader, so you see, Mary Sue is very strong. She is stronger than any other human being ever steps foot on this earth. This is why she is able to drag 6 boys from the airport to the beach. A bit far-fetched don't you think? Alas, this whole fic is far-fetched as well.

When they arrived at the beach, Mary Sue quickly dropped them in the water, making them perfectly wet.

She put her hands on her lips, "oops."

The twins were the first ones to stand on their feet and complain. ""You did it on purpose!""

She giggled. "No I did not."

The twins threw draggers at her (not literally, though they wished so). "Yes you did."

"No I did not."

""Oh well,"" The twins quickly said and turned around. Mary Sue grabbed their hands and stopped them.

"Wait! This is supposed to be the part when you insist that I did it and I insist that I did not!" She reasoned, "then we'll have a pointless, but fluffy, tickle fight!"

The Host Club almost choked at her reason. ""And what makes you think we'll do that… that tickle fight?""

"Well," Mary Sue beamed at them, her oh-so-beautiful eyes sparkling, "I know you guys are in love with me."

The Host Club blinked.

a. …or that they should have.

After a few moments of silence, Honey finally spoke up, "ne, Mary-chan, why would we?"

Kaoru nodded, "Yeah, Honey-senpai's right. Why would we? We don't even know you for more two weeks."

Hikaru nodded, "Not to mention we don't even really know you. Nor your parents or your past. Hell, if we ever marry someone, it would be Haruhi."

How they wished Hikaru hadn't said that. Mary Sue multi-colored eyes sparkled even more. She had been waiting for the right opportunity to tell her past to the Host Club and Hikaru had just given her one.

And because Mary Sue is perfect, she perfectly knew that this was a now-or-never opportunity! So despite the fact that they were in the middle of a beach, wet, and might catch a cold if they stay like that 

for another minute—except Mary Sue, of course, she's too perfect to catch a cold!—, Mary Sue started her narration.

9. What's a Mary-Sue without a super angsty horrible dark secret past?

Dramatic drum roll please!

Bud-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d

Well, this is it. The revealing of Mary Sue's super angsty horrible dark secret past. Take your seat and prepare your pop corns, Gentle Reader, because this is the moment that will change your life forever!

Ahem, okay, here we go.

"Okay, actually, I don't really want to tell you… it's too personal…"

""Then don't.""

"But if you insist…"

""We don't,"" they said in unison again. But unfortunately, Mary Sue could be selectively deaf when she wanted to, and this is one of the times when she wanted to. So she continued.

"You see, I, Mary Sue Suoh-Ootori-Hitachiin-Haninozuka-Morinozuka, actually have an abusive father / abusive mother / abusive step-mother / abusive brothers / abusive parents / abusive family / any other form of abusive or broken home life. My real parents were died because of a horrible accident and I was left under a bridge! My two only best friends were all assassinated! My neighbors hated me! My pet died!"

She burst into tears as the Host Club stared at her, puzzled.

"Aren't you touched??" She asked them as she wiped her tears.

""Barely.""

"But you are! You guys are just a bit too… dense to understand your love to me. But it's okay! I can already feel your love radiating from you and your kind heart and it's warming my very soul."

"Way to go, Tamaki. Now you're infectious."

"But I'm very sorry, my dear friends, I can only choose one of you to be my husband," she paused for a while, "or maybe the two of you. Threesome isn't really bad, you know."

"Mary Sue-san, we are sorry to inform you that we are in no way interested to even know you, much less marrying you," Kyouya stated matter-of-factly.

Mary Sue shook her head affectionately, "but you must, Kyouya. You and Mori!"

Silence. Kyouya and Mori sensed this as a bad omen…

"Ne, why is that so, Mary-chan??"

Mary Sue ran his fingers through her silky, long hair, and sighed as if Honey had said the silliest thing on earth.

10. There is going to be forced marriage, and it always brings happiness to both sides.

"Ah, silly me! I haven't told you! It's a forced marriage!"

Honey blinked. "Ne?"

"Yes! Actually, I have met Kyouya's and Mori's parents secretly and they decided to marry me to both them!"

"But why Kyouya and Mori-senpai??"

"Because…" Mary Sue thought for a while, "I don't like you, Tamaki. You're such a drama queen and I don't like people being drama queen!"

""But you're being one.""

"Details, details. Not Hikaru and Kaoru, because they already have each other."

"They are straight!" Tamaki defended but the twins said, ""Can't argue with that.""

Mary Sue's eyes glinted in amusement. "Of course, they're as straight as a circle. And Honey-senpai is a no-no—he's too childish for my liking."

Honey's eyes widened in surprise and started to water. Mori glared at her, even though he knew it wouldn't have any effect on the girl.

"So that leaves us to Kyouya and Mori. I like both of you equally and I can't choose. Therefore, I will marry both of you!! Isn't that cool??"

Before Kyouya and Mori could retort or even say something, Mary Sue had glanced at the clock and cried, "Look at the time! The marriage is going to start soon! We must haste!"

"What marriage!?"

"Oh Tamaki, silly you, of course mine and Kyouya's and Mori's!" She quickly grabbed both boys' collar, "to the wedding ceremony!!"

And she dashed, dragging unfortunate Kyouya and Mori with her and leaving the rest of the Host Club in shock and confusion. Mary Sue would like to blame her choice on Bisco Hatori for giving very few character development of both boys' with Haruhi.

If it weren't so out of character, Mori and Kyouya would've screamed for help.

a. …okay, maybe only one side. At least someone's happy!

To shorten the story, let's skip the description of how cool the place was and how cool the ceremony was. We also skip the part on how beautiful the bride was and how stunning the grooms were. We want to skip the part on how unwilling the grooms were but unfortunately, the author couldn't find that part.

Which leaves us to… the 'I do' scene.

"Mary Sue Suoh-Ootori-Hitachiin-Haninozuka-Morinozuka," the priest asked, "do you want to take Kyouya Ootori and Takashi Morinozuka as your husbands?"

Mary Sue giggled. "I do. I love you, Kyouya, Mori."

The priest turned to Mori. "And you, Takashi Morinozuka, do you want to take Mary Sue Suoh-Ootori-Hitachiin-Haninozuka-Morinozuka as your wife?"

Mori frowned and sighed, "She doesn't even call me by name!"

The priest shrugged, "I'll take that as a 'yes'. Now Kyouya Ootori," he turned at Kyouya, "do you want to take Mary Sue Suoh-Ootori-Hitachiin-Haninozuka-Morinozuka as your wife?"

"Do I have a choice?" He asked as he made a mental note to call his secret police later and make them assassinate her.

Oblivious to Kyouya's evil glare, the priest took their hands and joined them, "I also take that as a 'yes'. Therefore, I announce you, Kyouya Ootori, Takashi Morinozuka, and Mary Sue Suoh-Ootori-Hitachiin-Haninozuka-Morinozuka as husbands and wife."

The crowd cheered. Tamaki sulked in the corner. Honey cried. The twins where nowhere in sight. Haruhi took another glance at the table with heaps of ootoro on it.

b. Aaaaaand, THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Mori blinked.

Kyouya pushed his glasses up.

c. Ahem, correction. SHE LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER. The boys don't.

Mary Sue lived an endless, happily ever after life as the boys lived in a living hell.

And she still lives until now, because she's so lucky that she can dodge Kyouya's secret police's countless attempts to assassinate her and Mori's equally countless attempts to kill her with his martial fighting skill.

The End…?

A/N: Thank you for reading. Hope you enjoy it, 'cause I sure did when I wrote this.

I chose Bali because 1) It's pretty redundant to use Nekozawa's beach, 2) It has to be abroad because Haruhi mustn't come, 3) The twins did mention about asking Haruhi to go with them to Bali, and 4) I'm shamelessly advertising Bali (and Indonesia) to you all. Because it's my country. Damn yeah.

And Mary Sue's surname sucks. It's kind of hard to memorize the order.

Reviews and criticisms are welcome. Grammar and spelling correction are more than welcome.