Haio! This is a completely random and probably terrible oneshot about Captain Jack (a.k.a. John Barrowman) and his cameo appearance in 2005's The Producers which I found hilarious. This idea just stuck in my head.
So this was what Captain Jack Harkness REALLY did when he left his team to go galivanting...
It wasn't often that the Torchwood team got bored. Usually there was at least one rogue weevil giving them a run for their money, an evil alien genius trying to take over the world, or even furbies (real ones, not the toys) wreaking havoc in the pipes. But this week there was nothing. Zilch, zip, absolutely nada. It was getting on Toshiko's nerves. Every time her computer blipped she and the rest of the team jumped eagerly to the monitor, just itching for another chance to save the world. Only to return dejected to the dilapidated Torchwood sofa to play hangman on scrap bits of paper. It seemed that the Rift, in a new wicked twist to defeat them, had decided to go cold turkey on them. And Owen had a sneaking suspicion that the weevils were hibernating.
So, with absolutely nothing to do, each member of the team retreated into their own little world. Owen, with no new bodies to dissect, rifled through the back-catalogue in the morgue, finding the cutting up of frozen bodies far less satisfying, since there was no satisfying squelch as the scalpel cut in. Gwen spent a lot of the time gossiping on the phone to old work colleagues, playing solitare on her computer. Toshiko, who didn't like UNIT, amused herself by hacking into their systems and rerouting the Valiant to Canada, then watching as the UNIT technicians floundered as they tried to locate the problem. Jack was, as usual, posing heroically on the brinks of tall buildings. Ianto found enjoyment in googling random words and phrases.
One day, Wednesday, he decided to look for musicals, because he liked them. And that was when he found the video.
'Oh. My. God.' The team looked up. Ianto's jaw had dropped and he was staring at the screen with utter shock.
'What is it?' Gwen asked.
'You've got to see this,' Ianto replied. He now looked like he was trying not to laugh. Intrigued, Gwen waltzed over, still on her mobile, followed by Tosh, who had thrown a pen at Owen to get his attention.
Three seconds of looking at what was on the screen had Gwen in tears of laughter. It was Jack. Jack on stage. In a Nazi uniform. Singing. But that wasn't it – he had dyed his hair white blonde, and was mincing over the stage like one born to perform.
'I think we now know where Jack went last summer,' Ianto mused. His mind was now racing. What fun could be had with this video?
Jack came in through the cog door, his face flushed and ruddy from the cold wind that does tend to blow about the tops of Cardiff's tallest buildings. When he saw his team standing disapprovingly in front of him, all looking at him, the smile diminished on his face somewhat.
'I didn't know I was gonna get a welcome committee,' he grinned. 'What's the occasion?'
No reply.
'Guys?' Jack asked, slightly worried now. They were just…staring. Staring straight at him.
'We know what you did last summer, Jack,' Ianto said eventually, ominously. Jack clearly had no idea what was going on; it was rather funny. Gwen, always unreliable in these situations, was already fighting to control the giggle erupting from her mouth. The image of Jack prancing about bleach blonde on stage was still fixed in her mind.
'What are you talking about?' Jack demanded.
'Tosh?'
'Yes Ianto?' Toshiko replied lightly.
'Play the tape.'
Jack watched in confusion as an image formed on a blank bit of wall, and strangely familiar music started playing through the speakers.
'Oh no,' he whispered in sudden revelation. His own voice came through clear as a bell.
'Springtime for Hitler and Germany, Deutschland is happy and gay! We're marching to a faster pace, Look out, here comes the master race! Springtime for Hitler and Germany, Rhineland's a fine land once more! Springtime for Hitler and Germany, Watch out, Europe, We're going on tour! Springtime for Hitler and Germany...'
The team turned disapproving eyes on their boss, arms folded and eyebrows arched like parents who had caught their children with hands in the cookie jar. It was a few minutes before anyone said anything.
'Well?' Gwen asked eventually.
'I should never have been blonde,' Jack replied casually. 'But I'm afraid the role demanded it.' He shrugged, as if the topic was closed. 'Ianto, where's my coffee?'
'It's slightly more than that!' Gwen cried outraged.
'How so?' Jack shot back. He was enjoying himself – this wasn't supposed to happen!
'You're the leader of a secret organisation, and you're out there nelly-podging around singing the praises of dictators!'
'Nelly-podging?' Jack queried. Gwen blushed scarlet and mumbled something about her gran using the phrase.
'Actually, for that he went under the pseudonym of John Barrowman,' interjected Ianto, though he said it coldly. He too was not pleased with his boss.
'Look, what's the big deal?' Jack was all to aware of his team ganging up on him. He didn't like it when they did that. 'Okay, so I took a cameo role in a musical – so what? I'm not embarrassed at you seeing it.'
'Oh Jack,' Gwen sighed.
'What about the rest of the world?' Tosh asked.
'What do you mean?' Jack was suspicious again.
'At exactly this moment, Tosh is poised to send this marvel, via the wonders of instant messaging, to the heads of UNIT, the CIA and various other organisations, including the YWMT.' Owen's face was smug. 'Your reputation is about to go down the toilet, captain.'
Blood drained from Jack's face as the full impact of what the medical officer just said hit him. It didn't matter if his own team saw that video, but UNIT was another matter entirely. His standing as an impressive and infallible leader of Torchwood Three would be out the window.
'What do you want?' he asked. Blackmail might work.
The team glanced at each other, Gwen still trying to suppress her giggles.
'Well…' Tosh began, a wicked smile playing about her mouth.
'We are extremely bored,' put in Owen.
'Long story short,' Ianto concluded, 'we want a private rendition.'
'With you in the frankfurter costume,' added Gwen.
A little while later, Jack, dressed unhappily in a showgirl's costume decorated with frankfurters (for no other reason than the colour of the sausages clashed with his now blonde hair), took to the mini stage that Ianto and Owen had set up.
'Springtime fro Hitler and Germany,' he began, thoroughly wishing that the Rift would flare up and spare him this humiliation. His wish was granted.
Tosh turned away from the spectacle. 'We've finally got activity. There's a hoix on Tudor Street terrorising some tourists. They're wearing t-shirts with 'The angels have the phone box' on.'
'Right,' said Jack, snapping back into boss mode. 'Owen, Ianto, come with me, we're going hunting – Gwen stay here with Toshiko and track its movements. Looks like we're back in business.
The three male members of the team climbed into the SUV, Jack driving of course, and sped towards the Millennium Stadium. The only thing was, Jack had forgotten to take the frankfurters off his head.
I did warn you how bad it was. I'm not actually expecting any reviews for this, but they would be nice. For anybody who hasn't seen John in The Producers you really should, it is so funny.
Oh yes, and the YWMT are the Yobs With Matching T-shirts, an organisation founded while on a trip to Cardiff with my friends. It means absolutely nothing to anyone else.