You Have to Hate Me

Brendan's point of view :)

I see you looking up at the for sale sign above your shop, you look as shocked as I do; only I don't let you see my reaction. I mask my feelings from you now but then I suppose I always did. I walk past you and lover boy like you're not even there; do you know how hard it is for me to do that? I hate ignoring you; I never thought I'd ever do it, but this deal I made with God I have to take seriously. He answered me when I needed help, when I thought you were going to die and if I go back on my word, I'm scared he'll make me pay. I'm scared he'll try and take you again and I'd rather stay away from you than risk your life. See I know it might not seem like it, but I'll do anything to protect you even if it's from me.

Yet here you are in the club telling me that you are moving to America but asking me to ask you to stay. I really don't know why you keep coming back to me, although to me you are everything I've ever wanted. I want to ask you, I want to ask you so bad but all I know is that I'd rather keep you safe…I love you too much I guess. Of course I don't tell you this, I just say nothing and you ask me again. I turn to look at you and your face says it all, I can see how much you love me, you still feel all the things I still feel for you but we can't do this again, not now, not ever. I wish we could, you don't know how many times I've asked for this, for you to be stood here, wanting me again.

Then you move closer to me and my heart feels like it's going to explode, I feel your lips on mine and fuck you feel so good…I wish I could stop time right now. Everything inside is telling me to break your kiss but I can't and I give in and kiss you back. I feel your hands on me and I desperately want to devour you more than ever, but the deal stops me. I make a split second decision that I know will make you stay away from me and for good. I punch you quick and hard in the face and it feels like someone is ripping my insides out. You fall to the floor and your nose is bleeding, I always did hit you hard and I feel like I've just lost everything. Then again I have, I've lost you.

I want to go to you, say sorry; at least show some remorse, but I have to follow this through. I have to stay strong. I tell you to get out, making you feel even worse; making you despise me some more and you do as I tell you instantly. I can see how devastated you are, I have just broken your heart again, but if it's any consolation I've just broken mine as well. It takes all my strength to let you go but I know I have to, it's the only way you will be free of me. You deserve a good life, a happy life and I know you can have that without me; I'm just no good for you. One day you will thank me.

You leave and I break down, I hate myself for hurting you again, I wish there could have been another way. I feel like I am suffocating and I have to get away from here, from you and all the bad memories. I go home and pack my bags; there is nothing left for me now you have gone. Chez knows, she knows what I have done to you and she is not happy, I mean who could blame her, I'm not happy either. She doesn't understand so I explain, I tell her everything and I think for the first time in a while she gets me. She can't tell you why, even if you ask, I need you to be angry with me, I need you to think that I don't care; it's the only way this will work.

A new start is what we both need and although I will always regret not taking a chance with you, I have no choice anymore. I feel numb and I really believe that I will never see anything as beautiful as you…no matter where I go. I wish I could tell you the truth, I wish I could tell you how much I still love you and more than anything I wish we could be together. Who knows what could have been, i used to think that we were destined to be together but right here, right now, you have to hate me.

Let me know what you think :)

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