Title: Almost Made Me Cry
Rating:PG/K
Character(s): Edward, Carlisle (canon)
Summary: Set during New Moon. He was cursed with an unlivable pain that wouldn't even kill him.
Disclaimer: S. Meyer's owns all. I'm just playing with them.
Notes: Prompt response to LJ Community's mission:insane table used: unthemed-five/grieve
He curled up on the couch that was so oft unused, and buried his face into the cushions unsure of whether he was happy that they still smelled of her, or it was that which made him ill? Either way, he couldn't let go of it, and he buried his face deeper, drinking it in—punishing himself, he was sure. It was torture to drink it in, and never have more than the fading scent of her to keep him company.
Edward wished that he still had the capacity to cry, because then maybe he could purge himself of the pain that not being with her caused, and just maybe given a century or two, the pain could just lessen to a dull ache. A livable pain. Was that even possible, for the ache to be livable? No, he was sure that it wasn't, it was an unlivable pain that would never kill him.
All his senses had been taken over by the throbbing and never ceasing pain, and so he supposed it was unsurprising that he heard no footsteps on the stairs, no worrisome thoughts from his generally well meaning family, no door being pushed open. He didn't even realize that he was no longer alone until he felt the couch sink in ever so slightly, shifting the balance. and a quiet voice in his hair. A familiar voice, not however the one that he'd give anything to be able to hear.
"Edward?" Carlisle's voice was low, worried, frenzied with concern. "Edward, are you okay?"
Not the one that he prayed could be wiped from his mind, the one that he was terrified that one day he'd no longer hear echoing in his mind.
He assumed Alice had seen it all, she saw him break Bella, and tear himself to pieces. Good, at least he wouldn't need to explain himself.
He heard her voice, it sounded like no more than a dull murmur. "No, I'm afraid he's not."
"I always knew she'd hurt him." Rosalie, sounding victorious and he couldn't even muster the energy to tell her how wrong she was. To yell and scream and remind her of what a shallow, horrible, vicious, self-absorbed shell of a person she was.
He heard a gasp, and Emmett hissing angrily at Rosalie, and Carlsile voice, quiet, Edward assumed his father was chastising her; and then the door slammed shut.
Edward pushed his face deeper into the cushions wishing death upon all of his senses so he couldn't hear them, any of them. At least that was a practical wish. He'd wish for death, but that was an impossibility.
The door again, cutting though his senses like a knife through butter.
"It's too hard for him." Alice murmured apologetically, "Edward's hurting so much…"
Hurting? Surely Alice and especially Jasper, could understand that this went beyond hurt. The pain was choking, debilitating. It was fear that he'd never be able to scrub his mind of images of her, that one day he wouldn't remember what she smelled like, what her voice sounded like caressing his ears like the most beautiful instrument.
"Edward," Esme's voice murmured and he felt her lips on his forehead. "Please talk to us, tell us, what's the matter? What you need. How we can make it better."
If it all didn't hurt so much, he imagined that he would laugh. What made it hurt was the only antidote for the pain. It hurt to be away from her for the ten minutes it took to return the Volvo home at night, how could he face eternity without her?
Carlisle spoke again, his hands running through his hair in a way that would be soothing if everything didn't hurt so badly. If his only thoughts weren't centered on any and every way to put an end to the pain.
"Call the airline and find us the next flight to New York." He told Esme. "I think the time has come and passed to leave Forks."
Esme's hand grazed across his and Carlisle's voice again.
"Alice, see to Jasper please, and inform the rest of the family."
The door closed again, and he thought that he wished Carlisle had gone with them. He wanted to be left alone to wallow in his pain.
They sat there in silence for a moment, and Edward was thankful for that. He wanted only to think of Bella, to remind himself of what he'd done. To try and repent for causing her such pain, to wonder how she could so easily believe that he could just fall out of love with her, unless of course those strong feelings he had thought she had for him had dissipated…
It was better for her. A normal life with a normal boy…
Mike Newton
The thought made him ill. He knew that boy had been waiting for him to fail so Bella could be his. He couldn't love Bella that way he did. Edward, you're being selfish, he tried to remind himself. He would have thrown up by now if he had the physical capacity for it.
"Edward….?" Carlisle's voice was soft and beautiful and for a moment he was angry that of all the things that Carlisle had protected him from, he had let this hurt him.
He'd always been the most sheltered of them all, why couldn't his pain be one that they had protected him from? He'd take any pain but this. It was insufferable.
"Tell me what happened in the woods." Carlisle's voice was musical, and it almost distracted him from the pain he felt. "Talk to me like you always have, Edward."
So Alice had most certainly foreseen it. He wondered if she saw the pain in Bella's eyes. He thought that maybe the pain was proof that she really loved him, but that only hurt more to think that she loved him so fiercely and he cut her down like he did.
He deserved the very worst circle of hell. Edward pulled his knees up into his chest and took an unnecessary breath. Inhale, exhale, life moves on. That easy, wasn't it? What about when you didn't need oxygen?
He couldn't pull his face from the cushions because then he'd be left with no excuse to not look at Carlisle.
"I'm a monster." He whispered, unsure if Carlisle had even heard his personal revelation. He had broken the person who loved him most in the world, the one he loved most. He was a beast.
Carlisle's lips touched his forehead and he shrank back from the touch. He brushed the bronze hair out of Edward's face. "You judge yourself too harshly, my son." His voice was as beautiful and musical as it was the day so far in the past when Carlisle had turned him. "You're the very best of us."
Edward ignored the comments meant to persuade him of the rightness of his actions. If he really concentrated, he could see Bella in his mind completely. What would he do when he lost that?
"If I'm right, you are staggeringly brave to manage what you did."
"I'm a coward." He thought about how desperately he wanted to run back to her and beg forgiveness for his transgressions. To tell her how desperately he needed her to love him.
He was ashamed of himself for such cowardice.
"You gave up that which makes you happiest," Carlisle murmured. "You're so strong Edward; I promise you that you will survive this."
He didn't say anything, but scoffed silently at this. She was everything he needed for survival in his world; it would be like a human trying to survive without oxygen or water.
I'm sorry for not protecting you from this pain, Carlisle thought, I would tell you every lie I know to make it better if that would ease even a fraction of your pain.
I'm not, Edward decided as he was awash with a wave of painful memories. No matter how badly the memories pulled him apart, and tore him down, how could he ever regret one, perfect, true love?
He couldn't, even when the pain made him decide he wanted to die.