Harry Potter and the Voice in His Head
by Erise (with major ideas from spiral)
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and unfortunately, I don't even own the idea of this fic... It belongs to jy (spiral), I'm just using her idea (and parts of her fic) with Harry Potter characters. Of course, I did get her permission. =)
A/N: The intention of this fic is purely humour (and to show my support for the H.M.S. Pumpkin Pie, of course.) and minor bashing of other ships is -not- intended. Read at your own risk. I already warned ya. Don't say I didn't.
This fic is set in the fifth year... Just before Valentine's Day, and of course, a Valentine Ball. Now, let's just assume that Voldy... I mean, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has risen and fallen back again. All right? Yes. Now let's start...
Hold on! I need to explain something else. Italics means the voice is speaking. Bold is the character 'thought-speaking' to the voice. A few chapters might also feature the point-of-view of different characters. Confused? It's okay, just start reading...
Enough of my crap, let's start!
...:::...
"Well? So who are you going to ask to the ball?" Ron asked again as we headed for the Great Hall after our Divination lessons.
"I really don't know, Ron. Like I said, it's a little too early to say, isn't it? The Valentine Ball is a week away, after all." I replied rather exasperatedly. It wasn't like Ron to be so concerned over something like a ball, considering his attitude to the Yule Ball the year before.
Who am I going to ask anyway? Not Parvati again, that's for sure. Hmmm... Cho?
Not Cho, you prat. Hermione! Hermione! Hermione!
"What...? What did you say Ron?"
"Nothing? What's up with you Harry? You hearing a voice no one can hear again?" Ron peered at me curiously.
I grinned uneasily. "Of course not... It was probably just my... imagination. Yeah, that's it."
"All right..." Ron seemed skeptical.
If it wasn't Ron, who said that? Maybe Ron's right... It's like in the second year... Don't tell me that there's another giant snake in the school speaking Parseltongue again...
Don't be an idiot. Do I sound like a snake to you? Hiss hiss hiss? For goodness' sake, I -hate- snakes!
It's there again! Oh man... Maybe I'm going crazy. Maybe I just need a rest, the Quidditch practices are getting to me...
"Ron? You go on ahead, I... I'm going to check on Hedwig, she seemed a little ill yesterday."
Tsk-tsk. I didn't know Harry Potter was a liar.
"Okay, Harry... I'll see you in the Great Hall."
What? Not again. Now that I think about it... A nice rest does seem to be in order... It might get rid of that... voice.
A little rest to get rid of me? It's not as easy as that, you know.
Okay, I -am- crazy.
Don't we know that already? You're crazy... over Hermione.
"What? That isn't true!" Great. Now I'm beginning to act like an idiot too.
You mean the kiss she gave you at the end of the fourth year didn't mean anything to you at all? Are you sure?
I could feel myself blushing involuntarily... The... voice was right... After the Yule Ball and that kiss, I began to see Hermione in a different way...
See? I was right. You said so.
"I said so? Wait a minute... You can -read- my thoughts?"
Isn't that kind of slow, Harry? Yes, I'm reading your thoughts.
Okay, voice-in-my-head, who are you? I tried.
You don't really need to know that. You just need to know why I'm here. I'm here because you, the 'brave' Harry Potter can only think about Hermione, instead of thinking about how to get together with her.
I do not think about Hermione!
Oh yes you do. It's all over the Net. At least, in the H/Hr parts. Fanfiction, forums, whatever.
I frowned. The Net? You mean the Muggle Internet?
No, I meant the New Jersey Nets. Sarcasm was fully intended, in case you didn't catch it. Darn, this fic is getting harder to write than I thought. Didn't expect you to be so dense.
The New Jersey Nets? What are you talking about?
They're a basketball team in the NBA. National Basketball Association in USA. That's not the point anyway.
Err... Okay... Back to the topic? You mean people actually write stories about me and Hermione?
Well... Not just you and Hermione. There are lots of fics about you and lots of other characters... Ginny, Cho, Ron and Draco, just to name a few.
What the...? Me and Malfoy? You people are really nuts!
But well... You have to admit that the movie-Draco is pretty cute... According to my friends anyway.
Movie-Draco? You mean there's a movie about us?
If you have the books, why not the movie? In fact, there are two so far... The third movie's coming out in two years. Two years! Imagine that!
Oh.. okay. Well, if you don't mind, could you go away now? People are going to think that I'm crazy, standing here like that.
Oh, don't worry about that. No one will come.
How do you know that?
Simple. I'm the writer of this fic.
It felt weird... having the rest of my life decided by a voice in my head? Utterly ridiculous.
Ridiculous? I think not. And most unfortunately, not everything is decided by me. Your fate lies in my hand only in the fics I write. The rest... is decided by her.
Her?
That's J.K. Rowling. She decides everything in the books... Your 'real' fate, so to speak.
You mean she put me through all those stuff? Voldemort? My crush on Cho? Ron liking Hermione?
You could say that... And she likes making us wait and keeping us in suspense, that's why we H/Hr shippers have to depend on such fics while we wait (im)patiently for her books to be published.
I see... Actually, I didn't. But what could I expect? After all, I lived in a world full of magic and people like Voldemort... I wonder what the voice had in mind for this me... and Hermione.
You know, I would really prefer to be called the fic writer. I mean, who wants to be called a 'voice'?
Okay... So what do you have in mind?
Let's see... A nice fluffy fic? Where you and Hermione will eventually end up together? With a few trials, of course. Let's see again... A jealous Ron, and a catty Cho? And oh, some Ginny with Draco on the side.
But first things first, you'll invite Hermione to the Valentine Ball, and end up kissing in the Gryffindor common room.
Sounds good... but isn't the common room kind of public?
Fine, the Astronomy Tower then. That private enough for you? Honestly, these details are so darned pesky.
Okay, I'm in?
-scribbles- Harry invites Hermione to the Valentine Ball, and they end up kissing in the Astronomy Tower.
Don't you think that... the plot is a little lacking?
I'll get to that soon enough. Well, if you like, I could always write a Romeo and Juliet-like tragedy where you die in Hermione's arms, and she kills herself because she apparently can't live without you.
Errr actually, I prefer the previous plot.
Good. Now, go look for Hermione and invite her to the Valentine Ball.
Huh? You mean I actually have to invite her myself?
What am I, your house-elf? And what's a fic without any action anyway?
What am I supposed to say? And where am I supposed to look for her?
She's in the Library, as usual. What are you supposed to say? Hmmm. Tell her, 'Hermione, would you like to go to the Valentine Ball with me?'
Ah. Okay... That sounds good.
What are you waiting for, Valentine's Day? Go on, go to the Library, like, now?
My legs seemed to move on their own and I found myself in front of the Library. My legs were about to step into the Library when I paused.
Oh man, do it already, would you?
I can't.
Yes you can. Because I say so. What are you afraid of? She won't reject you. I promise!
I believe you, but...
No buts. Just get your butt into the Library and ask her!
Actually... I don't want Hermione to go with me against her will...
And you say you don't think about her? Honestly. All right, fine, in this fic she will agree. Understood?
Yes... I think.
So invite her! I've got another fic to write, you know.
I shuddered, thinking of what was happening to the poor me and Hermione in that fic. I gathered my Gryffindor courage and stepped into the library before I knew it.
I walked through every aisle of bookshelves, feeling my courage fade away as I walked through an aisle.
I spotted her at the end of the fifth aisle, examining a particularly huge book.
My courage evaporated as I walked over to her. How was I going to do this?
"Errrr... Hermione...?" I heard myself stumble over my own words.
Fic writer, please don't do this to me!
Nah, you'll get it over with soon enough. Just hurry up, will you?
Hermione looked up from her book, surprised. "Harry? Is anything the matter?"
"I...I... ah...." What was the matter with me now? I was never like that before.
Well, now you are. Have I told you to hurry yet?
"Hermione, would you like to go the the Valentine Ball with me?" I finally managed to get those words out. Now for her answer...
Hermione looked surprised for a moment, then she smiled. "I'd love to, Harry. I... I got to go now, Harry, I'll see you in the Great Hall later."
"Okay..." I managed to say.
She agreed! She agreed! She agreed to go with me!!!
Of course she agreed. I told you so. Now, I hope you know how to dance.
Dance? I could feel my euphoria disappearing. The dance at the Yule Ball last year didn't go too well...
I should have known... Oh well, some dance lessons are in order then. -scribbles- Harry has dance lessons with Hermione. Now you have to ask her to teach you how to dance properly. All right? Yes?
I sighed. All right... What was I getting myself into this time?
Just a nice... no, I'm not going to give anything away. -glances at watch- Hmmm you'd just have to ask her in the next chapter. This chapter is getting a little too long for my taste. Now, go to the Great Hall.
I obeyed this... fic writer. What else could I do? I walked to the Great Hall, sat down and waited.
Huh? What are you waiting for?
For you to write something?
Oh, that. Didn't I say this chapter is getting too long? -snaps fingers- Well, I'll see you again in the next chapter.
...:::...
A/N: Well, I did get a little tired of writing. Thanks to jy (spiral) for writing her fic first... I made a few parallels to your fic, I hope you don't mind (You won't, since I did beta your fics for you!). Hmmm... Harry is a little OOC here, but I can't really help it, can I? Reviews please =) Reviews do make the fic writer write... Hehe.
P.S. Read jy (spiral)'s Buffy/Angel fic here! If it's somewhat similar, that's because most of my ideas and a teeny bit of my plot is from there. Got it? Go read, shoo.