There I was; piss-poor broke and begging for help. It's not much of a life, living on the streets, starving, barely making it to the next day. Never made it any better to be a good person, locked away under the guise of a hopeless soul. I couldn't say I really had much just before I got here, a mom that was never home, and a dead-beat dad that died when I was four. My brother and I always looked out for each other; he looked after me more than I looked out for him. You could have said he was perfect; got good grades, honor roll, football, baseball, dedicated, and loving, the whole package. He was top of his class, and never really had any trouble finding himself a girl to hang around every now and again. So much promise, so much talent
When I was very young, watching my dad drink his life away, I came to a realization that turned into a belief so strong; it might as well have been my only religion. Everything bad that happened around me or to me was directly, or indirectly, caused by me. Whenever mom happened to be home, she'd fight with dad, lucky for her he wasn't naturally an angry drunk. In the depth of an argument, one of the few I can remember well, I had hid behind the couch by the window to the backyard, listening, and knowing fully well what they were saying. I saw their reflections in the window; I saw how they moved and how they spoke. The argument began with a question, just one, single question.
"What are you gonna to do 'bout Annabel, Jen? You know she too slow for school, you gonna just leave 'er here?"
"Last thing I'm worried 'bout is how Annabel's gonna fail kindergarten, you and I both know that compared to Johnny, she's not gonna amount to much."
"Jen, you sure you wanna do that? We could get ourselves buried up the ass with trouble."
"They got better things to worry about than a piss-poor broke family in the rough part of town. They get 'em goodie-goods in uptown before they get us." She slouched down on the couch, sighing loudly and looked over to dad, "Since when do you defend Annie anyways, Richard?"
The big man grunted after taking a drink from his glass. "Since I became her father." At that moment, it looked as if mom would burst into flames of rage. She stood up in front of dad.
"You never wanted Annie in the beginning! You drank yourself into a god-damn coma the night she was born! You've lost job after job, and you've drank yourself into a stupor ever since, nothing but a useless nobody." She had yelled. She paused, and I distinctly remember seeing them, dad on the lounge chair, and mom standing in front of him. "You know I didn't want Annie either, not after I realized that she'd never be normal, never be like Johnny is." She took the man's drink, downed the rest of it and shuddered. "I work all day. I have to travel two hours to get to and from work I stay in a trashy old apartment, and to only have you waste it on booze." Dad shook his head and flicked his hand, as if he hoped to flick her away like some annoying bug.
"I know she ain't got no future, just like you and me, Jen, but at least give her a chance, don't shut her out yet." He picked up the beer bottle he had sitting on the floor by the lounge chair, popped it open, and chugged down about half of it. Mom sighed, frustrated, and threw her arms in the air.
"Go screw yourself, Richard. I don't want to deal with your irrational crap anymore. I'm telling you now that you ain't ever gonna be proud of that girl, she's too damn stupid."
I watched with disappointment in my heart, Johnny always told me I was smart, that I could be just like him everyday, but if that was true, why would they argue about it so much? My childish mind came up with more reasons to hate myself, to believe I was worthless. I saw my dad shaking his head, chugging the rest of the beer. Not long after mom stormed off, dad passed out.
Johnny walked in not too long after, coming back from school. I ran to him, tears in my eyes, sobbing childishly. I didn't say anything, but I remember he held me until I fell asleep. I woke up that night in bed, Johnny across the room at his desk, doing homework. I sat up and yawned, my eyes puffy from crying so much. I looked at him for awhile, watching how quickly he wrote, and wanted hit myself for being so slow, I didn't want to be dumb. I ended up just smacking myself on the forehead with a loud "thwack". Johnny looked up at me, startled for a moment, then confused.
"Annabel Marie, what the hell are you doing?"
"Mum said I not be normal, never be like you, fast and smart." I smacked myself again on the forehead. "I hope I can hit head, make work right." For my age of four, I spoke well, and understood more than anyone realized, despite the fact that I seemed a little slow. Johnny came at me faster than I could blink, holding my hand that I used to smack myself with away, looking upset.
"Annabel! Stop that now! You don't go and hit yourself, your head works fine!" He kissed the red mark on my forehead and sighed, letting my hand go as I looked up at him, blinking.
"But John-" He shook my head to stop me.
"No buts about it Annie, I won't stand to watch you smack yourself for no good reason." I nodded, and then looked down. I wanted to lighten the mood, so I grinned and looked up at him.
"Can I smack head if I good reason to?" I pointed to my forehead as I said this and was rewarded with a grin from Johnny.
"No Annie, you can't smack your head, even if you had a good reason to." He hugged me and sat me on his lap. I remember that, even though he was already so big and so smart, he was only in sixth grade, he was twelve years old then "Remember what I told ya Annabel?" He waited for my nod, and then continued. "Ma and pa don't know you like I do. You've got the brains, you're smarter than they could ever imagine. You know I'm right, huh?" I nodded again, this time slowly, I wasn't sure if I believed it. "Good, 'cause you are. You start school next month Annie, you'll show 'em, you'll show dad that you aren't worthless, and you'll prove to mom you're a genius in disguise!" He said with a smile, tickling me. I giggled and nodded.
"I show 'em Johnny, I will!"
"Do ya promise me Annabel?" Grinning, he held out his pinky. I grasped it with my little one and nodded. I had no idea that the moment I made this promise, the course of my entire life shifted.