Author's Note: After reading a bunch of PR stories, and watching a PR vídeo on youtube, and listening to my playlist in repeat, I listened to 'Cupid's Chokehold' and began laughing at how much it matches Puck and Rachel – I'm not the first to realize it, someone made a fanvideo out of it, I can't remember who. Hope you like it.
I loved Neil Patrick Harris in 'Dream On' – in fact, I loved 'Dream On'! It's been a while since an episode had me all bubbly and excited.
Pairings: Puck-centric, Quinn/Puck, Santana/Puck, Rachel/Puck, with appearance of all possible pairings. Spoilers to all the episodes up to 'Dream On'.
Disclaimer: The song belongs to Gym Class Heroes. gLee and everything related belong to Mr. Ryan Murphy.
Cupid's Chokehold
Girlfriend #1: Quinn Fabray
We even have a secret handshake
And she loves the music that my band makes
I know I'm young, but if I'd have to choose her or the sun
I'd be one nocturnal son of a gun
Puck hooks up with Quinn Elizabeth Fabray again after their life-changing-baby-daddy-secret comes out. She moves out of the Hudsons' house and into his house, much to the distaste of his very religious mother, who is, of course, not happy that her first grandchild is going to be born from a Christian girl to her sixteen-year-old son, and out of wedlock, and that she's not even going to meet the little girl. Anne Puckerman, however, is not going to let her granddaughter's mother to sleep in the backseat of her car, and so she begrudgingly takes Quinn in.
They kiss again three days after Quinn moves in his room, which is now her room since Anne forced him to give Quinn the comfort of his bed and sent him to sleep on the couch (he's also on cooking and cleaning duty for a month for having impregnated the girl). They're watching 'The Proposal' when Quinn's eyes go wide, then she takes Puck's hand and places against her belly. He looks at her strangely for a moment before he feels it – her.
It's like the flutter of a butterfly against his spread-open palm, but it's the first time he feels the baby – his daughter – is a reality. He leans down, places a kiss against Quinn's stomach and mumbles, "Daddy loves you", before straightening up and sharing an excited smile – teary, on her part – with Quinn. Next thing he knows, they're lip-locked like they're both twelve and it's their first kiss.
It's not a peaceful relationship, but it's not stormy as it was with Santana. They keep a united front, but he slips every now and then, trying to lure Berry into cheating on Jesse St. Douche, trying to hook up with Mercedes, eventually giving in to Santana's expert sexting. At first, Quinn cries and bitches him out, and screams and gives him the silent treatment. But he can't believe she expects of him to be without sex, just kissing and cuddling. She's worse that Berry was when they dated – at least Berry allowed him to grope her, but Quinn doesn't allow him to move beyond lip-locks. He feels like he's ten again, and he hates it.
But Quinn is his baby mama, and he's still very interested in keeping Little Girl Puckerman, so he apologizes at first, but then Quinn gets used to it and allows him to get it out of his system, all the while looking sadly and disappointedly at him – the only time she looks at him all mysterious and unreadable was when he softly sang that line at Berry's 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'. He tried to press her about it later on, but she just shook her head and told him he was seeing things.
They have a huge fight eight weeks before her due date, because he wants to keep the baby, and she wants to give it up for adoption. Anne is forced to step in to run interference – mostly because she fears the influence of all the shouting and screaming at her granddaughter's health and well-being – and sends him out for a walk. He slams the door close on the way out (no one will know, but he walks all the way to the Berry residence, where he bitches at Berry, and she listens and then holds him when he breaks down. It's their restart). Anne then sits Quinn down and says she's supportive of Noah's wish to keep the child, and that Quinn should seriously consider Noah's input. Her eyes harden when she says she knows Quinn thinks he's a Lima loser – the blonde looks down in shame – but Noah's the father, and he has rights.
Nina, who has heard everything, makes her opinion known by saying that Quinn's evil if she takes the baby away from Noah.
Later that evening, when Rachel drops him off, Puck finds Quinn sitting at his makeshift bed. Her eyes are swollen and red-rimmed, and her arms are wrapped protectively around her grown stomach, and she says she isn't ready for motherhood, but he'll have full custody of their baby girl if he wants it. He makes her promise that she won't regret it later down the road.
(She gets all mysterious again when she says that eventually his daughter – she puts emphasis on his, and he can't help the grin – will have a wonderful mother that his own mother will approve of. He's too high on his thrill to notice the sparkle on her eyes).
He begins preparing for the arrival of his daughter. He picks names and a nursery theme – he takes everyone's input for this, but can't decide. The glee club decides for him when Mr. Schue forces him to do Saturday detention; by the time he comes home, they all have put together a light pink and creamy white small room, decorated with little fairies posing and playing in small gold stars and piled with Rockababy CDs and baby books and Disney DVDs.
The girls throw him a baby shower two weeks before Quinn's due date, and Berry steps up to the task of talking to Russell and Judy Fabray about their daughter's return home after she gives birth. Quinn cries and hugs Berry when she arrives at the Puckerman household telling the blonde she's allowed to go back to her parents' house once she gives birth and everything about the baby's custody is settled.
(Quinn notices the way Anne looks wistfully at the smaller brunette when Rachel offers to clean up after the party is over. She makes a point to approach Puck's mother later that evening, saying she believes one day Puck will wake up and realize the perfect woman is standing right in front of him. Anne smiles softly and says that Quinn will make an amazing mother some day and that Finn is a very lucky boy).
Puck picks a name but doesn't tell anyone until Quinn gives birth to a beautiful, healthy little girl who is all him. She has his coloring, his eyes and a thick mane of black hair. The only thing she has of Quinn is the shape of her mouth, but her lips are pink and thin like Puck's. Quinn holds her and kisses her after she sweats her out and tells her quietly that Auntie Quinn loves her. She then tells Puck to take her, and calls him 'daddy'.
His eyes are swimming with tears, and he kisses her forehead chastely, thanking her for this, for his daughter, and she smiles tiredly and nods, asking him to take good care of his baby. He nods and, after she's examined and cleaned and dressed by the nurses, he walks out of the birthing room, out to the waiting room, where his mother and all their friends are gathered. Everyone screams in happiness, and Anne gives cigars away to the adults. Miss Pillsbury forces Mr. Schue to brush his teeth and use half a bottle of mouthwash after he lights his cigar up.
(Quinn cries a little when she's alone, because it's her first daughter and she gave her up, but the raw emotion in Puck's eyes – the sheer, fierce adoration – convinces her she's made the right decision).
He announces the name he picked when the ten glee members, Mr. Schue, Ms. Pillsbury, Berry's parents and his mother are gathered in Quinn's recovery room. His new daughter's name is Isabella Quinn Puckerman, and Quinn smiles and tears up a little, squeezing his hand slightly in thanks. She cries openly when he quietly, later, asks her if she'll be godmother. She agrees.
Quinn moves out of the Puckerman household two weeks after the birth. Puck's already the center of Isabella's young life, and she can't believe why she was against letting him being a father – he's a natural at it. He kisses her cheek softly, and thanks her again for everything, and she smiles and nods and kisses Bella's soft cheek, whispering to Puck that she'll come over often to check on her goddaughter. Rachel's over, fawning over the baby, and Quinn hides a smile when she catches Rachel cooing at Isabella, who's comfortably nested in her arms, and a smiling Puck looking on.
(She nudges Anne, who takes a picture when they aren't looking. It'll be on Puck's mantelpiece, years from now).
Judy Fabray's eyes are sparkling with joy when she allows her daughter to come in, and Russell Fabray hugs Quinn tighter than she has ever remembered him, kissing softly the crown of her head. They ask about the baby, and she tells them about her deal with Puck. Judy later asks if Quinn's sure she doesn't want the baby, and is surprised at Quinn's soft, fierce maturity when her daughter tells her this is the best for all of them.
Girlfriend #2: Santana Lopez
It's gonna be a long drive home
But I know as soon as I arrive home
And I open the door, take off my coat and throw my bag on the floor
She'll be back in my arms once more for sure
Isabella is three-and-a-half months when Puck hooks up, again (much to the distaste of Quinn, and to Anne's disappointment), with Santana Lucia Lopez. Being a father has somewhat matured him, and if anything this makes him an even hotter commodity around the McKinley girls. Santana, who was his first serious girlfriend, quickly moves back in familiar territory, sexting up a storm and offering to help him babysit Isabella – and Nina – when he can't stay out partying because his mother has to work overnight.
(He'll later think that he should have seen as a sign that Nina cries when she opens the door to Santana, and that Isabella throws a fit of epic proportions when the Latina tries to feed her).
When word reaches Quinn's ears that Santana and Puck are again Santana-and-Puck, she sits him down at glee rehearsal room and chews him out saying that he's supposed to take home the girl – the woman that's going to be Isabella's mother. She reminds him that Santana ditched him on a lame excuse – because of a low credit score. He rolls his eyes and asks her if he's supposed to remain sexless until he finds the one that hasn't been born yet that'll put up with his shit.
(He doesn't understand why she smirks when Berry walks him, talking with Hummel about Beyoncé's changing style, a talk she stops when she sees Puck to ask about Isabella).
Anne is more effective in showing her distaste of her son's new lady love. She walks in Puck and Santana halfway to having sex in the middle of her living room, with her granddaughter sleeping peacefully on her playpen and Nina safely locked away in her bedroom, rocking out to Hannah Montana in an unusually high volume (Anne later learns Puck told Nina to keep it as high as she could, to drown the sounds Santana makes while making out with Noah on the living room).
Santana dresses as quickly as she can, and flees out without a second glance or anything towards Anne. She yells at Nina to tone the song down, checks at Isabella, who is still dead to the world – she's such a good baby – and then grounds Puck's ass for two months. She takes away his Xbox and laptop and cell phone, and he has his Saturday nights off revoked. She also tells him she's going to Child Services to ask for Isabella's custody if he tries to sneak out. Anne knows he's scared shitless of losing his baby girl, so she's sure he's not going to try and step out of line.
The Latina mocks him when he tells her he's basically housebound. Berry accidentally eavesdrops on his talk with Santana and learns of situation, and later that night appears with a stack of DVDs, a plate of some sugary goods and an offer to help Noah study. Anne is ecstatic and lets Berry in – she suggests she helps him increase his GPA so he has a shot at leaving Lima for college, and Anne accepts it for him. She takes Isabella so they can study, but Puck spends half the night sneaking sexts to Santana through Berry's phone.
(He later sneaks a call to the Latina, and has a phone threesome with her and Brittany. The next day, they all get detention because Ms. Sylvester catches them acting on that threesome at her office, and Mr. Schue has to use all his big words to convince Figgins not to follow Sue's orders to kick them out, which Schue twists to Puck's favor by pointing out that Santana and Brittany are the best Cheerios Sue has. Anne shakes her head and grumbles about this. Quinn is furious and chews his ass off. Berry looks disappointed and sad).
Puck's okay with Santana hooking up with Brittany not so behind his back. Fuck, he's a guy, so he thinks that his hot girlfriend liking to sleep with other hot girls is, well, pretty hot.
But when he learns that Santana made out with Matt in a party? Well, shit like that is not kosher. Matt ends up with a black eye, and Puck ditches Santana again and makes out against her locker with Sofia Mercado, a hot Latina that has been Santana's not so subtle competition for hottest Mexican around McKinley for years now. Santana is furious, but Matt moves on from her bitchy ways.
Out of Santana-mood, on to Berry taste. Puck is grumpy when he hears Hummel and Jones gossiping about how Matt is quietly romancing Rachel, who is more than willing to his moves. Puck doesn't believe it at first, but slams the nearest freshman into a locker when he sees Matt holding Berry's hand and walking her to classes, both talking animatedly about their favorite Beyoncé's music (Puck feels his blood boil at the glazed look on Matt's eyes when Berry mentions she has a leotard similar to the one Beyoncé uses on the Single Ladies video)
(Quinn smirks knowingly at this. Mr. Schue gives Matt a solo at Rachel's insistence. Anne is elated when she drills Rachel about her love life and notices a flash of annoyance in Noah's face when Rachel launches on a story about her new fling with Matt).
Puck and Santana begin hooking up on and off as Rachel moves on quickly from boyfriend to boyfriend. She and Matt agree to break up and remain friends two weeks after they start going out (Puck and Finn not subtly try to pump Matt from info about where Berry allowed him to go while making out, but Matt tells them to fuck off). She moves on to Mike, which Puck threatens with bodily harm if he tries to pop Berry – he doesn't understand why he's suddenly so protective of Rachel, and chalks it up to being a Jew on the lookout for another Jew.
She's then seen drunkenly making out with Artie, who is on an off phase with Tina, on Brittany's birthday blowout; by the next glee meeting, she rushes to assure everyone it was an 'unfortunate coincidence that won't repeat itself ever again', something that Artie is quick to agree with, but their friendship is visibly strengthened by the sharing of spit. Tina glares at Rachel for some time until Artie tells her to back off.
Santana finally decides to pull the brakes on their on-and-off fling and tells Puck she's not ready to be rendered by a single father, no matter how hot and good in bed he is. Puck takes him like the man he is – that means he grumbles, 'yeah, yeah, whatever' before moving on to more pressing matters: he's too busy trying to figure out whether Berry is or not making out again with St. Douche, who is always around (Puck thinks he's waiting on the wings for his second chance), and he and Berry are more often than not talking quietly amongst themselves.
(Anne and Quinn discuss Puck's shimmering and growing feelings over Rachel and his sudden interest in her love life over coffee when the blonde comes to a visit for Isabella and Puck is busy getting the baby from his room. Anne shares that she despairs that Noah won't notice what has been rubbing in his nose for months now, and Quinn assures her that Rachel is very much aware of what she feels for Noah and he for her).
Santana jumps back in bed with Brittany, which actually is her preference. She comes out as a full lesbian to her parents and to McKinley High and a packed audience when they wipe Regionals with Vocal Adrenaline's asses and she kisses Brittany after they're announced as winners. Everyone (except for those in New Directions) gasps but Santana and Brittany don't care a bit, with big smiles on their faces and arms wrapped around each other.
(He and Berry jump at each other's arms, and she's all smiles and shiny eyes and happy tears and 'we did it, Noah!'. Not for the first time, he feels the urge to kiss her senseless, and he leans down to do it – Quinn nearly has a heart attack out of happiness, Anne sends a quick prayer of thanks for the good God, and Kurt zeroes his camera at them – and Rachel's eyes are closed and her breath is short, but Finn snoops in, picking Rachel up and lifting her on his shoulders, ruining the moment).
(Puck's rugged short nails bite into his skin when he clenches his fists shut and he silently curses his best friend for his awful timing. Anne nearly weeps with disappointment, Quinn stomps her foot and later calls Finn an 'idiot' over ice cream to Kurt, who nods in agreement).
Girlfriend # 3: Rachel Berry
And I would still cherish every moment
And when I start to build my future she's the main component
Call it love, call it luck, call it whatever you want it
But everywhere I go I keep a picture in my wallet like you
After Regionals (and the-almost-kiss-that-wasn't), everyone in glee is all about trying to bring Noah and Rachel back together, but Finn, that is (Santana is also not that interested, since she couldn't care less about Berry, but Brittany is very much on the 'Puckleberry' wagon). Their leading man is very much interested in being with Rachel, and Kurt is the first to actually do something inside the club that takes Finn's spot as their male lead.
Mr. Schuester asks them to bring duets for them to try, and the next day Kurt suggests 'Lay All Your Love On Me' by Abba. Mr. Schue approves, and signals for Finn to step up so he can learn the lyrics, but Kurt quickly runs interference and says that Puck's rougher, huskier voice will blend beautifully with Rachel in this particular piece. Everyone in glee is quick to agree, and so Rachel, Finn and Puck himself are outvoted. (Puck will later on admit he was stoked that he wouldn't have to watch Finn and Berry have eye sex once again).
Finn at first tries to sneak into their practices, until Berry gets fed up with him interrupting them and suggesting that Puck does stuff like he does and coolly asks him to leave. He tries to trick her into meeting him after rehearsal, but she very pointedly tells him she will stay practicing with Puck until late that night because of someone who kept interrupting them (Puck makes a discrete 'ouch', but Finn misses the subtle jab at himself). Finn pouts and shoots his patented puppy-dog-look at Rachel, but it miraculously fails, and Rachel very sternly tells Finn she'll see him the next day. Finn leaves like a dejected puppy, and Puck – Noah, Noah comments on how surprising it is that Rachel passed up a chance at being with Finn. Rachel laughs and says she's just done with being played by Finn, and Noah is impressed.
Two days later they perform in stage, and Mr. Schue is impressed with Puck's singing and how he sounds with Rachel. Little by little he starts to give Puck more duets with Rachel – Mercedes and Santana take over some leads with Finn, who pouts and whines, but no one cares.
(After the third week of Finn complaining that singing with Mercedes and Santana doesn't sound as good as it did with Rachel, the two girls team up to tell him to stop being a baby and learn to deal. Puck walks in when they're leaving, and they smirk and nod at him. Finn tells him, dazed, what has happened, and Puck suppresses the urge to smirk. He just pats his boy's back and says that they're right, dude, stop being a girl.)
Rachel makes a point of going to Noah's house to study sessions and glee rehearsals. At first, he's incredibly resistant to this – but, ever the driven crazy girl, she persists, and he ends up getting used to it. Isabella is now six and a half months, and Noah's amazed at how much his little girl loves Rachel. Isabella smiles and squeals and basically throws her chubby little body to the brunette whenever they meet – and Rachel is great with her, loving and attentive and slightly maternal. They're cuddling together in the couch now, Nina sitting on the carpet, her books all spread in their center table as she does her homework, Rachel helping her whenever she has doubts while giving Isabella her bottle. This makes Noah think what an amazing mother Berry is going to be someday.
(He then thinks of her with a toddler Isabella, and a baby boy who has his hazel eyes, his grin and her smile. He's confused at his racing heart – and at how much he wants this – this vision to come true).
(It's the first time he realizes his changing feelings for her. If they started as friends in a night where he was upset at Quinn's insistence of him not having his daughter, he starts to see her as a potential girlfriend in a night where she proves she fits perfectly with his sister and said daughter).
Finn finally asks Rachel out three weeks after the night Puck realized he is interested in Rachel as more than a friend. She and he are standing by her locker, both bantering playfully about anything and everything under the sun, when Finn approaches her with that hopeful expression in his face – he doesn't even spare a glance at Puck's direction – and asks her if she wants to go get a movie that night.
(The shocked – not pleased, Noah realizes with a fluttering heart – look in her face proves she isn't waiting for this. She throws Noah a panicked glance, and he wraps an arm around her shoulder and remembers her of how she had set up a dinner party with her father and his mother that weekend. Finn misses the relieved squeeze she gives Noah's waist and asks her if she's on. She declines, politely, saying she's helping Anne plan the dinner party. Finn's face falls, but then brightens up and he asks if he can join their families. Rachel quickly says no, and then rushes to say it's a Jewish holiday which Finn won't understand and be 'uncomfortable as Noah and I and our parents celebrate our Hebrew roots').
(Puck bites back a chuckle when Finn flattens out and mumbles that it's a raincheck then).
(He then asks Rachel why she didn't accept Finn's invitation, and she blushes adorably and says she's no longer 'romantically invested in Finn Hudson'. He teases her and asks who is the poor guy she's obsessing over).
(He doesn't understand the mysterious look she sends him).
(Quinn listens this from her locker by Rachel, and hides a smile at this. She speed-dials Anne and shares the news: Noah and Rachel are making progress. Anne thanks God, and Quinn says amen. And then they start plotting).
They end up forced to make that dinner party come to life because Finn, who is usually dumb at everything, apparently gets smart when he decides to pull the moves on Rachel. She avoids being alone with him like hell, and ends up spending more time with Noah, and Isabella, and Nina. In the dinner party, Rachel moans that Finn can't get a hint, and Noah rolls his eyes and tells her it's Finn, he won't recognize a hint if it gave him the hottest lapdance ever. Anne offers a motherly advice telling Rachel to just tell Finn no. Nina innocently suggests that Noah pretends he's dating Rachel to get Finn to back off.
(He later gives her a box of candy for this).
(And he's surprised, the next Monday after the dinner, when Rachel plants one on him in front of him, having decided to follow Nina's plan. Quinn squeals in joy and jumps up and down and asks them when this happened! Rachel smiles – only Puck sees it's uneasy – and says it was over the weekend. She later begs Noah to tag along).
(Since it means he'll have a handful of hot make-out-sessions with Berry to make up for it, he agrees).
(And the relationship may be false, but the make-out sessions? Those are real and hot as fuck).
It takes a while, but suddenly, what was a fake relationship? It's not false anymore.
A cheerio hits on Noah like crazy and kisses him. Rachel sees it and walks away in tears, while Noah runs after her begging her to let him explain. Later, in glee, when everyone is aware that Puckleberry is going through a bad patch, Finn looks smug and tries to move on to offer Rachel consolation (Noah looks murderous), but Quinn and the other girls swoop in and surround Rachel in a bubble of girl support. Kurt approaches Noah and gives him a music sheet. He glares at the former kicker, saying he won't do that, but the smaller boy lifts an eyebrow and asks him if he wants Rachel back or not.
(Does he even need to fucking answer that?)
With a suffering sigh, he tells Mr. Schue he has something he wants to sing to his girl. Rachel, eyes red-rimmed and puffy, shoots a curious sideways glance, but says nothing. Kurt shoos Brad away and sits down on the piano bench. He cautiously fingers the keys, nodding at the left tackle to signal when to begin. Noah takes a deep breath…
… And sings Lifehouse' 'You and Me' to Rachel.
Like it was with 'Sweet Caroline', once he reaches the end everyone is singing along, and so is Rachel, but instead of smiling she's crying (smiling too), her hands over her heart. When he is done, everyone holds their breath to see what she's going to do. She leaves her seat, walks slowly to him, wraps her arms around him, whispers something in his ear, and kisses him.
(She says she loves him. It's the first time one of his girlfriends says this).
(In between their kisses, amongst most of their friends cheering, he says back at her).
(Quinn calls Anne and says that Noah-and-Rachel is a reality. No one understands why Anne bursts into happy tears in the middle of the hospital).
The End.