John Paul McQueen had always been a quiet person, he rarely allowed himself to be put out there for everyone to see. He liked being in the background, watching as everyone else around him shone, while he sunk to the background. Most people put it down to him being shy, having 5 sisters, 5 much more louder sisters, must have made it impossible to stand out, someone had to be the sensible quiet one, and that was John Paul.
But what really kept John Paul quiet, was because he knew that if he could just keep up that pretense, if he could just keep people believing thats who he was, they would never figure out was hidden deep underneath all of it. If he stayed in the background, speaking when being spoken to, never drawing attention to himself, he felt for sure that he could hide anything. From he's friends, he's family and even from himself, if he just believed the lies he fed everyone and himself everyday, then they would be true.
So he had no idea why he found himself standing outside this particular bar on this cold Friday night, he's jacket hunched around him and feeling absolutely terrified. Perhaps it was that one day ago he and he's family had all packed up and moved away from a life they all knew and were comfortable with. He found himself in a place where no one knew he's name. No one knew the quiet the John Paul, the one that always did what was expected of him, the one that never broke free.
That's why he was standing here – he knew that this night was he's one chance, the one time. Before he had to face he's new life and settle back into the routine of being the safe John Paul. If any of he's friends from back home knew he was standing outside a gay bar, watching as the people hurried by, moving in and out of the bars, nervous to even move from the spot he was standing, they would never have believed it. Never even have expected it. In fact he was pretty sure if they knew he was standing outside any bar they wouldn't believe it.
He hated their perception of him, and yet clung onto it for dear life out of a terrible fear that consumed him. There were quiet moments John Paul had let himself think about the fact that he had always felt different, but he would pass over them so quickly, not letting himself focus on it for too long. But something had happened earlier in the evening that had driven him to be here. As he sat in he's new house he's Mum and sisters bustling about, fighting over bedrooms, annoyed that John Paul had the biggest room and everything seemed to slow down, he felt like he was frozen in time and everything around him had slipped away. He was being suffocated by everything that surrounded him and he had to get out – he could feel it, the same feeling as before, he knew he would be exactly the same as he had always been and for one night, he just wanted to break free from it. And he had slipped away as they had all stood around arguing and somehow ended up here. Face to face with something that he had been avoiding for the longest time.
He felt he's phone vibrate in he's pocket, taking it out he looked down "Chloe" flashed on the screen, he looked away – looking up and down the street and sighed, and for one moment he wanted to walk away, answer the call, go back home and just go to sleep. But something told John Paul that this could be he's only chance, he's one chance and he needed to know. He cancelled the call and put he's phone back into he's pocket and looked over to one of the doors into a bar. Truth was John Paul actually had no idea what he was doing here, or what he had come here for but he knew questioning it would make him back out. He breathed in deeply and walked to the door, he's heart beating quickly in he's chest.
As he walked into the bar, he suddenly became very aware of the fact that he was alone, as he watched groups of people smiling and laughing, groups of people on the dance floor happily dancing away, he immediately headed to the bar, hoping a drink or maybe even two would calm him down. The lady behind the bar smiled at him widely and he ordered he's drink and never looked away from the bar, he sat there for a while just staring straight ahead drinking he's drink.
The lady behind the bar approached him again asking if he wanted another. He almost felt like he was on display as her and the guy behind the bar looked at him and smiled at one another, he had clearly become part of some joke they had and it was making him feel even more uncomfortable than he already did.
"First time here huh?" John Paul looked up suddenly to find the woman behind the bar was now looking directly at him.
"That obvious huh?" She laughed and placed another drink down in front of him.
"Honey, when you've worked here as long as I have, you get to know these things."
John Paul smiled, he could feel himself start to relax slightly as the woman whose name was Mary started to explain that she had been running the bar for nearly 10 years and she had seen a lot of John Paul's in her time. It wasn't quite what he had expected. He's first time in a gay bar and he ended up talking to the 30 something woman behind the bar, and it actually being one of the funnest nights he'd had in a really long time. She didn't ask him anything about himself, they just spoke about her and the bar and random talk about TV shows nothing of any consequence. He's awkwardness must have been apparent and she seemed to have really calmed him down. He still felt out of he's comfort zone but at the moment anything that eased that feeling was good.
He excused himself and headed to the toilets and as he walked across the room, he felt eyes staring at him which made him feel very self conscious, he didn't look at anyone, he focused on the door of the bathrooms and made he's way quickly across the room and when he reached the door he pushed it open forcefully and immediately headed to the sink, leaning over it breathing in and out quickly trying to catch he's breathe.
"Bad night?" the voice made him jump out of he's skin and he stepped backwards quickly as some stood closely by he's side.
"Erm... just weird" the stranger smiled and began washing he's hands. He nodded and turned to face John Paul "I know what thats like"
John Paul felt like he couldn't breathe. He felt that feeling from earlier, like he was frozen in time, but this time for a completely different reason. Two brown eyes staring right at him, looking at him in a way that he swore he would always remember. It was like he knew, he knew that all of this was alien to John Paul, that he felt completely out of he's depth. Those eyes. He could never forget them. He wasn't sure how long they stood there looking at one another like that, but something compelled John Paul to not look away. It was broken by the door swinging open and a drunken yell snapped them causing them to look away.
"Craig! Come on. You've been in here... oh... " the drunken man looked towards John Paul and smiled at the stranger John Paul now knew as Craig "Didn't realise you were busy." He laughed and left the toilet.
John Paul turned to face the mirror again and he watched as Craig began drying he's hands. "Mates eh?" The silence being broken startled John Paul again, realising how on edge he was. "I better get back to them. They can't seem to stay in one place for very long. It was nice to meet you..."
John Paul looked again into those eyes, that seemed to captivate him, and he realised that he was waiting for him to speak. "Erm John Paul."
He watched as Craig nodded. "John Paul. I'll remember that name." Craig smiled and turned away and opened the door. He stopped and turned back to look at John Paul. "Look, I'm not. I mean I don't do this. Mainly cos well I'm crap at it... but erm... could I buy you a drink?"
He felt scared again really scared. Like he's stomach was rising up into he's throat he's heart beating faster and faster again. He's mind spinning at what felt like a 100 mph. But something about it all felt right. Felt more right than anything else ever had in he's life. And he knew what it meant, he knew it all along. There was no hiding from this. All he did was nod. And then smile back at the face in front of him, and followed him through the room, settling down on the seat next Craig at the bar. He watched as Craig ordered them a drink, and he knew that this was just tonight. One night he could be this person. The person he had been running from for so long, and he knew thats all it was just one night. Tomorrow he'd wake up back to being the safe John Paul everyone knew and who everyone expected him to be.