Sum—Crackfic! Hidan and Itachi always get the worst—and increasingly embarrassing—missions. At least for Itachi. Hidan has too many back-up lives to care.
Disclaimer: Umm, I have no witty remarks to how annoying these things are. If I owned it, Hidan and Itachi would get into more bizarre situations, and of course, I wouldn't be writing it here. This is a FANfiction.
Warning: Eh, this is not shonen-ai…But is complete crack. (Which means that anything characters say and/or do cannot be held against me.)
Flames are ignored, so don't waste both our lives, go watch anime, instead!
Sham!
"That is the biggest load of garbage I have ever heard."
"Aw, come on, blindy, the Leader said we had to come up with an ex-"
"And as I've said before, he made a mistake in pairing me up with you."
"See! We're already arguing!" Sighs. Exaggerated cooing. "Just like a cou-"
"Why the heck are you in my room, anyway? I will not hesitate to use my new Tsukiyomi on-."
Hidan mumbled something incoherent.
"What was that, Hidan?"
"I said, you're just like that emo brother of yours-"
"That's it, you FREAK!"
"Hey, we even have pet names, Weasel-sama!"
"Get out."
Hidan sighed, shaking his head remorsefully, "Well, if you insist on being that way."
Hidan smirked.
The Leader had declared a full Akatsuki meeting, requested by Hidan and Itachi, strangely enough. As the remaining members conversed sparsely in the main room of their hideout, wondering what was in fact so important to their boss that it required all of them to show, they were interrupted by, not just the Leader, but mainly Hidan, who walked up to the stand they'd had built, and with a charismatic sigh, said somberly,
"As this news concerns all of us and the future of this Organization, I felt it best that I inform you all myself."
Puzzled stares filled the room.
"What the heck are you on, Hidan?" Kisame said impatiently.
Hidan looked down for a minute, as if taking a moment to ready himself, and then said looking straight into every set of eyes in the room. "I am eloping."
Silence.
"Um. Pardon?" Tobi said fidgeting, looking up at the Leader for any hint of what the heck was going on. But the Leader was no longer there, leaving only Hidan, himself, and the fellow members of the Akatsuki.
Then again, wait a minute, where in the world was Itachi-san?
After more than a few, 'wtf's?' and 'did you get your screw up your head when you revived yourself last time?' Hidan continued, starting out slowly but finishing in a quick voice,
"Well, I didn't want to tell you all, but the truth is…
'Tachi and I have fallen madly in love, and we can no longer be a part of the organization. My deepest apologies, seriously."
Fish eyes greeted him. He'd actually made his normally cocky, arrogant comrades speechless! Oh joy! As if to add to the gaping all-out bizarreness, he somehow dramatically produced a handkerchief and wiped at his dry eyes, prepared to make his leave, when Tobi said quickly,
"Wait! Please just tell us where you two poor lovers are going to go!"
Hidan blanched. What…the heck? He hadn't thought this far into the plan, he'd just expected everyone to be so shocked, he'd be able to slip away and complete the assignment with that loser, wherever he was.
Whispers began, doubt was formed. He could overhear Deidara muttering,"Stupid freaking jokes."
Crap! WhatamIgonnadonow?! Hidan thought frantically, but was interrupted by a deathly serious voice,
"Everyone.
We plan to move to a region by name of Canada, invest in gay marriage, and adopt 2.5 kids. Thank you." Itachi said pointedly, and with a concealed 'I will kill you one day' look towards Hidan, disappeared.
Hidan merely took a quick look at the owl eyes, dropped jaws, and plain disturbed looks of every single member—except Tobi who was getting a tearful look and just did not count—then laughed nervously and said, "Eh, yep, that's about it. I guess I'll see you, probably, never. Seriously."
With that, he too, disappeared, only to find himself reappear in the Leader's office.
"I think that went somewhat well." Said the mysterious leader.
Hidan snorted ungracefully, "Yah, see what happens when me and Red-Eye get back from the assignment next week. Honestly, why of all things did we have to put on an act like that?"
It was Hidan's own fault, though. When the leader gave him the options of how to destroy the affiliation of the assassination of their newest target with the Akatsuki, he'd personally chosen the one that sounded the most bone crunchingly hilarious—one that he'd been shocked the Leader had it in him to make jokes about.
Okay, so maybe he also, er, forgot to tell the somehow dramatic, 'Live breath, build up your hate for meee!!' Uchiha about option A through H, such as faking death, suicide, etc. But hey, they were off the hook now for whoever they tortured and killed, weren't they?
Suddenly, his innocent musing was interrupted by a steady, business-like voice.
"Really though, Hidan, what did you do with Itachi? I noticed he wasn't there before…?"
Silence.
Neither of them had expected Itachi to show up during the announcement, for different reasons, though. Uh, talk about multi-personality disorder?
"What, you think I gagged and locked him in a closet or something? Yeah right. That Snaringan thing, or whatever it's called, is freaky."
"So…?"
Hidan gave the curious Leader a pointed look, "Do you really think he'd let me live any longer if I told y'all what it was I black-mailed him with?"
With a sigh, the Leader muttered an, "I suppose not" and disappeared. If only their leader had known that the blackmail had been about.
"Heh. I wonder if Itachi even still wears clothes from the junior girl's section under that stupid black Akatsuki cloak of his." And from Itachi's reaction to his threat of revealing said secret, it must have been true! If a monotonous remark of, "They fit considerably better on slender bodies." had been an indicator.
Then again, now Hidan had nothing else to black-mail the Sharingan user with. Suddenly, the snoopy, practically-immortal being had an idea.
Huu…I always did wonder why Blindy kept a photo of that Sasuke kid under his pillow.
"…"
Then again, he shuddered, I don't want to know.
owari
End of Crackfic "Sham"
AN: Ah, for those of you who, somehow, do not know, Itachi is going blind, sobs
And in Japanese, Itachi means 'weasel' just to clear that up. And this is NOT saying anything against Canada, all you hypersensitive ones out there! I love Canada!
So then. I honestly thought I'd upload something besides randomness like this as my first fic, but…life is random, I suppose. It would completely make my day if you reviewed!
Was it bad? Weird? Dull? Have I completely ruined those two? Is this poorly written fic not worth reviewing over? I'd love to know!
And also, even if you didn't like this one-shot, you should go read Piano Man and Church Boy by firefly it's tons of Hidan and Itachi hilarious fun!