Authors note: This story does include drug-usage,mentions of self-harm in later chapters ,light smut and cursing . So if this is a trigger to anyone or just makes you plain uncomfortable then perhaps give this story a miss. If not continue and please review or favourite if you like it :)
Castiel had been clean for 7 days 13 hours and 19 minutes .
Basically he had been clean for a week . Anna told him he should be proud of himself . Which perhaps he would of been ,if he hadn't spent the last 7 days of his "new found sobriety " shaking from withdrawals in the drug rehabilitation centre he had been attending for months .
And yes you had heard that right . Castiel had been attending counselling for a couple of months. But like many of his relationships, his commitment to it had been on again, off again because once it got to hard or deep for him , Castiel would usually go and find a quick shag somewhere else. Or in this case a quick hit , which he did enjoy marginally better .
But he had made a decision , this week .
He wanted to settle down . He wanted to give him and being clean a proper go . Be in a serious relationship with his sobriety . He would admit that he was often tempted even during his 7 days to cheat on being clean . To give in to the sexy and intoxicating mistress that was cocaine or ectasty but he did not .
And why . Why did he make this decision , why did Castiel Novak decide to for once in his life commit to something . He wished it was because he suddenly realised the waste he had made of his life . Or because he had some horrible incident while he was high or low or in whatever limbo he had been in . But it was quite simple really . No big epiphany or mirage in the sky . No thoughtful stroll through the rain only to find the answer at the end of the road .
It was all because of one person . Another beautiful lady in his life .
His sister. Anna Novak the most extraordinary person he knew.
God he was a sap but it was ok , it didn't happen often . Castiel was the most cynical person he knew . He pretty much had nothing but distain for every other Novak ,who wasn't Anna of Gabriel . And even then he was pretty sure that if Gabriel made another joke about him looking like a hobo , he might just knock him out cold .
So Anna was his favourite Novak . It had always been that way . Him and Anna against the rest of the Novak clan . They were both the black sheep of the pure white family . Even as kids it was always him and Anna playing together , eating together and just being linked together non-stop.
That had changed over the years sadly . Castiel as a teenager grew resentful of his family and their "holier then thou " image and became fixated on ruining it . As you can probably guess this led to his addiction to drugs . It also led to a lot of kinky sex and hard liquor but this for him was considered part of the "good times ". The addiction was not.
Anna also became fixated on the same goal as Castiel but did it in a more...reasonable way . Anna became her own person .Becoming quickly a force to be reckoned within the art community of their hometown by the age of 16 , Anna was paving her way in life . And Castiel kind of resented her for it if he was completely honest .
It wasn't fair to him that Anna got to be squeaky clean and admired but still somehow sending a huge middle-finger to the Novaks . And for a while he hated her . Or rather was just envious of her .
Until she got pregnant . Castiel laughed at it when he thought about how big of a deal her pregnancy seemed back then . It was so intense at points that she even moved into Chuck's family house .
But it was the best thing that could of happened . At the time of course it was hard . But Castiel at this point did have an epiphany that he was being an absolute dickhead to Anna and they became as thick as thieves again . He didn't give up drugs . He was 18 at this time so really his addiction was only just starting . But he managed to ease up on them whenever he knew he was going to see her and Phaedra.
Phaedra . He felt himself smile . Even as he sat in the doctor's office with Anna her name could make him smile . He looked at Anna and gave her a piece of that smile. She smiled back wearily .
" You know Castiel I might just have some of what your on " she sighed running her hand through her thick red hair . Castiel felt his smile fade a tad , disappointed by the fact that his sister had such little faith in him . Then again he guessed he hadn't exactly earned it .
" I'm just high on life sis,I'm just high on life " Castiel answered giving her a shaky grin . Anna raised an eyebrow suspiciously . Castiel ignored the fact that his hands had begun to shake and focused on the task infront of him. Trying to make Anna smile . " Ok I'm not just high on my life . But high on your company my darling " Anna lip quirked . Almost there. " I'm high off the thought of my little niece getting to see her uncle clean for the first time since she's been born ".
He had got her ! Castiel smiled in triumph as Anna lips formed into a full grin at the mention of Phaedra.
" You know I'm really proud of you Cas , don't you ? " Anna said softly her eyes full of simmering pride . Castiel felt his heart sunk . He was really an awful person ,wasn't he . His sister was waiting for fucking chemo for god sake and they were talking about him and his problems . Sometimes he was a really sucky brother
" And I you Anna , and I you " He said taking hold of her hand , willing his to stop shaking . When it didn't Anna kept staring straight ahead and then put her other hand on top of his until it stilled.
Castiel is now 25 minutes late collecting Phaedra . He thanks the gods that he has never gotten a girl pregnant while on one of his "binges."
Not only that but at this moment in time Castiel was shaking out in his car outside the school. Waiting for Anna to finish her chemo session by himself was tough enough since it was the first time he had been on his own since he had gone " cold turkey ". But then she had asked him to collect Phaedra because she had forgotten that she had a M.R.I appointment booked for 3'o'clock which meant that he had to spend another hour by himself possibly more if Chuck wasn't at home .
He should of said no. Not because he didn't want to collect Phaedra . He had been planning to see her this afternoon anyhow after he had went to his one on one counselling at least then he would of been clear headed and not in a middle of a withdrawals.
But when he saw Anna all fluffy and pink in her p.j's while still somehow managing to look tired and wan she couldn't refuse her. She looked like the air Castiel breathed to say the bad news could knock her over .
So he said yes stupidly.
Sam the leader of the drug rehabilitation centre he attended and also the main counsellor in their group meetings told them on the first day .
"While your coming off drugs guys,your gonna have to be a bit selfish. Know your limitations guys cause I tell you something , your parents or friends or whoever the situation refers to will be able to forgive you for being selfish during your withdrawals. I presume if they put up with you for this long they understand the situation . But will I tell you what is a lot harder to forgive and forget ..." at this point he'd left a dramatic pause to let the intensity of his word sink in "..Its a lot harder to forgive you getting their hopes up only to have them crushed when you relapse again "
In most situations he would of agreed with Sam . He actually really liked Sam . He was the kind of person who you could tell had been through a lot but didn't feel the need to throw it in your face. And Castiel respected that . But in this case he was gonna had to ignore that little nugget of advice .
And if Sam had anything to say about that he could shove it . His baby sister didn't have cancer .
At this thought Castiel felt his body surge from his drivers seat in some sort of ill-planted determination to prove Sam wrong . He shoved his shaking hands into his hoody pockets and he walked towards the doors of Newtown Elementary School .
The building itself was tolerable if not incredibly plain. Three stories tall , pure white with a few windows dotted around the place it was just a public shool , like any other . Castiel felt a pang of jealously at the normalish of this school wishing that he could of gone to a school like this.
Him and Anna were lucky enough to attend many boarding schools during the years ,each and every one full of pompous ,over-achieving ,horny rich, teenagers with mummy or daddy issues. And yes it was as good of an idea as it sounds. Unless that sounds good because it was not . It was absolutely soul-crushing.
But hey at least the boys were rich enough to sell their drugs cheap.
It was the inside of the school that sucked . Seriously Castiel was pretty sure he had slept in nicer drug dens than the inside of this school . The place itself looked like the inside of some manic depressive robot. The walls were painted some weird silver/indigo colour that almost matched to a point of scary likeness the lockers. The lockers themselves were smeared with words in black marker that Castiel wouldn't even say . And Castiel is sure he had said everything.
He starts to reconsider his idea of public school being miles better than prep school as he searches the dirty brown doors for the name Mr. Winchester Phaedra's third grade teacher . He hopes that's his name anyhow . Anna looked more than tad out of it when she had given him the details and did sound like the name of a man who flew a unicorn for a living while selling...strawberry ice-cream.
But for some reason he thought it had a nice ring to it. Which was why he's kind of giddy when he actually does find a door with name on it ( the "c" had faded from the plague outside the door.)
It was also the reason why he delighted to see the inside of the room lived up to the ownership of somebody called "Winchester". A complete contrast from the rest of the school the room was bright and airy which Castiel put down to the colour scheme of the room which was yellow with hints of red here and there ,like in the curtains or the bean bags spread around the classroom . The walls are filled with drawings from the children and in the corner Castiel can't help but spot a guitar.
He immediately feels homely here and the surge of jealously is back . And he is glad for it because if he was jealous of anyone it gladly be Phaedra.
In the middle of the room he spots the only two people left in the classroom sitting at a table both obviously enjoying each other company . Facing away from him he can see the back of a man who is sitting in a chair way to small for him . The man is obviously listening intently by the way his shoulders are leaning forward and the way he chuckles every now and then at the girl sitting in front of him who Castiel places immediately as Phaedra.
She was such a unique looking child he knew he could notice her in a crowded room of people. In a way she was almost the spit of her mother with long unruly foxy hair , big hazel eyes and creamy white skin. But there was something about her face ...the way her eyes popped out from her face a bit or how she always looked wrung out in a totally chillaxed way that was undeniable her father.
It was clear she spotted him because soon he had a shaking handful of Phaedra as she wrapped him in tight hug. Usually he'd lift her up at this point in ter meetings but he knew that if he did there was a good possibility of him dropping her.
Or seeing how much of a mess her uncle really was .
" Uncle Cassie what are you doing here ? " Phaedra asked into his hoody ,as she had her face firmly pressed into it . Castiel felt his throat tighten which confused him. He knew he was going to have to lie to Phaedra until Anna and Chuck found the time to explain Anna's situation to her . So why was it so hard ?
"Your mother had to work over-time today and your Daddy didn't realise so he is still at work too. So she asked me to collect you . " Castiel found it surprising how easy it was to lie to her . Then again he had much practice at it . He pulled her shoulders away from him playfully and asked her in a high pitch voice that made her giggle " Is that okay darling ? ".
She just nodded quickly with a huge innocent grin on her face that made Castiel's heart ache knowing that after she found out about Anna it would never be the same again . How could it be ? This sort of thing changed a child and that was one thing Castiel knew for sure.
" Can we go say bye to Mr . Winchester Uncle Cassie ? " Phaedra lisped out excitedly and before he could answer her she was dragging him over to the seated man who was now standing up and patting his beige chinos.
" Cassie this is Mr. Winchester , this is my Uncle Cassie " Phaedra said excitedly and kind of flustered since the hand movements she had included in her introduction seemed to had gotten mixed up in the heat of the moment . Castiel looked down at her melting in a puddle of goo. Did little Phaedra have a crush on her teacher? That was the cutest thing he had ever...
Swallowed .
No that wasn't the cutest thing he had ever swallowed . Gosh that sounded wrong even for him .
That was all he could do when he saw Mr. Winchester. Swallow. Because he had just saw Mr. Winchester . And dear lordy he was hot . Like crazy,super-model,"are you photoshop ?"sorta hot. He looked down a Phaedra again and gave her a look of admiration .
She had inherited his good taste in men it had seemed to appear. Castiel cleared his throat as he looked by at Mr. Winchester's face which by the way was perfect. Castiel never really had a type but if he did it would be him . Green eyes that literally looked like they were emeralds that were sparkling in the sun , shallow skin that was tanned to perfection(which made Castiel kind of envious again since everytime he tried to get a bit more tanned he'd burned ) but what Castiel like the most was his smile . Not because it was full of perfect teeth , which it was but because there was something about it . Something that was playful and happy in a sincere way . Like he was full of joy but not in the way that made you want to punch him . In the way that made you happy as well.
" Hello Uncle Cassie " Mr. Winchester said awkwardly while raising an eyebrow in slight confusion. And no Castiel did not giggle like a schoolgirl at this. It was more of an high-pitched chuckle . But it must of been pretty high-pitched because he was certain that Phaedra looked up at him with a confusion look on her face offered his hand and Castiel took it.
"Hello its nice to meet you after all the good things I've heard " Castiel said in a very stoic tone but yet he couldn't help but feel a smile crept in his voice . Did Mr. Winchester just blush ? Castiel shook his head . No he was not because Castiel would never flirt with his nieces school teacher. Would he?
"And as much as I like Cassie ,my name is actually Castiel ." nodded at this information, his eyes looking at Castiel in a way that was almost like they both knew a secret that no one else understood . Castiel felt his heart beat hard for a second ...Withdrawals it must of been from his withdrawals. He quickly turned away from Mr. Winchester and look down a Phaedra.
" And Phaedra were you talking the ear off Mr. Winchester or was that just my imagination ? " Castiel quizzed and almost audible "awwhhedd" as Phaedra turned up to Mr. Winchester and whisper in her most curious voice.
" I didn't really talk your ear off did I?" Castiel didn't mean to laugh but it just came out as he watched struggle to come up with an answer for Phaedra.
"No honey of course you didn't . Look both my ears are still firmly... "he tugged at both hs ears and Castiel tried not to choked on his laughter "in place ." Phaedra nodded clearly relieved and left out a little
"Good". Then she looked up at Castiel her eyes hopeful and said " Are we gonna meet up with mammy at home? "This time Castiel choked but not on his laughter. Why the fuck couldn't he get his act together and not feel like crying everytime Phaedra mentioned felt his mind go blank and all he could think of was Anna in her chemo p.j's .And drugs. He needed some drugs like now. His throat was dry and his heart was a panic and the silence was almost was going to burst because now all he could think about was "what if I lose Anna " and"Oh my god I could actually lose Anna".Was he even a full person without...
"Hey Phaedra why don't you go get your coat and I can tell Cassie about the brillant painting you did today ,okay ? " suggested softly and Phaedra was yet again distracted by the idea of being praised about her picture and getting her coat .As she wandered off to the back of the classroom he wondered why he just couldn't of done that . It seemed so easy to keep her happy yet for some reason he couldn't.
"Thanks "he felt himself gasp trying to keep his eyes to the ground afraid would see him tear up ."And sorry about being late I..."
"Hey stop it Cas right now. It's alright ,its perfectly fine " said as if he understood every inch of not only the situation but of Castiel. Raising his eyes to look in those diamond eyes he felt his throat close up .
"It is ? "he sniffed pitifully . nodded his eyes full of such kindness and his smile basically made of empathy that Castiel almost felt his heart sigh in relief.
" rang ahead and told me about the situation and I realised how hard it must be on everybody in your family . So I told her I'd try and be as accommodating as I could possible be " said as if Castiel was the one doing him a favour. Castiel offered him a small smile and Dean leaned closer into him as if to tell him something utterly precious"I'd tell you something man if my brother was going through anything like this I wouldn't be coping half as well as you are . So don't apologize to me about trying to help your baby sis and your niece ever Cas .Okay ?"
Wordlessly Castiel looked into 's eyes so full of affection for him ...no for Phaedra obviously and gave him a weak he felt a tug at his hand .
" Can we get McDonald's Uncle Cassie " Phaedra grinned up at him and he smiled back at her looking a pretty picture in her little red raincoat .He gave a over-exaggerated sigh as if he had been won round by one plead from her .
" Okay ...fine but we must keep it a secret from your Mummy or else she'll get angry at Uncle Cassie..okay? " he loudly whispered . Phaedra gave a very serious nod at Castiel as if she realised that they were now co-conspirators in their secret plan . Then with a look of pure stealth and determination she turned to .
"You have to promise not to tell my mummy either okay?"The shock on 's face was almost to much for Castiel to handle for a moment but biting his lip he managed to suppress the laugh rising in his throat.
"Okay Phaedra I promise not to tell your mummy but you have to do something for me ." Mr Winchester bargained playfully . Or maybe he was being serious . It seemed like he was .Phaedra nodded like a true business woman ."You have to draw me one of those lovely pictures you drew today in class".
Phaedra gave a smile so wide that for a moment Castiel was sure her face might of split in two.
"Deal " Phaedra squealed delighted in her abilities of she stuck out her pinky finger "So now we have to seal the deal with a pinky promise ." mulled this over as if this was some sort of important ritual for him and after his deliberation he muttered in a gruff voice
"Fine. Whatever you wish Mr Shurley " and bent down linking his pinky finger around Phaedra's .Castiel felt a rush of affection for both of them in his heart and theN stopped...Where did that come from? After giving them a good shake Phaedra still tinted red from being called Mrs. Shurley turned to Castiel and said impatiently
"Now it's ye're go". Castiel blanched for a moment but quickly recovered . He wasn't going to freak out for a second time in a row in front of Phaedra . She would realise that something was wrong and they couldn't have that. So he raised his pinky finger to and raised an eyebrow .
"Promise?" He asked softly not sure why this felt more that just a silly game he was playing with his niece. gave Castiel a soft ,puzzled smile. He probably thought Castiel was crazy.
"I promise "he coughed wrapping his pinky around Castiel's. Castiel pretended he didn't feel something that he could only equate to a hit of cocaine rush through not his veins but rather his stomach . He found himself peaking at from under his eyelashes . God he was beautiful .So beautiful and there he was shaking as he touch him like a fucking creep . He saw eyebrows furrow together in confusion at Castiel's shaking and so Castiel quickly unraveled his pinky from 's and retreated that hand back into his hoody pocket.
"Okay Phaedra lets leave to it . We kept him long enough " Castiel muttered more to himself than anyone else and grabbed Phaedra hand with his free one, knowing that he looked back at it would be extremely hard to look away again. Rushing him and Phaedra forward they almost made it out the door before voice brought them back again.
"Wait-a second Cas" blurted out before looking down at his feet shyly .God he was so adorable was all Castiel could think . So like a fish he looked at mouth a gaped and almost whispered
"Yes?". just looked at him for a while giving him a searing look that almost felt like the message itself.
"You know your welcome in classroom anytime don't you ? " said with a small understanding nod. All Castiel could do was give him a little smile back because he felt like if he talked he would turned again painfully slow not wanting to not look at .
So it was a good thing he called him again.
" Eeeemmm...one more thing Cas " . This time Castiel turned so fast that he had to check down on Phaedra to make sure she didn't have whiplash. She was fine for now.
" Yes ?" He asked a bit more playfully this time the knot in his stomach not feeling so bad since seemed to forgotten about his shaky hands.
"You can call me Dean , if you like to , just in case we bump into one and other again or..." he trailed off embarrassed and gave the back of his neck a small scratch .
"Yes ! "Castiel blurted out " I mean I'd like to call you Dean ...because Dean is your name and I ..." He suddenly let out a hysterical laugh . Dean must of thought he was crazy. Maybe he was "...I should go " he picked up from his last sentence . Giving Dean one last smile and taking in the gorgeousness of him he turned and finally left the classroom with Phaedra in tow.
As they strolled through the silver halls towards the exit of the school he willed himself to forget about Dean Winchester.
"Uncle Cassie? "Phaedra asked with that kind of curiosity that only kids could muster up.
"Yes love " Castiel answered letting go of her hand as they exited the school to get his car keys from his back pocket.
"Can I call , Dean now ?" Phaedra asked giving him a wide-eyed innocent look.
This look was turned into a puzzled one as she watched Castiel laugh so hard that he started to cry and wheeze like he was a 30 year smoker.
"B-b-best not love " he let out a small sigh suddenly feeling bittersweet as he looked at Phaedra. Meeting Dean had brought on a giddiness he had not felt ...in well a he was honest he maybe even longer . But then as he looked down at Phaedra he felt a sudden sickness in his stomach at what lied ahead for them. And he wanted to say something . Something she could look back on and know that he as trying to tell her that he cared . But nothing sprung to mind . So he gave her a pat on the head and muttered softly
"Best not to love ."