A/N: Hi all, this is based on ToboeLoneWolf's awesome fic the Redwall Defense Guide, and created with his permission. Enjoy!

Chapter One: the Introduction to the Guide

So here you are, the leader/chief/king/queen/emperor/empress/master/lady/captain/ of a vermin horde/army/fleet/guard, sitting/standing/lying in your tent/palace/fortress/castle/mansion/captain's chambers, wondering how you will conquer/infiltrate/destroy/get treasure or X object, from Redwall Abbey. You've heard the stories/legends/traveler's tales of treasure/magic swords/beautiful tapestries/easy-to-kill defenders (but for some reason have never heard of how all the would-be conquerors/rulers/attackers were killed/destroyed/defeated by the Abbey Warrior/Badger Lord/other Big Good Guy and his/her army/Long Patrol/group of fighters/slave reinforcements) and want to give conquering/infiltrating/destroying/getting treasure or X object from the Abbey a try However, truth be told, you simply don't have a plan. At the moment, these two plans are your options.

Plan A, the stupid plan, is the one most vermin choose: You can go to Redwall, walk up to the gates (sometime long ago you would actually be let IN the gates, but not anymore) and pronounce your name, your titles, and your intention to conquer/infiltrate/destroy/get treasure, or X object, from the Abbey. Usually, the Redwallers will say, "We will never give you X!" or, in most cases, "We don't have X." You will assume they are lying, a fatal flaw, or assume they are right, in which case they will be bluffing. After much yelling and threatening, a Plucky Abbey Friar Cook Beast™ will leap up and throw either a beet or rotten vegetable at you, precipitating a rain of arrows and slingstones upon your head. After your little success story, the Redwallers will be more alert and your attacks will not be as effective. Then the plot goes on as usual – you attack, they defend, they cheer and have a party, you attack, they defend, they cheer and have a party, you attack, they defend, they cheer and have a party, and so on and so forth until the Abbey Champion/Badger Lord/other Big Good Guy and his/her army/Long Patrol/group of fighters/slave reinforcements comes and slays you all. Not a good plan, eh?

However, Plan B, the smart plan, goes like this: before you do anything stupid, read this guide first. It helps to not only keep it on paper, but to stow many different copies all over the place, and memorize some of the more important parts. Hopefully, you can read, right? I mean, that's what a true Vermin Commander should learn. Oh, well. If you can't read, then get someone to tell you what the little words say. Otherwise – you're dead.

This guide outlines many helpful tips, like how to train your army well, how to recognize and stop your fatal flaws (like insanity or idiocy) and most importantly, The Way to Slay an Abbey Warrior. (Once I write those chapters, of course.) It will help you, direct you in your attacks, but it is merely a guide. Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT follow every plan in this book to the very word! Add your own touch. Twist it deviously. Because, chances are, those tricky woodlanders will have their paws on this book in a second. That's because they have the power of Good and Righteous Justice on their side – but you have this guide.

Now, what have we learned today, my wonderfully stupid little vermin?

It is smart to do what the book says and stupid to do your own little idiotic vermin thing that your idiotic vermin minds probably cooked up on a gallon of rum.

Thank you. Enjoy the book.

Juniper, pine marten and official Recorder of Vermin Idiocy