Jade Chan and a Horrible Mistake

by Luna Bass

Jade accidentally douses herself in a love potion – causing unrelated men to fall in love with her at random just by smelling her now permanent perfume. Matters get complicated when Tarakudo and his generals escape from their mask prison via the hands of a very clumsy newbie. DISCONTINUED PERMANENTLY

1. Chapter 1

Hi guys. This idea came to me when I noticed that JCA is missing one of the usual tropes of cartoon shows – the main female character gets a bunch of guys falling in love with her because of some love potion thingy gag. While Jade was too young in the series for that to happen to her and have it still be (somewhat) appropriate, in this fic she'll be a teenager. Mind you, this won't contain any kissing, sex, or actual slash aside from some flowery one-sided wooing for your entertainment so you can see a bunch of villains and normally serious characters acting like utter fools. The reason I'm rating this Teen is for the language and some references. I will now repeat: THIS CONTAINS NO ACTUAL SLASH. THIS WORK IS PURELY HUMOROUS IN INTENT. I will put a disclaimer saying this or something like it in the beginning of every chapter if I have to.

Enjoy the show!

#$%^&*

Chapter One: The Horrible, Terrible Crush and the Love Perfume. Or, the Dreadful Mistake.

Jade sighed.

Why did she have to have a crush on Drew, of all people?

Seriously?! Hormones, why?!

These were the thoughts running through Jade's head as she walked down the streets of Chinatown, San Francisco. (And everyone said racial segregation had been abolished.) Mindlessly, Jade wandered into a used bookstore. If she'd been paying attention, she would have turned around and gone right back out – she'd long since learned that books were the dullest thing on Earth. But when she realized where she was, it was only to spot the title of a slim, pink volume of at about eye height on one of the shelves.

Now, normally Jade wouldn't touch anything that was so pink as this book was with a ten foot cattle prod, but the title was this: The Quick an' Easy Book of Chi Spells for Girls! and Jade couldn't resist at least a look. Even if it was nauseatingly girly. So, cringing like it was made of slime, Jade picked up the edge of the book with her thumb and forefinger and pulled it out.

Cautiously, she opened it, and to her relief it was in English. She didn't think she could stand it if another spell book she opened was in some long-lost gibberish dialect of her home language – that would be exhausting. The page it opened to was labeled: Love Goddess; Perfume to Make Your Crush Adore You.

Jade's heart skipped a beat, and she bought the book without a second thought.

When she reached home, she barely said hello to Jackie as she ran up to her room, book clutched tightly to her chest. Drew would be hers!

#$%^&*

That night, Jade, cautious and silent, snuck downstairs to Tohru's workshop. Uncle would kill her if he caught her in his own workshop, but her best friend probably wouldn't mind her borrowing some ingredients and equipment. Glancing around to make sure no one was up and walking about, Jade opened to book to the page containing the spell:

This is a spell you can cast on yourself to make all the boys fall for you, ladies! Upon sniffing your fabulous new perfume, they'll fall in love with you instantly and forever. If you want to make one boy in particular fall for you, you can – I've put in extra instructions for that. But gurl, if you want to be a true Love Goddess, you got to reel 'em all in at once! Just my advice.

Now, this chi spell won't work on family members – if it did, eww. All male family members are 100% not included in the enchantment of attraction you'll be casting. I'm pretty sure that extends as far as seventh cousins, across all generations. I'm talking blood relatives here – if you're adopted, you're screwed. Hopefully not literally.

This is a spell to specifically reel in boys, not girls. If you're a guy trying to reel in guys – well, good luck with that, I'm not sure how that'll work out.

First, you'll need a mortar to pound stuff in, a strainer, a porcelain bowl, and something to soak up a liquid with and reapply it. For ingredients, you'll need nine lotus petals, six rose petals, hair of ewe, a drop of nectar from a peach blossom, one measure of honey, a handful of cloves, a pinch of cinnamon, and some extract of cherry juice for extra luck if you want to boost the spell's power. (If you're aiming for a particular boy, you'll also want some of his hair)

Now, have you got all the ingredients? No? Go get them first, then read the rest of this. Got 'em? Good. Now, take the lotus petals and rose petals and put them in the mortar, and grind them until you can't tell them apart anymore. Once that's done, add the drop of nectar to it, and grind some more. Then use the strainer to get all the juice out of the mixture and put the juice in the porcelain bowl. Next, add the measure of the honey to the bowl, and carefully stir until the flower juices are thoroughly mixed with the honey. Now you grind the cloves up with the cinnamon in the mortar, and dust it into the mixture in the bowl. Add the hair of ewe at this point, and the cherry juice extract if you're using it. Then you mix it all up with a wooden spoon; that's important at this stage. What kind of wood doesn't matter. (If you're trying to attract one boy, put the hair in the mortar with the cloves and cinnamon and grind it up as best you can before adding it)

Now for the most crucial part. You've prepared the spell – its time for you to cast it. You take your absorbing material (I prefer to use a sponge) and dip it in the mixture. Lap up as much of it as you can. Then dab it wherever on your body, just like you'd put on perfume – wrists, neck, arms, etc. Once you've done that, put your hands together and start the incantation:

Ta Nu Na Ku Mai Na Hei

Ka Zu La Kai

Mo Na To Hei No Ki Ki

Ka Zu La Kai

When stuff on your skin stops glowing, you know you've cast it successfully. Remember to clean up your mess! On a side note, if you're drawing in that one special boy, you have to say it like this:

To Na Nu Ki Mai Nu Hei

Kai Zu La Ka

Mai Nu Ta Hei Nu Ku Ku

Kai Zu La Ka

Jade carefully gathered some of Tohru's equipment – mortar and pestle, strainer, porcelain bowl, and a cloth, since she couldn't find a sponge. Looking at the directions as best she could while she worked, she squinted as she ground together the rose and lotus petals. Could she still tell them apart? It was dark; meh, they were probably fine. Jade added the drop of peach nectar. She kept following the instructions, until she got the part about the honey. A measure? How much was a measure? Jade decided to put in a tablespoon.

After grinding the cinnamon and cloves, she felt as though she had forgotten something, but couldn't quite put her finger on it. Jade shrugged and moved on with the instructions. She pondered the wisdom of adding extract of cherry juice. And if so, how much? Jade picked up the full vial, staring thoughtfully in consideration. She shrugged and poured half of it in, and mixed it well. Then, realizing that she had almost forgotten the hair of ewe, tossed it in and mixed it up as well with the plastic spoon she was using for this purpose.

It was almost ready! Jade was filled with a nervous excitement. Then a flicker of suspicion ran through her. Surely it couldn't be this easy?

Nah, sure it could. Said a part of Jade that had never been affected by the years she'd spent dealing with magic. Think of Drew! To have him by your side is worth the risk. Said the reckless, desperate part of her that was in denial about Drew's status as an asshole. It's a spell! Just cast it already! Said the magic-happy maniac that Jade sometimes became.

She would up listening to the latter two. Dabbing the cloth in the oily, sticky mixture, Jade put the perfume on her wrists, forearms, her neck and the top part of her chest, even behind her ears. There was still plenty left over. Jade smiled, pleased with herself. She put her hands together, and began chanting what she remembered from the book:

To Na Nu Ki Mai Nu Hei

Ka Zu La Kai

Mai Nu Ta Hei Nu Ku Ku

Ka Zu La Kai

The ointment glowed green as she chanted, then white, then red, then purple and blue. It finally ceased to glow when she finished, and the ointment on her skin was nowhere to be found. Jade grinned happily, and quickly and efficiently cleaned up her mess with the experience of a master deceiver. She went back to her bedroom, trying to keep from whooping with joy. Drew would finally be hers!

#$%^&*

"JAAAAAAAAAAADE!"

Jade groaned and made her way downstairs, barely awake. Uncle stood at the bottom, looking terribly fearsome for an old man.

"Jade! What foolish spell did you cast in Tohru's workroom?!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't try to play the fool with Uncle! Room reeks of cherry juice and cinnamooooon! What did niece do this time?!"

"Nothing!" Jade said defensively. She tried her very best to keep from blushing. She didn't want her family to know about her crush on Drew. At least, until he was her boyfriend.

Uncle looked suspiciously at her. "Very well. Get ready for school, then." Jade turned to go back into her room. "One more thing! If something straaaaange happens today, Uncle will know it is yooooooouuuuuuur fault!"

Jade rolled her eyes as she went back in, and got dressed for the day. Of course nothing weird would happen. Just that Drew would magically fall in love with her. Right?

The moment she walked out the door, Jade got a prickly, shivery feeling that felt suspiciously like what Tohru and Uncle described as "the willies."

#$%^&*

Jade was feeling uneasy about how some of the boys (and some of the male teachers) were staring at her. Once they seemed to get within five yards of her, about half the males she encountered that day started looking at her funny. She'd actively sought out Drew, but it turned out the he was sick today. Damn.

Still, it was strange. And unsettling. Jade spent the rest of the day at her high school with strange feeling that she was always being watched. Strangely enough, this feeling continued as she walked home, and she saw a lot more familiar faces on the way there than she usually did.

It was when some random guy she didn't know (who had to be in college, honestly) walked up to her and asked her out on a date that Jade figured out what was going on. She ran home squeaking, even though it was beneath her dignity (screaming would have caused a scene), with rumbling horde of teenage boys coming after her.

Jade barely managed to duck through the alley to lose them before she took to the rooftops. (Thank God for kung fu training.) When she finally reached the shop, she dashed inside, slamming the door behind her. "UNCLE JAAAAACKIIIIIIIIIE!"

#$%^&*

Jade was sitting on the kitchen table, looking thoroughly cowed. Tohru, being properly warned beforehand, had plugged his nose. Uncle had poked and prodded her all over, before finally asking to see the recipe Jade had used. Jade had given him the book, and Uncle had asked her while he thumbed through it looking for the spell if she had deviated in any way from the instructions.

Jade thought for a moment, then turned white as a sheet. "I think I might have. Oh shit!" Before Jackie could scold her for her bad language, she added, "I forgot to follow the extra instructions for getting only one guy! I should've gotten his hair first. Plus, it was dark when I did the spell – I could've messed all kinds of things up and not even know!"

THWACK! "Ow!"

"Niece will calm down now! Now then, Jade, I will read through the instructions – you will tell me if you did anything differently." Uncle looked down at the book in front of him. "AIIIIIIIAAAAH! Recipe was written by four year old! Written like cookbook, and no heating fire or garlic is required! It is like the chi witch who wrote this had no concept of how chi magic works at all!"

Jade grew steadily paler.

"Let us see if you really followed this fooooooooolish reci-pe, shall we? Now, did you or did you not grind six rose petals and nine lotus petals together into paaaaaaaste?"

Jade shifted uncomfortably. This was starting to feel like an interrogation. "Yeah, but I don't know if I ground them into a paste, exactly – they were sort of powdery -"

THWACK!

"Ow!"

"Niece is foolish! Plant material must always be ground into a paste! One more thing! Chi witch writer is foolish for not mentioning thiiiiiiiiiiiiiis!" Uncle looked down at the page again. "Did you add one drop of peach nectar?"

"Yes."

"And did you strain the juice into the porcelain bowl?"

"Yeah."

"And did you add -" Uncle looked at it again. "AIIIIIIIAAAAAH! Measure of honey! Not specific at all! How much did you use, Jade?"

"A tablespoon?"

"AIIIIIAAAAH!"

"What is it, Uncle?" This from Jackie, looking concerned.

"Never mind! Honey not important. Did Jade use hair of ewe?"

"Well, yeah. I kind of remembered you once saying that every chi spell needs it..."

"Good thing you remembered. Now if only niece had forgotten before making this mistaaaaaaaake! Did you use a wooden spoon?"

"No," Jade said meekly. "I used a plastic one."

THWACK! Jade bite back her complaint this time – she knew she deserved it. "Idiot child! Instructions said it was important! Can't you follow even the instructions of an imbecile?!"

Jade just gloomily massaged her forehead as Uncle continued. "Did you use extract of cherry juice?"

"Yeah."

"How much extract?"

"Uh...half the vial..."

"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Jade has doomed herself! Do you understand what you have done?! Your spell is now ten times as powerful as it would have been!"

"WHAT?!" This came from all three other people in the room. THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!

"Not important right now! What did you chant?"

"Um, it went something like...To Na Nu Ki Mai Nu Hei, Ka Zu La Kai, Mai Nu Ta Hei Nu Ku Ku,Ka Zu La Kai."

Uncle went deathly silent.

The rest of the Chans waited nervously for his diagnosis.

Uncle calmly adjusted his glasses. "Uncle...must do research. I shouldn't take long. Jackie, call Captain Black, tell him to plug his nose and get a containment cell for Jade until I can find a cure for this." And with that, he vanished into his library, and Jackie resignedly dialed Captain Black's number as Jade nervously chewed her hair.

This was definitely not her best idea ever.

#$%^&*

Agent Sully Booth nervously walked into the warehouse. It belonged to Section Thirteen – it housed some of the magical artifacts that the secret agency had collected over the years. While the vault was being updated and refurbished (it had been proved inadequate, yet again, by the Security Maintenance Test, codenamed Jade, though Sully didn't know why) one of the more top-secret artifacts had been moved there. It was all right to bring it back now, and that was exactly what Sully had been assigned to do.

Sully Booth was feeling terribly anxious. He was a newbie, fresh from training and wet behind the ears – he'd only learned that magic existed a few weeks ago. He was little scared that whatever artifact he was supposed to be fetching was the drive-you-insane-with-one-look-Cthulu-style artifact. He hoped very much that it wasn't something worse, either.

There it was. The small box, wrapped in chains, clearly marked Oni: DO NOT BREAK. Whatever Oni meant. Hands shaking, Sully picked up the box and held it like it was bomb about to go off any second. He made his way out of the warehouse, wondering why he was getting such a strange, prickling, shivering sensation.

#$%^&*

Jade, Jackie, Tohru and Captain Black all perked up as Uncle entered the room, escorted by a female agent.

"Uncle now knows more about Jade's condition!" Uncle declared, and proceeded to tell them of it.

"It seems to me that Jade has used a combination of three different spells. I will not tell more about this, as Tohru will be the only one who could understand me. But I know a few things that are definitely true. Relatives are unaffected by the spell – that has not changed. Not all men will fall in love with Jade when they smell the perfume, but if they do, they will never fall out of love with her until the spell on her is broken."

"And is there a cure?" Jade asked anxiously.

Uncle adjusted his glasses. "Uncle is working on that. One more thing!" THWACK!

"Ow! Uncle, what was that for?" Jackie had taken the hit this time.

"Did Uncle tell you to put Jade in containment cell? Yeeeeees? Then do it! Filter the air inside it! Perfume could spread its scent to the outside!"

#$%^&*

Sully had finally gotten himself under control. Nothing bad had happened so far. It was all good. He was just heading towards the vault, almost completing his task, when he ran into Captain Black on one of the catwalks, along with an old man, a sumo, some guy and -

….The most gorgeous girl Sully had ever seen. His eyes bugged out, and his jaw went slack as he couldn't help but stare at the magnificent jet-haired beauty before him.

Black groaned. "Oh, great. I knew we should've issued a warning."

Jade privately agreed. As much as she hated being treated like hazardous waste material, having guys falling for you all over the place was turning out to be kind of embarrassing, not to mention it was seriously freaking her out.

The box Sully was holding slipped from his hands as he leaned against the railing to steady himself – and it fell all the way to the ground below, smashing into pieces. A thick black smoke rose from the pieces of the box.

Black swore as ten figures started to take form below them. "What the hell was that?"

Sully stammered. "Uh, um, it said Oni -"

"Fucking shit," Jackie moaned. Tohru started shivering.

Jade glared at the agent (who withered beneath her hostile gaze) who had broken one of the most dangerous items they had ever encountered. "Nice job, butterfingers."

#$%^&*

I'm going to be evil and leave this at a cliffhanger. Muahaha! Hope it's well received, and please review at tell me what's wrong if you don't think its funny enough!