Numbness.

You don't feel anything. You stopped feeling when you fell down. You haven't gotten up. You haven't caught your breath. There are numerous tracks of tears running down your face. It's a chilly night. The tear tracks cause your face to get cold, but you don't do anything about it. You can't feel your legs anymore; you've been on your knees for too long. You don't feel your fingers either. You feel nothing.

You should feel something. The numbness shouldn't reach to your core. You should feel something. Instead you feel nothing. No emotion, no suffering, no need. You don't have any needs. Your sorrow had been let go into the night. The screams of absolute pain you let out, the sobs; you've exhausted yourself. You've exhausted your emotions. They've drained from your body completely. Not only sorrow and pain, but any joy or happiness is gone.

You don't have any feelings now. You can't even will your brain to work. There is no will in you anymore.

Darkness.

You can't see anything other than what's in front of you. It's not that there isn't any light coming from the sky. The darkness has consumed you. You don't feel light. If it were a choice, you'd never want to see the sun again. Darkness has invaded your soul. You feel numb in the dark. It's where you want to be. It's where you need to be.

The darkness chills you to the bone. Darkness and sadness, the two brothers have found a way to switch within your heart. The places filled with despair and sorrow are filled with darkness now. The numbness plays it's role and the feelings are gone. You'd be grateful for that if you could. You wanted all the sorrow to go away and now it has.

Pain

There's blood lining your hands. The pain draws you back into the land of the living. The tingling in your hands is the only thing that reminds you that you're alive. Your throat is raw from screaming. Your eyes burn in their sockets from the tears that you've cried. There aren't any more tears though. All that's left of you is on the ground. You should be embarrassed at how you look, but you're not.

You've tripped and ended up on the ground. You aren't sure where you are, but you don't care. All you can see is your hands. You see the dirt around you, but it doesn't matter. You can see your sleeves and acorns and there's this little button on your sleeve. You hate the button. There isn't a purpose for it. There isn't a purpose for you anymore either.

If this was the last thing you ever saw, you could handle that.

You're done.

You've had enough.

The universe has won. You're finished. Spencer Hastings doesn't exist now. All the effort, all the trying was done in vain. It's over now. You know you'll never be able to recover from any of this. You're broken. All the times that you've tried to glue yourself together, the breaks have come back and you've fallen apart.

Not even the most skilled hands would be able to put you back together.

Mona has finally won.

You're done.

You don't want to even get back up again. If you stand up, you'd be trying. You're done trying. You wish you could be done breathing, but you can't. Instead, the oxygen forces itself into your lungs and you curse yourself for breathing. You curse yourself for hyperventilating. It doesn't matter. You're not weak anymore; you're not strong. You're nothing. You want to become nothing.

You don't even feel like you anymore.

You wish your friends were here with you. The longer you are on the floor of the forest alone, the more of you dies. You wish your friends were there to pick you up. To tell you who you were. But you're alone. You're all alone and every single bit of Spencer Hastings that had been hanging on leaves as the night goes on.

You're not even you anymore.

This isn't who you are.

Who you are is dead.

You don't know yourself anymore.

So when the park ranger asks you who you are in the morning, you aren't lying.

You don't have any idea who you are.

The last bit of you slips away as you whimper Toby's name and cry in the jeep.

You're tired.

You're done.

You're gone.

"You were never the weak link, Emily. Spencer was."

The burden hadn't been lifted from Emily's chest once they found out where Spencer was. Instead, it only made Emily worry more. It could have just been Spencer going away to relax. She could have been at her cabin trying to recover, but now Emily knew that she was in Radley. The place wasn't safe. It was where Mona had went and came back even crazier than before. Spencer wasn't safe. No matter how many times Dr. Sullivan or her parents could tell her it was the safest space for Spencer, Emily knew that it wasn't. How could it be safe when none of her friends could see her? When Emily couldn't see her. How was that safe at all? Spencer was left in there with people who didn't know her. None of them knew everything they had been through. They had been tortured and manipulated. If anything, Spencer had been one of the worst effected by "A" and everything that had happened.

Even after she went with the other girls to see Spencer, Emily didn't feel any better. It wasn't only the walls at Radley that were keeping Spencer away from them; it was Spencer herself. Emily knew Spencer. She knew that it had been too much for all of them to visit Spencer at once. It was the main reason that Emily had decided to go back alone to see Spencer.

Emily wished that they could have this conversation someplace other than the white walls of Radley. She would have made coffee and they could have been by the fire in Spencer's house or in Emily's bedroom. It could have been peaceful and private. But this was as good as it was going to get. She didn't have a choice to change the setting. She needed to talk to Spencer and this was the only place to do it.

Spencer was sitting at the piano when Emily returned that evening. Emily could see her fingers slowly, deliberately pressing down on keys. Emily never knew that Spencer could play the piano. It didn't surprise her though. It seemed like Spencer could do everything.

"Spencer, there's someone—"

"I don't want to see anyone else," Spencer said in a tired voice without even turning around to meet the gaze of the nurse. Just a few days ago, Spencer had been full of anger and hurt, but now it seemed like all the emotion had been drawn away from her body. Left in the wake was just a tired soul.

"Spencer, it's just me," Emily spoke quietly. She could see Spencer's chest heave down slightly as she heard Emily's voice. Her body relaxed slightly before she turned around for a moment to glance at Emily. Emily took that as a cue to sit down beside the girl.

"What, the girls didn't want to come see me again?" Spencer asked. She had obviously tried to make it sound sarcastic and rude, but it didn't come out that way. No matter how harsh she wished she could be, Spencer just didn't have it in her anymore.

"You don't need to do that. It's just me," Emily repeated in a calm voice. She wouldn't comfort Spencer yet, because she knew the other girl would just take it as coddling and it would embarrass her further.

No words came from Spencer. Her fingers stayed lightly laid against the old piano keys. There was no music or noise from the other girl, just a silence that filled Emily with sadness.

"They found another body. They think… They think its Toby."

Spencer didn't even flinch hearing the news. Instead she shrunk down more like a weight had been lifted off of her. It reminded Emily of a small animal once they know it's over and they just give up. It's like all the life leaves their body while their heart is still beating. It terrified Emily knowing that Spencer was giving up. Spencer hadn't said a word since. The silence was tearing into Emily and the tears were in her eyes.

"They found your purse by it. The police… they won't know for sure for a-"

"It's Toby."

Emily wouldn't argue with Spencer. The other girls were convinced that Toby wasn't dead and Spencer had gone crazy. The latter might have been true, but it had to be because Toby was dead. Emily knew what it felt like to lose someone.

Death.

Emily knew what it meant to lose someone that you loved. Even after betrayal, the pain didn't diminish. It just amplified the pain knowing that things ended in such a horrible spot, to know that you never got to say "I love you" one last time. It was terrible seeing Spencer so broken. It was like the other girl had died with Toby. Emily had never seen anyone look so far gone. Even after she had lost Maya, Emily knew she had never looked like this. Emily never got a break from hurting. It was a constant burning pain that had rolled constantly through her body. Emily had wished to turn off the pain during the first few months. She had wished to stop feeling. But looking at Spencer now… she knew that turning the switch wasn't the answer. It wasn't helpful at all. It just delayed the process. It made it all more miserable.

"I miss you."

"Don't," Spencer spoke with such a sadness that it was hard for Emily not to want to well up with tears. "Don't miss me. Just leave me in here. Forget about this all. Just go back and focus on Aria and Hanna and school…"

"None of them are you, Spencer." It was just the simple fact. No matter how much time she could spend with any of them, none of them filled the void left in Spencer's absence. "I can't watch you like this."

"Watch me what? Not be Spencer Hastings anymore? Because clearly that's not working out for me."

"I'm not me, Emily. I'm not the girl you know. You don't know me. Not anymore."

It wasn't the words that took Emily by surprise, but the feel behind them. Her own feelings towards the words took her by surprise. Many different emotions rose within her, but none of them greater than absolute sorrow for the other girl. Emily had a strong urge to protect the other girl not from other people anymore, but from herself.

"You're wrong," Emily said. It was impossible for her to stop her eyes from filling up with tears. She wished that Spencer could see inside of her heart. See how much absolutely the statement wasn't true. That she could see that Emily wanted to be there for her.

It wasn't even that anymore. Emily needed to be there for her. Spencer wanted to push everyone away, but Emily wasn't going to let that happen. Spencer had always been there for her. Emily wouldn't forget how it was Spencer who held her through the night when she found out Maya had died. She wouldn't forget that it was Spencer who encouraged her to go do something for the summer. It was Spencer that kept writing her and calling her through the summer. The other girl was crazy busy with school, but Spencer had made time to make sure Emily was still alive, still breathing. And that was one of the things that had gotten her through that summer.

"Spence."

There was only a slight turn in Spencer's body and Emily could tell that the other girl was beginning to crack. The emotions were starting to surface again. Emily could see it. "I miss you."

You can't cry.

If you cry, you won't stop for at least an hour. Ever since you came to Radley, they've been trying to put you back together. You hadn't been anyone for a couple of hours, but then Dr. Sullivan saw you. She knew who you were. You didn't get a choice. You were Spencer Hastings again.

The pressure had been gone. You had been just another girl. You could be anyone.

If you weren't Spencer, then you didn't have to think about anything that had happened.

If you weren't Spencer, then maybe Toby wasn't dead.

But you were.

There was nobody else who wanted to be you. Nobody else stepped up to the position. Instead, it was you that was stuck with the burden of knowing that Toby had died because of you.

So you lashed out, at the different doctors, at Melissa, even at Dr. Sullivan who was trying to help you. You knew what you had seen. Toby was dead. Everyone tried to tell you that he wasn't dead. That you had been seeing things in the forest. You knew that they were wrong. Toby was dead. A must have hidden the body. You weren't seeing things. It was true; he was dead. Someone had to believe you.

You wanted to see the other girls at first, but it became one of the last things you wanted to do.

The other people here… they understood. They didn't know you as Spencer Hastings. They knew you as Spencer. They didn't know you as strong. It was freeing. You didn't have to be strong.

How do you keep going when the worst thing has happened?

She wasn't the girl they knew anymore. She was different. Nobody knew her anymore. She didn't even know herself.

It was true.

If you saw them, they'd ask questions and it would be real again. A would be threatening them and then threatening you. You had enough to deal with without them being there. They didn't know who you were anymore. They couldn't count on you.

You couldn't be there for them. It hurt, but it was the truth. Everything that you had done before for all of them, it seemed pointless now. After everything, bad things still happened. It didn't stop. It would never stop.

And now you were sitting here with Emily. You had been able to avoid the other girls as much as possible. It was too much seeing them. It was easy to just go hide in your room. It was harder to do the same with just Emily. Especially once she believed you.

Emily believed you.

You could see the pain in her eyes. You could see the belief that she had. It took a burden off your shoulders. You didn't have to have your guard up. You weren't crazy. Toby was dead.

It hits you again.

You wish you were back in the woods feeling nothing. Instead you feel everything. You can feel your body start to shake and you will it to stop. You want it to stop.

It doesn't matter that Emily is there. You don't care about being strong in front of her anymore. You've cried enough for your lifetime just in the past 24 hours.

But this time it's different. You knew what you saw, but now it was true. It was a relief, but the pain was stronger now. Toby wasn't coming back. IT wasn't a trick to make you go crazy. It wasn't a trick at all.

He was dead. And it was your fault.

Your shoulders began to shake as a sob made it's way up your diaphragm. Nothing would bring him back now. You couldn't even look at Emily. The pain wasn't limited to you. You remembered what she had said before. It stung within you as you thought about her friendship with Toby.

You didn't have a monopoly on pain.

But this was your fault. If you had stayed quiet, he wouldn't be dead.

Emily misses you and this is your entire fault. You make no move to cover your sobs or wipe your tears off your face. You're too tired to cry anymore, but your eyes don't know that.

"I'm sorry."

It's the first time you feel something other than sorrow for yourself.

You flinch and tense when you feel Emily's arms wrap around you. It isn't until she's hushing your sobs and rubbing your back that you relax into her arms. Your arms end up wrapped around her back.

It's the first time you've felt understood since you found the body.

It's the first time you've felt comforted.

You'll take all of it that you can get. You sink into Emily's arms and allow her to comfort you.

You don't deserve the comfort.

You don't.

A/N - this will be a 3-4 part series. it is inspired by dark paradise by lana del ray. toby is dead. mona never went to see spencer at radley. it has a different spin. will eventually be a spemily story.