Stars are home

You watch him as he walks past. Often in a hurry. Often with more things on his mind than you dare think about. Sometimes he notices you stare at him. But not once does he ever pick up on it.

It's the first month on board the Enterprise and not once has Dr McCoy kept his eyes open as he passes a window.

But one day when you're meant to be asleep in your quarters you catch him in the corridor.

"I have to go, Jim." And he runs off.

"Bones!" You call after him. He doesn't reply.

So you go to his quarters, override the door lock, and wait for him. You haven't been in his cabin before. You go to the bedside table. You pull open the drawer. And you almost pass out with shock. You slam the drawer shut and sit down on his bed and your put your head in your hands and you wonder. How could I not notice this? So you open the drawer again and pull out the box of razor blades and sleeping pills and you know. You just know.

And there he is. Standing in the door.

"Captain? Can I help you?"

"Sit down, Bones." You gesture to the space next to you. He obliges. Suddenly you are filled with shame and guilt and oh god why is he doing this to himself?

"Show me your wrists, Dr McCoy." Fear fills his eyes and he shakes his head. He pulls his hands close to him.

You get up off the bed and crouch in front of him on the floor. You take his hands in yours and slowly, carefully, you pull up the right sleeve of his shirt. You stare. And you grit your teeth. And you know he needs help. Because his arm looks like a battlefield. A civil war. With a predetermined victor. And Leonard McCoy, in all his helplessness, knows that he is the one who will lose. Or rather, the one to surrender.

"Why?" You say softly. You look up at him with tears in your eyes and all you can think of is how one day you could wake up and it would be his name at the top of the list of the deceased.

"Because I'm scared, James." Bones grips your hands.

"Of what?" You ask. Still with the hushed tone. You don't want to scare him.

"The stars, Jim. I don't like it. I hate it. This ship terrifies me. I don't want to have to wake up each morning and know that I will have to face my worst fear." You close your eyes. His very words hurt.

"But you're better than all of this." You nod at the scars. Some old. Some fresh. Some look like they are only a day old. Most are shallow. Scratches. But one or two chill you to the bone. Because they are deep enough to kill.

"Am I, Jim? Am I? Because the way I see it every waking second is a living nightmare. I don't want this. Any of this. I never did." There are tears falling down both of your faces now. Neither of you even try and hide them. Because you aren't ashamed of them.

"I'm gonna help you, Bones. It's gonna be okay. I'm gonna make it all okay. I can promise you that."

Bones looks at you with such innocence that you know it is your duty as his captain, no, his friend, to save him from all of this.

"Can I tell you something, Jim?"

"Anything."

"I was going to do it tonight." Your heart sinks. "I was going to commit suicide." You can't breathe. "I was going to take the whole bottle of sleeping pills." You can't see a thing." And then I was going to slit my wrists." Your legs give way and suddenly you're on the floor. Tears pouring down your face. Mind racing with all kind of thoughts.

You drag yourself up onto the bed and you stare into Bones' eyes for god knows how long. You're trying so hard not to think about how it would feel like to have Bones not show up for work the next day. How it would feel like to offer to find where he is and to have to break down the door of his cabin because he'd jammed it shut. How it would feel like to walk into his room and see him lying on his bed with his wrists like a warzone. How it would feel like to hold his blood stained body in your arms and shout and scream and cry because you knew you were too late.

"I'm sorry, Jim. I… I… I wasn't going to tell you because I didn't want you to worry. I wasn't going to tell anyone. I'm so sorry, James." He lets himself fall back onto the bed. He isn't crying anymore. And neither are you. You have both run out of tears. You lie down next to him.

"It's okay, Bones. I'm here now. I'm going to help you." You turn your head to look at him. He is staring up at the ceiling and you can only imagine the horrors that go through his mind every minute of every day.

You both lay there for a very long time. Hours. And finally you speak.

"I'm going to take you to the observation deck. C'mon." And you stand up and pull on his hands. He reluctantly sits up.

"You do know that that is the worst possible place you can take me. I haven't even been onto the bridge god dammit." He sighs but stands up.

"I know. I know. But it's going to be okay. I promise."

Bones rolls his eyes and follows you out of the room. There aren't many officers up at this time of night. Well, night. There is no difference in space.

You stop just before you go onto the observation deck. "Breathe, Bones. In… Out… In… Out." You can see the fear in his eyes. You take his hand in yours and you hold it tight. You look at each other and he nods. And you go in. His grip immediately tightens and you hear his sharp intake of breath.

It takes Bones a few minutes to relax, but when he does, he is sweating and he is still holding onto you. Of course, you don't mind. You're quite liking how close he is. But that isn't what you're worried about right now.

"Jim… Jim, I…" He stammers. Not getting the words out.

"It's okay, Bones." You smile.

"Jim, what do you see when you look into my eyes?"

"I see fear and danger. But I also see love and comfort. When I look into your eyes my dear, I see home."

He goes to say something but you place your finger on his mouth.

"Space is the only home I have ever had, Bones. Starfleet is everything to me. I was born to explore space. And I don't want to imagine a life where I don't get to do it. There isn't a day that goes past where I don't think about how the people I love most in the world die it will most likely be my fault. The only thing that scares me more than my crew dying and I surviving, is one of them dying for me. I came into this world under my fathers' debt. Do you think I could survive the guilt of that happening again? My father's sacrifice was wasted on me before I joined Starfleet. But now I want to make him proud. I have to. I was born in space, Bones. I was born on the USS Kelvin. And if I get my way I'm gonna have this ship for a long time. And I want to die on the USS Enterprise. It might have been coincidence that brought us both to that very shuttle on that very day. But there was something else, something bigger, that kept us together after we'd boarded the Enterprise. I see nothing worse, Bones, than to sail this universe without you. Pick a star, Dr McCoy. Any star. And we will go."

For the first time he looks out into the sky. He looks around for a bit and then he points to the biggest and brightest star in the sky.

"That one."

"Now, Bones, whenever you are scared or upset or worried, you can think of our star." And as soon as the words have left your mouth, he is kissing you. And he has no fears anymore. And Bones is never afraid of the stars again.

1 year later

"I am sorry, Dr McCoy." Spock is holding your lifeless body in his arms. "There was nothing I could do to save him. He is dead." He lays you on the table. Your eyes are closed when they should be open and you're not moving and you're not breathing and your entire body is full of the radiation that stopped your heart.

"Oh, Jim." Bones grabs onto your hand. But you can't feel it. He is telling you he loves you. But you can't hear him. Your crew is surrounding you. But you can't heal their pain. Bones is crying. But you can't stop his tears.

He can't even speak. He can't even breathe. Because he knows how much you sacrificed. You gave everything. You did it. All of it. You saved them. But you couldn't save yourself. You gave it all up to save them.

Bones stares at your body and he thinks about the star you once shared. And how it isn't both of your star anymore. It was only his.

Bones leans down next to your ear and whispers "James Tiberius Kirk, until the day I let you go, it will never be goodbye."

That night Bones goes to his cabin, jams the door shut, and takes the box out of the drawer. He lies on the bed and knows he has to be with you. So he takes the whole bottle of pills and watches as he makes the blade carve jagged holes into his wrists. And as he feels himself falling into endless white space he says silently to himself;

"I'm coming home to you, Jim. I still owe you that miracle."