The X-Follies
By Zero
Washington, DC
3:49 p.m.
"Agent Mulder, Agent Scully...I'm sorry to have to call you down on a Sunday, but this case is urgent. Thirty-five people have been killed within the last ten hours--" Skinner said, before he was abruptly cut off.
"Thirty-five people?! Autopsy *heaven*!!" Scully did the end zone dance around AD Skinner's office.
"Yes, Agent Scully, and the circumstances of their deaths are completely unexplained."
"Unexplained?! ALL RIGHT, aliens!!" Mulder grabbed Scully and tangoed her around the office. "Yay, aliens!"
"Yay, autopsies! Dead people!" Caught up in the celebration, Mulder and Scully didn't see Skinner leave the office. "Mulder, do you know what this means?! I get to put on those cute white robes and cut people open!"
"And I get to run around in the woods looking for aliens and get lost!" He tossed her up in the air, catching her and spinning her around. "Maybe it's the Great Mutato! Or those dinosaur-lookin' things we found down in Texas! Or maybe it's more BEES!" He set her down and slapped her a high-five!
"I hope the bodies are nice and decomposed! I like 'em yucky!"
"Freeze! Cut the crap or you're both gonna get it!" They turned to face Skinner, who was menacingly waving a garden hose.
"Mulder! DUCK!"
"Where?"
:*: Sploooosh! :*: "You asked for it, ya fuckin' Ritalin rats! Now, you are to be in Taos, New Mexico at 2100 hours, got it?"
"Sir," said Mulder, putting on his best straight face, "Did you say, Taos, New Mexico?"
"Affirmative, butthole, now get packin'."
"Scully...." Mulder turned to face his partner, looking deep into her eyes.
"Mulder...." Scully gazed at him with those big puppy-dog eyes and gave her alluring pout.
"Do you know what this means?", he asked softly.
A soft smile came across Mulder's face, and Scully couldn't help smiling herself. As if on cue, they screamed in unison, "CREEPY INDIAN VOODOOOO!!"
:*: Sploosh! :*: "You two are gonna send me to the crazyhouse! SCAT!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Santa Fe, NM
7:56 p.m.
"Nice rental car." Scully got in the passenger's seat of the Yugo, setting her briefcase on her lap.
"Do you ever get the feeling that somebody's out to make our lives miserable?" Mulder started the ignition, watching the family of birds fly out from under the hood. "It's the Man's fault. Down with the Man."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Espanola, NM
8:29 p.m.
"Come on, Mulder, pull over! I gotta pee! My eyes are yellow! My brain is floating! My ears are leaking! Pull over, dammit!" Scully jumped up and down in her seat, doing the pee-pee dance. "Mulderr...."
"Scully...I love it when you get angry with me."
"... ...?" Scully knew she needed to take action. Suddenly, her opportunity came. As they drove by the corner gas station, she screamed and pointed out the driver's side window! "Look, Mulder, a big scary ALIEN!" He stopped the car to take a better look. "See ya later, sucker!!" Scully ran into the gas station.
"Alien? Come on, I know Scully wouldn't lie to me..." He looked out the window, then in the mirror, then back at the gas station. "Hey, where's the alien?!"
Five minutes later, Scully proudly strutted out. "I feel ten pounds lighter!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Taos, NM
9:00 p.m.
"Hello, I'm Agent Fox Mulder, this is my partner, Dana Scully. We're from the FBI." Mulder reached out to shake the police chief's hand.
"Hey, motherfucker," Scully hissed, "how come I never get to say that?"
"'Cause you're a girl." Mulder stuck his tongue out at Scully.
"Nice to meet you, both of you," the chief said, "but before we continue the investigation...are either of you under the influence of any 'controlled substances'?" He put his hands on his hips and a cocky smirk on his face.
Mulder and Scully shook their heads in unison, touched their noses with each hand, and walked a straight line while saying the alphabet backwards, throwing in a double back handspring at the end. After their routine, Scully pulled Mulder aside.
"Mulder, why do they always ask us that?"
"Beats the hell outta me."
+++
"All RIGHT! Let's get crackin'!" Scully snapped on her latex gloves, and didn't notice Mulder drawing moustaches on all the bodies with a purple marker. "Let's see..." She cut a chunk out of the leg of one of the bodies. "...that's breakfast for me!" She lifted the sheet all the way, and (to her delight) found the body covered in black marks and holes. "Eeewww! Mulder, I dare you to touch it! ... Mulder?"
"Look at me, I'm a dead person!" Mulder unzipped a body bag *from the inside*, popping out and waving.
"Oh, good one!", she giggled.
"Scully...I love it when you laugh at my jokes."
She went to work, tossing intestines and chunks of skin all over the room, every once in a while saving a piece for herself. She stopped when she got to a tiny bag at the back of the morgue. "Mulder, this one was the most severe case of...whatever it was."
"How do you know?"
"Because the bag is marked, 'Gross. Do not touch.'" She slowly unzipped the zipper.
"Scully...I love it when you unzip it so slow."
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" She tossed the sheet off and ran to the other side of the morgue. The body, a little girl, was being eaten by big red worms that had burrowed into her flesh. She tiptoed back, carrying her little tape recorder and a can of Raid. With pure Scully-esque theatrics, she clicked the tape on. "It's about half-past-nasty with a forecast of projectile vomit..."
"Scully...I love it when you barf on me."
"Oh, now you're just makin' shit up!"
+++
"Hello, Ms. Gonzales…I understand you were a witness to the 'strange events' that happened last night," Scully said to the witness, an older woman sitting in her trailer home outside Taos Pueblo reservation.
"Yes I was."
"Was there lots of blood and guts and gore and brains falling out?" Scully poised herself to take notes like a good little agent.
"Yes."
"Was it cool?"
"Are you kidding? I haven't seen anything that cool since the Challenger exploded!"
+++
Mulder and Scully settled in to their motel rooms, right next door to each other, as usual. Scully took her briefcase over to Mulder's room to talk business. She knocked on the door.
"Who is it?"
"IT'S THE FUCKIN' POLICE, AGENT MULDER! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING IN THERE!"
"… …"
"DON'T MAKE ME GET THE BATTERING RAM!"
"… …" He still didn't answer.
"Mulder, it's just me, you sissy! Open the door."
"Ok…but you better not be bugged," he said. She walked in, doing that little hip-wiggle that drives him wild (just because she's a tease like that), then made herself comfortable on the bed. In Scully terms, that doesn't say much. Poor Mulder.
"So, Mulder, let's take a look at the evidence. So far, we know that big red worms have been eating people, it has something to do with Indian voodoo, and it's really cool." She took the witness reports, along with a pizza menu, a coloring book, a pair of panties, and a Game Boy, out of her briefcase. "The cause of death is unknown, which means that the aliens probably did it, and that means…
"That we get to go chase 'em?!"
"Yaaah!! SNIPE HUNT!!! Get your flashlight!" Scully packed her briefcase up and ran back to her room to get her autopsy kit.
+++
It was a dark and stormy night. The little Yugo putted up the winding mountain road to the creepiest part of the woods, by the ancient Indian burial ground…perfect place for alien-hunting. Mulder and Scully stepped out of the car, quietly shutting the doors behind them and tiptoeing away. Hearing a noise, Scully slowly turned around.
"Mulder…what was that noise…?"
Ka-BOOOOM!
*hisss…..* Suddenly, the car exploded, spewing flames into the sky!"Scully! Did you see that!? THAT WAS SWEEEEET!!"
"Aww, man, I wish we had instant replay! That was PHAT!" Scully pulled a bag of marshmallows out of her coat.
"Ok, gimme about five of 'em…marshmallow kabob!" He loaded up his twig and stuck it right into the fire. "Mmmm…smells like sweet, sweet gasoline…", he drooled.
"Hey, don't hog all the fire, butthole!" She knocked his twig away from the flaming engine so she could get some room.
"ZZzxCVEffooylyppl…" Suddenly, a little green man knocked Scully's twig out of the way with his phazer gun, which was covered in marshmallows.
"EEEEEKK! MULDER, AN ALIEN!!!" Scully jumped into Mulder's arms!
"Yes!", he said, catching her, "…I mean…AAAAAH! It's SCAAARRRYYY!!"
"QwwtivmnboiRRj.." The alien jumped into Scully's arms.
"AAAAHH!" Scully dropped the alien! "RUN!"
Mulder ran like hell, still carrying Scully and his marshmallows, up a twisting dirt path.
"Mulder, there's the kiva, we can hide in there!", Scully said, pointing to an adobe mound further up the mountain.
"Jesus, Scully, you're fat," he puffed.
"WHAT?!"
"MnmbnwnbooeScully…" The little alien ran after them, trying to jump up in Scully's arms again. Before he got the chance, Mulder and Scully jumped into the kiva.
+++
"Whoa, dude, look at how dirty and crappy everything is!" Mulder tiptoed around, looking at the piles and piles of human bodies.
"This…is…so…RAD!" Scully danced with glee, seeing all the rotting flesh.
"Ghgwlq.ztoowox.z.ScullyxXcrqptpzz…" The little alien jumped down the hole and ran right over to Scully. "Mama?"
"Aww, Mulder, he called me Mama! That is sooooo cute!"
"Mulder…Scully…" The sound of a million alien voices echoed around them. "JmzZeosppblelyooz..e…" They were surrounded by 8-foot-tall aliens! The alien chief, a blue alien with a feathered headdress, approached them and held out his four-fingered hands. "Welcome…to the Temple! We are sorry for killing all those people, but you see…we…kinda … signed a contract with Satan."
"Well, so did I, and the bastard hasn't paid up yet!", Mulder said, stomping his foot angrily, "fuckin' Devil can't do anything right!"
"Mulder, you signed a contract with the devil?" Scully cocked a brow, with the little alien imitating her almost exactly.
"Scully, when I got up this mornin' I had to ASS you a question…I need some ASS!"
*smack* Scully slapped Mulder across the face, much to the alien baby's amusement.
"Please?"
*smack* The little alien baby hopped up and slapped Mulder's face just like Scully!
"So, let me get this straight. Mulder, you signed a contract with the devil to get laid, and Mr. Alien Chief, you signed a contract with the devil to…"
"To go to Area 51."
"So you can find your families?"
"Naaa, we don't even like those guys! We just wanna TP their specimen tanks!"
+++
"Well, Mulder, it looks like everything turned out ok," Scully said, "The alien chief's lawyer talked with Satan's lawyer, and he cancelled the contract, so the aliens don't have to kill people anymore…we got out alive, and we weren't charged for the rental car…and little Junior is doing just fine!"
"Mama!" The little alien baby piped up from his crib, in Scully's living room.
"He is a cute one…" Mulder said, smiling in sappy admiration.
"Well, you know what they say…only a mother—and a psychotic repressed wierdo—could love that face."
+++
Fin.
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