A/N: Hope you enjoy this!
You Really Got A Hold On Me
It wasn't the first time she used True American to avoid an engagement. It was, however, the first time she did it for an engagement that was not her own. The loft was all back together for a Sunday night dinner. It all started out innocently enough. Nick made a surprisingly edible lasagna, while Schmidt and Cece brought a salad filled with ingredients that no one – particularly Schmidt – could pronounce.
"Let me know if anyone needs more pepitas," Schmidt said, putting the emphasis on the wrong syllable.
Nick shook his head and said, "We should have kept the douche jar."
Winston offered to bring food, which Aly smartly dissuaded him from and replaced with a nice bottle of red. Winston, never one to pass up an opportunity, outfitted the bottle with a custom-made Ferguson label, which explained why he and Aly were twenty minutes late.
"You should have seen the face he was giving," Winston enthused, pulling off his jacket. He tossed it on the couch and said, "Boy was in it to win it!"
"Sorry we were late," Aly told Jess, following her to the kitchen. "Winston said you really can't rush a cat in the middle of a shoot. I didn't want to agree with him, but Ferguson really hit his stride in the last five or six minutes."
"Don't worry about it," Jess said, taking the wine from her. She glanced down at the label. "Ferguson really does have soulful eyes."
"I've been telling you that for years," Winston said, appearing beside her. Jess picked up the corkscrew from the counter and began to open it when Nick rushed over and grabbed the bottle from her.
"Nope. We are not losing another bottle of wine because of your corkscrew skills."
"I'm not that bad," Jess argued.
"You're pretty bad," Reagan said, plucking a pepita from the salad bowl and popping it in her mouth. Behind Reagan, Jess saw Cece grasp Schmidt's arm tightly as he glared at the diminutive brunette for daring to besmirch his salad with her fingers.
"Watch a professional at work," Nick said, screwing the corkscrew deep into the cork. He pulled it out with a soft pop, waving it in front of her face like a magician.
"Very impressive Nick," Jess said, rolling her eyes. "Alright, let's eat."
The evening continued with the same level of normalcy. They finished off the bottle of wine, plus a second white. Winston showed pictures of Ferguson on his phone, shortly followed by his and Aly's wedding venue. Schmidt referenced his wife's breasts twice. And then Nick cleared his throat, clinking a knife on the side of his wine glass before saying, "Ugh, guys, I have a bit of an announcement to make. I know this is kind of sudden, but –"
"True American!" Jess said suddenly. "This is…a perfect time for True American!"
The table stared at her as if she had gone insane. And maybe she had. Just a little. She swallowed hard and then meekly cheered, "Great idea, Jess!"
ONE WEEK AGO
Jess walked out of her bedroom, anxious for her morning cup of coffee to wipe away the sleep still in her eyes from a late night of Netflix. She should have never let herself start watching British period dramas. She saw Reagan's washed dishes drying next to the sink, a sure sign that her roommate was already on her morning run. She could hear her other roommate in his room. He was talking to someone, or maybe to himself. It wasn't uncommon for Nick to engage in full conversations with himself when he was deep in writing.
Jess poured herself a mug of coffee and searched for her flavored creamer in the refrigerator when Nick walked out of his bedroom. She glanced back to give him a quick wave, but he wasn't paying attention to her. He was on the phone, and after a few seconds she knew he was on the phone with his mother.
"Ma, come on, just mail the damn thing. It's tiny. You can put it in an envelope with some tape."
She heard the strains of a female voice and then Nick quickly said, "I'm sorry for swearing, Ma. I know. You didn't raise me that way."
Jess smirked, her hand closing on the small bottle at the back of the refrigerator. She pulled it out and closed the door.
"So, you'll send me the ring?" Nick asked. Jess froze, her back turned to him. She held her breath, not knowing whether she wanted to hear the rest of this conversation. Nick was getting a ring. There were many explanations for this. Maybe it was a key ring. Or some long lost heirloom or something that Nick could pawn and they could finally buy name brand cereal.
"Thanks, Ma," Nick said, grin evident in his voice. "It means a lot. And I'll call Gran and thank her, too. Is Tuesday bingo day at the retirement place? I know better than to call during that bloodbath."
Jess' heart sank. There was only one way to construe the parts of the conversation that she was privy to, and it wasn't good. Nick was having his mom send him his grandmother's ring. It didn't take too much guessing to know who it was for.
As if on cue, the front door opened and Reagan returned from her run. Nick waved haphazardly before disappearing back into his room. Jess pressed her lips together as she watched his door slam shut.
"Hey, Jess. "
"Hi Reagan."
"What's going on?"
"Nothing," Jess said with unnecessary panic. "Nothing's going on. Everything's fine. What's going on with you?"
Reagan looked at her strangely. "Um, nothing. Just going to shower after my run."
Jess nodded. "That's smart and hygienic."
Reagan chuckled. "Yeah. I'll see you later."
Jess watched her disappear into Nick's room before picking up her phone and dialing Cece. Before Cece could say more than a quick hello, Jess said, "We have a situation."
She heard Cece inhale sharply before her friend said, "Alright, what are we dealing with here? Vegging on the couch? Ice cream sundaes?"
"I think it's a pet section at Alsip Nursery level situation."
"Oh my God. I'm leaving now."
Twenty minutes later, while feeding treats to a Goldendoodle puppy, Jess told Cece that Nick was going to propose to Reagan. Cece dropped a handful of treats in surprise, causing a barrage of nearby puppies in the play area to descend on them. As the puppies ate the treats and nipped at their heels, Jess admitted, "I still love him. Big time. What do I do?"
Nick looked at her strangely and said, "Uh, Jess. I was sort of in the middle of an announcement."
"It's a pre-celebration," she said hastily, feeling her head spin as she tried to wrap it around the colossal lie that she was currently crafting. "It's like a toast, but before the thing to toast happens. It's a pre-toast! Everyone's doing it now."
"Who's everyone?" Nick asked incredulously.
"Everyone," Jess said meekly, making a vague sweeping gesture with her hand.
"You just gesticulated towards air, Jessica," Schmidt said impatiently. "Why don't you just let –" he broke off suddenly as Cece imparted a swift kick to his shin. "Ow! What is wrong with you, woman?"
"I think it's a great idea," Cece said slowly, widening her eyes as she implored her husband to follow her lead. Nearly one year into the Parikh-Schmidt marriage, the look-lexicon was fairly well developed, and Schmidt nodded imperceptibly before saying, "It's a fantastic idea. A pre-toast. I can't believe I didn't come up with it! Brava, Jessica. Brava."
"I didn't come up with it," Jess said weakly. "Everyone's doing it, remember?"
"You're right," Schmidt said quickly. "Silly me. You know, I think I read an op-ed about Oprah doing them."
"Well, if it's good enough for that saint, it's good enough for me," Nick said, easily won over by the fake endorsement of a hometown hero. "Pre-toast!"
The loft fell into chaos as yet another game of True American began. The former roommates hopped on pieces of furniture as the floor turned into lava. They hopped around the room, Jess pointedly avoiding Nick and Reagan as she tried to figure out the actual point of her stalling. Nick still had his announcement. He still had his grandmother's ring.
At one point in the game, Jess and Cece were huddled together on an end table and Cece murmured, "Are you going to start a True American game every time he's about to announce it?"
"No," Jess said weakly.
"Are you going to ever actually just talk to him and tell him that you still love him?"
Jess panicked and instead of answering, yelled a president's name and jumped from the end table to a dishtowel that someone had thrown on the floor. She could feel Cece's disappointment behind her, but she carried on. Hurling herself toward whatever came next.
Jess lost track of the rules as the game went on. They seemed to change at every turn, and then somehow they were shouting numbers, and her and Nick both shouted seven. She couldn't remember why they were shouting, or what it was for, but it didn't matter much when Cece pushed them behind the "iron curtain", mouthing "talk to him" as she slid the door shut.
"I have to say, I'm a fan of the pre-toast," Nick slurred. "I didn't really get it at first. It seemed a bit weird, you know? Like you made it up on the spot or something. But, man. I love the pre-toast!"
Jess smiled weakly. "I'm glad."
"But anyway, I can't wait any longer. I – I gotta tell you my new Jess. It's – " he broke off, smiling wide. "It's really something. It's –"
"Nick, no –"
"I know it may seem sort of sudden. I can hardly believe it myself sometimes, but –"
"You can't marry Reagan!" Jess shouted.
Nick looked at her in confusion. "What? Where the hell did that come from?"
"I heard you on the phone with your mom. I know she's sending you the ring. Your grandmother's ring."
"Jess –"
"And I like Reagan. You know I do. But, I don't think you thought this through. You've only been together a few months. Don't you think you're rushing things a bit?"
"Not if it's right," Nick said, irritation pulling his mouth into a not-unfamiliar-frown. "And who are you to tell me if I'm going too fast? You fall in love with a guy five minutes after he says something nice to you."
"Hey, that's not fair."
"Reagan and I are good together," he pressed.
"I think you're rushing things."
"It's not really your place to decide that, is it? It's my life Jess. My life. I don't need your permission."
"Look, I care about you," Jess said, hedging dangerously close to the whole truth. "And, because I care about you, I can't just say quiet when I think you're making a mistake. I don't want to see you hurt."
Nick was quiet for a moment, and she could hear their friends mulling around behind the wall. Someone loudly said chug. It seemed they were having a nice time without them.
"I'm not proposing to Reagan," Nick said in a low voice.
Jess looked at him with wide eyes. "You're not? But, your big news –"
"I signed with a publisher this week," he said.
"You signed with a publisher? Nick, that's amazing."
"They read The Pepperwood Chronicles and liked it. They really liked it, actually. They signed me for a three book deal."
"Nick!" She grasped his arm tightly. "I am so happy for you."
"Naturally, I'm terrified and completely out of ideas."
Jess sighed contently and pulled him into a hug. "You are going to write three amazing, ass-kicking books, Nick Miller. I just know it."
"Is it exhausting to believe in me so much? Because it sounds exhausting."
She laughed lightly. "It's easy to believe in you, Nick. It's not something I really need to work at." She paused for a second and then asked, "Wait, what ring were you talking about before with your mom?"
"Oh, turns out my grandpa had one of the 1986 Superbowl rings when the Bears won. He picked it up at a garage sale not really knowing was it was. Can you believe that my grandma used it as a paper weight all these years?"
"Considering that it seems the perfect shape and weight for a paper weight, not at all."
Nick made a face. "You have too much in common with my grandmother."
Jess shrugged and said, "You know I identify with the older generation."
"So, you didn't tell him how you feel?" Cece asked Jess, finishing up the dishes at the sink. The rest of the party lounged in the rec room, talking loudly about the time Schmidt took up feng shui and rearranged the entire loft, only to decide that it was feng-ed the wrong way.
"I did not," Jess said. "What was the point after he told me that his news was his book deal and the ring wasn't for Reagan. It seemed like the moment passed."
"You do realize that moment is going to come," Cece said. "Whether it's Reagan or someone else, if he doesn't marry you he's going to marry someone else. And you're going to have to deal with that."
"I will deal with that…when it happens. But it's not happening. Tonight was a misunderstanding. And an overreaction."
"No, it wasn't," Cece said. "It was how a rational person – well, maybe not totally rational – but it's how someone reacts to finding out the man they love might marry someone else. You need to tell Nick."
"Tell me what?" Nick asked, suddenly behind them.
Jess jumped, loudly dropping a wine glass on the counter. "God, Miller. Don't sneak up on people."
"I'm sorry, I'll just loudly announce myself every time I join a conversation in my own home. Nick Miller here! Is that better?"
"Much, thank you," she returned smartly. "And, um, I was just going to tell you that…you should put Cece in your next Pepperwood book."
"Really?"
"Yeah, really?" Cece echoed.
"A down on her luck model who finds her true calling and true love after moving to the big city."
"Um, that's not what happened to me," Cece said slowly. "I was here for –"
"Shh," Nick said, putting a finger against her lips. "I like where this is going. Keep going, Jess."
Cece shook her head and said, "You two are ridiculous."
Jess couldn't sleep. She kept thinking about that conversation behind the iron curtain, and everything she didn't say. Everything she probably should have said, because Cece was right. Implicit in her not sharing her feelings was the reality that Nick was going to end up with someone else. She didn't know if she was okay with that reality. On the one hand, she wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn't with her. He deserved that as much as anyone else, maybe even more so. Nick constantly undervalued himself and his life. She wanted him to find someone that could surprise him with just how much value she added to his life, and he added to hers.
But, could she watch him move on with someone else – Reagan or whoever else came next – if he didn't know how she felt? Nick didn't know that she loved him. Seeing him with Reagan, she was pretty confident that it wouldn't change anything. Reagan was the girl that every guy just talked about being with, and Nick actually had her.
Jess padded out into the kitchen to get a glass of water, stopping short when she saw Nick at the table eating a bowl of cereal. He looked up at her and said, "Hiya, Jess."
"Hi Nick," she said softly. She knew she could just go back to bed. Get her water and call it a night. Instead, she poured herself a bowl of cereal and sat opposite him.
"What's got you up this late?" Jess asked.
"Just thinking, I guess," he said. "Hoping some ideas will come to me. What about you?"
"Just thinking," she said, echoing his prior words. They fell silent and Jess stared at her cereal, drumming up the courage to say what she needed to say. "Nick, um, I need to talk to you about something."
"Yeah, okay."
"Um, so, I want to start off by saying that I don't expect anything from what I'm going to tell you. I'm not saying it for that. I just – I need to say it. Just once. Because if I don't, then maybe you don't know. And I think you should know."
"Uh, Jess. You're sort of freaking me out right now."
"No, no, don't be freaked out," Jess said quickly, covering his hand with hers. "This isn't supposed to freak you out. Ugh, I'm doing this all wrong already." She took a deep breath. "Okay, let's try this again. Nick."
"Jess," he said slowly.
"I…love you? I love you. I, Jessica Day, love you, Nick Miler." Jess laughed at the sheer joy of finally having said it after all this time. Seeing Nick's stricken face she quickly said, "I'm sorry, it's not funny. I've just been keeping that in for a while. A long, long while. But, I wanted you to know. I needed you to know. And I don't expect anything in return. I really don't. I see how you are with Reagan, and Nick…I am so proud of you. You are warm and romantic. You've grown into the man that I always knew you could be." She sighed contently, feeling immensely free at finally speaking the truth. "Anyway, that's why I'm up. So, there you go."
Nick was quiet across from her and she began to feel nervous. "Um, you don't have to say anything. But, you can. If you want to. Do you want to?"
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"What? Nick –"
"Are you fucking kidding me, Jess? I'm finally with someone that I really care about. Someone that I could see a future with – a real future – and you tell me that you love me?"
"It doesn't have to change anything," Jess said. "It really doesn't."
"How can it not change things, Jess? How? We all live together. It's weird enough living with your ex-girlfriend, but your ex-girlfriend who is still in love with you?"
Jess felt like she was slapped in the face. "I'm sorry. I just…I thought you should know."
"Well, thanks. I'm real happy I know. Thanks for this totally casual and not at all confusing piece of information."
"I'm sorry," Jess said. "I'll just…I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Nick. Just forget it. Forget everything."
She got up and walked as quickly as she could back to her bedroom. She closed the door behind her, feeling as if her chest had been cracked in two. She didn't quite know how she expected Nick to react, but it wasn't that scene that just unfolded. She crawled under the covers on her bed and pulled them over her head. There was a soft knock on her door, but she didn't answer. After a moment she heard the door open and then close. Still, she stayed beneath the covers.
"I think it'll be hard to eat your cereal under there," he said.
"I don't want it anymore."
"Jess-"
"I really just want to be left alone right now," she said, voice muffled from the blankets.
She felt a tug on the blanket and then she was seeing her room again, Nick hovering above her with her uneaten bowl of cereal.
"I'm sorry about before. You have to give me some time to process," Nick said. "I'm a slow processor. You know that."
"I know," she said, taking the bowl from his hand. She noticed that he put some fresh cereal on top of the soggy bottom. She quietly stirred it all together, the spoon clinking against the bowl.
"It's not weird living with you," he said, sitting next to her on her bed. "It's actually weird how not weird it is living with you."
"Thanks, Nick."
"So, um, how long has it been? You said it was a while? How while…of a while?"
Jess swallowed a spoonful of cereal. "Around Cece and Schmidt's wedding."
His eyes widened. "Jess, that's a while."
"I know."
"Wait, we were supposed to go that wedding together. When I asked you, you were –"
"Yep."
"And then Reagan showed up-"
"Yep," she said.
Nick let that sink in. "I'm really sorry, Jess. I didn't know."
"It's okay."
They sat in silence for a while, Jess quietly eating her cereal and Nick mulling over the potentially life-changing information he just received. After finishing her bowl, Jess said, "Why is Lucky Charms so good?"
"I believe that is Stars and Rainbow Marshmallow Surprise that you are eating," Nick pointed out. "But, I agree. It's a thing of beauty."
"It's completely devoid of nutritional value, but it really makes up for it with whimsy."
"Hey Jess?"
"Yeah."
He looked over at her and said, "I think I love you, too."
"We have a situation."
Cece expected the worst. "Puppy play at Alsip Nursery?"
"I think this is a zoo situation. With those animal ice cream treats."
"Oh God. I will be there as soon as I can. Don't start crafting. Do you hear me, Jess? Do not start crafting."
"I won't. I'll see you there. And bring Schmidt."
"Wait, seriously? You want Schmidt? Really? I love my husband, don't get me wrong. But, really?"
"Yes, really."
"This is a whole unexplored level of a situation," Cece said. "We're leaving now."
Jess hung up and walked out into the living area. Reagan was in the rec room, stuffing a duffel bag with some odds and ends of hers left in the room. She looked up and offered Jess a small wave. Jess returned it nervously, walking over to the kitchen to get herself a glass of water. She could feel Reagan walking toward her, and immediately tensed.
"I'm not mad."
Jess turned toward her. "Oh, thank God. I never meant for any of this to happen. I just…I love him. I really love him."
"I know you do," Reagan said. "I was actually wondering when you'd tell him."
"You were?"
Reagan nodded. "I like Nick, but I don't love him. You two are good for each other."
"So, no hard feelings?"
"No hard feelings," Reagan said.
Jess went in for a hug and Reagan said, "I will, though, use this to get out of a hug."
Jess pulled back immediately and said, "Yeah, that's fair."
Nick walked out of his bedroom with a suitcase and said, "Alright, I think everything is packed up. Are you sure you don't need a ride to your apartment?"
Reagan smirked and said. "I've seen you drive, Miller. I'm good."
"You know that you don't need to move out immediately," Jess said.
Reagan shrugged and said, "I think it's time for me to move on." She walked over to Nick and took the suitcase from his hand. "You two be good to each other, okay?"
Jess nodded and said, "We will."
Reagan left the apartment and Jess walked over to Nick and slipped a hand around his arm. "Are you okay?"
He nodded, looking down at her with a wane grin. "I'm good."
"It's okay if you aren't. You cared about Reagan."
"I did," he agreed, looking down at her. He couldn't believe they were here again. After all this time they somehow found their way back to each other. "But I'm good."
"Look how magnificently those gorillas strut around their habitat," Schmidt said. "True kings of the jungle."
"I think lions are the king of the jungle," Cece said distractedly, looking for Jess.
"Well, that title is being challenged. Right here. Right now. Look at them!"
"It's great, babe," she said, patting his arm. "Do you see Jess anywhere? She should be here by now."
Schmidt craned his neck as he looked around the crowd. "No. I don't see her."
"I'm really worried about her, Schmidt. We only go to the zoo for really big things. Last time we did the zoo is when I found out I basically couldn't have children. This is bad. This is really bad."
"I'm sure she's fine."
"I think Nick rejected her," Cece said. "I was telling her how she should tell Nick how she felt, and I think she did and it backfired."
"That's not possible," Schmidt said. "Nick's been in love with Jess for ages. If she told him how she felt, there's no way he doesn't reciprocate."
"I don't know, I'm just…" she trailed off when she saw Nick and Jess making their way to them through the crowd. Nick had his arm around her waist, and he dipped his face down to her ear. She laughed, looking up at him with such a radiant smile that it made Cece smile in return.
"Schmidt, look," Cece said, pointing at the pair.
"About time!" he said excitedly. "Double dates! This is going to be great. Think of all the possibilities!"