It was a lazy day for Ludwig Beilschmidt. He sat on his crusty, cum-stained couch from 2003, eating life-savers and watching his favorite movie, The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. He scratched his ass and plopped another life saver into his mouth, wondering what life would be like if he wasn't such a failure. Maybe he would still be married to Italy. Maybe his penis wouldn't be a mutilated mess from all of the dangerous things he has fucked. Maybe he wouldn't be watching a movie designated for prepubescent tween girls on his weekend off.
He sighed and shook his head to rid himself of the thoughts that usually led to him crying in bed, hugging his Italy anime pillow. However, in the process of flipping his head like an angsty teen in a mosh pit, he started to choke on his lifesaver. Was this the end of our sad, pathetic Germany?
Unfortunately, no. He had seen the episode of Dr. Oz on how to save yourself from choking when you are alone. As he thrust himself on the edge of a chair, trying to dislodge the lifesaver from his airways, he was reminded of how alone he is.
Eventually, the lifesaver was forced from his air passages. He gasped a huge breath, feeling revitalized from his brush with death. He was pumped up on adrenaline and a sugar rush from the candy he had been inhaling all afternoon (no pun intended, but if it makes it funnier as a pun, I definitely intended it). He stared at the bright purple lifesaver sitting on his table, which was glistening with saliva and mucus from his throat. In his pathetic, hyped up, sex craved mind, he got an idea. A brilliant idea. How could he have never thought of this before?
He dashed to his living room, pulling up his half eaten roll of lifesavers from the bug infested couch. He stared at it in awe, reveling in it's beauty. There was about only 2 inches left, which was the perfect size for his micro penis to fit into. The center was only about 1 centimeter in diameter, which again, was perfect. He knew what he had to do.
He ripped off his bicycle shorts in a few, not very fluid movements. Hey, c'mon, his humongous, stubby sausage fingers couldn't grasp the fabric as well as someone else could. He usually left taking off his pants to Italy, but...
Needless to say, things had been difficult since the divorce.
Nevertheless, Germany was fully erect in less that 3 seconds. He unwrapped the rest of the lifesavers, but fortunately, since it was a hot and humid day, and Germany couldn't afford air conditioning, the lifesavers stuck together to form the perfect fleshlight for this sick excuse of a human. He smiled and shoved his dick into the ring of candy.
He moaned at the sensation, coming immediately. Maybe that was why Italy left?
He pulled out of the cum soaked ring of candies, sitting back down on his couch. The movie was at the best part. He absentmindedly pulled apart one of the candies and plopped one into his mouth. Ah yes. Just another typical weekend in the life of Ludwig Beilschmidt, object fucker extraordinaire.
FIN