Starting Over
This is a short one shot on Deacon's first serious leap into sobriety years ago.
Deacon is one of my favorite current TV characters (come on, why wouldn't he be?), and I love exploring his character and his challenges. So many of you have written great background for the main Nashville characters, that they've really come to life for me. Thanks!
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When he opened the doors to the rehab facility and stepped outside, everything was different. For the first time, she wasn't there, and she wasn't going to be there- maybe ever again.
There were a lot of things different this time. For one, it took him much longer than before to get all the booze out of his system. He'd never felt so sick. A week after detox he was still throwing up. But it wasn't just the booze. It was his heart. At times he thought he was going insane. He had a hard time believing where he'd landed, though he'd landed there many times before.
It's not as if he hadn't realized things were getting bad. He just hadn't realized how bad. The booze clouded all his judgment. But as sure as daylight, slowly over time, he'd let all the good in his life slip away.
Five years ago he thought he'd finally escaped the shithole life he used to think he was destined for. He'd gotten out from under the thumb of that nasty S-O-B father of his. He'd made it to Nashville, made a living on his own for a few years, then met the woman that would change his whole life: Rayna Jaymes. They were the perfect team. She had the voice, personality, and great looks. He could play guitar and write, and they were in love. They were electric on stage and off. The combination was industry magic. They'd written number one hits together and shared the excitement of performing in huge stadiums in front of thousands of people. She'd sold millions of records and started winning prestigious awards. And they'd done this together.
Despite the drinking, he was trying harder and harder to become the man he'd always wanted to be- the kind of man that would deserve Rayna Jaymes, the kind of man he never really believed he was. 'd been sending money to his sister, helping her get treatment for her own demons, and he was also supporting his niece through college. He'd bought a house. He was trying desperately to walk the line, to hold on.
When he and Rayna were together for the first time, it had taken him a while to believe that someone like her could love him. But she did love him. They understood each other. The money she came from didn't make a difference to her. They shared a similar pain. They'd both lost their mothers too early under tragic circumstances. And they both shared the same passion- music and each other. Mostly, they'd both felt like outsiders their whole lives, like they were misunderstood and had something to prove. They could tell each other anything, share anything, and experience everything together, and they'd promised to help each other through it all. His whole vision of his future was wrapped up with Rayna Jaymes. If she loved him, everything was possible.
But here he was. He'd been at the facility for three months this time and was going to stay at the safe house for another six months, at least. He'd finally been sober long enough to start putting the pieces together. He'd missed that show in LA. It was a huge deal. The recording companies were battling it out over Rayna's contract and there was even word he might have a shot at his own deal. Rayna had said that was the last straw- that she could put herself at risk but she wasn't just responsible for herself anymore, she had people whose livelihoods depended on her, not to mention her fans. He'd become too unreliable.
She'd broken up with him three times already, but he'd always figured out a way to convince her to give him another try. That is until Teddy Conrad showed up. She'd dated a few other men since their first break up, but this was the first guy that she kept around. He was a polished college grad from a well-to-do family- just the kind of man he'd always assumed Rayna would be with. That forced him to straighten out just long enough to give Rayna hope that he could make it. He'd even proposed to her. But even he couldn't handle the lie. He got drunk the same night and it was over. He'd lost her.
When Rayna called him and told him that she was marrying Teddy Conrad it broke his heart. But the moment he learned she was having Teddy's baby, it broke his spirit. It was as if everything he'd ever believed about himself was true after all. He wasn't good enough for her. She didn't really love him. His father was right. That's what he told himself, anyway, and that's what inspired his steepest and longest downward spiral. It was the same exact feeling he had on the night his father beat his mother and sister and told him he'd grow up to be a drunk just like him. It was the most shameful feeling he could imagine - watching helplessly as his father hurt his family and tried his best to crush his own son's spirit. It was a memory he'd never confessed to anyone. He couldn't. He couldn't bear the pain.
Standing there, he wondered why Rayna had helped him again. It had been a about a year since Rayna had her baby. His sponsor, Coleman, had been trying to track him down for weeks and finally found him. He remembered Coleman convincing him that it was truly a miracle that he was still alive, and so he needed to believe he was meant to survive and get himself into rehab again. Rayna was willing to foot the bill. Deacon wasn't sure why he'd agreed, but he did. He made Coleman promise not to tell her where he'd found him or how bad he'd looked. Even with the booze, while they were together he'd never cheated on her. He couldn't look at another woman the way he looked at Rayna and he knew he'd never be able to face her again if he ever did, even though they hadn't been together in a long time. He wondered if he'd be able to face her again now.
So here he was. Alone. It definitely felt different. As he waited for Coleman he recited the messages he heard over and over the past few months. He had family and friends who loved him. He did deserve to be happy. He smirked. Well, at least one thing had gotten through to him. He finally accepted that he was truly an addict and that he couldn't drink anymore if he was ever going to be with Rayna again or even have a career in music. This was his 4th time in rehab and he was gonna make damn sure it would be his last. He would keep that promise for the next 14 years.