Author's Note: Hello everyone. I know I haven't updated Cuisine in a while and I wanted to let you'll know that I haven't forgotten it. I was bitten by the Christmas bug and Kakashi and Iruka are such a joy to write about when all you want to experience are fuzzy feelings. I plan to finish this fic before the Christmas Season is done, although I can't promise you'll anything. Thank you for taking the time out to read this fic and do give me pointers about how I can improve. Please leave a review at the end; I can't write if I feel like there is nobody who would like to read my work. Thank you so much once again and may you all be touched by the Christmas spirit.

Secret Santa

Title: Secret Santa
Author: hallucogenic
Rating: M (Mature Audience)
Summary: Deck the halls with balls of holly.
Content/Warnings: (Yaoi, Homosexual relationships)
Feedback: Do drop a line or two. Please do not read this fic if you are going to give me grief about it later. Thank you.
Distribution: I must ask that you please do not download or post my fics to other sites. Thank you.
Spoilers: Contains no spoilers.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.

Chapter 1

"People! Get your asses in here." Snapped a short-tempered and obviously hung-over Tsunade. "File in one by one and don't raise the levels of your voices or the shuffling of feet as you enter. The faster we get this over with, the faster I can go back to sleep."

As slowly as they could, various chunin and jounin entered the room on literal tippy toes and shot furtive looks at their Hokage. It was very unusual for the Godaime to call all the chunin and jounin together. It made them not only fear for their lives but it did make them wonder whether this was the day she would finally snap and grind their bones to make her bread. Or sake, in her case.

After the last reluctant pair of feet had entered her room, Tsunade stood up and towered over her desk. "In the spirit of Christmas," she glared at all of them nastily, "I have had a brilliant idea. Or rather, Jiraiya-sama has had a brilliant idea." She paused for effect.

Faces around her winced and flinched. Everyone remembered what had happened the last time she had a brilliant idea. No one could forget their very drunken and inebriated Godaime cupping her own generous, over-flowing bosom and singing "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts" at the top of her voice. She then proceeded to order all the male chunin and jounin present at the Halloween party to henge into their female counterparts using the Sexy no Jutsu, grab their own bountiful bosoms and join her in the lusty caterwauling.

Their memories must have somehow translated onto their faces, because the Godaime bellowed, "Not something so revealing this time. Although, I do remember more than half of the sexy population liking their massive mammaries." She added with a leer.

Uncomfortable shifting on feet and red faces took place all around and the Hokage ignored it and carried on. "Leaving all that aside, the real reason for all of you'll have been summoned here is because Jiraiya-sama has decided, with my permission, to organize a Secret Santa."

Terrified yet blank faces met this announcement. "It is a Christmas tradition and these past few years have familiarized you all with that beautiful festive season, I'm sure" She subtly threatened.

"Yes, Hokage-sama." Came her obedient and beautifully submissive herd's reply.

"Brilliant! You all make me so proud." The faces of her jounin and chunin did not look reassured. "I'm going to explain what Secret Santa is. Jiraiya-sama has decided to help you all as it progresses. Now, I want everyone to listen very carefully to my explanation as it is not going to be repeated. Don't make me throw my empty sake bottles at your heads." Her eyes swept over the room, pausing for a minute to rest on the recently re-banded Team 7.

"It is a tradition that has gone on for quite a long time; however I had to tweak it a bit before I thought I could present it to you all. The original Secret Santa tradition goes something like this: everybody gathers around and writes their name on a chit of paper and then throws the chit into a bowl. Someone shakes up the bowl so that the order of the chits get mixed up and then each person is given a chance to remove one chit from the bowl and read the name written on it. If you get your own name, you show it to the person in charge of the bowl and you get to pick another chit. However, if the chit you pick is not your name but somebody else's, that person becomes your Christmas Child and you become their Secret Santa. You are not allowed to exchange names if you pick a person you dislike." Tsunade narrowed her eyes dangerously. "You keep the identity of your Christmas Child a secret and every day, or whenever it strikes your fancy, you give them little gifts to show them that you care for them and that you think of them. There is no specific number of gifts that one must give nor does it have to be overly expensive or showy; just something small that comes from the heart and shows the other person how fond you are of them. This goes on till the 24th of December. On that day, you will have to reveal yourself to your Christmas Child and give them a gift worth remembering. That is all."

The tittering that was coming from the crowd in front of her was making her wish that she could shut the whole lot of them up by gluing their lips together. She could already hear Naruto get all excited about being a Secret Santa to some poor fool and Tsunade had to grit her teeth and hope to God that her empty sake bottle wasn't within reach. Sighing, Tsunade lifted a hand up and gestured for silence. She could already feel the beginnings of a massive headache just around her temples that were waiting to beat her skull into mush. "I'm not done yet. This is the original way it's played. We are going to be playing a slightly different version." Her pained grin turned into a leer. "After all, I am the Hokage of a Hidden Village full of ninjas; I don't think we get to play by the normal rules of anything over here." She relished the paranoid looks that people were beginning to flash to their neighbors and felt distinctively vindictive.

"I have altered the game of Secret Santa and Christmas Child that we will be playing. Since you'll are ninjas, I have had to keep in mind things like chakra, stealth, cunning, tracking, torture and interrogation," she glanced a sly smile at Ibiki who was looking decidedly more stoic and chilling in the past few minutes, "and I have decided that we will be playing Secret Santa the ninja way."

She pointed to a fishbowl on her desk that was giving off a pink hue of chakra. "Shizune has placed chits in the bowl that contain everyone's name who is present in the room including myself and Jiraiya-sama." Her eye gave a decidedly manic twitch at this. "But before you pick up chits from this bowl, I must enlighten you on a few points. Firstly, a jutsu has been placed on this bowl so that whoever picks from it will most definitely not get their own name. Secondly, the minute your eyes read the name on the paper, you cannot look at the person for a full minute, because of course, as we all know; looking at a person immediately after picking their name out of a bowl is a dead giveaway. Thirdly, you will not be able to tell anyone the name of your Christmas Child, you'll maybe ninjas but your mouths are looser that a pair of elephant ears. Fourthly, handwriting will be distorted so that you do not recognize the hand of your Secret Santa. Fifthly, you will not give a present that is in anyway harmful, hurtful or downright disrespectful to your Christmas Child, if you do so, the jutsu will judge your actions accordingly and give you an appropriate amount of punishment according to the amount of harm inflicted on the Christmas Child, emotionally, physically or mentally. Kami knows I'm not putting myself through this just to watch each of you tear each other's throats out." She took in a deep breath. "Lastly, if this doesn't go as planned and I don't see a bit of bonhomie and camaraderie between all my chunin and jounin, I will personally see to it that each and every one of you undertake a sixth month mission, if not less. Am I clear?" she barked.

"Yes, Hokage-sama." Came the meek replies.

"Hokage-sama?" a steady voice trying not to show the bit of tremulousness beneath it questioned her. "Yes, Sakura." The Hokage sighed and turned to face her apprentice. "Why are we doing this now, Shishou?" she asked bravely and to the point. Tsunade mentally noted that the girl had learnt her fearsome temper too well and knew that she hated stuttering and weakness in the middle of her rages.

"Because Sakura, I lost a bet with Jiraiya-sama and I have to now pay the price for my lost gamble." A few voices groaned and a few more remembered that the Halloween party had also been hosted at the expense of their poor Hokage's losing streak. "More like we have to pay the price now." A voice muttered resentfully in the crowd.

"I know exactly who that voice belonged to." Tsunade stood to her fullest, palms apart resting on the table and her golden eyes flashed fire. "You all are going to undertake this as you would a mission; with determination, fortitude and the will of fire. If I even so much so sniff," at this she raised her head and took an obliging sniff, looking like a big, golden cat waiting for the smell of fear and blood, "uncooperative, difficult and stubborn behavior from any of you, you will be demoted to the position of genin for a period of four months if not more." Her fierce expression grew as her face tilted upwards, daring one of her subordinates to go against her authority. "Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama." Came the dutiful reply.

"Good." she replied, "Besides, I wouldn't want my ninjas to celebrate Christmas this year without interacting with each other and spreading the love and joy." Her eyes softened. "We all deserve this break, especially after all the trials and tribulations we have gone through. I would think that spending time with family, friends and loved ones would be a good thing once in a while. However, I also know that you all would never take it seriously unless and until it would be a mission. Thus, I assigned all of you one. Make your Christmas Child happy and be the best Secret Santa that you could possibly be." Her lips widened in grin. "So please come forward in a line to my desk and pick up a chit. Make yourselves quick, I haven't got all day. The minute you read the chit, the name will be imprinted onto your mind and the paper will flare up. I made sure that no one could tell me that they had forgotten the name of their Secret Santa."

A long queue formed in front of the Hokage's desk as chunin and jounin came forward to pick up a chit. Once they had picked one up, they opened it to read the name of the person. On more than one occasion, the person's eyes would widen slightly before trying their hardest to look at the owner of the name within the chit. The fact that they couldn't, made the Godaime chuckle infuriatingly. More than one person that stepped up to the Hokage's desk wondered whether the Hokage was a closet sadist.

As the line continued walking up to the desk, the Hokage sighed and remembered the bet that had taken place that had started this complete mess.

"Dammit Tsunade! Every time I think it's a good idea to get you drunk and hopefully take delicious advantage of you, you prove me wrong." A highly drunk and whiny Toad Sage grumbled. "One would think that you're liver and alcohol tolerance would get smaller with age, yet as usual you live to prove me wrong." One bleary eye viewed her gigantic bosom with such undisguised greed.

"You should know by now that trying to ply me with sake to get me to do your bidding is only ruining you further. I have had more than enough practice with you. Not only can I formidably withstand the effects but I also become much sharper when you are involved." She boasted drunkenly and eloquently. "Anyways, what is the bet this time?"

"Why would you say bet, Tsunade? You of all people should know that I don't want to bet against you for anything. After all, you do lose every time." Jiraiya smiled suggestively.

"Stop with your antics, Jiraiya." The blonde snapped. "It's the same routine every single time. You try to get me drunk and when that fails, you place a bet knowing I'm going to lose but my pride doesn't allow me to back down so I end up taking the bet and losing anyway. What is it this time?"

The white-haired man looked at her with a twinkle in his eye. "Ah Tsunade! It's nice to know that you pay attention even when drunk. However, for this bet, the stakes are a little high."

"What are they?" The impulsive woman asked.

"I bet that I can make you fall in love with me."

Shocked silence met this status, before the glassy-eyed woman started laughing hard. "Really Jiraiya! I expected a level of stupidity but not that much either." She continued to laugh while the Toad Sage grinned at her unapologetically. "What are the stakes?"

"If I win," the Toad Sage said gamely, "then I have obviously won my prize already. But if I lose, I won't ever bother you again except to drop by on official business."

Tsunade paused in mid-laugh. "Really?" she asked cautiously. "Well! I bet that I could never fall in love with you." She was surprised that Jiraiya would wage a bet with such high stakes against her, but who was she to complain? This was the only form of entertainment that she had these days, as Shizune kept a very strict eye over her gambling tendencies. The fact that he was so confident in making her fall in love with him was beginning to rankle her. But she would humor him. After all, it wasn't every day that Tsunade was able to win her bets so easily. "Fine! How do we go about it?" she asked.

"Have you heard of this game called Secret Santa? Of course, we would have to alter it a bit…."

As her memory trailed off, Tsunade looked around the room. All the jounin and chunin were now looking at each other uncomfortably. "I see that everyone has picked a name and knows their Christmas Child." She glanced at Kiba Inuzuka, who was looking decidedly pale, the markings on his cheeks standing out starkly against the fair skin. "The game begins now and I suggest all of you to get a move on and spread peace, love and joy, as well as the Christmas Spirit." She gave them all a gummy smile and wave. "Dismissed."

As the many shuffle of feet left her room, Tsunade wondered for the first time, whether she was going to regret the bet.

Iruka couldn't believe his eyes.

Hatake Kakashi

Oh Kami! thought Iruka frantically, out of everyone my stupid hand could have chosen to pick, it just had to be Kakashi-sensei!

He tried to turn and look at the Copy-nin only to find his eyes stuck furiously to the paper. He looked at the offending chit and growled, before the paper started to smoke and went up in flames. The small residue of ash fell to the floor. He glumly looked at it for a while more and then finally turned and moved his head to that Kakashi was in his line of sight. Out of every one he could have chosen to pick, he was stuck with Kakashi-sensei. He studied the profile of the man before him. A shock of silver hair, angled at a gravity-defying slant. One dark grey eye stood out, with the rest of his face covered in a black mask. The man oozed subtle threat and danger in a very attractive passage and Iruka was petrified. How in the world was he supposed to be a Secret Santa to the famous copy-nin? He didn't even know the first thing about him! Iruka racked his brains trying to remember bits and pieces about the jounin. He knew that the man was a child prodigy who was extremely eccentric, read orange porn in public, had a posse of dogs and had little idiosyncrasies like arriving hours later for a mission and making up the most unbelievable lies when he tried to get himself out of a hard corner. Iruka remembered this because he had once treated Naruto to ramen after coming back from a mission and he had to sit through three hours of the blond's whining about how Kakashi-sensei had made an appearance three hours after they were assigned the mission when they were supposed to leave early and then tell Team 7 that he had been helping an old lady cross the road to get her cat down from a tree on the opposite side.

Iruka sighed. So much for trying to stay alive before Christmas. If he had Kakashi as his Christmas Child, he had to do some serious reconnaissance before trying to give him a gift. Sighing with these morose thoughts, Iruka moved towards the Hokage's door.

Kakashi stared at the honey-skinned man in the corner. Iruka Umino. Star of Kakashi's less-than-innocent fantasies involving mud-wrestling, honey and chocolate, and sensory deprivation. Also, his Christmas Child. Kakashi gave a little grin. He loved the sound of that. His Christmas Child. The fact that it had Christmas as well as Child in the phrase made Kakashi ridiculously happy.

He studied the tanned face in the corner. His delicious little chunin was trying his hardest to look away from the paper. Kakashi sighed. He knew that it was the effects of the jutsu acting up. Thick, dark strands of hair were pulled up into a hair tie on top of his head, giving Kakashi the perfect view of his toffee-colored neck. Kakashi groaned. It was so hard to try and reign in his response of wanting to sink his teeth into the warm nape of the other man's neck. The lone eye roved across the younger man's face and settled at his scar on the bridge of his nose. Kakashi wanted to lick that strip of flesh so badly; his mouth was starting to water. He knew for a fact that Iruka's scar was extremely sensitive. He had watched the tanned man, one too many times, pinch the bridge of his nose on the scarred flesh and instinctively relax. Suddenly, he saw Iruka tense up and turned his face away to look at a wall just in time.

He felt a curious gaze sweep across him and internally sighed. Of course, Kakashi wouldn't admit it, but the thought of his small chunin getting somebody else as his Christmas Child made his heart wrench painfully. He desperately wanted to know who had the privilege of becoming his object of desire's Christmas Child but Kakashi knew that the jutsu would prevent that. That damn Tsunade was far too smart for her own good, he thought. Nevertheless, Kakashi was going to be the best Secret Santa that Iruka had ever had and he was going to make this Christmas the most special on for his honey-colored chunin. He was going to definitely make sure of that.