Title: Burning Sandwiches
Summary: In which Sasuke nearly starts a forest fire while making a sandwich, Naruto only adds fuel to the fire (literally and figuratively), Sakura is causing more damage while punching the boys out, and poor Kakashi doesn't know why he's even surprised anymore. [warning: not entirely serious.]
Note: Like, imagine this somewhere between chapter 699 and 700 and mildly AU because Kakashi's not the Hokage yet. Mild sasusaku.
And let's just pretend that the ninja speak English for the sake of this story.
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"Well," says Kakashi, looking at his three students, one chuunin and two genin. "This is the first mission we've been on together in a long time."
"Yeah!" Naruto cheers.
"You guys literally just saved the world," Kakashi adds sternly. "If you screw up this B-rank, I am going to give you a scolding—then laugh my ass off when Tsunade sinks her claws into you. On that happy note, let's get going."
.
Their job is a weeklong scouting mission in the magical area and to talk to the wizards to make sure they haven't been affected by the shit that happened in the nations. It's about a day's journey on foot, and they're making good progress.
Kakashi thinks they might actually come out of this B-rank somewhat unharmed. (he says somewhat because the boys are always going to end up with egg-sized lumps on their heads, courtesy of Sakura.)
Then they end up in the Forbidden Forest connected to one of Konoha's own, and break camp. Everything's fine now, Kakashi thinks, and decides to get some sleep while he can because it seems like his brats are tired as well and they're noisy when they're awake.
.
Kakashi awakens to the acrid smell of smoke and the unfamiliar and most certainly unwelcome sound of Sasuke's terrified wailing because Sasuke you are sixteen shut up.
"Sasuke you bastard!" Naruto shouts, waving his hand wildly at the flames as his clones scuttle about. "You set the forest on fire!"
"While making a sandwich!" Sakura screeches. "How?"
Kakashi really doesn't want to know, and pretends to continue sleeping.
"I was trying to toast the bread!" Sasuke protests.
"With a Katon jutsu?" Sakura hisses, and Kakashi can hear her turn as the fire's hissing grows louder.
"Naruto! What the hell are you doing?" Sakura roars.
"I'm trying to put out the flames, Sakura-chan!"
"You don't use leaves and twigs to put out fire, Naruto!"
Kakashi can hear Sasuke's palm meeting his face before a painful sounding smack and yelp occur, followed quickly by a crash and groan. Naruto cackles before another smack happens and Kakashi winces internally at the noise.
"Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura shouts. "Do something before Naruto and Sasuke burn the forest down!"
Kakashi opens his eyes, and instantly regrets it. The entire forest is an inferno, and Kakashi really, really has the sudden urge to break down into tears and for a totally legitimate reason—his students are hopeless.
Then the old man appears, and they're saved with a flick of a hand.
Literally.
"Good evening, kind sirs and lady," the old man says politely and looking amused rather than irritated. "Might I ask why and how you set the Forbidden Forest on fire?"
Naruto sits up from his pile of ashes. "Sasuke was the one to do it," he says immediately.
"Not on purpose!" Sasuke complains. "I was trying to toast my bread!"
"Why would you do it with a Katon jutsu?" Sakura growls, shaking a fist menacingly at him.
Kakashi sends the old man a pleading look that conveys Why is this my life perfectly before clearing his throat. "Maa, maa… You three, please stop arguing before I flip my shit and turn you in to Ibiki for arson and manslaughter." He pauses. "Not that Sasuke and Naruto are men…"
His students all glare at him.
He ignores the looks and stands up, dusting leaves and twigs off himself. "I'm Kakashi Hatake. We're here to talk to the leader of the closest magical community."
"I'm Albus Dumbledore," the old man replies, still sounding amused. "I'm the Headmaster of Hogwarts, school of magic and witchcraft. Would you like to come inside for some lemon drops? I'm certain it's preferable to staying in the remaining ashes of this part of the forest."
.
"That's a lot of students!" Naruto exclaims, looking around eagerly and waving cheerfully at a couple of them with a sunny grin.
"Quiet, Naruto," Kakashi sighs as the students all continue to stare at them. "You have ash in your hair."
"Wha—gah!"
Sakura stares at the pink lady at the front of the room. "She looks like one of Naruto's summons," she comments.
"She does," Sasuke agrees.
"That may be so, but keep your comments to yourselves or else I will turn you over to Tsunade," Kakashi growls.
They gulp and are silent as they make their way to the front of the room where they stop.
Dumbledore clears his throat. "Alright, students of Hogwarts," he calls with a few claps, and all attention is on him. Kakashi kinda wishes he can do that with his brats. "These are very important people from a different country, so please treat them with respect. They'll be here for a week before returning." Inclining his head, Dumbledore steps back, and Kakashi coughs awkwardly.
"Hello. I'm Kakashi Hatake, and these are my hopeless students, so I hope you're used to insanity." He swallows. "They set the forest on fire trying to make a sandwich."
"It was an accident!"
"It was just Sasuke!"
"I had no part in it!"
Kakashi pinches the bridge of his nose and rounds on his students, at his wit's end. "I swear to every single god out there," he hisses, leaking killing intent, "if you three do not shut up, I will deal with you myself and I'll have you know, Anko 'Psycho' Mitarashi is scared of me."
His students quail. "Yes, Kakashi-sensei," they squeak in unison.
Satisfied, Kakashi turns back around with a sigh. "It's been a long, long day. Seriously."
.
"Hem, hem. Mister Hatake, if I could hem, hem have a word with you?"
"I suggest you talk to my female student if you need a cough drop," Kakashi suggests mildly, falsely polite. "She's a medic."
The toad lady looks shocked before shaking her head and continuing. "Oh I don't need a cough drop," she replies, and Kakashi feels like he's not going to touch anything sweet for a while. "I would, hem, hem, like to inquire you about the reasons for your group coming here."
"That's reserved for Dumbledore-san's ears only," Kakashi hums, turning a page in his Icha-Icha. "I'm afraid you aren't authorized to hear it."
"What do you mean? I'm of the Ministry of Magic!"
"You don't belong to this school, which is the nearest 'magical community'," Kakashi answers, looking up from his book with a lazy look in his eyes. "Dumbledore-san will find he is unable to answer any of your questions as well, since we've set up safety precautions beforehand."
He rises from his seat in the library. "I think I'll call my student. You need a cough drop."
.
Kakashi walks into the Great Hall, casually bypassing the trap waiting there. He slides a glance at Naruto quizzically, who's sitting by a pair of redheaded twins and looking disappointed as Kakashi heads over.
"Naruto," he sighs. "You can do better."
Naruto huffs. "That wasn't even set up for you, Kaka-sensei."
"You're going to dump a bucket of milk on a poor, unsuspecting student?"
The two twins grin. "Yep," says the one on the right.
"Say, Naruto," begins the other one.
"Your teacher—"
"—is pretty—"
"—cool!"
Naruto blinks before bursting out into laughter. "Kaka-sensei is cool. But super, duper, totally weird."
"I'm hurt, Naruto," Kakashi remarks dryly.
"Come on, sensei! You walk around reading porn in public, you wear a mask all the time, and you show up at least an hour late to everything!" Naruto points out.
"One: how do you know I'm actually reading porn?" Kakashi inquires mildly. "I could be using the book cover. Two: I've worn a mask since I was four, so I'm pretty much used to it. Three: that's mostly Obito's fault."
"You like eggplant! With miso soup!"
"Hey, what's wrong with eggplant?"
"Nothing! Except with miso soup!"
"What's miso soup?" pipes up a black haired boy, and Naruto looks horrified while Kakashi makes his escape as his student opens his mouth.
.
"Why do you make that hem, hem sound?" Sakura demands while Kakashi watches surreptitiously from his seat. "You clearly do not have a throat problem, though if you continue to make that irritating hem, hem, you're going to develop one!"
"Ah?"
"It's irritating," Sakura says bluntly, and the entire room's focus is on her. Several people are snickering. "If you're going to talk with such a high pitch, it's also going to strain it. And it's also really annoying and do you know what I do with things that annoy me?"
"You kill them," Sasuke calls.
"You punch them," Naruto says at the same time.
"Those are synonymous, boys," Kakashi offers.
Sakura considers. "Yeah. What they said. Or—a permanent fix, though Naruto's stupidity and Sasuke's asshole-ness are things that cannot be fixed, even temporarily."
"Hey!"
"So please stop the annoying pitch," Sakura concludes, tugging her gloves absentmindedly. Kakashi immediately stands up and throws his chair at her.
Which she promptly turns to splinters.
Better the chair than him.
.
Kakashi is humming contentedly, standing near the green table where Sasuke is eating. A silver haired student takes a seat across from him, and from the way Sasuke's finger twitches suddenly, their relationship is not good at all.
"So," drawls the blonde. "You're of a pureblood family too?"
"No," Sasuke retorts shortly. "A clan that specializes in burning things that displease them."
Apparently the boy doesn't get the hint and continues, "How… philistine."
"They were more noble than you will ever be," Sasuke growls, and stabs his fork into the table with a thunk, startling the entire table. "You know, I'm really, really sick of your jabs about my heritage. Did you know, I really, really love sharp, pointy objects."
He yanks the fork out and twirls it in his fingers. "I also really, really love stabbing annoying people with sharp, pointy objects."
"Go ahead," Kakashi answers the unasked question, turning a page.
The blonde goes as pale as his hair.
.
"Time to go, children," Kakashi calls. "Let's not start forest fires."
Sasuke glares. Naruto snickers. Sakura punches the both of them.
During their week, Sasuke had been civil to a couple green and silver children, Naruto had become immensely popular with the red and gold, and Sakura had been a revered but feared role model for many students.
Kakashi had done what he'd come here for; the wizards have been unharmed by the Tsukuyomi and all.
They make camp back in one of Konoha's forest, and Kakashi goes to sleep uneasy.
.
He wakes up thankfully not to smoke.
But it's worse.
"Sasuke," he says disbelievingly, "Sakura. What the fuck are you doing?"
Naruto, the thickheaded moron that he is, is sleeping right through it.
The two turn towards him at the same time, and Sakura opens her mouth to reply, only for Kakashi to cut in, "Never mind. I don't want to know. But save it for when you're actually in a bed. Please."
"But I'm hor—" Sasuke begins.
"Don't you dare continue that sentence or else I will throw you into the river in replacement of a cold shower," Kakashi growls, and the two gulp.
.
They make it back whole. Kakashi take far too much glee in informing Tsunade that they'd nearly started a forest fire while making a sandwich, and flees quickly when she rounds on them.
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a/n: I don't even know
please leave a review if you enjoyed? I had fun writing this haha