The Valentine's Day Blues

Rating: Good old PG never let me down!

Author's Notes: What? I'm actually doing a humor fic!?! It's the sign of the apocalypse! *ducks under computer desk*

I'm still doing The Realms of Chaos; don't think I've forgotten my most popular story just yet! However, since this is the time of love and heartbreak, I thought this might be a nice humorous break from it! Expect some zany pairings here! (Sorry, no yaoi or yuri. I never saw any of the main characters as gay, and I can't write yaoi for beans.)

Author's Notes2 (for Realms of Chaos readers): This doesn't fall anywhere in the TROC storyline. Changeling is taking a break from all that world conquesting she's been doing for the moment...

Disclaimer: I do not own Spyro or any of the related lands and characters. I do own Cupid (the Avalarian version, not the real one.) and Snowflake. Snowflake's description is in the first chapter of The Realms of Chaos.

If you don't feel like looking, here it is: "She wasn't born from the same world that Spyro was born in, and her physique proved it. She had no horns, webbed 'ears' with cool blue webbing, biped feet, almost smooth skin, an untipped tail, and long blue wings that are able to fly without the use of magic. She wore nothing but a simple necklace made of a strong brown twine and a beautifully made shark tooth and a cool blue skirt that started from her waist and ended to her knees. The suspender that held the skirt was made of a bright yellow material."

~*~*~~*~*~~*~*~

The sun shone down upon the lands of Avalar. The atmosphere was filled with happiness and joy, for it was February 14; Valentine's Day. It was a day of love, a day of romance, a day of cheap make-up, and a day of laid-off dates and heartbreak. Ah, bliss! Various girls were already picking out jewels to wow their dates and various males were using the one thing they didn't use the other 364 days; deodorant and cologne. Birds sung in the trees, fodder frolicked in places where a purple dragon can easily slaughter them for their butterflies, and bees hummed a wordless tune that was picked specifically for the day.

One person did not like the festivies. He just frowned upon all the love and happiness as he stood upon the head of a rather dim green dinosaur. He stood on one of the peaks in Fracture Hills, overseeing all the joy and happiness with glaring green eyes. He tapped his scepter irritably as he watched some fauns try to impress a hunky satyr with jewels and imported perfume. Even Elora was out, chattering with Bianca, Snowflake, and Zoe to see which jewels matched her outfit. The girls were in their best outfits; even Snowflake had bought a beautiful blue gown for just the occasion.

"Why do those simpletons waste their time trying to impress members of the opposite sex?" Ripto growled.

Crush and Gulp exchanged glances, each of them dully thinking of a good solution. Crush suggested that he could date the Sorceress ("She's six feet under...boiling lava, that is!") while Gulp suggested that he tried a dating agency. ("A waste of money. Why have someone else tell you whom to love?") As the three of them pondered on what to do with this disappointing holiday, Ripto jumped in the air with an idea.

"I know!" Ripto said with a cackle. He chanted some words and suddenly the robot eagle that had assisted him during a battle with Spyro sprung up at his feet.

"If I hate Valentine's Day, I'll make sure that everyone else in Avalar hates it too!" And with a delighted laugh, he hopped on his mechanical vehicle and steered it towards the clouds...

~*~*~~*~*~~*~*~

In some fancy-smancy castle in some clouds coating with a silver lining, a rather nude faun with nothing on but a toga, some winged sandals, and a pair of wings prepared his arrows for firing. The flighty fairy/faun thing nocked the bow and tested its strength. He laughed rather gaily as he thought of all the joy and happiness he was going to bring. The special LURVE Arrows were specially prepared, and they were all in place.

"O-Ho! Think of all the love I'll bring!" Cupid said in a sugar sweet Muppet-like voice that was bound to get on anyone's nerves.

"Not on your life!" A well-aimed scepter went crashing down on the creature's head. With a sigh, Cupid lost consciousness. Ripto laughed at the creature's misfortune, and then stole the bow and arrow that Cupid was just holding.

He examined himself in a golden-framed mirror with the bow and arrow, and saw that he wasn't a very convincing Cupid. Ripto looked at the fairy/faun's lack of clothing, looked at his own clothes, and sighed in defeat. The lizard then had to strip down his wizard robes ("It sure is cold up here.") and wear the one-size-fits-all toga. ("How embarrassing. Couldn't this fairy at least wear a shirt?")

Ripto then put on the swan wings and the winged sandals. He cackled in glee. "Finally! I have the power of flight! Time to pay those love-sick losers a visit..." He tried to make a dramatic dive out of clouds, but instead Ripto performed an imitation of a shouting comet made of feathers...

BOOM!

Ripto pulled himself out of the crater he created. "Geez! How do those dragons fly with these things?" After some practice, Ripto got the hang of flying. At least, enough hang to hover and aim. Then, the short menace saw his first victim. Moneybags was shaking his full bag of gems right in front of a rather unwilling female, Sheila the kangaroo. Ripto couldn't believe his luck!

"Look, mate. I'm not paying just to get some cheap make-up only a whore would wear!" Sheila explained.

"Hey, I have to eat too!" Moneybags retorted.

"Yeah, I bet you get awfully hungry in that large marble mansion filled with money and maids..." Sheila hissed. Ripto took aim on the kangaroo's posterior and let an arrow fly.

"It's not that big..." Moneybags was running out of argument.

"It's bloody big enough for three of my chums to-" Sheila was knocked down on her face by the force of the powerful LURVE arrow. Ripto pumped a fist in the air in a victorious manner and flew rather pathetically to his next victim.

"Hey! I wasn't finished trying to scam you!" Moneybags lifted the semi-conscious kangaroo up to her feet. Sheila blinked her eyes and let her eyes focus on the nearest creature of the opposite sex. Her eyes lit up when she saw the man of her dreams, a fat bear that cared of nothing but of his own personal gain.

"Lovey-poo!" The kangaroo latched onto Moneybag's large waist. Moneybags was experiencing a large amount of shock. First of all, he had never seen these kinds of emotions shown to him by a female. Second of all, Sheila was yelling at him just a second ago. Moneybags didn't know whether to feel disgusted or happy.

"Let us come and make beautiful music together under the shade of a cherry-blossom tree!" Sheila prattered on, her common sense taken over by the powerful LURVE arrow. Moneybags didn't know what she meant, and it hurt his head trying to figure out the meaning. Maybe she was going to give him gems under the cherry blossom tree? With a shrug of his shoulders, he let the kangaroo dang him away...


~*~*~~*~*~~*~*~


"How about this jewel? Does it match my eyes?"

Elora pivoted on a hoof, letting her green gown and her golden necklace twirl with it. A purple crystal was set into the necklace, and it made the other girls jealous. Bianca, Zoe, and Snowflake all admired her pretty outfit with envy.

"Spyro is going to love it!" Bianca said, who wore a royal purple robe with diamond earrings. The bunny wanted to impress her rather spotty date. Zoe agreed with a nod; her golden dress that resembled Belle's gown from Disney's Beauty and the Beast was sure to win the heart of Sparx.

"Spyro is going to love you no matter what you wear." Snowflake offered. Even in her beautiful blue gown and the decorative sharktooth necklace and green crystal (Not the Green Gigas Crystal; just a cheap imitation.) hanging from her neck, she still hadn't snagged a date for the Valentine's Day Night Festivities. Satyrs scoffed, Breezebuilders laughed, and Earthshapers tried to squash her into red jelly when she asked people to be her valentine. She shrugged her shoulders; oh well, there was always Final Fantasy VIII to do!

Their schoolgirl chatter was cut off when the Professor ran up to them as fast as his little mole-legs can take him. Like Snowflake he was also without a date, but he didn't care because he was quite the stud back in his youngeon days.


"Hello, Professor." The four girls droned somewhat politely in unison. They all knew that when the Professor was this excited; he had discovered something that would influence Avalar to make a better tomorrow. Where there were new discoveries, there was some kind of complex speech to go with it. Luckily, it seemed to fit the theme of Valentine's Day quite well.

"I've created a potion that, when digested, you would become irresistable to the opposite sex. The bigger the dose, the bigger the effect." The Professor slumped his shoulders in a hopeless-looking fashion. "Alas, we can't use it in its current state..."

Zoe cut in. "Why not? A love potion would be perfect for the holidays!"

The Professor blushed. "Yes it would be, but the side-effects include explosive diarrhea and nightmares that haunt you for about two weeks..." The girls looked shocked at these side-effects; a date would be ruined if the girl kept dashing to the nearest bathroom!

Elora scoffed at that. "Well, as soon as you finish that potion, I'll make sure you hand a nice dose to Snowflake. She's without a date and could use the help."

Snowflake clenched her fingers and made fists. "I don't need help on my love life, thank you very much!"

"Whoa, I'm just trying to help..." Elora placated the irritated dragon back into a calm. She didn't bother to mention that the only guy that Snowflake ever dated was a certain vertically challenged sorcerer that tried to take over Avalar more then once. She then turned to talk to the Professor of possible components for the love potion.

Unbeknownst to the girls, a red scaled Cupid swooped down (and landed on the heels of his feet rather painfully) like a bird of prey. He readied another arrow, but paused. He noticed Snowflake's gown. The blue velvet seemed to shimmer in Fracture Hills' obscured sunlight, and he noticed that it matched her wings.

"Wow, she looks pretty in that dress..." he said to himself when he saw the dragon sit on a rock, her form slumped in defeat. Ripto quickly gained his common sense and shrugged off the feelings as an accidental prick on the finger by one of the LURVE arrows.

Twang!

"Oww!" Elora made a little stumble, as the force of the LURVE arrow's impact was softened by the silken dress. She shook a fist in Snowflake's direction. "I know you're ticked, but that's no reason to throw rocks!" She turned to the Professor. "Now, where was I-"

Instead of seeing the Professor, she saw the most beautiful creature on the face of Avalar; an ancient mole with wrinkles and probably several functional disorders. Elora swooned.

"Oh, handsome knight! Take me away on a star borne chariot into the stars!" Elora babbled as she embraced the Professor, burying his face into her cleavage. Zoe's mouth hung wide open, Bianca was disgusted, Snowflake raised an eyebrow, and the Professor obviously tried to protest underneath Elora's grasp.

"Elora! Are you out of your mind?" Bianca shouted. The rabbit grabbed a hold of Professor's lab coat and pulled him out of the faun's grip. As she did so, Snowflake seized Elora from behind and prevented her from lunging at the Professor again. The Professor teetered on his feet, still dazed from the loveable attack Elora did to him.

"Something weird is going on..." Snowflake inquired. She suddenly heard a screech, and when she turned her head to the source of the noise she saw an Earthshaper hugging a faun in a death-grip. Another scream echoed in Fracture Hills, and soon a pig was being chased by a crazed satyr, who was crying "Come back, my sweet!".

"...And by my sharktooth necklace, I'm going to find out who's at the bottom of this!"

~*~*~~*~*~~*~*~

By the time the sun was setting, Ripto had made every realm in Avalar fall into complete chaos. (No reference to my other story intended.) Ripto had made good time by firing his arrows at a fast rate, and soon every person in Avalar was being chased by someone they did not love. Moneybags had climbed up a tree, which was true to his bear heritage, avoiding Sheila's attempts to cuddle him. Professor had actually dug a tunnel and hid underground from the crazed faun, something he had never done since he first got into the scientific field. Hunter grinned insanely as he chased a screaming Zoe, an arrow still quivering in his flank.

Spyro looked down at all this mess and turned to Snowflake. "So, it wasn't like this a few hours ago?" Spyro asked. He had only just entered Avalar through the portal in the Artisan's Homeland. Snowflake shook her head.

"Well, either Cupid has *really* bad aim, or someone is behind all this!" Spyro decided as a Colossus monk fled a female yeti chasing him. The yeti caught up with the monk and gave it a colossal hug, breaking a few of the monk's ribs.

"I go with the latter," a mysterious high-pitched voice stated from behind them. Spyro and Snowflake both turned their heads, and saw the real Cupid. He was almost unrecognizable in the wizard's suit, purple cape, and red necklace he was wearing, but there was no denying his annoying voice. The clothes were several sizes too big on Cupid, judging from the baggy look they gave him.

"Some jerk knocked me out from behind while I was testing out my ultra-powerful LURVE arrows. He even stripped me of my toga and wings! I had just managed to gain consciousness, so I put on the clothes that were available to me and used some robotic eagle-thing to come back down here." Cupid explained. Spyro raised an eyebrow when he examined the familiar clothes.

"You know, somehow this doesn't surprise me. Short-Stuff never was big on holidays that didn't worship him. Valentine's Day must've been on his top priority list because he happens to be a big loser that couldn't get a date even if he tried." Spyro stated rather plainly. He turned to the imp-like faun.

"So, when can I toast the little matchmaker?" Spyro asked Cupid. Cupid scratched the back of his forehead as he explained some complications.

"Well, you see, anyone who wears the special wings and sandals is invisible to everyone but himself. You're going to have to lure Ripto into taking off his wings and sandals, and then you can toast him." Cupid suggested. Spyro sighed when he heard the news. Snowflake threw up her arms in the air in defeat.

"Yeah, but who can lure the little guy into taking off magical clothes?" Snowflake asked. She didn't know what triggered it, but then both Spyro and Cupid both gave her rather mischievous looks. Maybe it was the choice of words, or maybe it was the way Snowflake said it. All she knew was that she didn't like those looks.

"Okay, why are you two staring at me?" Snowflake asked, backing away from the two grinning males.

"Tell me, why is everyone else except you suffering from Ripto's Valentine's Day Blues?" Spyro asked. Cupid smiled impishly, Ripto's clothes giving him a comical appearance. "I've been the love expert since before you were born, miss. I know love when I see it, and this diminutive dinosaur probably likes you more then he's willing to believe..."

"So, are you telling me that I should try to seduce Ripto?" Snowflake said, her words tumbling out of her mouth awkwardly. She never saw herself as attractive; just a white biped dragon about the same height as Elora. How was she going to tempt Ripto to take off his sandals and wings? This idea scared her; seducing wasn't one of her strong points.

Figuring she had nothing to lose, Snowflake sighed in defeat and said, "So, what's the big plan?"

~*~*~~*~*~~*~*~

"She looks perfect! The perfect Ripto bait!"

Cupid and Spyro both examined the piece of work in front of them. Snowflake stood in the middle of a clearing in Summer Forest, her stance very unsure about this whole ordeal. She wore her regular clothes, with some shackles to add to the whole disguise. Her phone number was printed on a sign hanging around her neck. The whole get-up was very pathetic-looking to Snowflake.


"You have me in chains!?! How do chains attract Ripto?" Snowflake hissed at Cupid. The faun gave a little laugh.

"I know from personal experience that egotistical villains love women whom will submit to them easily. Everyone who fit this category, from Eggman to Bowser, loves women tied up in chains that will serve their every whim." Cupid said this as if it were a well-known fact. Snowflake couldn't picture it happening like that. ("I love you Cortex." "I love you too. I love how you look in those chains...")

"But why the number?" Snowflake asked, looking down at her phone number printed on the embarrassing sign. Cupid shrugged. "I dunno. It just seemed to fit. Just read the notes I gave you and soon that little bastard will come flying in here!" And with that, Cupid jumped into some bushes where Spyro was hiding and waited. Spyro laughed; he hadn't had a good shot at anyone's rear end in days. Cupid patted his hate arrows reassuringly; when he caught this phony, he'll reverse the spell on everyone in Avalar and fire at the real couples.

"Ripto!" Snowflake started to call. "I want you to come here for a second! I have something to tell you! I think you're really hot!" She spat the last sentence out as if it were a bad-tasting medicine. Ripto, hot? It just doesn't seem to fit. Sure, he was a little cute when he was desperate in world domination, but...

"What the hell are you doing, Snow?" Ripto's voice called out from thin air. Snowflake glanced around worryingly, but then remembered the invisibility. Snowflake smiled a genuine smile, and said, "I'll tell you once I can see you. Those wings and sandals make you invisible to my eyes..."

"Oh, no wonder no one noticed me. Just a sec." Ripto's form suddenly flickered into view and Snowflake burst out laughing. She had never seen Ripto in anything but his signature clothes, and he looked rather silly in a very revealing toga. He looked confused and when he noticed what she was laughing at, that expression changed to one of big embarrassment. Suddenly, Snowflake's laughter was cut off by the sound and smell of fire and brimstone.

"YOWCH!" Ripto flew straight into the air. He landed to the ground with a thump. He turned to Spyro, who was smiling smugly. "You damn dragon! I'm going to shove my scepter so far-" He was cut off by a gasp from Snowflake. Ripto, so fired up by Spyro's attack, didn't know that the toga wasn't as flame-resistant as his clothes. (If a dragon flames you, your clothes don't just get singed.) Sure enough, his only cover was a blacked pile of soot on the ground.

"Okay, that was more of you then I needed to see, Shorty..." Spyro said in a disgusted tone. He covered his eyes with a leathery wing. Ripto growled an insult that shouldn't be repeated as Cupid handed him his clothes. (Fauns can be naked; just look at the satyrs in Fracture Hills.) Ripto quickly dashed to the nearest bush and made himself decent.

"I'm I forgetting anything in my outfit?" Ripto asked no one in particular when he emerged fully clothed from the shrubs. Spyro smiled. "As a matter of fact, you forgot your handcuffs!" At the word "handcuffs", the sneaky purple dragon snapped on two handcuffs onto the wizard's wrists. He glared at Spyro with pure hatred burning in his eyes.

"Where did you come up with this plan, dragon? Is Crash giving you some of his clever ideas?" Ripto mocked. Spyro shrugged. "Hey, if it could trick you, if could trick anyone! Besides, during this day of love and heartbreak, I just couldn't bear to beat you up a fifth time..." As Spyro said the last sentence, he switched his voice to a tone of mock pity. Ripto snarled at him angrily as he felt himself being dragged backwards by Elora, who had a hate arrow sticking out of her back. (Cupid is very quick on his wings.) As he was dragged out of sight, he had enough time to say one last comeback.

"Just wait until Easter, dragon! I'll make every one of you sorry! Every one!"

~*~*~~*~*~~*~*~

As the Valentine's festivities wore on into the night, Ripto paced around his jail cell. It was constructed like an animal cage, with steel bars, a cold steel floor, and barely any room to move in. Ripto looked silly with all the rotten fruit splattered against his wizard's clothes (All the formerly lovesick creatures got their revenge and made a fruit salad out of Ripto), but at least he didn't have to wear that embarrassing toga anymore. He wondered how long he had to sit in this cage. Probably until Elora decided a good way to get rid of him.

Click!

Ripto turned his head to the source of the noise. The lock that held his cage closed fell onto the nighttime grass. A clawed hand slightly pushed the cage open, making sure it didn't squeak annoyingly. Ripto stepped onto the fresh cold grass, breathing in the scent of freedom. A clawed finger pointed at his nose.

"You owe me." Snowflake stated plainly. She still held the key in her left hand. The moonlight gave her blue dress an enchanting sparkle to it, and it seemed to make her an angel. Ripto spat back a response in his common sassiness.

"Hah. If anything, you owe me! If you didn't play as the bait, I wouldn't be sitting in a cage with rotten fruit splattered all over me. That Hunter sure can aim." Ripto retorted. Snowflake sighed.

"Okay, what do I owe you?" Snowflake asked. As she did so, she dug into her dress pockets to see if she had her Dragon Express Card on hand. Ripto stopped her.

"No. I mean some kind of a favor. And since this is Valentine's Day..." Ripto scratched the back of his neck uneasily. Snowflake was amused. Boy, he will never hear the end of it if anyone saw.

"Are you asking me out?" Snowflake asked. Ripto nodded, as if he dreaded the whole idea. Snowflake gave a sarcastic smile. Taking Ripto's claw in hers, she said. "I accept." The two then walked away from Summer Forest castle and towards a portal towards Glimmer, where they could watch the night sky in secluded peace...

The End

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So what if it was mushy? It's Valentine's Day for Pete's sake!

Yeah, Ripto was a little out-of-character. The Valentine's Day spirit finally got him in the end. (Gives a significant glance at Cupid flying overhead.)

If you review this just to say that the story sucks, Spyro sucks, or that the pairings suck, then you shouldn't be reviewing in the first place. Oh, and this was supposed to be Humorous, so none of the pairings should be taken seriously!