Racism! The Musical!
Cast of Characters: (Not in any particular order)
Principal Raté: Racist Principal
Rigger: African-American
Hashish:Arabian-American, likes to bomb, not popular
Bystanders:
Bystander 1: A bystander, Jewish
Bystander 2: A bystander, mixed
Autistic Kid's Dirt Bike Gang (Mexicans): Pablo: the leader
José: follower
Rumando: follower
Flandango: sleepy follower
Chinese:
Ching-Chong: brother of Ching-lee
Ching-lee: sister of Ching-Chong, in love with Franco
Hong Kong Connie: Mother of Ching-Chong and Ching-lee, owner of "Happy Sim Sum Ge Lestaulant"
Popular Italian-American Children's Mafia of the Roman Republic:
Vinny: the leader
Franco: Vinny's best friend, a strong guy
Marela: follower
Italians:
Mama: mother of Vinny and Gondola
Papa: father of Vinny and Gondola
Gondola: sister of Vinny
Junior Raté Socially Soviet Segregation Police:
Yuri: head of squad
Yow-ee-ski: lieutenant
Miscellaneous:
Police: the police
Random Crabby Lunch Lady: lunch lady
Act 1: L'ecole
Act 1, scene 1
Enter bystanders:
(Bystanders line up in the lunch line. Each kid salutes when each song verse finishes. They sing in unison)
Schule und Raté uber alles. Uber Alles in der shule. Wenn es shetz zu Schultz und Trutze. Bruderlich suzammen HALT!
When we go...
In that great war... Death and sorrow conquers all! School and Raté over all. Over all in the school...
(Sung)
Bystander 1: I hear the principal is racist.
Bystander 2: Really, really racist?
Bystander 1: And I know I'll get in trouble soon.
Bystander 2: why?
Bystander 1: Because I'm truly in jam. I can't eat ham, and shfitzing 'bout the whole damn thing. When your feeling right in trouble you'd better run on the double away from this awful school. The principal is racist.
All: really, really racist
Bystander 1: And he'll probably get you really soon.
Bystander 2: I'm black and your white. Two? That really makes me shite in our rotten principal's eye. Because the principal is racist.
All: Really Really Racist.
Bystander 1: And he'll get us all really soon.
(Bystander 1 and Bystander 2) Races can't exist, In this crazy mix, Of a curdled racism life! Just don't despair, Nothing's really there, This only a musical!
Bystander 2: So, the principal is racist.
All: really really racist.
Bystander 2: And I'm sure He'll get us really soon.
(Together)
Bystander 1: He'll really get you soon. You can't even swoon –
Background: He's really, really racist. Really, really racist. –
Random Crabby Lunch lady: What's all this Racket? PIPE DOWN.
Enter Autistic Kid's Dirt Bike Gang and Ching-Chong.
Pablo: Stay away from the Autistic Kid's Dirt Bike Gang, Ching-Chong! This gang's not for chinesey people! It's for tough kids, like us Mexicans! Isn't that right, boys?
José: Si.
Rumando: Si.
Flandango: (snoring)
Pablo: (whisper) Psst! Flandango!
Flandango: ...Huh... Oh, sorry, Pablo. I was sleeping. Oh, so sleepy...
Ching-Chong: For the last time, Pablo, I just wanted a spoon from the cafeteria line.
Pablo: Hey! He's insulting us with his stupid Chinesey language again. Let's get him, boys.
José: Si.
Rumando: Si.
Flandango: (snoring)
Pablo: For the last time, Flandango...
Flandango: oh, so sleepy.
Enter Principal Raté.
Principal Raté: What's all this? I can't have this in our school! Mexicans and Chineseys! What's next? You all must go to my office now!
Rigger: Yo, dawg. I'm tripping the hissy to the shissy, 'till you can't stop the drop, yo.
Principal: No... This reeks of MULTICULTUALISM! You there! The sleepy Mexicans, Wendy's worker black, the Mathematician Chinesey. Come to my office!
Pablo: We're not always tired, dude. That's racist, man.
Flandango: (snoring)
Principal Raté: Now.
Exit Autistic Kid's Biking Gang, Ching-Chong, and Rigger.
Principal Raté: That's better. We must keep our races in line. The race for me is White Anglo-Saxon Protestants. Because... (Sings.) I am the rat king, I am the rat king, I'm a deranged man... I am the rat king, I am the rat king, I'm a deranged man... and Ra-ci-ism means, you can hate people. Ra-ci-ism means, you know what I'll show. Ra-ci-ism means, you can hate people. Make 'em burn! 1-2-3-more! (spoken) Ching chang China man, sitting on a fence. Couldn't make a dollar out of fifteen cents. (sung) Ching chang China. Ching ching chang chong. Ching chang China. Ching Ching Chang chong. Ching chang China... Ching ching chang chong, Ching chang CHONG! (spoken) Jews are weird. They make me shiver. To bad they can't eat pork's liver. (laughs) (sung) Oy oy kafkah. Oy oy shalome! Oy oy kafkah. Oy oy shalome. Oy oy kafkah. Oy oy shalome. Oy SHALOME! (spoken) Yo, I look at me, I have a gun. Me and my race are black sc – Oh, no, the drugs are kicking in. I better conclude, or I'll be done in. (sung) Bling...Bling...Getto...Bling, bling blang Blong...Bling Blang Getto... Oy oy shalom... Oy, oy kafkah... Oy oy shalome... OY BLANG CHONG! (spoken) Now to give the students a brief, non-racial talk about violence.
Exit Principal Raté.
Act 1 scene 2
Enter Popular Italian-American Children's Mafia of the Roman Rebublic.
Vinny: Oh, look. Da little Chinesey kids left us with a table.
Marela: Let's getta a pizza. Seeing as we can only take jobs as pizza chefs or organ grinders.
Vinny: Haven't I taught you guys anything?
Franco: Of course not! We're Italian. We don't listen well!
Vinny: No, idiot. You're forgetting the first rule of the Popular Italian- American
Children's Mafia of the Roman Rebublic.
Everyone in the table: What's that, Vinny?
Vinny: (Sings) You're all a disgrace. The Mafia's the place. (spoken) why, you ask? (sung) Stuff every race in a big paper bag! Stuff every race in a big paper bag. I probably don't know what I'm talk'in about, but Stuff every race in a big paper bag! Vinny: money bag, that is.
Marela: Wait. Does mean I should shun every race except for White Anglo- Saxon Protestants?
Vinny: Mama mia! What did I just say? (sings) You know... It never isn't working. My mind isn't twirking. I know what I waaaaaant! MONEY! Just do what I say and I'll make 'em all pay. 'Cause that's the grammatically wrong Italian way!
Franco: What? Are you saying just because people are different they should let us harass them?
Vinny: Why not? Viva Italia! Here comes a sucker now.
Enter Ching-lee.
Vinny: Watch my business skills, ladies. Hello Ching-lee.
Ching-lee: Hi Vinny.
Vinny: (whisper) Watch me make this chinesey girl buy something with my language skills. (bows) (talking) Hewwo, customew. I would like you to buy some chiiiinesey ancient seclet.
Ching-lee: What?
Vinny: Chocolate?
Ching-lee: Okay. How much?
Vinny: Fifty bucks – but, it's a five cent value, like your inferior non- Italian country!
Ching-lee: But that's not fair.
Vinny: We control the chocolate circuit around here, missy. Buy some damned chocolate or else. We're Italian. We know how to rough you up.
Ching-lee: No. Please. I don't have that kind of money.
Marela: I don't think we should try, Vinny. It wouldn't be nice.
Vinny: What?
Marela: (whisper) She's chinesey, stupid! She probably knows Kung-foo or Cha-ra-kee.
Franco: Kung-foo, whatever. All I know is that she's a girl and girls can't fight for mozzarella and bread sticks. I can take her on. Watch me!
Vinny: Okay. Ching-lee, come with us.
(Franco and Vinny carry Ching-lee to the tool shed.)
Vinny: Okay, here's the deal. Pay for your chocolate you asked us for and we kindly supplied you with, or Franco here'll mess you up.
Ching-lee: W-w-why?
Vinny: We're Italian.
Franco: And this is the Popular Italian Children's Mafia of the Roman Republic! We stand for violence and wrong doing for money.... Because I looove... (sings) mooooneeey –.
Vinny: No, I'm the leader of the Popular Italian Children's Mafia of the Roman Republic and only I can sing – or if we do one of those group dance shimmy things, like in the beginning. But, we'd need more people and lights.
Franco: Okay.
Vinny: I'll leave you two alone for now.
Act 1 scene 3
Principal Raté: I see you've all been messing around. What have you got to say for yourselves?
Pablo: We were just having a problem. It's that stupid chinesey's fault.
Rigger: Snap! Man, I just said "yo," and I was put in this un-getto place, homey. What's the dillyo, bro?
Enter bystanders.
Bystander 1: Must we sing the song again?
Rigger: Oh, sorry, no.
Bystander 2: Thank you.
Exit bystanders.
Principal Raté: You kids and your slang today. Do you know the problem with you colored kids and your petty quarrels?
All: huh?
Principal Raté: That's right. You guys might distract the white Anglo- Saxton protestant wasp kids from studying with their superior brains. All except for you, of course, Mr. Ching-Chong.
Ching-Chong: Hey!
Rigger: (sings to himself) 'Cause the principal is racist... Hey, I get the song now. Yeah, your just ra...
Principal Raté: How dare you talk that way to me, Rigger! One more Negro slur of yours and you'll be off to Detention! That goes for the rest of you too.
Flandango: (snoring)
Principal Raté: What's this, Mr. Mexicano? Sleeping on the job, huh?
Flandango: Oh, sorry senior. I'm just so sleepy. So sleepy...
Principal: Oh, my Mormon god! You just said a un-P.C. remark! That's it, I sending you all to permanent colored detention.
(Sings) You see, It's not your face, It's your damned race! Things'll be a lot darned different when you're erased! P.C. rules worlds. It bumbles and curls. Things'll be different when I rule the world! Killing is good. In a homey's hood. Things'll be different when I burn their wood!
Enter Miss Morris.
(Secretary) Miss Morris: Oh my gawd, sir. The tool shed cowwapsed! Two childwen have been trwapped.
Principal: Oh, no! I hid my crac... craps winnings in there! I must get it back so I can obliterate blac... bloopers in the school audio video movie. Come on. If you all help me get my drug... druid peace offerings from the tool shed, I'll nullify all your colored detentions. They're in a big white suitcase. Don't just stand there. Move!
Exit all.
Act 1 scene 4 (tune stolen from "Flower Drum Song.")
Ching-lee: (Buried, on top of Franco) What's happened, Franco?
Franco: What do you think happened? The shed blew. We're buried, dummy.
Ching-lee: What's the matter? Not going to get to get to hit me?
Franco: Shut up! Give me the money!
Ching-lee: We're in mortal danger and you still want me to pay? Could you be more ignorant?
Franco: I'll never get to do anything anymore! Sheesh! I want money.
Ching-lee: In my family, we sing to make things better.
Franco: What kind of chinesey song?
Ching-lee: You never give up. Here. (sings) I'm a real female, female and I know that I can get by In the home of the great survivors... (spoken) Come on, Franco. I'll help you. Like this: (sings) I'm a real female, female... Franco: I'm a real he-male he-male Together: And I know that I will get by
In the home of the great survivors...
I'd love... Ching-lee: Being a girl... Franco: Being a boy... Ching-lee: Liking a boy like you... Franco: Liking a girl like you... (they kiss)
Franco: What was that?
Ching-lee: You like me!
Franco: No I don't!
Ching-lee: "Franco," the first member of the Popular Italian-American Children's Mafia of the Roman Republic to fall madly in love with a "Chinesey girl."
Franco: It was just out of desperation. I hate you.
Ching-lee: Let me show you desperation. (kisses more.)
Sing Together: In home the great survivors... I'd love... Ching-lee: Being a girl... Franco: Being a boy...
Ching-lee: Liking a boy like you... Franco: Liking a girl like you...
Enter bystanders.
Bystander 2: Does he like her?
Bystander 1: Of course he likes her. They're both main protagonists.
Bystander 2: Yup, yup.
Exit bystanders.
Enter Autistic Kid's Dirt Bike Gang, Rigger, and Ching-Chong.
Pablo: Dios Mio! This is hard work. My janitor-style muscles are cramping.
José: Me too, Pablo.
Rumando: Me too, Pablo.
Flandango: (snoring)
Ching-Chong: Who is buried under here, anyway?
Pablo: Eh, dunno. I'm just a speaking Spaniard. I can't think strait. I think it's some Chinesey guy.
Rigger: I naturally assume that I'm muscular. This ain't none hard to do, son. Bling, bling.
Vinny: Oh, how about dat? My favorite labor races are all together. Mexicans, Blacks, and Chineseys.
Ching-Chong: What do you want, Vinny?
Vinny: I want to see what happened to Ching-lee.
Ching-Chong: Ching-lee? My sister?
Vinny: That's for me to know and you to find out. Now, where's the shed.
José: Oh, man, senior, the thing fell down.
Vinny: That must mean Franco's in there! Franco! Franco! Franco!
Rumando: Hey, senior, I think I found something.
(Awakening)
Ching-lee: Franco, we've been found. Wake up!
Franco: Ching-lee, your right! Hooray! Viva Italia!
Vinny: Franco! Franco! Franco! It's Franco! Franco! Franco! What happened? Why didn't you beat her up?
Franco: Good question.
Ching-lee: Let's celebrate, Franco! You invite your friends, I'll invite mine.
Franco: Go away. Never and not today.
Ching-lee: Why do you spur me away?
Franco: You didn't pay.
Pablo: You two are like tela novellas. My mama watches these after her box of Spanish licker. Everything rhymes when you've drank too much wine.
Flandango: (snoring)
Ching-lee: I understand. Goodbye, Franco.
Exit Ching-lee and Ching-Chong.
José: No! Franco don't leave her!
Flandango: What happened? So sleepy...
Pablo: Hey I found the suitcase! What? It's full of mama's "health bars."
José: Okay, man, let's go the principal and get out of here.
Pablo: Good idea. Let's go.
Flandango: Oh, man. I gotta stop doing pot.
Exit Autistic Kid's Bike Gang.
Vinny: Let's go too. I have an Italian based dessert with your name on it at home.
Franco: You go first. I'll catch up with you. I to... you know... do something that has to do with money or beating kids up today.
Vinny: Okay. Bye, Franco!
Exit Vinny.
Franco: I don't quite know what happened in that wreckage, but... I'm sorry, Ching-lee. People can't love outside their own race... (sings) I'm a real he-male he-male. And I know that love will prevail... In the home of the great survivors... I'd love... Being a boy liking a girl like you...
Exit Franco.
Cast of Characters: (Not in any particular order)
Principal Raté: Racist Principal
Rigger: African-American
Hashish:Arabian-American, likes to bomb, not popular
Bystanders:
Bystander 1: A bystander, Jewish
Bystander 2: A bystander, mixed
Autistic Kid's Dirt Bike Gang (Mexicans): Pablo: the leader
José: follower
Rumando: follower
Flandango: sleepy follower
Chinese:
Ching-Chong: brother of Ching-lee
Ching-lee: sister of Ching-Chong, in love with Franco
Hong Kong Connie: Mother of Ching-Chong and Ching-lee, owner of "Happy Sim Sum Ge Lestaulant"
Popular Italian-American Children's Mafia of the Roman Republic:
Vinny: the leader
Franco: Vinny's best friend, a strong guy
Marela: follower
Italians:
Mama: mother of Vinny and Gondola
Papa: father of Vinny and Gondola
Gondola: sister of Vinny
Junior Raté Socially Soviet Segregation Police:
Yuri: head of squad
Yow-ee-ski: lieutenant
Miscellaneous:
Police: the police
Random Crabby Lunch Lady: lunch lady
Act 1: L'ecole
Act 1, scene 1
Enter bystanders:
(Bystanders line up in the lunch line. Each kid salutes when each song verse finishes. They sing in unison)
Schule und Raté uber alles. Uber Alles in der shule. Wenn es shetz zu Schultz und Trutze. Bruderlich suzammen HALT!
When we go...
In that great war... Death and sorrow conquers all! School and Raté over all. Over all in the school...
(Sung)
Bystander 1: I hear the principal is racist.
Bystander 2: Really, really racist?
Bystander 1: And I know I'll get in trouble soon.
Bystander 2: why?
Bystander 1: Because I'm truly in jam. I can't eat ham, and shfitzing 'bout the whole damn thing. When your feeling right in trouble you'd better run on the double away from this awful school. The principal is racist.
All: really, really racist
Bystander 1: And he'll probably get you really soon.
Bystander 2: I'm black and your white. Two? That really makes me shite in our rotten principal's eye. Because the principal is racist.
All: Really Really Racist.
Bystander 1: And he'll get us all really soon.
(Bystander 1 and Bystander 2) Races can't exist, In this crazy mix, Of a curdled racism life! Just don't despair, Nothing's really there, This only a musical!
Bystander 2: So, the principal is racist.
All: really really racist.
Bystander 2: And I'm sure He'll get us really soon.
(Together)
Bystander 1: He'll really get you soon. You can't even swoon –
Background: He's really, really racist. Really, really racist. –
Random Crabby Lunch lady: What's all this Racket? PIPE DOWN.
Enter Autistic Kid's Dirt Bike Gang and Ching-Chong.
Pablo: Stay away from the Autistic Kid's Dirt Bike Gang, Ching-Chong! This gang's not for chinesey people! It's for tough kids, like us Mexicans! Isn't that right, boys?
José: Si.
Rumando: Si.
Flandango: (snoring)
Pablo: (whisper) Psst! Flandango!
Flandango: ...Huh... Oh, sorry, Pablo. I was sleeping. Oh, so sleepy...
Ching-Chong: For the last time, Pablo, I just wanted a spoon from the cafeteria line.
Pablo: Hey! He's insulting us with his stupid Chinesey language again. Let's get him, boys.
José: Si.
Rumando: Si.
Flandango: (snoring)
Pablo: For the last time, Flandango...
Flandango: oh, so sleepy.
Enter Principal Raté.
Principal Raté: What's all this? I can't have this in our school! Mexicans and Chineseys! What's next? You all must go to my office now!
Rigger: Yo, dawg. I'm tripping the hissy to the shissy, 'till you can't stop the drop, yo.
Principal: No... This reeks of MULTICULTUALISM! You there! The sleepy Mexicans, Wendy's worker black, the Mathematician Chinesey. Come to my office!
Pablo: We're not always tired, dude. That's racist, man.
Flandango: (snoring)
Principal Raté: Now.
Exit Autistic Kid's Biking Gang, Ching-Chong, and Rigger.
Principal Raté: That's better. We must keep our races in line. The race for me is White Anglo-Saxon Protestants. Because... (Sings.) I am the rat king, I am the rat king, I'm a deranged man... I am the rat king, I am the rat king, I'm a deranged man... and Ra-ci-ism means, you can hate people. Ra-ci-ism means, you know what I'll show. Ra-ci-ism means, you can hate people. Make 'em burn! 1-2-3-more! (spoken) Ching chang China man, sitting on a fence. Couldn't make a dollar out of fifteen cents. (sung) Ching chang China. Ching ching chang chong. Ching chang China. Ching Ching Chang chong. Ching chang China... Ching ching chang chong, Ching chang CHONG! (spoken) Jews are weird. They make me shiver. To bad they can't eat pork's liver. (laughs) (sung) Oy oy kafkah. Oy oy shalome! Oy oy kafkah. Oy oy shalome. Oy oy kafkah. Oy oy shalome. Oy SHALOME! (spoken) Yo, I look at me, I have a gun. Me and my race are black sc – Oh, no, the drugs are kicking in. I better conclude, or I'll be done in. (sung) Bling...Bling...Getto...Bling, bling blang Blong...Bling Blang Getto... Oy oy shalom... Oy, oy kafkah... Oy oy shalome... OY BLANG CHONG! (spoken) Now to give the students a brief, non-racial talk about violence.
Exit Principal Raté.
Act 1 scene 2
Enter Popular Italian-American Children's Mafia of the Roman Rebublic.
Vinny: Oh, look. Da little Chinesey kids left us with a table.
Marela: Let's getta a pizza. Seeing as we can only take jobs as pizza chefs or organ grinders.
Vinny: Haven't I taught you guys anything?
Franco: Of course not! We're Italian. We don't listen well!
Vinny: No, idiot. You're forgetting the first rule of the Popular Italian- American
Children's Mafia of the Roman Rebublic.
Everyone in the table: What's that, Vinny?
Vinny: (Sings) You're all a disgrace. The Mafia's the place. (spoken) why, you ask? (sung) Stuff every race in a big paper bag! Stuff every race in a big paper bag. I probably don't know what I'm talk'in about, but Stuff every race in a big paper bag! Vinny: money bag, that is.
Marela: Wait. Does mean I should shun every race except for White Anglo- Saxon Protestants?
Vinny: Mama mia! What did I just say? (sings) You know... It never isn't working. My mind isn't twirking. I know what I waaaaaant! MONEY! Just do what I say and I'll make 'em all pay. 'Cause that's the grammatically wrong Italian way!
Franco: What? Are you saying just because people are different they should let us harass them?
Vinny: Why not? Viva Italia! Here comes a sucker now.
Enter Ching-lee.
Vinny: Watch my business skills, ladies. Hello Ching-lee.
Ching-lee: Hi Vinny.
Vinny: (whisper) Watch me make this chinesey girl buy something with my language skills. (bows) (talking) Hewwo, customew. I would like you to buy some chiiiinesey ancient seclet.
Ching-lee: What?
Vinny: Chocolate?
Ching-lee: Okay. How much?
Vinny: Fifty bucks – but, it's a five cent value, like your inferior non- Italian country!
Ching-lee: But that's not fair.
Vinny: We control the chocolate circuit around here, missy. Buy some damned chocolate or else. We're Italian. We know how to rough you up.
Ching-lee: No. Please. I don't have that kind of money.
Marela: I don't think we should try, Vinny. It wouldn't be nice.
Vinny: What?
Marela: (whisper) She's chinesey, stupid! She probably knows Kung-foo or Cha-ra-kee.
Franco: Kung-foo, whatever. All I know is that she's a girl and girls can't fight for mozzarella and bread sticks. I can take her on. Watch me!
Vinny: Okay. Ching-lee, come with us.
(Franco and Vinny carry Ching-lee to the tool shed.)
Vinny: Okay, here's the deal. Pay for your chocolate you asked us for and we kindly supplied you with, or Franco here'll mess you up.
Ching-lee: W-w-why?
Vinny: We're Italian.
Franco: And this is the Popular Italian Children's Mafia of the Roman Republic! We stand for violence and wrong doing for money.... Because I looove... (sings) mooooneeey –.
Vinny: No, I'm the leader of the Popular Italian Children's Mafia of the Roman Republic and only I can sing – or if we do one of those group dance shimmy things, like in the beginning. But, we'd need more people and lights.
Franco: Okay.
Vinny: I'll leave you two alone for now.
Act 1 scene 3
Principal Raté: I see you've all been messing around. What have you got to say for yourselves?
Pablo: We were just having a problem. It's that stupid chinesey's fault.
Rigger: Snap! Man, I just said "yo," and I was put in this un-getto place, homey. What's the dillyo, bro?
Enter bystanders.
Bystander 1: Must we sing the song again?
Rigger: Oh, sorry, no.
Bystander 2: Thank you.
Exit bystanders.
Principal Raté: You kids and your slang today. Do you know the problem with you colored kids and your petty quarrels?
All: huh?
Principal Raté: That's right. You guys might distract the white Anglo- Saxton protestant wasp kids from studying with their superior brains. All except for you, of course, Mr. Ching-Chong.
Ching-Chong: Hey!
Rigger: (sings to himself) 'Cause the principal is racist... Hey, I get the song now. Yeah, your just ra...
Principal Raté: How dare you talk that way to me, Rigger! One more Negro slur of yours and you'll be off to Detention! That goes for the rest of you too.
Flandango: (snoring)
Principal Raté: What's this, Mr. Mexicano? Sleeping on the job, huh?
Flandango: Oh, sorry senior. I'm just so sleepy. So sleepy...
Principal: Oh, my Mormon god! You just said a un-P.C. remark! That's it, I sending you all to permanent colored detention.
(Sings) You see, It's not your face, It's your damned race! Things'll be a lot darned different when you're erased! P.C. rules worlds. It bumbles and curls. Things'll be different when I rule the world! Killing is good. In a homey's hood. Things'll be different when I burn their wood!
Enter Miss Morris.
(Secretary) Miss Morris: Oh my gawd, sir. The tool shed cowwapsed! Two childwen have been trwapped.
Principal: Oh, no! I hid my crac... craps winnings in there! I must get it back so I can obliterate blac... bloopers in the school audio video movie. Come on. If you all help me get my drug... druid peace offerings from the tool shed, I'll nullify all your colored detentions. They're in a big white suitcase. Don't just stand there. Move!
Exit all.
Act 1 scene 4 (tune stolen from "Flower Drum Song.")
Ching-lee: (Buried, on top of Franco) What's happened, Franco?
Franco: What do you think happened? The shed blew. We're buried, dummy.
Ching-lee: What's the matter? Not going to get to get to hit me?
Franco: Shut up! Give me the money!
Ching-lee: We're in mortal danger and you still want me to pay? Could you be more ignorant?
Franco: I'll never get to do anything anymore! Sheesh! I want money.
Ching-lee: In my family, we sing to make things better.
Franco: What kind of chinesey song?
Ching-lee: You never give up. Here. (sings) I'm a real female, female and I know that I can get by In the home of the great survivors... (spoken) Come on, Franco. I'll help you. Like this: (sings) I'm a real female, female... Franco: I'm a real he-male he-male Together: And I know that I will get by
In the home of the great survivors...
I'd love... Ching-lee: Being a girl... Franco: Being a boy... Ching-lee: Liking a boy like you... Franco: Liking a girl like you... (they kiss)
Franco: What was that?
Ching-lee: You like me!
Franco: No I don't!
Ching-lee: "Franco," the first member of the Popular Italian-American Children's Mafia of the Roman Republic to fall madly in love with a "Chinesey girl."
Franco: It was just out of desperation. I hate you.
Ching-lee: Let me show you desperation. (kisses more.)
Sing Together: In home the great survivors... I'd love... Ching-lee: Being a girl... Franco: Being a boy...
Ching-lee: Liking a boy like you... Franco: Liking a girl like you...
Enter bystanders.
Bystander 2: Does he like her?
Bystander 1: Of course he likes her. They're both main protagonists.
Bystander 2: Yup, yup.
Exit bystanders.
Enter Autistic Kid's Dirt Bike Gang, Rigger, and Ching-Chong.
Pablo: Dios Mio! This is hard work. My janitor-style muscles are cramping.
José: Me too, Pablo.
Rumando: Me too, Pablo.
Flandango: (snoring)
Ching-Chong: Who is buried under here, anyway?
Pablo: Eh, dunno. I'm just a speaking Spaniard. I can't think strait. I think it's some Chinesey guy.
Rigger: I naturally assume that I'm muscular. This ain't none hard to do, son. Bling, bling.
Vinny: Oh, how about dat? My favorite labor races are all together. Mexicans, Blacks, and Chineseys.
Ching-Chong: What do you want, Vinny?
Vinny: I want to see what happened to Ching-lee.
Ching-Chong: Ching-lee? My sister?
Vinny: That's for me to know and you to find out. Now, where's the shed.
José: Oh, man, senior, the thing fell down.
Vinny: That must mean Franco's in there! Franco! Franco! Franco!
Rumando: Hey, senior, I think I found something.
(Awakening)
Ching-lee: Franco, we've been found. Wake up!
Franco: Ching-lee, your right! Hooray! Viva Italia!
Vinny: Franco! Franco! Franco! It's Franco! Franco! Franco! What happened? Why didn't you beat her up?
Franco: Good question.
Ching-lee: Let's celebrate, Franco! You invite your friends, I'll invite mine.
Franco: Go away. Never and not today.
Ching-lee: Why do you spur me away?
Franco: You didn't pay.
Pablo: You two are like tela novellas. My mama watches these after her box of Spanish licker. Everything rhymes when you've drank too much wine.
Flandango: (snoring)
Ching-lee: I understand. Goodbye, Franco.
Exit Ching-lee and Ching-Chong.
José: No! Franco don't leave her!
Flandango: What happened? So sleepy...
Pablo: Hey I found the suitcase! What? It's full of mama's "health bars."
José: Okay, man, let's go the principal and get out of here.
Pablo: Good idea. Let's go.
Flandango: Oh, man. I gotta stop doing pot.
Exit Autistic Kid's Bike Gang.
Vinny: Let's go too. I have an Italian based dessert with your name on it at home.
Franco: You go first. I'll catch up with you. I to... you know... do something that has to do with money or beating kids up today.
Vinny: Okay. Bye, Franco!
Exit Vinny.
Franco: I don't quite know what happened in that wreckage, but... I'm sorry, Ching-lee. People can't love outside their own race... (sings) I'm a real he-male he-male. And I know that love will prevail... In the home of the great survivors... I'd love... Being a boy liking a girl like you...
Exit Franco.