Disclaimer: I absolutely do not own Star Trek Voyager or anything recognizable!

A/N: I know this type of thing has probably been done before, but here's another one. Also, for anyone who's interested, I haven't forgotten about the 'Unexpected Surprise' sequel. I'm working on it now, but I figured I'd go ahead and post this while I finish the sequel. This is meant to be purely comical and not to be taken seriously. Enjoy!

Welcome to Voyager! Whether you're a Delta Quadrant native seeking refuge on board, a recruit recently acquired, or a long time Starfleet officer, this list of need-to-know information and tips will help you survive the perilous journey you're undertaking. Read the following list carefully and your stay here on Voyager will be much smoother!

1. If you see the Captain in the mess hall without coffee stay away until she has coffee.

2. If Commander Chakotay takes a shuttle out for a mission be prepared to loose said shuttle.

3. The Captain needs coffee.

4. Anyone who tries to deprive the Captain of coffee will be held in the brig until further notice.

5. If Commander Tuvok starts coming down with 'the flu' just stay away and let him have your sheduled holodeck time until it passes. It's better for everyone that way.

6. If Lt. Torres tells you to do something, just do it. She has no problem breaking your nose or any other body part she sees fit.

7. The Captain will support her Chief Engineer in most 'disciplinary actions' that are needed….so don't bother complaining about a broken nose.

8. Caffeine is good.

9. Seven of Nine will not answer to 'Annika Hansen' nor will she answer to 'little orphan Annie'.

10. The Captain does not like her pet borg to be referred to as a 'pet borg' or 'borg drone'. Therefore take your life into your own hands if she hears you refer to Seven of Nine in this manner.

11. Your life is forfeit if you drink the Captain's coffee.

12. If you 'accidentally' drink Captain Janeway's coffee the best strategic move would be to hide in Sickbay and hope the Doctor doesn't force her to report for her physical.

13. The only two people who will get away with calling Kathryn Janeway 'Kathy' while she's in Captain mode is Q and Q Jr. Do not attempt this if you wish to remain at your current rank.

14. Tom Paris is not an overgrown slug.

15. If you go to the holodeck make sure to take back-up.

16. Kes is not a glorified elf.

17. Jokes are illogical. Seven of Nine will not partake in any illogical or superficial actions such as these…so stop with the pranks while you're ahead.

18. Naomi Wildman is not to be referred to as the first member of 'Voyager: Next Generation'.

19. Captain Janeway is always right. If you think she's wrong you should have your brain cells checked for functionality.

20. If Captain Janeway is wrong refer to the previous statement and get back to work.

21. Harry Kim should not be called 'the Captain's Ensign'. When such statements takes place he tends to play with the time frame to distract himself.

22. Time travel gives the Captain a headache. You do not want the Captain to have a headache.

23. Neelix's 'better then coffee substitute' is not better then coffee. In fact it should not even be categorized in any beverage group related to coffee…or any beverage group period.

24. If Commander Chakotay and Captain Janeway start talking quietly and leaning towards each other, just look the other way and pretend you saw nothing.

25. If you see the Doctor heading towards the holodeck just turn around and do not follow.

26. When landing a starship don't forget the parking brake.

27. If someone asks for your DNA just say 'no'.

28. When the Captain says 'now' she does not mean 'in a minute'.

29. Only Q Jr. is allowed to call Icheb 'Itchy'.

30. Commander Tuvok will not laugh, so don't bother to reprogram his replicator to sing 'If You're Happy and You Know It' every time he orders tea.

31. If the lights are out and you're wondering the halls be prepared to be hit with Tal Celes' tool kit. She will attack first and ask questions once you're incapacitated.

32. Coffee is an important asset to the ship's continuing function.

33. Do not offer to 'get out and push'. The Captain will take your volunteering seriously if needed.

34. Personal boundaries should not be crossed…publicly.

35. Neelix is not a giant tribble who can talk.

36. Crewman Gerron is not to be used as a teddy bear…no matter how cute you may think he is.

37. If you see the Captain talking to a consol don't panic. She has not yet lost her remaining sanity, she is simply having a conversation with her ship.

38. The bond between Captain and ship is special…do not interfere.

39. The First Officer is not Captain Janeway's personal bed warmer. Should you chose to refer to him as such you will find yourself cleaning plasma conduits while the Captain and First Officer enjoy dinner in her quarters.

40. Should you spot Commander Chakotay leaving the Captain's quarters in the early morning hours do not ask questions. Simply report to Lt. Paris and place your wager in the latest betting pool.

41. There are no betting pools on Voyager…officially speaking.

42. Provoking the borg is a bad idea.

43. Provoking Captain Janeway is an even worse idea.

44. The kazon are not 'glorified Klingons'. Should you choose to make this statement Lt. Torres will be readily available to explain the difference.

45. The senior staff is not a 'posse'.

46. Do not hide Harry Kim's clarinet unless you want him to start singing.

47. Coffee. Black. That's all you need to know.

48. Messing with space/time paradoxes may sound fun, but they only lead to painful scenarios which Captain Janeway will then have to fix and therefore have no time for coffee.

49. Do not ask Captain Janeway and Lt. Paris what they named their slug children.

50. Kathryn Janeway is the Captain. Should you forget this she will be more then willing to explain it to you in detail.

51. Dismissed does not mean continue to speak.

52. If you ask the Doctor about socially acceptable customs be prepared for a step-by-step explanation of the reproductive process.

53. When Lt. Torres and Captain Janeway are in the same room be ready to feel inferior in every way…especially intellectually.

54. The senior staff is not the 'J-Team'.

55. Feet belong on the floor, not Captain Janeway's desk.

56. Never sit in the Captain's chair unless you're ready for trouble.

57. Shore leave is not for 'experimentation with foreign species'.

58. Queen Arachnia is not Captain Janeway's evil twin.

59. If, at any time, you feel the need to mutiny just remember one thing…Captain Janeway fully indorses Starfleet's hanging of mutineers.

60. Coffee can power a Starship when in the right hands.

Now that we've covered the basics, keep these tips in mind the next time you interact with your fellow shipmates. Remember, these are not the only rules and need-to-knows that you should be aware of. There are many more out there and many more possible hazards lurking around the corners, but as long as you follow the above advice you should manage to live longer then those who do not. For more information consult with your fellow crewmen and eventually you may begin adding your own 'need-to-knows' to this survival guide. Good luck and stay away from nebulas!

A/N: Thanks for reading! What did you think?