My oblivion story (title pending)

Chapter 1

They are several places I'd rather not wake up in, in bed with an orc, the middle of the nibenay basin. The imperial prison isn't quite as unpleasant, but it isn't great either. The unpleasantness is compounded significantly when your cellmates are an obnoxious dunmer and an irrepressable Breton mage. "Soooo what are you in for?" asked my dapper companion, I decided maybe murderess wasn't going to go down so well with him even if it did shut up the dunmer so I played down my circumstances...somewhat "uh... J walking "Ah..." evidently he wanted to open a dialogue so I sighed inwardly and indulged him "So what's your story kid?" He smiled sheepishly "nothing serious really in fact comparatively harmless-" "out with it kid" "Wwweeellll there was a...slight misunderstanding involving a scamp and the Count Indary's vintage wine collection, incidentally did you know scamps prefer the 84' vintage to the 96'? I'm Juan by the way, Juan Pierre Skiprieay," he finished "Right, I'll call you Skippy" I replied drolly. He looked like he was going to protest when I signalled for him to shut up, I listened intently. Suddenly we heard voices one of them disturbingly familiar but I couldn't place her. "our job right now is to get you to safety," firm yet reassuring, professional they were close now and so was the memory. They halted in front of the cell "What are these prisoners doing here!" angry now, of course how could I either forget? The illustrious, indomitable, irresistible Captain Renault "Captain!" I called out "It's been far too long!" "Stand back Prisoner! We won't hesitate to kill.....you," She stated "Me," I agreed. Perhaps I should explain, me and Renault go way back, back to when I was still in the thieves guild and she was a palace guard. During this time a string of break ins occurred in the palace perpetrated 'allegedly' by me after which I became known as The emperor's houseguest due to the ease with which I came and went through the palace. Infamy is, naturally not the greatest ally of your average thief so I called it quits on the palace break-ins, but not before the palace guard started an investigation headed by the recently promoted Sergeant Renault who, eager to show her stripes and nab another promotion pursued me with the tenacity of a clanfear and I must confess I had to use every trick in my extensive book to stay one step ahead of her. After a cat and mouse game of three years we cultivated a...respect for each other, I respected her sense of loyalty and duty, she respected my resourcefulness and daring, it wasn't exactly a friendship, but I feel in another life we would have been inseparable. My nostalgic reverie was interrupted by the woman herself "Back up Calin!" she snapped, "And don't even think about trying anything!" I held up my hands in a gesture of "who me?" but Renault wasn't buying it. Turns out the party was The Emperor and his loyal guards making their way to safety. Eventually Renault got tired of eyeing me and indeed everything suspiciously and the party left through a passage conveniently hidden behind the wall of our cell. After about five minutes I got up and started walking down the previously mentioned passageway. "well?" I called over my shoulder. "Well what?" replied Juan who was now, in my mind anyway irrevocably Skippy "Surely you're not considering actually serving your sentence are you?!" I cried the very idea was repellent to every immoral fibre in my body. I signalled to Skippy to be quiet as the emperor and his guards continued on, unaware of the red garbed assassins following them, suddenly, a high elf (I'm aware the term is politically incorrect but I've never met a high elf I liked and this one was off to bad start) Stood up and let out a battle cry, A battle cry! What kind of a half assed assassination attempt was this! For starters there was like twenty of them, now red robes and battle cries! I started moving stealthily towards them "Ah Calin?" whispered Skippy nervously "where are you going?" "To teach these clowns how a professional does it," I muttered. The blades had already set up a defensive perimeter around the emperor, how they'd managed to set up a defensive perimeter with three people was beyond me but they'd managed it, I was glad I hadn't had to assassinate the emperor. The blades were swarmed by a sea of red they held up admirably and I noticed that the Emperor was holding his own with an Elegantly decorated silver short sword not bad for a what? Eighty years old? Without further thought I snuck into the melee and ahem commandeered a dagger from one the assailants then proceeded to stab any enemy dumb enough to turn their back to me, which was most of them focused as they were on the emperor. Eventually all of the assassins were either stabbed(me) slashed (blades) or frozen solid (Skippy) The Emperor turned to me and said "You! You are the one from my dreams!" "Whoa," Now I'm not unattractive blonde, shoulder length hair decent figure if I do say so myself good muscle tone, maybe not as...curvy as some but I like to think not all men are mammary obsessed. Most. But not all.

But really wasn't he getting a little old for that? Time to fall on one of my favourite social exit strategies, the imaginary boyfriend "Uh I'm real flattered and all but..." He chuckled "No, no child you misunderstand, Not that kind of dream, the portent telling kind," Praise the Nine that could have been awkward! "What sort of...portent," The older blade stared daggers at me, his hand on the hilt of his katana "Uh, your Grace," I added quickly. He laughed "I have little need for formalities, for I am not long for this world," "What makes you say that?," I asked cautiously. This was getting weirder and weirder. The Emperor smiled albeit tiredly "It is the dragon's blood that flows through my veins, I see things no ordinary person does," "Like what?" asked Skippy, unable to contain his curiosity any longer. The Emperor looked at him in astonishment "Praise the Nine! You are the other one from the dream surely this is providence, you must travel with us," "Where are we going, I hate surprises," I said frowning "I go to my death," he said simply. Well there's a mood dampener if there ever was one. As the party started off I noticed a glint of gold amongst the sea of red clad bodies "No...," I whispered I knelt by her body and suddenly her eyes flickered open. Briefly "Of all the people to die with, it had to be a double-crossing bloody thief," She whispered feebly "Of all the people to die it had to be a stubborn, bloody guard," I half laughed half choked. She laughed, clear as a bell. "Calin, do something good for once in your life," she whispered getting quieter "Pro...tect the...Emperor," Her eyes shut and I screwed mine closed to keep the tears at bay unbuckled the swords at her belt and stood up. She will not have died in vein!

I took a shortcut through a natural cavern full of goblins and stepped back into the crypt in front in front of the party. "Hey," said Skippy, "where did you run off to?" he asked, a look of confusion on his face "Visiting a friend," I said, unwilling to elaborate "Here take this," I said handing him a dagger I'd taken from a goblin who'd got in my way, distasteful creatures. "But I don't know how to use this!" he protested "It's not that hard just stick 'em with the pointy end and if the wound doesn't get them the tetanus will!" I growled impatiently "Oh that reminds me, take this," I said unshouldering the staff I'd taken from a goblin If there's anything more distasteful than a goblin it's a goblin that knows magic. "Hey, neat," he said admiringly. Holding the staff at arm's length to examine it better. "Just make sure to point it at the enemy!" I snapped.

"Dammit!" he yelled, pounding at the gate "'Cause that's really going to help," I said snidely "Do you have a better idea prisoner!" Snarled Glenroy "If you'll move I can pick the lock!" He grumbled and looked mean some more but finally moved aside and I got down to work.

There I said straightening up "The doors unlocked," "Great-," said Glenroy moving forward "Not so fast, I said the doors unlocked, it's also barred from the other side. "With what!" roared Glenroy "With something heavy, most likely a bar," I said struggling to keep the edge out of my voice "Hey there's a side passage over there," suggested Skippy trying to defuse the situation "Fine let's go!" I snapped.

"Uh wait, wait sorry guys it's a dead end," said Skippy, grinning sheepishly "We'll have to defend ourselves until help arrives," Growled Glenroy "Help! There won't be any help we are the help," Yelled Baurus in frustration. Suddenly in a blur of maroon and the sinister rustle of polyester, the assassins struck again in greater numbers Glenroy never even got his sword out before he was crushed by a mace. Baurus fared somewhat better "You two!" He yelled "Protect the Emperor!" "Got it!" I yelled there was no way I was going to let down Renault twice.

The situation was bad, Baurus and Skippy had been backed into corners. Baurus had lost his katana and was displaying unforseen hand to hand prowess, Skippy was boxed in too tightly to use magic and was flailing about with the staff to great effect. Working back to back with the Emperor I managed to clear some breathing space. Suddenly The Emperor sighed and turned to me "Take this," he said thrusting a large amulet towards me "For my time is up, you must close shut the jaws of Oblivion! Find Jauffree Find my son!" "Behind you!" I screamed as Skippy flew into me knocking us both into an inconveniently placed wall.

'Ughh," I woke up with an ear splitting headache and bruises all over but other than that I was fine "Wh-what happened? And Where's the Emperor!?" I demanded groggily "Well uh, some Altmer guy was leading the assassins, he was a lot stronger than he looked, and he picked me up and threw me into you," "Great, fine," I said impatiently "But where's the Emperor," "He's uh, that is to say-" "He's dead!" Cut in Baurus bitterly "We were supposed to protect him and we failed!" "They must have taken the Amulet of Kings too!" "You mean this?" I said dangling the amulet The Emperor gave me "That's it! But why did he give it to you?"He asked "He said something about finding Jauffree, said there was another heir and to "close shut the jaws of Oblivion" you wouldn't know anything about that would you?" I asked. "No idea, but you should go see Jauffree immediately, he's-" "Grandmaster of the blades, posing as a monk at Weynon Priory," He looked at me suspiciously "Or so I've been told," I added hastily "Well, in any case the sewers shouldn't give either of you trouble, here take this key," "Keys are for amateurs," I sniffed

Chapter 2

As we lay on the beach outside the Imperial city contemplating life, death and freedom I looked at Renault's sword by my side, I knew I should've given it to Baurus but I couldn't bear to part with this last reminder of my old rival and in the end it was a simple matter of illusion magic to trick him into taking a steel short sword instead of her blade. I knew that what I was feeling was guilt, guilt that I'd let Renault succumb to wave after wave of gaudily clad assassins, Honestly! Bright red robes! Where was the courtesy? Where was the dignity? I always wore black in my assassin days, black goes with everything, even bloodstains. My astoundingly deep thoughts were interrupted by Skippy, who was lying next to me. "A Septim for your thoughts?" he asked nonchalantly, "I'm going to find out who did this Skippy, I'm going to find them and make them pay," "but first, we're going to invest in some new clothes," "how? We're broke remember?" "Skippy, if there's one thing the Imperial city's got, it's fast money now c'mon those septims aren't going to acquire themselves," "I hate how you say acquire like that," he muttered,

I threaded my way through the tavern crowd to where Skippy had miraculously acquired a table from two young imperial women, apparently the whole chocolate puppy dog eye boyish good looks are quite popular with the younger generations of lady, I never would have guessed, although I do love chocolate. "Skippy! Stop flirting and listen, I may have found some paying work" Skippy shot a last mournful look at the women who were cooing and fluttering their eyelashes like there were bees stuck under them. Please. "What were you saying?" he said finally "I said! A shopkeeper by the name of Jensine wants us to investigate a rival store owner whose prices are ridiculously low," "Fine sounds good," He replied glancing over his shoulder. "Hey cheer up Skippy, if were quick we can make it back in time for dinner with Charlene and Darlene over there," "There names are-" "I really don't care," I interjected, draining my glass and Skippy's for good measure" Now let's go, we have work to do,"

"Shh!" I hissed at Skippy, after tailing Thoronir for the better part of a week it had finally paid off, he'd snuck into a secluded garden and met with a Nord by the name of Agarmir "hmm," I mused later at the tavern "Do you know this Agarmir?" inquired Skippy. "I know of him, he's a light weight but for a respectable businessman to be associating with him is suspicious at the least," "So what's our next move?" "I'm going to take a look through his house," "How? He keeps it barred from the inside remember?" 'Well Skippy, I'm glad you asked, your going to lure him out," I grinned devilishly "Oh boy," he muttered going visibly pale

later

"I still think there's a better way to do this!" he hissed furiously I stifled a laugh and told him to "Shut up and look seductive!" "How!" He hissed back " Flutter your eyelashes and smile a lot laugh when he's joking and look impressed when he's not. And above all try not to notice if, no when he stares at your chest," "One question," "Yeah?" "Why aren't you doing this?" "Because you can't pick locks and one of us needs to get inside- Shh! Here he comes!" "What! Whaddya want?" yelled Agamir lumbering into view "Quit knocking I heard y- well hello there little lady," said The Nord displaying a mouth of cracked, yellow teeth "Well hello yourself big boy," Skippy practically purred. Big boy, what a ham, Skippy went on "I'm new in town and I was wondering if you could um, maybe show me where the inn is?" he fluttered his eyelashes for good measure. I flashed back to what I considered a rare stroke of genius and what Skippy considered a rare stroke of madness "YOU WANT ME TO WHAT!" He practically yelped "All I'm saying is that you have a thin frame, longish hair, huge eyelashes, you could pass for a young girl easy," "NA ah!" "calm down," I said soothingly "it's not as if you have to sleep with him or anything," "That's not the point!" he retorted "It's an affront to my manhood!" I tried to keep from laughing and "Please," I said shocked at myself, I couldn't remember the last time I'd said please to anyone I wasn't planning on killing or robbing blind, possibly as a small child wheedling candy out of reluctant adults, still it worked. Smiling at the memory as Agamir led Skippy off to the merchants inn I walked casually over to Agamir's front door, checking that the coast was clear for guards, I took out a set of lock picks and smiled, time to go to work. The sound of the tumblers falling into place was music to my ears. The door opened easily to my gentle touch and I strolled into the house as if I owned it, I poked through the drawers in is main room and living quarters other than a disturbing amount of frilly pink underwear. I decided to try my luck in the basement where I hit pay dirt with an odd ledger. Flicking through the names my blood ran cold. Several of the people in this ledger I knew to have recently died and as I alighted on one name in particular, a funeral I had attended looking for work I realised the items next to the name were the things he'd been buried with, so this had been Thoronir's source of cheap goods. After collecting Skippy We held a discussion about what to do with the ledger Skippy wanted to confront Thoronir to see if he knew where the goods were coming from I simply wanted to collect our fee and wash our hands of the whole business, I'd buried people professionally for years but not even the Dark brotherhood digs people up again, the vanquished deserve some dignity. Finally I agreed to talk to Thoroir to see if he was innocent or not, and then to confront Agamir and stop him. After talking to Thoronir and discerning he was innocent we learned that Our friend and a heavyset gentlemen of indeterminate age had an "errand" in the imperial city cemetery We exchanged glances and set off at a run.

Arriving in the cemetery I noticed muffled sounds coming from an old mausoleum we entered to find Agamir and the HG hard at work digging up someone "HALT!" cried Skippy in his best Imperial Legionnaire voice, which was to say terrible I rolled my eyes this kid could really lay it on. The two men, startled turned around, when they saw that the intruders were a skinny Breton and a Bosmer woman on the slight side they relaxed "What's a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?" he leered "Oh I was looking for you!" "And why was that sweet cheeks?" he continued to leer. Resisting the urge to stab him right there "Because you pathetic excuse of a two bit criminal, we know where you've been getting your goods and if your goods and if you don't come quietly then we shall be forced to inform the imperial watch!" Agamir stopped leering and started scowling "Then you know too much," Skippy took a step back and said "hey," but I moved forward. Fast. Renault's katana moved fast and The HG was dead before he took two steps but agamir was a different matter. I stepped back into a defensive position and eyed him warily looking for a weakness while my opponent did the same. He was quick for a Nord and he lunged for my left side like a viper I turned his blade but was rewarded for my troubles with a nick below my wrist. His blade hummed and I realised it must be enchanted, suddenly I felt bone-achingly tired, this was bad, I could feel my reflexes slipping and my vision was blurred. Agamir, sensing weakness, upped the attack forcing me into a corner. I summoned the last of my strength parried his attacks and tried to slip around him and get some breathing room and tripped on an uneven paving stone. I hit the ground. Hard. So this was my end, killed in some dank tomb by a grave digger Me! The Silencer of Lucien Lechance! Master thief of the Thieves guild! At least I could give Renault back her katana...Agamir stood over me, savouring victory, about to plunge that accursed sword into my heart...when he burst into flames. Aiming a fireball at two people who are engaged in close combat is difficult when you only want to hit one but when they stop moving it's easy, even for Skippy, who struck without hesitation, and saved my life. "Not bad Skippy...Not bad at all," I managed.

Chapter three

I awoke in an inn lying on a bed, mercifully in the clothes I'd been wearing. "How long have I been sleeping?" "Oh several hours now," replied Skippy absentmindedly "Your concern," I said sarcastically "Is touching," "Please, I waited until the enchantment wore off than I carried you back to the inn," he said studying the sword which had caused my condition. "How?" I asked knowing full well my slight friend couldn't carry me more than a few steps, let alone as far as The Merchant's inn. "Feather spell," he replied simply "Are you feeling well enough to travel?" he asked me "Oh yes," I replied the smile returning to my face "Come Ski-Juan, we have an Emperor to find," Surprisingly he grinned back at me.

"What do you think we should do with the sword? Juan asked as we walked down one of the many chromatically named roads in Cyrodiil. Other countries have roads with fantastic names, the road of Bleak Horn battle, the road of lost souls, sunshine buttercup lane(hey it's different) we, on the other hand, get Green road, Yellow road, even Daedra have better sounding roads than us. In my idler days I've often imagined, in the formative years of the empire, a little man, working at a little desk, in a little room. He sits there, hunched over maps and parchments. His brow furrowed in concentration he scribbles something on the parchment only to scribble it out, muttering all the while "Maybe... no, no, no that will never do," "Perhaps?...foolish just foolish," Finally he stands up, the glint of inspiration in his eyes. "I've got it!" he cries! (Disturbing all the other little men at all the other little desks) "We'll name them after colours!" By Sheogorath's cane we're a dull lot. "Well?" said Juan, annoyed at my inattention "Hmm? Oh the sword, keep it, it's always good to have a weapon around and this one will make a good memento of the first time you saved my life," I smiled I was smiling more this past week than I had in my entire life, maybe Juan bought it out in people."But for the god's sake put it through your belt it'll do us no good in your pack if bandits attack I snapped!" He burst into laughter" "Your impossible!" He managed between giggles "Fine, fine," I said impatiently "just take it out or we will be attacked," "This one will have your money or you lives," said a voice ahead of us. "Speak of the devils," I muttered under my breath. Bandits have always been, and continue to be a huge nuisance for travellers who can handle themselves and a grave danger to those who can't. I wasn't worried however even taking into account the two bandits behind us. I poked Juan with three fingers and he nodded to show he understood. "Wouldn't that be our money or our lives and our money?" he asked nonchalantly "Or quite possibly our money than our lives or our lives than our money?" he added. "This one is tired of your games!" snarled the khajiit pulling a huge war hammer from his back. I nodded at Juan and we whirled around and dispatched the two bandits behind us I with a throwing knife strapped to my ankle and Juan with a well placed thunderbolt. At the same time Juan summoned a scamp to hopefully slow down the khajiit. It didn't work. With a howl of rage the Khajiit ploughed into the scamp swinging his war hammer leaving the creature flat on the ground. Hitting the dirt and grabbing Juan we only just managed to avoid the wild blows rolling left managed to draw Renault's blade in time to make a slash at his thigh which only seemed to enrage him. I rolled again to avoid another attack and hit a tree which I used to pull myself to my feet, thinking quickly I grabbed a branch above me, lifted myself off the ground and launched a powerful, two footed kick to his face, hoping the blow would knock him out but it merely caused him to stagger back and roar some more. It was however, plenty of time for Juan to loose another thunder bolt. The Khajiit turned to face Juan and hefted his war hammer menacingly Juan looked at me in panic. And I plunged my sword into his throat. "FREDERICK!" gasped Juan and ran to the felled scamps side "Your telling me you gave that thing a name?" I said in disgust "Everything's gonna be okay buddy," he mumbled, ignoring me while he searched frantically through his bag for a healing potion, "There's gotta be one in here somewhere!" He moaned rummaging desperately "Oh Gods Frederick!" he wailed I had to admit the scamp didn't look so good. It's skin had gone visibly paler and it's breathing had grown ragged. "Calin you have to help him," he pleaded unleashing his patented puppy dog eyes on me. I sighed "I'll go make a healing potion, "I didn't know you could that," he said confused. "Please, I grew up in Valenwood even the children know nirnroot from nightshade," "This means a lot to me," he said quietly tending to the scamp. I turned and went in search of ingredients.

"Here you go," I said brightly tossing him the vial. "For that special someone, or something in your life," I beamed with a plastic smile "Very funny," he muttered snatching the potion and feeding it to the scamp which coughed, sat up, coughed some more than promptly disappeared back to whence it came ( author's note: I couldn't resist using the word whence, it's catchy say it. Whence.)

"So what's the deal with...uh Frederick?"I asked unable to contain my curiosity any longer "He was the first creature I ever summoned, I saw the spell one day in Edgar's discount spells one day so I got a job and saved and saved for months and finally I could afford him, he's been my trusted travelling companion ever since," "Not to be rude but scamps aren't especially known for their fighting prowess what on Nirn do you use it-him for?" "Watchdog, torch bearer, lighting fires mostly," He replied as though it was the most natural thing in the world to light fires with small Daedra. "Is that why the food always tastes like brimstone?" I asked suspiciously "Uh yeah probably to be honest food tastes strange to me now if it doesn't taste like brimstone, you get used to it," "Why don't we stay at an inn tonight," I said sceptically.

I surveyed the inn with distaste, dank, gloomy and what on Nirn does Wawnet mean anyway!? "Juan what does Wawnet mean anyway?" I asked curiously. "I'm not sure we want to know," he replied, taking in the inn with equal distaste "Oh well, it can't possibly be worse than your cooking!" I teased.

Agreeing unanimously to leave early for Weynon Priory we bid Wawnet adieu and set off once again along the Great Road. After a few hours of travelling, we came to a fork in the road and decided