The atmosphere of relaxation, peace and quiet that filled Alicia's apartment tonight was jazzed up and lightened up by a presence that she had been missing for way too long. She put two glasses on the kitchen table and glanced towards the living room at the familiar figure sitting on her couch. She poured some red wine, while smiling to herself, then took the glasses and walked to sit next to him.
"Here, take it," she said softly, as she snuggled up to her father, pampering herself under his caresses. She breathed deeply into his cologne. She always loved her dad's cologne, it was a familiar smell, so personal, that brought to her mind so many childhood memories. For a moment, it felt like she had gone back in time and was daddy's little girl again.
His light, soft touch was so comforting, soothing and relaxing at the same time. Such a sharp contrast with the feeling of uneasiness and discomfort she felt under her mother's caresses. How could two parents be so different? How could two parents make a daughter feel so different in the first place? She had always wondered how that could be.
"So… how's my girl doing? Owen told me about the promotion…" He asked, his dad's pride showing off through his wide smile and the gleam in his eyes.
"Yes… you are sitting with an equity partner!" She said with a sigh. She couldn't say she wasn't happy and honored by the promotion. But everything that came with it, everything that happened before and after the promotion was still a source of reflection. Her mind couldn't stop reliving the initial excitement, the letdown at the realization of Diane and Will's real aims, the fight with Will and everything that happened later.
"But it's no bed of roses like you thought it would be… am I wrong?" Her father asked, understandingly.
She couldn't hide anything from him. Not that she ever wanted to hide something from her father. He was the only person around her whom she could trust blindly. The only man who would never do anything to hurt her.
She sighed heavily to swallow the still lingering feeling of displeasure and aversion from the lies. She would have expected it from Diane. After all, she was her boss – though not anymore now – and her first interest was to save her firm. But Will… how could he lie to her like that? He had looked straight in to her eyes, filled her with fake compliments about her amazing job, about how she deserved it, when it was about everything but her abilities as an attorney.
She wanted to lie to her father, to tell him that everything was perfect, but gave up the idea straightaway. He wouldn't buy any of that. Not him. Not when her life seemed to be falling apart again. She got the promotion, yes… but what about everything else? She was at a point in her life when all her certainties were starting to vacillate once again. She didn't know what she wanted from her marriage. Did she still want her marriage anyway? And what happened a few nights before with Will… We should avoid being in the same place alone together… It sounded logical and wrong at the same time.
"I don't know what I want from my life anymore…" Those words, spoken out in a resigned whisper, were the painful admittance that something needed to change, but she had no idea of what and in which way.
"It happens sometimes…" Her dad reassured her. "Some decisions are hard to make and some are hard to accept once made," he said, placing a soft kiss on her forehead.
Alicia smiled at the pleasant contact, as she slowly sipped her wine, trying to absorb the liquid and his words at the same time.
"They are even harder when you don't give yourself the time to think them through," he concluded.
"How did it feel when mom told you she wanted to divorce?" She asked very quietly, her gaze lost somewhere over the cupboard.
Her father didn't answer straightaway. He sighed, sipped some wine, as he looked straight ahead. In all of this, he never stopped for a moment to cradle her. "It felt like a failure." He said, with disarming honesty. "Painful… ill-chosen… something to be ashamed of. It hurts to see your marriage falling apart and not having a chance to try and save it." He said, as he looked back at her. "Plus there were you and Owen…"
Alicia nodded. Grace and Zach had been through so much, that the mere thought that she could do something, anything that might hurt them made her sick. "Is that why you fought with mom? For me and Owen?" She asked, looking back at him. She realized that it was the first time they were having an open, honest conversation about their respective marriages.
"Yes," he admitted. "It took me years to realize how wrong it was…"
Wrong. Alicia stared at him, perplexed. "What do you mean?"
"Look at you… look at Owen… you both became amazing adults in spite of what you've been through, or thanks to what you've been through… who can say?" He said with a shrug and a light smile.
She looked away, pensively. Was he implying that everything they went through was only a phase of their lives and nothing more?
"Sometimes the right decisions are the hardest ones." He sipped some wine, put the half-empty glass on the coffee table, then gave his full attention to his daughter, holding her in a warm, tight embrace.
"Mom gave me a happiness speech last time she was here," she said matter-of-factly, as an undertone of anger and discomfort flooded in as she remembered the conversation. "I think it's so selfish…"
"Selfishness and happiness sometimes walk hand in hand…" He suggested.
"Do you think I should be more selfish?" She asked, though she wasn't completely sure she'd like the answer.
"I'm your father… I only want you to be happy, selfish or not," he said, giving her a light smile.
Alicia nodded. Her mind kept going back to all the recent events. "There is someone…" she whispered, confident that her father wouldn't ask too many details or make some jokes like Owen had the habit of doing.
"Someone, who?" He asked, probably interested more in the meaning of 'someone' than to his identity.
"Someone I might have feelings for…" She admitted for what was probably the first time.
"Might and feelings are a bit generic…" He said, jokingly, as to relieve a bit of the sudden tension.
"I know," she smiled.
"Why are you telling me?" He asked. Alicia knew very well that her father wasn't used to throwing out causal questions. Where did he want to go with this?
"I don't know," she shrugged. And she was honest. She had no idea. What did she expect from him? Advice? A solution? That he would decide in her place?
"I think you know…" He whispered. "Or we wouldn't be having this conversation."
Alicia nodded. Decision. Choices. Happiness. Selfishness. Those were too many concepts and feelings to deal with at the same time, but she knew that he was right. He always was. After all, he was her dad.