I believe that you think no one's noticed. You know me so well, don't you? When you look in my eyes I know you see things living there. But this time, you think I haven't seen what's happening. You think that I'm like everyone else, for this.
I'm never like everyone else, Santana. I tried to tell you that. Are you ok and can you tell me something wouldn't fit in my mouth so I just said please and hoped you would know what that meant. Please was bigger than all the other words, anyway. But it has got lost in between us, because you just look confused and like you can't hold on to anything. You look like-I can't recognize it. I can't tell if you are about to cry or frown, or both, or neither. Your body moves and it is like something waking up. You shake your head but it can't be a reply to my word. It's a shake that is twisted up with what you have just done. A shivering thing that makes me feel weak.
The first time it happened, and I stood there listening to you be sick on the other side of the bathroom door, I felt tight in my body, like it didn't fit me anymore. You scared me. You scare me. You scare yourself, too, I think.
The first time it already felt familiar but I didn't want to believe it would happen again. But it has. It is. You're near me and also somewhere so far from me that I am afraid no one can bring you back. Hearing you again is a sound that makes my mind feel like it's tumbling and it won't ever stop.
Every time I try to make my please into more words, I feel a fist in my chest and something clenches in my mouth like my teeth are gasping, like there's someone pulling the air out of my mouth, and I want to sit down. The words I want to say to you. What are the words I want to say to you? I am afraid I will lose them. Or I am afraid I won't ever have found them. Is that what I mean? You make me not sure.
I want to say this: I am here. And I want to make it stop. I want you to see. I want so much, and it's not for me anymore. It's all for you. I want for you.
I will play you music, so maybe you will hear what I am saying to you. I'll dance with you. I'll hold your hand whenever it comes near mine. I'll smile at you in the choir room. I'll try to make you understand that I can see you. I will try to show you that it's not too late, I'll try to show you things, I'll try to make it stop by loving you.
Then maybe, if I am so careful. Maybe, if I give you things. Maybe, if I wait for you to see me seeing you.
Maybe I will wake up one morning and turn to you in my bed and know that your smile is matching up with your thoughts. Maybe. If I say it enough, will it be true?