"Gee, Natla," said international explorer and friend of wildlife Laura Croft. "Can't we all just … get along?"
Natla snarled sinisterly, her indecently long fingernails and generally minxy attitude making the bile rise in Laura's perfect fake-tanned throat.
"Listen, bitch," snarled the evil and immortal Queen of Atlantis. "You may have made your way up from the trailer park in Abbingdon Massachusetts with your international modelling career and good deeds, but you ain't royalty like moi. I'm European – almost French – but you! You're just poor half-Mexican white trash!!"
Laura sighed daintily, brushing a blonde lock of hair back from her chiselled Latina cheekbones.
"It's people like you, Natla, that make the world a less fun place," she replied. "I want to save the rain forest and stop the exploitation of donkeys in Egypt, and you just want to rule the world with evil ugly clones who have no concept of freedom or democracy. Somewhere inside you is a frightened little girl who didn't get enough attention as a child and who probably felt excluded at high school – you probably hung out with the Twilight fans – and now you're taking your revenge, when all you need is a good therapist."
Natla's eyes glittered insanely like a nasty foreigner in an Indiana Jones movie. Stepping forward she placed an icy alien hand under Lara's chin in what appeared to be a slightly pervy gesture not approved of in the Bible.
"Listen, little Missy," she hissed sibilantly like a sinister serpent from Slytherin. "You're just some dumb bimbo who happens to have been born into the world's only remaining superpower, and it's only natural that you feel that you have some divine right to rule the world and impose your bland concepts of civilisation everywhere. But I'm a gonna bring you down. You think Al Qaeda was bad. Well wait until they get a load of me."
Natla threw back her head and cackled very loudly. "Bwa hahahahahaha ha ha ha hahahahahaha!"
Laura took advantage of Natla's self regarding insanity to execute a move she'd learned in cheerleading squad. She back flipped across the tastelessly decorated Atlantean chamber and with an angelically cute pirouette slammed her toe against a switch that had written on it (in an ancient script deciphered by her father) "Do not push".
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" said Natla, falling to her knees melodramatically. "My pretties! You've switched off the supply to all my pretties! My incredibly clever plot to rule the world using technology built in Indosnesia using Shinto designs concepts by Vikings who were really amnesiac scientists from the Lost Continent of Mu is all going tits up!!!"
Laura smiled gently as she was hoisted to safety by a helicopter sent by the United Nations.
"Overact much?" she quipped as she was whisked away to save the world another day.