The U.S.S. Sacred Heart travels at high warp. Stars streak by
Kelso's voice goes over the Bridge scene as he sits there, "Captain's log, stardate 0507.02. The Sacred Heart is traveling to the Omicron theta System to check up on a settlement that has not returned our subspace calls. I have increased warp speed so we'll still make out scheduled computer upgrade. Millions of recipe from many races, and yet only about 50 flavors of muffins. Go figure."
"Any particular reason you increased warp there, Bob-O?" asks Cox.
"I just like warping space. Give's me something to do."
"You are aware it damages the fabric of space, right?"
"Perry, space is about the size of my ex wife's ass -- an endless expanse I'll never explore. Tear a hole here or there ... we'll just go around it."
"You hopeless romantic," Cox replies sarcastically.
"bite me. Ensign Ted, what's the ETA to the colony?"
Ted plays with his hair, looking at it's reflection in the black control panel.
"Ensign Ted, usually when I ask questions I expect answers, especially since Starfleet won't allow me to phaser whip ensigns anymore."
"Sorry, sir, just teasing my quaff," presses some buttons, "20 minutes, sir."
"Good. Just where the hell is out other Ops officer?" asks Kelso.
Elliott interjects, "Ah, he's in his quarters," says in an inner voice, "sound-proofing the bathroom so he doesn't hear me when I use it..."
"Ted, go tell Mr. Jada he's needed on the Bridge."
"But, sir, I'm navigating the ship."
"Acting ensign Ted -- the ship doesn't need you anymore than ensign Tisdale."
"She changed quarters and her subspace frequency number."
"It's called natural selection. Oh, and pick me up a Tea, Earl Grey, hot, from 10-Forward."
"Ahhhhh..." Ted sighs.
Turk's voice chimes over, "I'll get him, sir."
Kelso says, "Don't forget my tea--"
"Turk out. Peace!"
"Damnit."

...
Jada's quarter's doorbell chimes.
"Come in."
Turk enters.
"Wassup, J.G. Dizza--"
"Ah ... ahhh ... ah-chu."
"What are you doing?"
"Practicing sneezing."
"What -- did you program yourself to have a cold?"
"A cold what?"
"You know we're nearly at your home world?"
"Yes, and I am all agog with excitement."
"That was pathetic beyond words, and what the hell does 'agog' mean?"
Turns to face Turk from the mirror, "Turk, we talked about expanding your vocabulary..."
"Hey, I am the chief engineer. I don't have time to be reading Webster's 24th Century Dictionary. I got to make sure everything is in order for the computer upgrade. Don't want to lose containment or something like that."
"Anyway, I will be glad to revisit home," Jada heads to the entrance doors.
"You can never go home again..." says Turk.

Turk and Jada walk down a corridor.
"Dude, I totally hacked into the shift schedules."
"And?" asks Jada.
"And what do you think? Tonight ensign Turner and Lt. Hutch will be pulling duty in biometrics together."
"Awesome! I cannot wait to see it. There is something oddly compelling about 19th century television."
"Hell yeah there is; 19th century TV brought us the Brady Bunch."
They both say together: "Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!"
Jada speaks after, "It appears some maintenance officer has left this Jeffery's Tube hatch open."
"Probably Doug. When something bad happens down there, we call it a 'Doug', 'cause 98% of the time it's him," they walk off after Jada re-seals the hatch, "I don't even like leaving him alone over there."
A thud comes from the other side of the Jeffery's Tube hatch.
"Hey..." some movement, then the hatch unlocks and falls to the ground; the janitor sticks his head out and sees Jada walking around the corner with Turk, "That's ONE..."

Turk and Jada enter the Bridge.
"Approaching the planet now, captain," says Elliott.
"Standard orbit, miss Reid."
"Preparing for standard orbit. Entering standard orbit."
"Lt. Reid, I don't need an update every two seconds on matters baring no importance to the operation of this vessel."
"Does that mean I should call off the order from 10-Forward?" she asks.
"Just make sure that orbit is standard," says Kelso in a piffy voice.
Elliott says quietly to Jada who passes by, "Yes!" and makes a little fist.
"Way to go," smacks her on the butt.
She smiles and follows him away with her eyes. She suddenly feels another smack and turns quickly to see Turk.
"Turk, what are you doing? There will be no smacking of my ass by you or any one else. Again. This," points to it, "belongs to J.D.."
"Oh, I'm ... curse this blindness!" and turns away quickly to the Engineering Ops station.
"Mr. Jada, is it true you hold the memories of all the colonists?"
"Yes, sir, 411."
"What a coincidence -- I have the countless memories of you annoying me," says Cox.
Jada spins around in his Ops chair he had just sat in, "Why do you hurt me when I show you nothing but love?"
"Ah, captain," Elliott speaks up.
"The chair recognizes one skittish walking make-up activity," says Kelso.
"Sensors aren't detecting any colonists, or activity."
"Impossible; last ship there reported 411 like EVE here said," Cox comments loudly.
Kelso sighs heavily, "There go my dinner plans at the starbase. And they have a fantastic selection."
"You can clog you arteries here just the same," says Cox.
"Fine. Number one, assemble an away team."
"What -- you're not coming?"
"I'd like to join the away mission, Perry, but I got an away mission with a blueberry muffin," opens his mouth and takes a bite of half a muffin, "away," threw chewing food and raising his eyebrows.
"Gandhi, Barbie, Galatea, doomed ensign in the red shirt, come with me," Cox strides quickly to the turbo lift. Everyone else enters.
"Dude -- we are about to totally get freaky with a mystery," says Turk.
Jada replies, "Excellent; I am all agog!" he announces in the turbolift loudly. Everybody stares at him as the doors close.

"You got those coordinates locked in?" Cox asks the transporter room ensign.
"Yes, sir," says ensign Keith.
"That's a good little transporter chief," steps onto a pad.
"We are transporter pad friendzies; see -- mine is right next to you," says Jada to Cox.
"Mark my words, I will find a way to physically hurt you."
"Make sure you got those coordinates entered in right, ensign Keith. You remember what happened the last time."

FLASHBACK.
An away team materializes on the pads. The sparkling fades on all but one who still transports. IT starts glowing widely and screams emerge until the sparkles fade and a pile of goo remains.
"Dude!" shouts Turk
"I didn't mean it!" says Keith.
"So, does this mean her quarters will be up for grabs. I hear it has got a lovely view of the aft end of the ship," asks Jada.
END FLASHBACK.
Keith retorts, "I did not kill Lt. Commander Mickhead's wife -- someone sabotaged the system!"
"A likely story. Energize," says Jada.

Cox and team survey the devastated landscape.
Turk, kneeling over the ground with a tricorder, "Sir, this ground is colder than a Romulan mistress."
"That's impossible; last ship here reported fertile farmland," says Cox.
Turk replies, "I'd say by these readings everything was either dead or dying about the time the last ship here left."
"There," Jada points with a tricorder, "I was found 20 meters that way," starts walking.
Everyone catches up.
"Oh, just what the hell is a meter? What are we in, France?" says Cox.
"20 meters is the equivalent of 65.5 feet using the current measurement system."
A-hem," Turk pokes at Jada, "Dude, he was being sarcastic."
"Oh. Hilarious satirical musing, sir. I am sure no one else laughed because they were not paying attention."
Elliott speaks, "so, what's it like being home again?"
"Oddly uncomforting. It has all been destroyed. No one I knew is even here. It is a lot of people to deprogram from the Hug Schedule."
"My V.I.S.O.R. is picking something up..."
"The Orion Slave Girl subspace channel?" asks Cox.
"That's sexist. Sir," says Elliott in a huff.
Cox squints evil eyes at her.
"Ah-huh ... very clever the way they hide this..." says Turk, looking at a wall face.
"Now, I'm no expert in hiding things, but I'm reasonably sure it's not a toughie when dealing with a blind man."
"You know, I find that remark incredibly insulting, especially coming from a man whose hair is running away from his forehead," steps away from the wall of dirt which opens to reveal an underground facility.
Bright white florescent light turn on and a hum fills the empty corridors.
"Sir, as chief of security I highly advise I go in first."
Cox folds his arms and says with sarcasm, "As a high ranking executive office on a suspiciously dead planet entering a mysterious underground complex, I say ... ladies first."
Elliott draws her phaser and enters.
Cox signals for Jada to enter and speaks, "Newbie, I said ladies first."
"fine," Jada utters as he walks by.
They all look around. Cox enters a room, they follow.
"Barbie, why don't you and useless red shirt go look around."
"Whatever. Ensign Cabbagio, come on," storms out.
Jada walks around with a tricorder while Cox fools with items lying around.
"There are a number of sophisticated work tools about; maybe this room was some kind of repair station. Yes. The room is starting to feel familiar now."
Cox pulls down a ceiling holding unit and picks up a mask.
"Dear Kahless, please tell me there are no more of you."
Jada snatches the mask and puts it on his face, "It is like a jock strap for my face."
"It's a plastic mold, dummie."
"Scans show there is something inside this large storage unit."
Cox presses some controls panel buttons. the unit hums. Jada opens the large doors; the sound of air decompressing and shooting out in cold smoke happens.
There, in a bathtub, sitting up straight, is a frozen android with what appears to be a beer in his right hand.
Jada looks in awe.