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"We totally don't do enough theatre crap here," cried Dumbledore during is speech at the welcoming feast

"We totally don't do enough theatre crap here," cried Dumbledore during is speech at the welcoming feast.

"We're going to perform The Sound of Music, but I've rewritten it to jazz it up a bit."

The whole great hall was abuzz over this announcement.

"It's called The Sound of Music and Sex, and it will feature many graphic sex scenes between multiple characters, so, naturally I'm allowing students AND faculty to audition. Come prepared to cum!"

The twinkle in Dumbledore's eye was practically set on "Kill" and it lazered its way through Justin Finch-Fletchley's head.

"I guess he won't be getting a lead," smirked Draco and he stepped over Justin's dead carcass. Goyle kicked it.

"Hey mudblood," Draco called to Hermione, "Will you be trying out?"

Hermione just scoffed and ignored him because he was a stupid boy. What she really wanted to say was YES.

For years she had been harboring a secret dream to be a famous star. This was her big break.

Little did she know that someone else felt the same way.

Severus Snape was bitchy and severely fucked up in the head. He was perfect for theatre. It was a good thing he was the other person I was talking about before. He wanted to be a famous performer too.

The next day, Dumbledore held auditions in the Room of Requirement. Students were lined up for miles to audition for The Sound of Music and Sex.

Hermione got up on the stage and looked very nervous. She started to sing her song but then vomited for eight minutes straight.

"This is wonderful improvisation, Hermione," Dumbledore encouraged, "but I'd really like to hear you sing."

The last of the vomit made its way onto Draco's face and she attempted her song again.

"I'm singing I Can Tell by the 504 Boyz," she told Dumbledore.

She opened her mouth and instead of gallons of puke, a beautiful voice rang out like a sweet, sweet bell.

"You ain't gotta say too much
From the look in your eyes
I can tell you want to fuck"

The entire room, especially Snape, was entranced by her singing. They couldn't wait to hear more but she soon got scared again and stopped singing. It was as if she was waiting for a singing partner to help her give her a strong heart or something like that.

Just as she was about to fling herself out of a window, Snape joined her on stage. He the song very well because it was what his mother used to sing to him to help him go to sleep.

Hermione's eyes filled with tears when she heard is silky silk voice.

"And you ain't gotta call me ya boo
Just as bad as you wanna fuck
I wanna fuck too"

She looked into his eyes and saw a glimmer of love. She looked down at his crotch and saw a massive erection. It was meant to be.

The finished their duet and by the time they were done the entire room was in tears. The engaged in a passionate kiss and Dumbledore applauded.

"It's about time you two got together," he shouted, "Snape, you should have tapped that from the first day she got here. I know I would have."

Harry then ran up to Dumbledore.

"Dumbledore, aren't you gay now?"

"Oh yeah," he said, "Never mind."

The next day Dumbledore posted the cast list;

Maria- Hermione Granger

Sergeant Sex- Severus Snape

Fritz- Ron Weasley

Bitsy the Cat- Harry Potter

Duchess VonBitchface – Draco Malfoy

Sergeant Sex's 6 children- Ginny Weasley

"The first rehearsal starts in 4 minutes!" shouted Dumbledore.

The cast followed him into the room of requirement and he had them do some warm ups.

"First, I want you to all get naked," he said, "We're going to play a game of Hide and Fuck."

"How do you play that?" asked Hermione as she ripped off all her clothes.

"It's really just a way to get us having sex because that's what people want, isn't it?" Dumbledore said.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Snape asked, "What people?"

Dumbledore's twinkle faded as he looked off to the right.

"Sometimes I feel like people are out there writing stories about us and coming up with the craziest plot devices to get us naked and horny……but that's just silly! Now for a rousing game of Hide and Fuck."

The cast played for 23 hours. They rehearsed for one hour which was good because the next day was the big premier!

Hermione was in her dressing room wearing a floor-length silk green nighty that had a silver snake pattern wrapping all around it. In each snake's mouth was a charm that had the Slytherin crest. On each crest was another snake holding another crest. On that crest was the initials of Salazaaaar Slytherin. The S's in the initials looked like snakes holding crests.

Snape came into her dressing room.

"Hey baby," he said holding a big bag of weed, "Let's smoke this."

Hermione started crying.

"Don't you know that drugs are bad?"

Snape looked sad and realized she was right. He ended his drug problems right then and there.

"I like the nighty you got me," Hermione said.

Snape didn't answer, but ravished her with intense ravishing. They did it about 13 times in a row. Then they stopped to smoke the pot and did it 7 more times.

Ron came in and saw them getting high.

"You shouldn't do that!" he cried.

They were sent to rehab and came back just in time for the opening number.

The opening number started with Ron wildly humping Sergeant Sex's 6 children—played by Ginny. Ron was really getting into character.

Once that was done Hermione popped out of a giant lemon and sang Hump Every Mountain. Snape popped out of the lemon too and humped her mountains.

The show lasted 7 hours and the audience loved every minute of it. It was a good thing a big Broadway producer was there.

"Dumbledore! I want to put this show on Broadway" he said.

Dumbledore sold him the rights and they all became stars on Broadway.

They were on a plane to New York when it crashed into a mountain. The pilot took a left when she should have taken a right. Everyone died except for a majority of the people on board.

This mountain was on a island that was like a tropical paradise. It was so hot that everybody had to wear bikinis and speedos.

They had to find a way to survive.

A/N- I wrote this initially as a one shot but I might continue it. Please read and review so I know what to do. Thanks so much!