This is my slightly late addition to the Valentine's Day lineup. For those who know me, you can probably imagine I'm not a huge fan of this holiday. In fact, I usually drown myself in horror movies on this day. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy romance and love (hell, despite my general cynicism, I like to imagine myself a bit of a hopeless romantic), but I hate the fact V-Day has become so commercialized and puts ridiculous expectations on men and women to buy each other gifts and, in general, be with each other, as if people are only whole if they're with someone, that single people are to be pitied.
So you gotta know that Sarah Walker agrees with me. Now, I've written fluff, and I've written Liam-fluff. This is the latter.
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V-Day
By Liam
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It was shortly after 7 pm when Sarah heard a commotion outside her hotel room. She set aside her champagne flute and slid from the bed, crossing the room and peering out the peephole. With an exasperated sigh, she pulled open the door.
"What the hell are you guys doing?"
In the hallway outside her room, two men were locked in a peculiar position. Shaw appeared to have Chuck wrapped in a headlock, but the bigger agent was flat on his back, folded up, Chuck putting his full weight on the man, crushing him.
"Happy Valentine's Day," Chuck choked out.
"We brought chocolates," Shaw gasped.
"And flowers."
Two arms thrust forth from the mass of appendages, one from each man, bearing a bouquet of red roses and a red heart-shaped box of Godiva chocolates.
"I'm touched," Sarah dryly stated.
"Won't you be my Valentine?"
"No! Mine!"
Sarah watched as the men grappled for position and threw a few odd elbows and punches.
"Jeez. However shall a girl choose?" She turned away, lightly kicking the door shut behind her. She apparently caught someone's hand in the process, judging from the painful howl. "Oops. My bad." Though she hardly seemed apologetic about it.
Confused by her attitude, the two men seemed to come to a truce. They slowly stood, untangling their gangly limbs, and separated with a flurry of girly like slaps and a push.
"Sarah, are you okay?" Chuck asked.
"Sure. Why wouldn't I be?"
Shaw looked around. The room was lit only by candlelight. Albeit, it was lit by vast amounts of candlelight. The bed was freshly made, adorned with pink and white silk bedclothes. Rose petals were strewn over the floor and sheets.
And then there was Sarah. She was completely dolled up. Her makeup perfectly done, her blonde hair made into soft, wavy curls. She wore bright red lipstick to match the mid-thigh length red silk nightie and stiletto heels she wore.
"Uh, Sarah," Shaw began. "Are you expecting company?"
Sarah reclaimed her champagne flute and took a sip, carefully considering the men before her. A red impression of her full lips was left on the rim of the glass. "No," she simply said.
"Ah." Shaw still appeared confused. "But, uh, the room… What's the deal?"
"Well, it IS Valentine's Day," Sarah stated the obvious fact.
"But if you're not spending the evening with someone," Chuck began.
Very delicately, Sarah smoothed out her nightie and sat on the corner of the bed. She crossed her long, slender legs, the bare white skin tantalizing in the candlelight. "Oh, but I am," she declared. "I'm spending the night with the most wonderful person I know. Me."
Both men blinked in confusion. Shaw spoke first, saying, "I was hoping we might spend the evening together."
Chuck nodded enthusiastically. "What he said, except replace you and he with you and me."
Sarah simply bobbed her leg and took another sip of champagne. "Is that right? Tell me, gentlemen, why should I?"
Chuck and Shaw struggled for an answer. The men looked to each other, each hoping his counterpart might provide a suggestion. Finally, after several long moments, Chuck finally said, "Because it's Valentine's Day?"
"Because I like you?" Shaw followed.
Sarah laughed a humorless laugh. "Right," she drawled. Her attention first went to Chuck. "Because V-Day went SO well last year. You spent all your time pushing the buttons on your GameBoy when you could have been pushing MINE."
Shaw snorted with laughter. But his mirth was short lived when Sarah's glare turned on him. "And you? Jeez, last week you were grieving your dead wife. Now this week you're putting the moves on me. Yeah, that's respectful. Makes me wonder if you were slipping roofies into my coffee."
Sarah stood, annoyed. She turned away from the boys and moved to the small dining table set up a few feet away. The remains of a lobster dinner could be seen on her plate. She lifted the champagne bottle from the ice bucket and refilled her glass.
"Could you two be any more presumptuous? Who says I have to follow script and be with either of you?"
"Uh…" the boys stupidly drawled.
"Oh yes, woo me with your sweet words."
"You know what the problem with men is?" With a wry smile, Sarah amended, "Okay, let me clarify. Men are nothing BUT problems. Do you wish to know the one I currently refer to? The fact that men assume that a beautiful woman like myself can only be happy if I'm hanging over one of you lot."
As the boys continued to stand there and gaze stupidly, Sarah opened her own box of chocolates and picked a piece. They watched, entranced, as the beautiful blonde bit into the morsel and savored the taste. A bit of gooey caramel dangled from her bottom lip and she ran her tongue along to lap it up.
"Mmm," she lightly moaned. "I've spent my whole life letting men define who I am. First my father, then Arthur Graham, then Bryce Larkin, then you two. And you know what? You guys have done a pretty shitty job of it."
Sarah dropped the remaining bite into her mouth and chewed. Then, one by one, she popped her chocolate and caramel covered fingers into her mouth and sucked them clean. Chuck whimpered. Shaw casually removed his suit coat, folded it, and held it over his…waist.
"Seriously, all guys do is spin me about and make me act out of character." Sarah laughed again, once more with little humor. "Though that's sad to say. I'm not quite sure who Sarah Walker even is. But I'd like to find out. Sorry to say, but I won't be spending my Valentine's Day with either of you. Tonight I have a date with myself."
"A date?" Shaw asked.
"With yourself?" Chuck questioned.
"How else am I to learn about myself? Isn't that what dates are for? Discovering about the person you're with?"
"Uh…I guess."
"Well then. That's what I'm doing. I've spent so long trying to please others and hoping in return that they'll love me that I've forgotten to please and love myself."
"But what about us?" Chuck asked.
"Yeah, what about us?" Shaw agreed.
Sarah rolled her eyes. "Hell-ooooo, were you guys even listening? This isn't about you. For once, it's about me. It's time Sarah Walker got a little consideration around here, instead of being just a foil or puppet. And frankly, at this point, I'm too good for either of you. Because I'm intelligent, beautiful, worldly, funny, and I wear really hot cut off shirts bearing catch phrases from popular sci-fi programs. I'm practically the perfect woman. In fact, I'd like to say loudly and proudly, that I, Yvonne Strahovski, am too good for this pitiful little show I find myself in."
"Wait, who is Yvonne Strahovski?" Chuck questioned.
"What do you mean, show?" Shaw asked.
"Huh?" Sarah retorted, not even listening to them. She quickly moved on, not minding their words. "I'm not turning by back on men forever, but I don't need one to make me feel good about myself. I can make MYSELF happy. That's what today's been about."
Sarah sat at the dining table and sipped her champagne. "This morning I went shopping. I treated myself to this jaw-dropping ensemble." On cue, both Chuck and Shaw snapped their jaws into proper place. "Then I went to Barnes and Noble and bought the entire Sookie Stackhouse book collection. Do you know how long it's been since I've been able to enjoy simply lounging around a bookstore? I had a mocha cappuccino, a lovely strawberry pastry, and read for two hours. It was HEAVEN."
Sarah paused to consider. "No, I suppose heaven was the scented bubble bath I took after going to the movies. But then, the rest of the night is shaping up to be quite lovely, too."
"The rest of the night?"
"I'm going to order some pay-per-view. I'll start off by finding the goriest, bloodiest movie on demand and laugh my ass off. Then I'll crack open that other bottle of champagne chilling in the fridge, order a more adult selection from pay-per-view, break open that brand new pack of Double AA batteries, and show myself just how much I love me."
Shaw cleared his throat, embarrassed. Chuck frowned, not immediately getting the inference. When it finally hit him… "Oh!"
"Now, if you two jackasses are done gawking at me in lingerie, you can kindly go screw yourselves. Lord knows you won't be screwing me."
Each man tried to think of something clever to say, but it wasn't happening. With a sigh and shrug, Chuck and Shaw turned around and shuffled away.
Sarah popped another chocolate into her mouth and chased it down with a drink. With a self-satisfied smile, she said, "Hey Fedak, Schwartz. Know the guy who wrote this fic? You fucktards could learn a thing or two from him. I'm my own woman, bitches." She tossed back her drink. "Way too good for this show. This dude better finish that TV pilot he's working on for me. Or I'll go Adorable Psycho on his ass."
THE END