The Bracelet
A/N I originally planned this as a three part story. In my head it worked as a trilogy, giving me time to cover how I imagine Gwen's return to Camelot could go. However, I then struggled to find the time to do the trilogy I had in mind the justice I felt it deserved. So I settled on writing a one-shot, a long one-shot. It probably isn't at all representative of how Gwen will return, but it did make me feel better after the sadness of Lancelot Du Lac, which broke my Arthur and Guinevere loving heart. I still want to smack Morgana, and I would like to do something painful to Agravaine with a hot poker, but I'm back in my happy place now. Please read and review. I like reviews, what can I say?
By the time they reached the city walls dawn was breaking over Camelot, the half-light casting shadows through the gloom. There was not a soul around except the two of them, and although Gwen was glad, she knew she would not be able to bear being stared at and judged by those she considered to be her kin, the silence made the lower town seem almost eerie. Gwen shuddered and sighed convulsively, pulling her cloak closer around her body. She was reminded of all those weeks before, the morning she was forced to leave, with only Merlin to watch as she gathered the few belongings she would be able to carry and dragged her simple cart away from the only home she had ever known, and the only man she had ever truly loved, the man whose heart she had broken for reasons she still could not explain, even to herself. The shame she knew would never leave her washed over her again and she stilled for a moment.
Merlin, realising his friend had stopped walking, halted by her side. "Not much further now Gwen and you'll be back in your own home. You'll be able to have something to eat and a decent sleep. You must be exhausted after….." He stopped talking abruptly, unable to put in to words all that Gwen had been through. Instead, he forced a smile on to his face and brightened his tone. "You'll be back with your friends again, where you belong."
Gwen smiled wanly. "I don't know how many friends I'll have now Merlin." In spite of herself her lip wobbled tremulously. She swallowed hard on the sting of tears, refusing to cry any more. She had done quite enough of that lately and it hadn't changed anything.
Merlin turned slightly to face Gwen and looked at her seriously. "Well, there is me for a start, and Gaius and Arthur…." He stopped talking again, kicking himself for his clumsiness.
Gwen shook her head, deeply touched by Merlin's clumsy attempt to comfort her, but also aware of the reality of her situation. She knew better than anyone that things would never go back to the way they had been before, especially with Arthur. She knew as soon as he'd walked away from her when he pronounced her banishment. He would never forgive what she had done to him. "I doubt Arthur will care much that I'm back." Her gaze stretched the brief distance beyond the city gates to where the castle walls stood tall and proud in the early morning mist. "It is kind of the King to allow me back to Camelot after what I did, but I know that he must hate me now, and I can't say I blame him." Gwen chewed her lip as another wave of feelings washed over her.
To Gwen's surprise Merlin chuckled. "Arthur doesn't hate you Gwen, he could never hate you."
Gwen tore her gaze from the castle ahead and stared in confusion at her friend. "But after what I did, he must…." She shook her head. Merlin beamed in response. That confused her more, and her brow arched. Then she had a thought, a horrible thought.
"Wait a minute Merlin, Arthur does know I'm back doesn't he? This isn't just some wild scheme of yours to smuggle me back into Camelot, because if it is, I swear I…..You could get me executed!" Panic ran through her veins turning them to ice. Merlin couldn't be quite that naïve could he, to assume that he could bring her back to Camelot and then work on Arthur to take her back? Gwen knew better than anyone, that wouldn't work. As much as Arthur was different to Uther in so many ways, all the ways that mattered, she knew she was proof of that by virtue of the fact that she still lived, he was still a Pendragon. Once his mind was fixed that was it. He might not want her dead, but her presence, the audacity of returning when he had warned her not to on pain of death, would force his hand.
Seeing the fear in Gwen's eyes, Merlin pushed down an urge to laugh and steadied himself. Still, the knowledge he had held back from Gwen all the way from Longstead, in spite of how much she'd poked and prodded for some explanation as to why Arthur had suddenly revoked her banishment, made him smile in satisfaction. "Arthur knows you are back, no one is going to execute you. Everything is going to be fine."
Gwen looked Merlin in the eye. She had known since he found her in Longstead that he was holding something back. Merlin had an honest face, his feelings shone through his eyes. He was not telling her something, but what? She took a deep breath and calmed herself. "What are you not telling me Merlin?"
Merlin laughed and shook his head. "Can't tell you Gwen, Arthur said that if I told you he would….." Merlin flinched and then coloured. "Well, I can't tell you what he said he would do to me, but let me just say that I value my body parts where they are thanks, so I can't tell you." He shrugged apologetically.
Gwen sighed heavily. "Merlin please" she wheedled, hoping her desperate tone might persuade him. All the way from Longstead she'd tried everything else, including trying to trick him in to saying something that would give him away. She'd failed hopelessly, and all the time Merlin had looked more and more pleased with himself.
"No", he replied, smothering another burst of laughter as he walked away. Then he turned back to look at her over his shoulder. "Are you coming?" He turned away once more and walked nonchalantly ahead, whistling a tune as he went.
Frowning after her friend, Gwen had no alternative but to follow.
Soon the familiar sight of Gwen's home was ahead. Merlin continued to lead the way. In fact, Gwen noted, he was almost running to her door. As she caught up with him, just as he opened the latch to let them inside, barely giving Gwen time to realise that everything was exactly as she had left it all those weeks before, she hesitated. Somehow she'd been expecting to go to the castle first. As much as part of her dreaded it, she had hoped to see Arthur, just to make sure that he was all right and happy. Even though in her heart she knew he could not possibly take her back and that they could no longer be anything to one another other than servant and King, she had been waiting to see him, to get the first meeting over with as much as anything else. Now that would have to wait. The realisation was strangely painful.
"Everything is going to be all right Gwen, you'll see. I'll be sure to tell Elyan that you're back, he'll want to see you too." Merlin spoke softly as the door to Gwen's small home opened with a groaning creak.
Gwen didn't have a moment to ask what he meant, or to think about seeing her brother again before she found herself being almost pushed inside. "Merlin, what on earth are you…..!" She cried out, wondering what her friend was playing at.
But Merlin was already turning away, back out of the door he had just pushed her through. "I'll see you later Gwen.' He beamed brightly, casting his own sort of light into the darkened house where no candles were yet lit, and shut the door firmly behind himself, leaving Gwen alone.
In the silence that followed Merlin's departure, Gwen stood by the door and took a moment to take in her surroundings. The cupboards where she stored her plates, cups and other items for preparing her meals, all the small knick-knacks she had collected over the years, some her own, but some precious items belonging to her father. The stools her father had made years before. The candle-holder her father had fashioned in the forge, still hanging above the table, the pile of wood for the fire, her bed, neatly made, as if waiting for her to come home. It all seemed so precious all of a sudden. She could not help staring at it all like she had never seen it before, or rather, like she had never expected to see it again, which, in truth, she wasn't. On the day she left, the day that should have been her wedding day, Gwen truly believed she would never see her home or Camelot ever again.
Suddenly a movement by the tiny window caught her eye. There was someone inside, someone whose presence had been obscured in the dim light. Gwen turned, wondering what she could reach to hit the intruder with. Then she started and gasped, her breath catching in her throat.
"Hello Guinevere."
The intruder was Arthur.
Gwen stood stock still, barely able to breathe. Arthur was the last person she expected to find in her home. The sudden shock of seeing him there rendered all thought from her mind. Then, realising that he was staring at her, Gwen shook herself. Her heart pounded in her chest, and, as had so often been the case since she'd last heard his voice, tears stung the back of her throat and eyes. She willed them away. This was not the time.
"I'm sorry I startled you, I didn't mean to do that." Arthur's voice reached Gwen's ears as a soothing balm. She breathed and edged further into her home, never taking her eyes off him as he stood by the window, his gaze unceasingly on her. "It was just that I couldn't…I wanted to see you, so I thought….."
Gwen was shocked to hear the emotion in Arthur's voice, how it broke when he was speaking. He sounded exactly as she felt, completely overwhelmed. Yet, as she looked at him, she could find no words to express everything she felt. No words could ever explain the remorse she felt for the hurt she had caused him. She wanted to tell him how much she had missed him, how she'd longed for him for every moment of every day since she'd left, but the words abandoned her, leaving her mute and at a loss.
"Should I light a fire and some candles?" Arthur's voice broke the silence and Gwen was glad of it. She nodded silently. She watched as Arthur moved towards the fireplace, his familiar walk making Gwen ache for him. She followed him with her eyes as he knelt and tried to get the fire going. She smiled in spite of herself when she heard a muttered oath as he failed time after time.
Suddenly Gwen saw something she could do. Swallowing her nerves forcefully, she stepped towards Arthur and knelt beside him. She heard his breath catch just for a moment when he realised how close she was. For one moment Gwen thought that he must be revolted by her presence, angered by her nearness, and she began to rise and move away, but Arthur suddenly turned and faced her. "You always were better at this than me." He reached out to hand her the kindling, his Adam's apple bobbing back and forth as he spoke.
Gwen followed the movement of Arthur's throat with her eyes, pushing down the urge to put her arms around his neck as she had done so often in the past. Arthur stared down on her, the kindling still in his hands. The expression on his face took her breath away. The desire in his eyes was unmistakable. It warmed her in the cool room, right down to her toes.
The two sat looking at each other for what seemed like an age. Both were unable to speak or move, or do anything to break the moment. Suddenly, when the silence between them began to crackle, a noise came from outside, perhaps a neighbour was rising to prepare for the day, or someone was walking by on their way to their work, but it was enough. Arthur's head turned towards the door as if he expected someone to rush in at any moment. He rose abruptly and handed Gwen the kindling in hands that shook noticeably. She took it in a similar state and had to steady herself for a second before she could set to work on the fire.
Within moments Gwen had the fire blazing and Arthur went around and lit the few candles he could find in the house. It reminded her painfully of the night he proposed, when he'd blindfolded her and brought her back to her home. When they'd entered every possible surface was covered in candles. It was a beautiful sight. She'd wondered for a moment how he had done it, but she was soon distracted from the thought when Arthur escorted her to a seat and then knelt in front of her.
The moments following Arthur's proposal would live in Guinevere's mind forever. Even in the long dark nights she had spent alone on the road, even all the time she had laid her head wherever she could just to get a few moments sleep, in the rare moments when dreams of Arthur didn't torture her into wakefulness, even the time she had spent in Longstead with John and Mary, teaching the local children to read and write, helping to look after the sick and needy, had not obliterated the joy she had felt, the instinctive and blinding joy that had sent her rushing headlong into Arthur's arms. All the pain she had been through had not taken away the feeling of that one perfect moment of knowing that she had everything in the world she had ever wanted, the chance to be with Arthur and be his Queen.
"I don't know how you do it so quickly." Arthur's voice broke the silence once more and Gwen faced him in confusion. She realised when he indicated towards the fire, now burning brightly and illuminating the room, what he meant.
"Blacksmith's daughter, remember?" Her response was automatic, until it triggered a memory of another time when she had responded in a similar way and Arthur had nearly kissed her. At the thought her eyes turned towards the flames.
"Of course I remember." Arthur replied softly. Gwen felt his eyes, not on the flames, but on her. She knew instinctively that Arthur was sharing the same memory.
With the room becoming brighter by the second Gwen took a moment to look properly at Arthur. She was shocked by what she saw. He looked older than when she'd last seen him. Dark circles hugged his eyes. His gaze was just a little too bright, like he had been fighting to sleep for many nights and could find no rest. He also looked noticeably thinner. His cheeks sank beneath his cheekbones, making him appear gaunt. He was also shades paler than she was used to. The sight of him broke her heart. Shame rushed over her once more. This was her fault. She couldn't bear it.
Gwen's eye was suddenly caught by a scrap of material around Arthur's wrist. It was dark red. For one moment she thought it was a token, something given to a Knight before they fought in battle or in the tourney. She spent an agony of moments wondering who Arthur had turned to for comfort after she'd gone. She was distracted by the thought when Arthur suddenly flexed his fingers and flinched, rubbing the red material and frowning. With relief that almost made her feel ill, Gwen realised that Arthur was nursing an injury, and clearly not nursing it well.
"You've hurt yourself", she almost whispered, her feelings overwhelming her once more.
Arthur's brow arched in bewilderment at the random statement, before he followed Gwen's gaze to the material around his wrist. He shook his head. "No, not really, it's just a silly thing. I fell badly in training and stupidly put my hand out to save myself. It was stupid, I know I should have just let myself fall and I would probably have been all right, but my hand went out and the next thing I knew I heard a crack, and…..Well, there we are." He wriggled his fingers and forced a sheepish smile to his lips, which soon turned into a grimace of discomfort.
Gwen immediately went to one of her small cupboards, hoping that she could find what she was looking for. She opened the cupboard and almost wept when she found a bandage within. Gaius had given it to her a while ago and she must have somehow missed it when she was packing up to leave. Taking the bandage in her hand she turned to Arthur. "Let me dress that properly for you?" She wondered for a moment if she should have addressed him as Sire or Your Majesty, but Arthur didn't seem to notice.
"No, really, it's fine. Gaius tended to it when it happened. I just haven't had time to go back and get it done again, I…." Arthur stopped talking abruptly and swallowed hard. Gwen saw the emotion in his eyes once more. He swallowed hard again.
Gwen sighed heavily. He didn't want her near him, not again. The moment by the fire was all he could stand of her being close. Still, she had to try, he was in pain. "It would just take a moment, and if it was bound more tightly the pain would be easier." She tried to keep her voice steady, but to her ears it sounded like she was begging.
Arthur's brow arched at Gwen's tone. He seemed bewildered by her urgency, yet strangely glad of it. Giving in with a sigh that heaved through his whole frame, he held out the hurt wrist. Gwen stepped closer. Her heart thumped heavily, so loud she was certain of Arthur hearing it. She began to work, removing the old bandage carefully, so as to not jolt the wrist and cause more pain. Whilst she worked she listened to Arthur breathe. She was so close that his breath wafted softly through her hair. She had to concentrate on what she was doing to prevent the shivers that tried to pass through her.
Soon the old and dirty bandage was removed and Gwen set about replacing it with the clean one. She worked quickly, making sure the bandage was firm but not so tight that it stopped the blood flowing to the fingers. She had picked up enough from watching Gaius over the years to know that injuries needed the blood to flow to them freely if they were to heal. All the time she felt Arthur's breath in her hair, she sensed his eyes on her. She willed her hands not to shake.
She completed her task and tied the bandage off securely. "There, does that feel better?" She asked, forcing herself to look Arthur in the face. For one moment Arthur just stared at her, like he was considering something. Gwen wondered if he hadn't heard her somehow and opened her mouth to repeat the question. Her words turned into a squeak of surprise when she felt herself being pulled into Arthur's arms.
"Guinevere." Her name passed over Arthur's lips in the same way she'd heard from him a thousand times before. He said it not as a word, not even as a name, but as a touch, a caress. It sent heat rushing through her, right to her core. She felt herself flush in reaction as her knees turned to liquid beneath her. Without meaning to she found herself leaning more into Arthur's body. She felt his arms tighten around her. She raised her hands to rest them on his shoulders. She felt his muscles twitch in response to her touch. The idea that she could still move him in this way filled her with joy. Yet, as she looked up at Arthur's face, at the heated expression in his eyes as they sheltered between half lowered lids, Gwen could not take in what was happening. She had not seen Arthur for many weeks, yet the last time she had been in his presence he had sent her away, told her that he could not see her every day and that she had to leave Camelot. Now he was holding her and looking at her like she was the most precious thing in the world to him? It made no sense.
"I don't…I don't understand….How….Why are you….?" She stammered, her words tripped over themselves as her heart pounded. At least she thought it was her own heart, for it seemed as if Arthur's was racing as much. She could feel it beating against her, beneath the simple shirt he wore.
However, it seemed that Arthur couldn't hear her, or was not listening. Instead, he closed his eyes and his head began to lower. Gwen could hardly believe what was happening, but she responded, reaching Arthur halfway. She closed her eyes just as his lips touched hers.
Arthur had kissed Gwen dozens of times. From their first kiss here in her home, with the sunlight shining over them, secret kisses in stolen moments when they could not declare their feelings because of their different positions, kisses in private moments, to make up after disagreements or share moments of relief after times of danger, but nothing that had gone before had prepared her for this. Arthur's kiss was desperate. He threw himself at her, clinging to her like a drowning man as he stole her breath. His hands started at her waist, but as the kiss intensified they rose, until they sat in the familiar position of just below the up thrust of her breasts. The contact made Gwen shiver, and Arthur tightened his arms around her still further, until she could feel all of him against her. She felt his body responding to hers, felt him harden against her as he had done when he held her close before. The feeling made her feel simultaneously powerful and made her want to weep. He still wanted her. She could hardly believe it.
Gwen was suddenly aware that she was moving. For one dreadful moment she feared Arthur was letting her go. His senses had returned and he was going to leave. She could almost hear his apology for his unrestrained behaviour as he extricated himself from her arms. She braced herself, preparing for the desolation she knew would come with being cast away from him again. The dread increased tenfold when Arthur tore his now swollen lips from hers. Then, to her amazement, he shook his head and lowered his lips again, capturing her in a kiss from which she feared she would not come out alive, but still she was moving, him following her backwards. Only when she felt the wooden front door against her back did she realise what Arthur was doing. The hardness of the door was behind her, the hardness of Arthur was in front. Gwen used the door to steady herself when Arthur's lips left hers again and began to travel over any exposed skin he could find. He kissed her cheeks, he kissed her forehead, the kisses every bit as hungry as they had been on her lips. He kissed the delicate skin just below her ears, drawing a shiver of delight out of her that made him chuckle quietly. He kissed the soft skin of the area of her neck left exposed by her travelling clothes, just a tiny area, but still she shuddered in response. Her hands went instinctively to his hair, her fingers catching in the short blond locks. She tugged without meaning to when Arthur's exploration of her skin continued. She was rewarded with a deep moan that seemed to come from his very soul.
"Guinevere." Her name rumbled out of him once more when the need to breathe became too great for both of them. He did not move away, but stayed there, his forehead pinned to hers by some invisible bond between them. The look in his eyes branded her. Her hands slipped from his hair to his shoulders, she held him as tightly as her strength allowed.
After several long moments when the only sound in the room was their breathing, Gwen began to think again. She could not take in what had happened in the last few moments. She didn't understand what she was doing in Camelot at all, not after what she had done. She had thought her life was over, that though Arthur had spared her the punishment that would undeniably have been hers in his father's day, she had been parted from him in a way that seemed as irrevocable, and it was her own fault for being weak. But she was here in her home once more; Arthur had just kissed her more passionately than he ever had before. Even now he seemed in no hurry to part from her. He remained close, holding her like she was a jewel or some other great treasure, rather than the wicked woman she now knew herself to be. It seemed unimaginable and inexplicable, and too wonderful to be true.
"I don't understand." Gwen found her voice after several moments of trying to think what to say and finding nothing. "I don't understand what is happening. I thought I would never see you or Camelot again. You banished me, and I deserved it after what I did. But now I'm here again, and you are here, and you are behaving like…..You are treating me like…" She stopped, unable to express herself any more as tears began to gather in her eyes.
Arthur pulled Gwen against him for a moment, her head rested on his chest. She felt his heart beating fiercely against her. A few of her tears leaked on to his shirt. "I am treating you as you deserve My Lady, as the woman who will one day be my Queen. I am treating you as you what you are, what you will always be to me, the woman I love."
Arthur's words caught Gwen completely by surprise. She could not believe it. He loved her, he still loved her. She lifted her head off his chest and looked into his eyes. She could see the truth of his words within. He gazed down on her reverently, resolutely. He meant every word he said, she knew it as perfect truth. Still, she could not explain what was happening. How could things suddenly be mended? How could Arthur still love her after she had betrayed him? It did not seem possible.
"I don't understand, how can this possibly…"
Gwen was interrupted by Arthur, who suddenly decided to laugh. The sound filled the room. Gwen stared at him in bewilderment.
"Merlin really hasn't told you, has he?" Arthur chuckled and shook his head. "A threat actually worked, I'll have to remember that one!" He laughed delightedly.
Gwen frowned, ignoring Arthur's amusement. "He wouldn't tell me anything. He turned up in Longstead and told me that you had revoked my banishment, but he refused to tell me why. I demanded to know, but he still wouldn't tell me. He told me that you'd warned him not to tell me, and that I would find out soon enough if I just came back, so…."
"You went to Longstead?" Arthur's face straightened. He didn't seem to pay much attention to what else Gwen had said. He just focused on that one small piece of information and grabbed at it.
Gwen sighed heavily, her mind going over the many weeks of her banishment; she swallowed down more unshed tears. "I travelled at first. I didn't stay in one place too long. I didn't want anyone to know me or find out what I had done. Part of me was afraid of how they would react if they knew, but another part, the greater part, was disgusted with what I did. I could not bear the shame of my behaviour. I still can not bear it. In the end I knew I would need to find work, but I could not. It seemed that no one needed a seamstress or a cook, and I knew I could not try to get work as a ladies maid because the nobility probably knew what I'd done, so I went to Longstead. I stayed with John and Mary for a while and helped to look after the local children, teaching them to read and write. I looked after some of the babies and other little ones while their mothers worked. Only Mary knew why I was there, and she didn't tell anyone, not even John. I was there when Merlin turned up and told me I could come back to Camelot, but he wouldn't tell me why."
"Oh Guinevere, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry." When Gwen looked up into Arthur's face she could see his eyes were wet. "If I had just known, if I'd had any idea, any thought of what had happened I would never have sent you away. I was hurt and angry, and all I could think was that I could not see you every day without being reminded of the sight of you with Lancelot, I could not bear the thought of how you'd betrayed me, how you had broken my trust and I just…."
"But I did betray you Arthur, I did!" Bitter tears began to flow from Gwen's eyes. She could not make them stop. "I have no explanation, I can not understand why I did it when I know how much I love you, how much I have loved you for so long, but I could not stop myself. It was like I was mad, like I was watching myself do this disgusting thing, and I still could not stop myself. It was like I didn't even know it was wrong until I saw you fighting with Lancelot, and then it was too late. I hate myself for what I've done. I hurt you and I am so sorry Arthur. You have every right to hate me. I will never forgive myself, so I understand." Gwen was sobbing by the time she finished speaking. Her tears increased when she found herself being held once more in Arthur's arms. His own face was awash with tears.
"I don't hate you Guinevere. I could never hate you. How could I hate you when I love you so much? I tried to forget you for a while, I tried not to think about you, but it was no good. All it did was make me think about you more. I missed you so much, I could not sleep, I could not think. After a while I carried out my duties again, but none of it meant anything without you beside me. I tried to do some of the things I knew we wanted for Camelot, the things we'd planned to do as soon as we could be married. I passed so many new laws and approved so many improvements in Camelot I think people thought I'd gone mad. A school was opened in the lower town. I've spoken to Gaius about the possibility for a small hospital too. I've asked him if he could teach some people his skills with medicines and healing, so that people wouldn't have to walk all the way to the castle if they were sick. Of course, training new people would add to Gaius's workload for a time, which concerned me, but he seems happy to think he could pass on his skills, so perhaps….."
A rush of pride coursed through Gwen. "That is wonderful Arthur, but I still don't understand why you can suddenly allow me back. I don't deserve it, I don't deserve you." She bowed her head in remorse, her tears still falling.
Arthur stepped away from Gwen for a moment. He took something she hadn't noticed was there from the table. He held it out to her. "It's because of this."
Gwen looked at what Arthur was offering her. Her hand flew to her mouth in shock and dismay. It was the bracelet Lancelot had given her when he turned up in Camelot after they had all believed he was dead. She'd ripped it from her wrist when she'd realised what she had done. She remembered the sound of the dungeon being locked; it told her so clearly what she already knew. Any chance she had of being with Arthur forever was in ruins and she had caused it with her wanton behaviour. The shame of the memory made Gwen bow her head once more.
"Do you recognise it Gwen?" Arthur asked, tilting her head up to face him. She could not believe his tone. There was no accusation, no venom; he was merely asking a question. His eyes, though still filled with tears, held no anger.
"Lancelot…Lancelot gave it to me. I don't…..I don't want it, I never want to see it again!" She tried to lower her head again, but Arthur wouldn't let her.
"It was after he gave you the bracelet that you started to feel confused, wasn't it?" Arthur's voice remained calm, but Gwen could hear something in it, something hopeful. Still, his question made her think. It took her back to her feelings when Lancelot gave her the bracelet. In those moments, in this very room, she had not felt easy with being alone with Lancelot, having him so close, especially since she was engaged to Arthur. When Lancelot kissed her on the forehead she felt uncomfortable. It felt wrong somehow. Yet she accepted the bracelet from him, believing that it was a gift in remembrance of times past, when she had felt so close to him. It was only now, looking back, that Gwen could see that it was after putting on the bracelet that her feelings became confused, when Lancelot was more and more in her mind.
"Yes, but I don't….I don't understand…How do you….?" She broke off, not even sure of what she was trying to say.
Arthur sighed heavily. "I think you need to sit down and I'll tell you about it. Believe it or not it is partly because of Merlin….Oh, and I have thanked him," he added, guiding Guinevere to the bench by the side of her table before sitting opposite her.
Gwen rested her arms on the table wearily. It was suddenly as if everything she had been through had caught up with her. It was exhausting. Seeing how tired she looked, Arthur leaned over and took her hands in his. The simple touch gave her strength, even as her mind struggled to understand why he was being so kind.
"I've already told you how hard those first weeks after you left….After I sent you away were." Arthur bowed his head and stared at his hands linked with Gwen's. Gwen's heart ached at the sorrow in his eyes. "I could not sleep, I could not eat. To my shame I neglected my duties. All I could think about was you, how much I missed you, how much I wanted you, how much I wanted you back, even though I could not get the image of you with Lancelot out of my mind. I felt like I'd been branded. Every time I tried to close my eyes you were there. Sometimes I could see times when we were happy, but other times I saw you with him. Sometimes I wanted to die, just to make the pain stop." Arthur bit his lip in an attempt to control his emotions, but he could not stop the tears that pooled in his eyes.
"Oh Arthur, I am so sorry, I wish I could change what I did, but I….."
Arthur shook his head. He released Gwen's hands just long enough to wipe his tears away with his hand. "You have nothing to be sorry for Gwen, I know that now. All I hope is that when I have told you the truth you will find it in your heart to forgive me." He reached out again and clasped both of her hands in his. He gripped like his life depended on it.
Gwen opened her mouth to tell Arthur that he had done nothing wrong, that the fault was hers, and only hers, but he stilled her. "Just let me explain." He smiled wanly at her. Nodding, she swallowed hard and allowed him to continue.
"As I said, for weeks I could not function, all I could think about was you. I let Agravaine run the kingdom, and I took no interest in anything going on in Camelot, which I now know was a mistake, as was my trust in my uncle." Gwen started at the venom in Arthur's tone when he mentioned Agravaine, but she didn't stop him. He needed to explain something to her, she could tell. She just had to trust that everything would become clear soon, because it was far from that at the moment.
"In the end it took Merlin to drag me back to the reality of the situation. He told me how unhappy the people were, how badly Agravaine was treating people, and as much as I didn't believe it at first, it was enough. I knew I had to take control again, so I did. I thought about all the things we wanted to do, you and I, for the people, and I realised I could still do it. I suppose I was thinking that if I could just do the things we set out to do together it would be as if you were still with me, but I knew I was fooling myself. No matter how busy I was with our plans for Camelot, nothing filled the space you left. Nothing meant anything anymore, even my people, until something happened that changed everything."
Gwen wept while Arthur spoke. Silent tears rolled down her cheeks. Whilst she had been suffering in her banishment, Arthur had been equally alone in Camelot. She was grateful to Merlin for being a friend to Arthur, giving him support and strength, but the pain in Arthur's voice added to her guilt. It was unbearable. She wondered what could possibly have happened to change things, to give Arthur hope, but she did not interrupt. He was speaking again.
"There was a thief in Camelot. A man turned up in the market and stole bread, vegetables, that sort of thing. He was arrested and locked in the castle dungeons until he could be tried. What no one realised was that the man was ill. By the time we realised and Gaius was treating him it was already too late. Gaius discovered that the man had something wrong with his heart and the cold, damp conditions in the dungeons made the situation much worse. He died before he could be tried for his crime. It was only when his wife turned up to claim her husband's body that it came out that the man could not work and had five children to support. He had stolen the food to feed his family, and for no other reason. His wife said he knew it was wrong, that he should not steal, but they were desperate."
Arthur's haunted eyes pained Gwen to her soul. She knew better than anyone how this good, kind man, noble not only in blood but in nature, would hurt to think of one of his people having to steal just to survive. She knew how the man's death must have pained him.
"After the man's death I realised that there was no need for anyone to go hungry in Camelot. I gave orders for a kitchen to be opened in the lower town, to enable the poor to have at least one decent meal a day, all costs to be covered by the palace. Then I decided that something needed to be done about the dungeons. Of course, Agravaine tried to dissuade me. He said that the dungeons were supposed to be a punishment for wrongdoing, but I didn't see it like that. My thought was that if you lock a criminal up in filthy conditions you will give them a reason to resent authority, so in turn, if they are then able to be released they will be likely to go back to crime, perhaps even doing things that were worse than before. My idea was not to make the dungeons like lodgings, I could see that made no sense, people would commit crime just to get in, but to make them clean at least, to prevent the spread of disease, and make them warm enough so that illness and disease does not lead to unnecessary death."
Gwen listened raptly to everything Arthur was saying. She could well imagine Agravaine trying to put Arthur off his plans. Everything told her that Agravaine felt no love for the people of Camelot, and probably hated Arthur's attempts to act on his initiative and for the good of his people. But the tone he used when he mentioned Agravaine was still a shock. Gwen wondered what had happened to cause such a change. For herself, she knew very well how horrible the dungeons were, how cold and filthy. She'd been in the dungeons three times and it was not an experience she would wish to repeat. She admired Arthur's attempts to do good for his people, even those considered to be the lowest in society.
"So, I ordered the dungeons to be cleaned up. Merlin helped, and it was when he was working in one of the cells that he found this." He held up the bracelet again.
Gwen nodded. "I threw it off as soon as I was arrested. I felt so guilty; I had no wish to wear it anymore, not after what I had done. The idea of wearing it disgusted me Arthur. I don't even know why I accepted it now. I wish I never had."
Shame coursed through Gwen at the memory of the night Arthur discovered her with Lancelot. She could still hear Arthur's cry as he picked up a sword and charged at Lancelot. The terror she felt at watching those two good men fighting with each other because of her, the shame she felt when she realised what she had done to Arthur, and then the agony of Arthur sending her away, the memories haunted her. Gwen knew that no matter how long or short her life was that terrible night would never leave her, even if Arthur somehow allowed her to stay in Camelot and be some part of his life again. Despite the emotion he had shown towards her, despite his insistence that he still loved her, she would not allow herself the luxury of believing that she could be with him again as they were before. Whatever he said, even if he forgave what she did, she would not forgive herself.
"Merlin took the bracelet to Gaius." Arthur went on, his voice low, yet tinged with something that sounded like hope. "Merlin told me later that he spoke to the dungeon keeper and discovered who the last person was who had been kept in the cell where the bracelet was found. He discovered that it was you. Gwen, when Gaius saw the bracelet he knew straight away, the symbols on it are from the Old Religion."
Guinevere's mouth fell open in shock. "But Lancelot said the Madhavi people gave it to him for good fortune. He said he wanted me to wear it because he saw their goodness in me."
Arthur's grip on Gwen's hands tightened. He dreaded telling Gwen the truth about Lancelot, but he knew she had to know. He stroked her fingers with his thumb, bracing himself for what he needed to say. "Gwen I'm sorry. I really am sorry, but I have to tell you now that Lancelot…The person we all believed to be Lancelot, is dead."
Gwen gasped with the shock of Arthur's words. "He...He's dead?" She stared at Arthur in horror.
Arthur nodded. "It seemed he took his own life….But that isn't all of it Gwen, there's more."
Gwen shook her head in despair. "What else could there be? My actions have hurt you and killed a man, how could there possibly be anything else?"
Arthur sighed. "Because the man we all thought was Lancelot, the man who gave you that bracelet, was not Lancelot at all. Gaius has evidence that the man was a Shade, someone who has been brought back from the dead." Arthur's voice became tinged with bitterness. "It seems that someone used their knowledge of your past with Lancelot and his body for their own ends."
"But who would do such a thing?" Gwen asked, after several long seconds when she tried to take in all that Arthur was saying.
"Morgana" Arthur replied, grimacing over the name. "She knows about your relationship with Lancelot. She was obviously informed of our engagement. It seems that she will stop at nothing to break me and prevent you from taking your place on the throne as my Queen."
Gwen's head spun with all that Arthur had told her. She found it hard to believe that Morgana would be capable of doing such a dreadful thing. Gwen liked to remember Morgana as she was, her good, kind mistress. She'd known for a long time that Morgana had changed, but to hear the extent she had gone to was still a shock. Then she had a thought. "But if Morgana knew of our engagement….She hasn't been in Camelot since she tried to take the throne from your father."
Arthur frowned. He stared down at Gwen's hands for several long seconds. When he lifted his gaze back to hers he could not hide his anger, yet he also appeared embarrassed. "We have had an enemy in Camelot for months. All this time he has been feeding Morgana information about events in Camelot, including our engagement. What makes me sick is that I trusted him. He's family Guinevere. I truly believed I could trust him." Arthur laughed but there was no humour in the sound. Gwen shuddered at its bitterness. "Even Merlin saw through him, but I wouldn't hear of it. He tried to tell me again and again, but I was too stubborn, or too arrogant, to hear the truth."
"Agravaine" Gwen stated softly, it wasn't a question. She knew.
Arthur nodded in disgust. "The worst of it is that I knew he didn't approve of our relationship, but I never imagined he would go to such lengths. I was wrong, and you paid the price for my trust in him. I know now that he deliberately set you up that night, he came to my chambers and woke me. He knew you were on your way to meet Lancelot and he engineered the situation so that I would see you together."
"But I still did what I did Arthur. If I hadn't been anywhere near Lancelot none of it would have happened. I should have been here preparing for our wedding, but instead I was…I was…." She couldn't go on. She released Arthur's hands swiftly, buried her face in her hands and wept.
Gwen heard rather than saw Arthur move. She sensed him kneeling on the floor beside her. She tried to resist when he took her hands away from her face, but he held on, then he reached up and took her face in his hands. He made her look at him. "Don't you see Gwen? This is what I've been trying to tell you. You could not help what you did, it wasn't your fault." The tenderness in Arthur's eyes was heartbreaking.
"But it was!" Gwen cried, becoming frustrated. "I still did it Arthur, I don't understand why, it was like I couldn't help myself, but I still did it."
"You were under an enchantment."
Arthur's words hung in the air. For what seemed like hours Gwen stared at Arthur in disbelief. Her mouth hung open, almost like she'd stopped halfway through saying something. The silence between them filled the small house. Eventually Gwen closed her mouth, but still she stared at Arthur in bewilderment. "I was….Enchanted?" She just couldn't believe it. Her eyes were wide.
Arthur nodded gently, and then he became contrite. "You said you didn't know why you were drawn to Lancelot. You have to understand Gwen, I was hurt and angry. One moment we were spending our last night alone before our wedding, the next it was all over, and I couldn't work out what had happened. When you said you didn't know why you were drawn to him I thought you were feeling guilty about what you'd done. I never thought for a moment when you said you couldn't help yourself that you really couldn't. Guinevere, I swear to you, if I had just known….If I'd had any idea….." Arthur bowed his head in shame.
Guinevere could hardly take in what Arthur was saying. Her mind buzzed with everything she had been told. She had to force herself to think, but suddenly she felt distant from the situation, as if she was watching it from far away. She breathed deeply for a moment, gathering herself. "You are really saying that I was enchanted, truly?"
Arthur looked up into Guinevere's huge dark eyes. He gazed at her intently. "Truly, I swear Gwen, if I had known I would never have…."
"But all that time…." Guinevere cut across Arthur's apology. She was wrapped in her own thoughts. All the weeks she had been away washed over her. The fear, the loneliness, the disgust with what she'd done. "All that time I thought….I thought I was bad, I thought I must be a terrible person to do what I did. I thought I must be wicked and evil. You banished me, you sent me away from you, and I missed you so much. I missed you all the time Arthur, every moment of every day I missed you, and I was alone and afraid, and I thought….I thought…" But Guinevere couldn't find any more words. Instead, she covered her face once more and sobbed. The sound filled the house. Her body shook in agony as all the feelings she'd tried to force down for so long came rushing to the surface.
Arthur couldn't bear the sound that came from Guinevere. It tormented him. The guilt for his part in what happened to her broke his heart. "I am so sorry Gwen, I'm so sorry." He reached for her and engulfed her shaking form into his arms. "I swear to you, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me I will never judge you like that again. I regretted sending you away as soon as I'd done it, but I was hurt and angry, and I just couldn't understand what had happened to us. We were so happy Gwen, and then you were with him and I couldn't….I missed you too Gwen, all the time, every minute and every second of every day. When I realised your innocence I…..Guinevere I am so, so sorry." Arthur held Guinevere against his chest. His own tears fell into her long, dark hair.
Arthur and Guinevere held each other for what seemed like hours. By the time they were able to speak again the room was illuminated in sunlight and there was no more need for the candles, but they allowed them to burn. They were too wrapped up in each other to care about anything else.
Leaning in to Arthur's arms, Guinevere finally found her voice. "What are you going to do about Agravaine and Morgana?" Even as she asked the question she wasn't sure why she wanted to know. She couldn't believe what they had done, not only to her, but to Arthur. She knew Agravaine's betrayal must have hurt Arthur terribly.
Arthur sighed, it shuddered through him painfully. "We don't know where Morgana is. Agravaine refused to say, and without that…As for Agravaine, I've banished him. I probably should have executed him for what he's done, but I just couldn't do it. He's my mother's brother Gwen, I couldn't execute him, but I've made sure that he'll never get in to Camelot again. I've warned him, if he ever sets foot in Camelot again I won't hesitate." Arthur's voice was dark and cold.
Guinevere nodded against Arthur's chest. "I understand, he's your family, you couldn't execute him, I understand. But won't he run to Morgana and plot against you more?" Guinevere couldn't keep the fear out of her voice. Part of her worried about what else Morgana and Agravaine were capable of, and what else they might have plotted together that Arthur was unaware of. The thought made her shiver.
Arthur sighed again and held Guinevere closer. The concern for him in her voice moved him. Even after everything she had been through she was still concerned for him. He knew now as never before, Guinevere might have been a servant once, but it was he who was unworthy of her. She was far too good for him. "I have to take the chance, there is nothing else for it, but I know now, they could do nothing to me that would hurt me more than our separation. I don't care what Morgana does, or how much Agravaine plots against me, as long as you are with me I can live with whatever comes."
Guinevere tentatively lifted her head off Arthur's chest. She looked into his eyes. "What are you saying?" She would not allow herself to believe that the nightmare she had been through was over until she heard Arthur say the words, yet, as she looked at him, a flare of hope began to glow inside her.
Arthur gazed at Guinevere for several long seconds. In that time he wondered if she still didn't really know the depth of what he felt for her. He knew there was nothing else to do. He had to tell her. He released Guinevere from his arms carefully, all the time he was looking into her eyes. His heart began to thump. It was now or never. He took a step back from Guinevere, who watched him expectantly. She never took her eyes off him. Then, slowly, he went down on one knee and took Guinevere's hands in his. He wasn't sure if it hers that shook or his own.
"Guinevere, I know I am unworthy of you…" Guinevere opened her mouth to speak, but Arthur shook his head. She swallowed and became silent. As she had for so long, she waited for him. "I know now that my actions in banishing you were entirely unjust and I hope you will forgive me. I hope you will find it in your heart to stay in Camelot and make it your home again. But there is one more thing I hope for. I have waited for it for so long, and when I thought I'd finally got it, it was cruelly snatched away. Being without you nearly broke me Guinevere, but it taught me that I need you, your counsel, your wisdom, your presence, just to be able to do the things I must as King. I know I am not worthy of your goodness, your kindness. I know I do not always show you how I feel, but I love you Guinevere, I have loved you for so long, so now I ask you, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?"
Guinevere took a few seconds to let Arthur's words sink in. All the time he watched her, waiting. She knew, this time she would give him no reason to wonder about her answer. Holding on to Arthur's hands she followed him down onto the floor on her knees. She looked him directly in the eyes. She knew there was only one possible answer to his question.
"Yes."
And then she kissed him.