Another really sad one… feel free to tell me what you think! I do not own Glee, unfortunately. And I have rated it M due to sensitive material and foul language. This is another one that breaks my heart but I couldn't help but write it…
'I know that we are all still grieving the loss of our shining star. I wish I had answers for you. I wish I could tell you that the pain will end. But I can't do that; I can't give you the answers I know you all are searching for because I don't know how to do this. I have been lucky enough to have never lost anyone; until now of course. I see the hurt in your eyes, the pain etched clearly on your faces and I wish I could make it go away. I wish I could bring Rachel back to us or turn back time to two weeks ago when everything was normal and our biggest issue was who was going to get the solo; but I can't. I want to tell you all that your lives will go on and you will be happy again, but I can't make that promise. The only answer I have is one that we've had for the last two years we've spent together, one that I know Rachel would have used herself, and that's music. I know she will be pissed off in heaven right now when she hears these words come out of my mouth, but I think we should forget about Regionals for a little while and focus on us. Focus on getting through this as best we can. Now, I think that singing our emotions may help us. I know that a few of you are holding on tightly to what's left of your control, but I think it may be good to let go. Today however, I'd like to do an exercise they use in a lot of grief counseling. I need you all to pull your chairs in a circle and we're going to go around the room; everyone will take turns expressing what they are feeling or how they felt.' Mr. Shue instructed. The room remained silent as the group did as told. Each lost in their own worlds where they could hide from the hurt they were feeling. 'I do want to mention that I do not want you to hold back here. This is a safe circle. Cussing will be aloud today and please do not speak of anything that's said once you've left this room. Kurt, since you are sitting to my right, how about you start first.'
'I can't explain what I feel. I've never been so sad in my life. My mother died when I was young and it hurt, but I didn't understand what it was like to know someone that well; to expect them to be there for everything. I feel so lost without her.' He explained with tears in his eyes. 'I don't know what else to say.'
'That's a great start Kurt.' Mr. Shue replied patting his back and handing him a Kleenex. 'Quinn…'
'It doesn't feel real to me yet. I'm still waiting for her to make some grand entrance and tell us that she was just practicing for a role for Broadway. I'm terrified of what I'm going to feel when it does sink in.' she shrugged and turned to Finn.
'I'm heartbroken. I loved Rachel; sure we didn't work out as a couple but it didn't mean that I didn't love her as a person, as a friend. I guess I still feel like Quinn, like it's not real yet. I keep praying I'll wake up but everyday it's the same nightmare.' Finn stated; wiping tears from his cheeks.
'I'm sad of course that she won't make it to Broadway like she wanted and that her life ended like it did, but I'd be lying if I said I was heartbroken. I know I sound like a total bitch but Berry and I were not close and I never really got to know her. I guess I kinda regret that now but probably not as much as I should. I think I feel sad because all of the people I care about are sad.' Santana said; taking her turn. She squeezed Brittney's hand to go next.
'I'm so sad that she's gone. I didn't treat her as well as I should have but I did love her and I did consider her a friend. I just want to curl up in a ball and forget everything but I can't. I want to see her and talk to her and apologize for all of the terrible things I said to her and about her. I want her to know that I do care; that I did want her in my life.' The blonde cried.
'Alright, Artie…'
'She was annoying, self centered, rude, and judgmental; but that girl had all of our backs no matter what and was directed only by her heart. I'm sad that I didn't get to know her better, I'm sad that I didn't treat her right, I'm sad that it all happened. I want to say that we were friends but we weren't and it was my fault. She tried to be my friend but I wouldn't budge.' He answered; also wiping tears from his face.
'Rachel and I had our ups and downs but she was my girl. We had a ton of sleepovers and countless cups of coffee and now that's all gone. She's gone and I don't know what to do. My parents signed me up with a counselor but I just don't want to talk about it. Like Quinn and Finn said, I just want to wake up or for her to come walking through the door.' Mercedes said next.
By now the entire group was crying. Each of them filled with their regrets and pain of knowing she was gone. The rest of the group went one by one, each telling a similar story; that is until it was Noah Puckerman's turn.
'Ya want to know how I feel; because I'm pretty sure you don't' he stated with dry eyes and a glaring stare.
'We do Noah, you're the one who has been most affected by this. We want you to know that we care and we want to help in any way we can.' Mr. Shue replied.
'First of all, if you ANY of you EVER call me Noah again I will beat the living shit out of you, teacher or not. Secondly, I have a song to sing first.' He said harshly and slung his guitar over his shoulder. 'You want to know how I felt, here's how it started.'
I can hear the truck tires coming up the gravel road Here comes goodbye Here comes the pain I can hear her say "I love you" like it was yesterday But here comes goodbye Here comes the pain Why's it have to go from good to gone? Here comes goodbye Here comes the pain
And it's not like her to drive that slow, nothing's on the radio
Footsteps on the front porch, I hear my doorbell
She usually comes right in, now I can tell
Here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight
But here comes goodbye
And I can see it written on her face that she had never felt this way
One day I thought I'd see her with her daddy by her side
And violins would play Here Comes The Bride
Here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight
But here comes goodbye
Before the lights turn on
Yeah, and you're left alone
Oh! But here comes goodbye! Oh!
Here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight
But here comes goodbye, ooh
As he finished the final note tears began to fall down his face.
'She said she would be right back but she lied. She was just supposed to go to the store and come back; I had forgotten to grab the salad dressing for her salad so she went to get it. Why did I have to forget it? Why didn't I go instead?'
'It's okay Puck.'
'NO IT'S NOT! Nothing is okay, don't you get it? I h-had everything perfect, if I had just remembered the fucking salad dressing she'd be here prancing around directing everyone and complaining that the fucking song choice was wrong! She's supposed to be here!'
'I understand.'
'No, no you don't. See, I didn't just lose the love of my life. I didn't just lose the girl I was proposing to after dinner! I didn't just lose my best friend! I didn't just lose my baby's mother! I lost her and I lost our fucking baby! We were going to be a family! We had fucking names picked out and she had already picked out the damn nursery! We were going to New York! She was going to be everything she ever dreamed of being and we were going to do it together! I've lost EVERYTHING I've ever loved! Don't you understand? It's my fault! My dad leaving was my fault because I was a punk ass kid that he couldn't stand! Beth leaving was my fault because I wasn't good enough! My unborn child and my future wife leaving was my fault because I forgot the fucking dressing! It's all my fault!' he screamed; slamming his fist into the wall. Everyone stared at him with wide eyes, shocked by the revalations.
'What were you going to name it Puck?' Mr. Shue asked softly.
'C-Caroline Elena if it was a g-girl and Emery Noah if it w-was a boy… it was a girl. They told m-me after I i-identified her… they told me it was a girl.' He cried into his knees. 'S-she was due on my b-birthday…April 17 and s-she was already a little b-badass because s-she was already m-moving like crazy and g-giving R-Rachel a hard t-time. Rach said t-that if it was a g-girl we were going to d-decorate her nursery with u-unicorns but I t-told her no because m-my daughter was going to be a s-star like her M-mom so we had to do it in s-stars and m-music and she wrinkled her n-nose and said that dads h-had to stay out of d-decorating b-because they didn't u-understand what a l-little p-princess wants. She was going to b-be our little b-baby Jewish-American P-princess. But Rachel d-doesn't know… she d-doesn't know that w-we were going t-to have a d-daughter.' Puck sobbed.
'We're here for you Puck,' Santana said after he quieted. He let out a choked dry laugh.
'Like you guys were there for her! You were the worst of them all Santana! She tried so hard to make peace with everyone but all you guys did was hurt her! I can't do this!' he yelled and jumped up to storm out of the room. He ran as fast as he could to his truck and peeled out of the parking lot. He drove as fast as he could, not even comprehending where he was going. He pulled up to the curb and continued to run towards the spot his heart was aiming for. Puck collapsed on the still soft soil. He looked up through his watery gaze to see the concrete headstone they had just placed in the ground.
'Rachel please come back, please, I'm begging you! I can't do this! I can't do this without you!' He yelled at the elegant rock. He reached his hand out and ran it over the carved words.
Rachel Barbara Berry, with child
May 15, 1994 – November 6, 2011
Far above in that sky,
Is a small star of mine,
Star where life exists,
That star shines brighter then light.
He curled in a ball over her grave and cried. Cried like he wasn't able to do the day the police officer told him she wasn't coming back. The way he wasn't able to when he saw her lying on the cold metal table, bruised and broken. The way he wasn't able to the day they lowered her lifeless body into the ground. The way he wasn't able to when the doctor told him he would have been a father to a little girl. The tears flowed strongly and he couldn't do anything but let them as he lay above her final resting spot, desperate to hold her one last time.