closer than before

by Yui Miyamoto

As time goes by, Hikaru feels the gap between Akira's world and his own.

fandom: Hikaru no Go
title: closer than before.
pairing: Akira + Hikaru
rating: pg-13
description - As time goes by, Hikaru feels the gap between Akira's world and his own.

Disclaimer - Hikaru no Go is a title that always pulls me forward to fight harder than before and gives my heart energy to keep living so I continue to write for it.

closer than before.

By Miyamoto Y.

The gorgeous hall had chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and white handmade crepe paper walls. There were rows of tables facing towards the stage painted with gold leaf paper and red autumn leaves covered with snow as cranes flew up to the sky.

Even the individual tables had designated names such as 'Tsuki' for 'Moon' and the carpets below them were in an intricate pattern of waves of ocean blue and wine-red mixed with lines of white.

Other people would have totally stood motionless at stepping into a three-dimensional canvas, but the golden and black-haired boy paid no attention whatsoever to his dazzling surroundings.

When everyone left the hall to go to rest in their rooms, he was still staring at the board before him. The mix of black and white stone circles painted a multifaceted, yet colorful picture that only he could see so he couldn't tear himself away. Though everyone did not understand what he found so intriguing, it was a well-crafted play. If anything, it could have been called original because even he had not played this style before.

To have this challenge, Hikaru was very happy. It made me him as excited as the first time that he knew he could play against other professionals without Sai's help. But even so, he could never beat Akira and at this thought, his eyes looked down into his lap and at his empty palms.

He didn't want to mix things up.

Was he chasing after Akira because Akira had acknowledged him as a worthy opponent though deep inside, after all these years, even though he mouthed off some careless remark towards his rival, when he was alone in his room, he knew that he did not possess the technique and talent that Akira had? He couldn't find a reason why Akira wanted to pull him to his world when it was all a misunderstanding from the time they had met and Sai had placed those stones on the board, not him.

What he had was raw, but he wasn't as smart as Akira. He had to practice harder than ever before, but he never showed that he looked at all the kifu he could without anyone knowing that he'd gone to great lengths to gather all kinds of information from all over the nation in order to even get a pinch of what Akira's mind must feel like.

Or, was he so in love with Akira that he'd do anything to have him notice him?

He'd never thought about it before but as the years went by, Akira's respect meant so much to him. And that was the single fact that stopped him from going further as a man. He wanted to be acknowledged first as a player rather than as a lover. But in reality, Hikaru didn't know what kind of relationship they had and how it could go any further from there unless one gave in to the other.

Knowing this, for now, he knew it was useless. Akira was too focused on Go and even those few 'hints' were so subtle that it made Hikaru's mind break. It was like the time that they had met at a gathering to greet the new players and Akira got so drunk that when Hikaru waved goodbye, he grabbed his hand and pressed his fingers against his heart. Akira smiled cutely but Hikaru blushed so much that he could only blink and ran away as soon as Akira turned away to say goodbye to everyone at the dinner. It took so much willpower to not drag him to the bathroom and kiss him shamelessly.

In other words, he could only do one puzzle at a time: It was either the Go board or Akira. He couldn't do both.

So when could he ever know more about Akira if he always chose to hide himself behind Go?

When he looked up to analyze the stones before him once more, he was startled to see Waya smiling widely at him. He sat crosslegged and leaned his elbows on the table with his hands over his palms.

"What are you still doing here?" Hikaru asked as he grabbed his chest. "I thought you already left!"

"I am. Izumi's waiting for me downstairs but when I called your name, you were so lost in thought that I thought I'd stay here and see how long it'd take for you to figure out I was here."

"I am sorry. I didn't mean to ignore you..."

"Oh, I'm used to you already, but why won't you let go of this game?"

"I-" Hikaru hesistated to answer and hoped someone would save him from doing so.

"Waya." Izumi stood at the doorway and blinked at his boyfriend. "We need to get to that reservation or else they'll cancel it. It took a long time for me to get those seats and we won't be here again for a long time."

Waya got up and waved goodbye as Hikaru nodded his head in acknowledgement and giggled at the same time. When they left, he was left alone once more.

"I kind of envy them..." he mumbled to himself and sighed.

He shook his head and told himself to focus. If he could solve this, then he could sleep well tonight. If he didn't, then he'd stay up all night in bed thinking about it. This wouldn't be the first time he'd done it either. He was obsessive that way and it was a secret he didn't want to admit to anyone, especially Akira.

"Hikaru-kun? Are you still in here?" Ogata-sensei called from one of the open sliding doors leading back to the hallway.

When he entered the room, he smiled and shook his head. "You and he are exactly the same sometimes."

"Do you mean Touya, Ogata-sensei?"

"Yes, of course." Ogata didn't let any more emotion show on his face as his heart ached at talking about Akira with the one person who could capture him in a way he never could. He was happy to even talk that little about Akira because he could never do that with anyone else.

"But I haven't reached his level yet," Hikaru commented as he looked at the board before him. "If I could, then I wouldn't feel so restless."

"You really are so honest..." He came up to him and ruffled Hikaru's blond bangs. "...and so clueless at the same time. "

"Hey! I'm not a little kid!" Hikaru pouted and Ogata laughed in response. "You really are an interesting person."

As he was stepping away, he said, "The hotel staff needs to close this room in ten minutes, so please finish up."

"Okay," Hikaru agreed dejectedly.

When Ogata was about to leave the room, he stopped with his back facing Hikaru. "Everyone has to start clumsily from the beginning or it won't mean as much to them when they get further. So, it doesn't matter what level you are. Akira doesn't care about such things. He only acknowledges people who have the same passion as he does. Good night, Hikaru-kun."

Hikaru looked at the doorway and smiled happily. That comment made his chest feel a little lighter and so he hummed to himself as he placed the stones into their respective containers. He put the lids on the containers and got up, wiping his hands proudly. Putting his jacket on, he walked out to the sliding door. Looking around the room though he'd be there again tomorrow, he smiled to himself.

"This is really an amazing place." He looked up and thought of Sai. "Thank you for taking me here."

Bowing to the staff who had waited for him to exit, he went down a few steps and walked slowly towards the elevators. Hikaru got used to traveling around with everyone, but he still wasn't used to staying at the top hotels in the country and attending banquets or eating the best of foods because in the end, he'd go home and still wear sweatshirts and go to the convenience store for junk food.

This was a part of Akira's world that he didn't feel comfortable in.

While passing an area full of white chairs facing another stage, he completely stopped. It was a Noh stage with a large pine tree in the background. He remembered that the person Akira was battling this morning wasn't him. It was the newcomer who had made a sensation and passed all the tests faster than he had, but he too was from a prestigious family. What made him feel even worse was that the boy made no qualms that he was pursuing Akira relentlessly ever since he'd seen him on television. The boy had gone to the matches, took pictures, talked about Akira's moves and studied them for years until he was old enough to time how he could enter the Go world. It made Hikaru sick and sad to recall that this was the Akira he couldn't touch at all and that this boy had a better chance of understanding 'that world'.

He was so close to becoming the heir to his father's name as Meijin and he as his 'honored rival' was still some levels away from him. As a player, he was hurt, but as a man, his pride too was punctured. He knew they lived in two different worlds and Go was the only way they intersected.

But watching him that afternoon before his match, it made his heart ache in a way he'd never felt before. There were so many times he wanted to just call out Akira's name to let him know he was there supporting him as he always had.

It was like fate had told him that he had no chance to get to this Akira, whose fame and prestige were beyond what he'd previously thought. He didn't know how rich or how proper Akira was because Akira came towards him without these pretenses and told him to keep moving forward.

He wouldn't let that hope slip from his hands.

After all, it is hope that makes a man what he is...

Without thinking, Hikaru's honest face had tears on the rims of his eyelids.

I need more time. And it looks like you don't have that much time to wait for me.

Akira avoided looking in his direction because it never failed to distract him. He always had a gruff expression and pretended not to look at Hikaru though he was always aware of him in the audience. If he did, he couldn't remain as the image of the 'Touya Akira' that he had built inside everyone he met and keep up being the way that everyone thought he was.

So, even now, with very few people passing by to get to their rooms, Akira went back to the stage to find Hikaru standing there vacantly looking at the spot where he'd been at earlier. Akira couldn't see Hikaru's face but he wanted to.

He was the one who requested for this exposition meet to be held for the weekend because he wanted to bring Hikaru away from Tokyo.

"I want to see snow in the countryside. There must be a lot of it there!" Hikaru shouted as they walked to Tokyo Station together because he was disappointed that only few flakes fell before it all turned back to slush.

Akira shook his head at his childish wonder, wanting to hold his hand as they crossed the street.

He never forgot those words.

Hikaru's hands went into fists.

I need to take a walk because I've been in here all day! I'm going to explode and I don't want to think of him anymore!

"Hello," Akira softly said behind him and Hikaru's hands relaxed when he turned around. "Uh, hello." Hikaru laughed nervously and glad that Akira couldn't read his thoughts.

Even after all this time, why did they have to be this formal?

"Is there something so interesting up there?" Akira teased with a monotonous tone.

"I was thinking about your match this afternoon."

"Oh..." Akira's heart fluttered though he kept his cool. "Was it that fun to watch?"

"It's strange to watch you from here," Hikaru pointed at the seat where he sat, which of course Akira knew very well because he sat there after Hikaru had gone to his own match inside the large hallway. "When I'm not sitting across from you, it's easy to see that you move so deftly, as if you're dancing. What I mean is that I was moved to finally understand what 'professional' really meant to you."

The long-haired boy didn't expect this reflection at all. He was at a loss for words as he tried his best to stop from blushing from how touched he was because it was Hikaru saying them.

Hikaru then turned his head and grinned like a satisfied little boy. "You did well, Akira. Very well."

It was the first time he'd called him by his first name.

Akira closed his eyes and smiled, but his mind went completely blank as he stared at the person that his entire attention went to when he wasn't thinking of Go. However, this person never knew at all how much he wanted to come closer to him. He thought of all the things he could do and yet the timing was always wrong.

They never had a chance because he didn't let himself take the step to move forward towards Hikaru. He wanted him so much it almost hurt and he was trained so well to not show anything. It was Ogata-sensei who had scolded him once and raised his voice a little.

"I know you have perfect self-control, but sometimes, you have to let that go. You can't have it all the time."

"You're one to tell me something like that, " Akira answered back in defense. "You won't ever cross the line."

"That's why you play better than I do, Akira." Ogata turned away and went out to smoke.

"I didn't mean to say it like that, Ogata-sensei!" Akira shouted and grabbed Ogata's cufflink.

Ogata looked down at fourteen year-old Akira and wistfully rubbed the tips of Akira's hair in between his fingers. "It's all right because it's true, Akira. Of all the people you see in this world, it's okay to tell me exactly how you feel."

Akira grabbed Ogata's blue shirt with his hands and blinked his eyes with tears in his remorseful eyes. "I like you so much. I didn't mean to say that."

"Akira..." He pulled himself away before he hugged him and was tempted to do something he'd regret.

But now, Akira fully understood those yearning eyes as he looked at Hikaru dismiss himself without protesting, saying that he was going to go for a walk. Akira looked at him helplessly as Hikaru walked away to step into the glass elevator. He watched him as he went down to the first floor and without thinking, he found himself walking quickly to follow him. He didn't know what he wanted to do once he caught him though.

Hikaru had said the words he'd always wanted to hear. He didn't say he was handsome or that he was Touya Meijin's son so that was why he was talented. He always made him laugh as if they'd always been next to each other and filled him with a lightness and soft comfortable feeling that he'd never had with anyone else.

From the moment he walked into the Go salon, he thought he was strange yet stunning. A piece of him was taken away the moment they played and though for this fact too, Hikaru secretly kept his distance from him for a reason he couldn't logically come up with, he knew he'd never be the same.

This 'rival' was the only one who could see through everything and read him as 'himself'.

The blond walked past the closed souvenir shops and out the front doors as quickly as possible. He wanted to feel the frigidness of the air on his cheeks and smiled up at the snow falling to the ground, almost wanting to squeal as soon as he saw it. He knew it was silly, but he loved snow anyway.

He walked out of the parking lot area and turned left to see a small bridge that overlooked the Japan Sea. He stood there and smiled even more, taking a deep breath of the sea salt mixed with the dry air and watching the snowflakes fall down slowly. Reaching out with his ungloved hands, he didn't care about the crinkles of pain that pinched his skin as his hands became colder and colder.

Akira rushed out and looked around to find Hikaru standing under a streetlamp overlooking another parking lot belonging to the hotel next door. He stood there mystified as his eyes clearly saw the purity of the person he'd met seven years ago.

I remember this feeling when I saw snow here because I watched my father's match to become the Meijin. You're making me remember that I thought it was all so magical. I asked my mother then, "Why is there white all over?"

It was never like this down in Tokyo.

Hikaru blinked his eyes and frowned. "I can't reach his world as I am."

"What do you mean?"

Startled, Hikaru clenched his fists and put them into his pockets. "Nothing."

"Are you talking about me?" Akira innocently asked as he came closer to Hikaru. His heart pounded so wildly, he was afraid he'd become too dizzy to talk.

"I was just mumbling to myself. Just forget it," Hikaru said as he put his hand to the back of his head sheepishly again. "Let's go back inside."

"Yes, but you'll tell me what you meant."

"What does it matter to you anyway? You don't have to care about it. I was just being stupid, Touya."

Akira grabbed his wrist and then cupped his hand over Hikaru's fingers. He looked up into Hikaru's face, but although Hikaru was shocked, he didn't pull away.

"If it's anyone besides me that you're talking about, I won't stand for it." Akira's tone had become as fierce as his eyes whenever he played Go. It made Hikaru's take a deep breath as he tried to find another way to run away, just like he had all these years.

"Stop joking around."

Akira's harsh tone truly made him stop breathing all together for a few seconds.

Without answering, Akira pulled Hikaru's jacket cuff all the way back to the hotel and up the elevator. Hikaru tried to press four for his floor, but Akira shook his head. "We will go to my room and talk."

"You don't have to be so serious."

"Who are you talking to, Shindou?"

Hikaru gulped as they made it to the tenth floor and went to a corner room, overlooking the sea he had grown fond of. When he went inside, he went towards the window when Akira flicked the light on. He could see the place he was catching snowflakes from and Akira watched his mirrored reflection as he locked the door behind him. Taking off his coat and dropping it to the floor, Akira walked up behind him and forcefully pressed his hands against Hikaru's onto the icy window.

"What are you doing, Touya?"

"I'm making sure you weren't talking about anyone but me."

"Why are you acting so weird?" Hikaru blushed as he felt Akira pressing his cheek against his own while his coat made swishing noises because of Akira's chin placing itself onto the crook between his cheek and his shoulder.

"Am I now?" Akira wanted to chuckle as his tone went a little deeper. Then, he let go of Hikaru's right hand and wrapped his arm around Hikaru's waist to pull him closer to him.

Even so, Hikaru squirmed as his cheeks became hotter as Akira's warm breath seeped into Hikaru's cold ears.

"You...I..." Hikaru couldn't make sense of what was going on because he imagined this before when he was by himself. He never thought the ever-controlled Akira could feel just as much for him. "...I think you're too tired that you don't know what you're doing anymore."

"Oh...I know exactly what I'm doing, Hikaru." He bit on his earlobe. "I can't stand it anymore."

"I didn't know..." Hikaru said breathlessly before he turned his face as Akira leaned his face forward to kiss Hikaru on the lips with the tips of his bangs tickling Hikaru's cheeks.

But at that moment, Hikaru pushed him away and ran to one side. "I respect you too much. That's why I didn't do anything. That's why I didn't ask you out. I didn't want you to think that I only thought of you like this and that that was the only reason why I was chasing after you."

Akira stood looking at the window with his arms feeling the warmth of Hikaru's blood disappearing. "You're so stupid, Hikaru. Who do you think set this whole thing up?"

Akira turned his face and looked at him straight in the eye. "It's not the most honorable thing you'd expect of me, but I put this whole exhibition up so that I could talk to you."

"And with that...do you just expect me to sleep with you?"

"No. What I mean is that I spent all these years anticipating what kind of game you'd give me the next time we'd be together. I've spent hours looking at clips of you on tv and all the kifu and reading all the newspaper articles. I watched videos online to remember your expressions and the way you fought against me."

Akira took a deep breath. "I don't know anything or anyone else besides you and Go. I know that's wrong and that I should learn to obsess over something else...but can't you see? It's because I respect you so much that makes me fall for you more and more."

Then, he stepped closer to Hikaru. "That's why the thought of you thinking of someone else in Go would made me go absolutely crazy. And the more you play the way you do, I have to become ice because I think you'd hate me for how illogically unreasonable and possessive I have become over you in my mind."

The look in his eyes never lied. Even when Akira was calm, the fire wanted to consume even the body that held it.

He held Hikaru's face in between his hands. "It took me so many years to perfect what I can do now and it only took you less than half that time. If I don't give you a match that you're satisfied with, you won't chase me."

Hikaru's face was shocked as Akira leaned his forehead to touch his. "If I become predictable to you, if I lose what is powerful and mysterious, then you'll forget about me. I fear that every single time I play Go."

Akira took a deep breath and closed his eyes, unable to look at the ground, fearing he'd really see how thoroughly he'd thrown his heart on the ground to be massacred with those words. He'd never been so honest about anything in his whole life and it brought tears to his eyes because he never knew what fear was until he'd met this man before him.

Hikaru gulped and took a long careful breath before he saw Akira lift up his head to see those beautiful, sincere tears on his face falling down his cheeks.

"This is the real you..." Hikaru mumbled and smiled to himself.

This was the person he'd been searching for beyond all the masks.

Hikaru began to laugh as he lifted Akira off the ground and hugged his waist while burying his face into Akira's stomach, shaking his head and forth. Akira laughed like a child at being tickled as he tried to hold onto Hikaru's shoulders to balance himself. He hovered him and hugged him as Hikaru embraced him tighter and tighter.

I love you so much too.

Akira kissed the top of his head and Hikaru put him down. They looked at each other for a moment before Hikaru went towards the window and opened it. A chilly wind came into the room as he tried to catch snowflakes in his hands.

"I've always wondered what they tasted like."

"Wouldn't it be like water?"

"Let's see." Hikaru drank the melted water and then turned around.

"So...?"

Hikaru grabbed his wrist to pull him towards him and kissed Akira on the lips. He pulled away and then looked at him hungrily and watched Akira take a deep breath before he kissed him again.

Akira lightly pushed him away. "You better get ready for your own match tomorrow. If you let anyone besides me beat you, I'll never forgive you, Shindou."

Hikaru blinked his eyes and gave an even warmer smile with his cheeks becoming redder than ever. He pointed at him like the first time Akira shouted at him in the street. "You're on, Touya!"

When Akira closed the door, he leaned on it and folded his arms with the widest grin he ever had in his life. Then, he shook his head and tears started to come out of his eyes again.

"There's no one like me, Father." A five-year-old Akira said as he looked down at the Go board before them.

"Someday..." his father answered as he looked at the genius play that everyone left alone until the next day to completely gawk over. "...someone will not be scared of you, Akira."
"Are you sure?"

"Yes, my son. No one cannot grow in their art without an honored rival."

+/+/+/+/+

The next day, the great hall had been transformed to a row of tables facing the stage at the front. All the boards from yesterday were cleared away to have a single one in the front with a wide screen television showing the plays as they were being done.

Hikaru had posed a warm-up question but it wasn't something that anyone could have thought of. He proudly took the microphone and said, "I was asked to come up with a play that was challenging and two days ago, before I came here, I had a dream. An old friend who had taught me to play had a match with me."

He smiled though his eyes were becoming red. "And we played until this point. So this wasn't entirely by me. This was half created by someone you know as Sai."

The people who remembered the name felt a tingle of recollection and began to clap. They recalled the excitement that name had given on the internet. Even the Meijin smiled a little to himself at hearing the name.

Hikaru's heart pounded because he was able to say the secret he had held without explaining too much. Akira stood up and looked at the television screen, but his eyes immediately stared at Hikaru.

And from where he was standing, their eyes met. They knew that no matter how far they were away from each other, the other was watching so carefully...

...and fate was showing them that even if they were forcefully ripped apart, they would pull towards one another like stars in the universe,

closer than before.

Owari.

+/+/+/+/+

Author's note: After writing fanfics for so long, you become a little uncertain in some ways and become confident in others. Did I grow? Am I growing as I write? These are the questions I always ask myself when I go back to write for a beloved favorite.

Have I moved on? What makes this title so special that I cannot let go of it though I've graduated from others? For Hikaru no Go, I think it's the atmosphere that gets my heart so excited. Whether I see a picture, watch a part of an episode, read dojinshi or most likely, listen to its soundtrack, it never fails to teach me that my heart still knows how to dream and that even when many people tell me that I am crazy to do as I please, and I've lost many friends for being stubborn that way, I still think that living the life you want is what is most important.

I think that is something I love about Akira. He always knew and Hikaru pulled him to look deeper while at the same time, Hikaru would have never known his true potential if Akira didn't tell him he was worthy. And in each person, we aim for that goal: To sacrifice for what we want. However, whether or not we take that risk to give our heart away at the point we should choose is what divides people from one another and brings them closer to others.

Thank you for reading!

Love,

Yui

12/27/2011 3:20:59 AM - LA