Closure, a gakuen alice fanfic

Author's notes: READ FIRST! I know It's Christmas season and if you're looking for a fluffy story to read, you can keep on looking. This is not what I will call happy. Just a heads up. ;) I just had to write this down, it was hunting me. My very first non NatsuMikan story. Happy Holidays, you guys!

C L O S U R E

by Acrianz

She really should have left an hour ago. She wasn't even finished with her project yet! Her horse still had no head. She was quite worried her group mates would use all the rubber foam. She sighed and ran her fingers through her brown hair.

"I really can't go tomorrow," she heard a familiar voice said. She turned around, her hazel eyes met with ocean blue ones. "I'm sorry, Mikan. It's just that I've been assigned to monitor one booth. I want to go, but I can't," the guy sighed.

Mikan pouted. "But we made plans for this weeks ago. Besides, I'm a part of this parade, not just a spectator. And we're even the best part! Please come. Please, Ruka?"

The brunette was not at all pleased that both of their universities were holding events on the same day. She wanted him to go with her and watch the annual parade that her university had been preparing for a month. She wanted to go with him and watch local bands perform at his university!

Ruka sat on the bed with her and held her hands. He traced circles on them with his thumbs. "I want to, you know that. But I really can't."

Mikan noticed that he didn't add 'Maybe next time?' like he usually did. She swallowed the lump in her throat. She felt it. She knew what was happening but she didn't dare say it. She didn't want to.

"I just wanna spend time with you. I know we promised to always keep in touch even though we're attending different universities, but lately. . " She looked at Ruka , hoping that his eyes would hint what he was feeling, but he wasn't even looking at her. His eyes were glued to the floor. She continued, "..Lately, I feel like we're slowly drifting apart."

She wanted him to hug her. She wanted him to assure her that it's all her imagination, that they were still fine. But he did neither. He stayed silent as if he was afraid of what he might say.

And then, all of her thoughts about the Christmas Parade her university was holding the next day flew out of the window. Right then, she just wanted to be sure that what they had was still there.

Mikan looked at him, taking his appearance in. It's been too long since they talked in person. And now, she didn't even like where their conversation was going. How she wanted to run her fingers through his soft blond hair. But she wouldn't. Not until the feeling of uncertainty leaves her.

"Ruka? Say something."

The blond held her hands tighter before letting them go. He shut his eyes as though gathering his courage. "Honestly? I don't know what to say."

That we'll be okay, Mikan wanted to yell. This was it. She knew this was it. She wanted to leave so that she wouldn't have to hear the words. But she knew she could only hold on to him for so long. She couldn't anymore, not when he let go of her already.

"What's happening to us, Ruka?"

This was the first time they had seen each other in over five months. And in those months, their calls consisted of only greetings. Mikan felt as if they were just acquaintances.

She didn't know what was going on with him anymore and she doubted that he knew what was happening around her. It wasn't supposed to be like this. They had promised each other that no matter what, they'd still go strong. They had sworn to always make time for each other. They vowed not to let distance tear them apart.

And now this.

What worse though was that he couldn't even say it. He couldn't even tell her that they weren't okay. He couldn't even admit that they had broken their promises.

In Mikan's defense though, she tried her best to keep them. Her friends knew she tried. She often visited him last semester but he had to understand that she too, was having a hard time with her studies. He hadn't even visited her yet. It was always her.

Look where they're having this conversation. She found out that he was free and so she dashed out of her dorm just to see him. She set her project that was due tomorrow aside.

Didn't she at least deserve an honest response?

"What's happening to us, Ruka?" she repeated. Tears were starting to well up in her eyes.

"Mikan, I. .I just. ."

Dammit, why couldn't he just say it? Why prolong her agony?

"Ruka, please. You and I both know what this conversation is all about. I need this closure. We both do. Will you just man up and say the words?"

Ruka's eyes widened. He looked at her. At the sight of her tears, he reached out again, but Mikan refused his touch. He looked dejected. "Mikan, I don't want to hurt you."

"I know. I don't want to hurt you, too. But we're only going to hurt more if we just keep on prolonging it like this. I don't want this, trust me I don't. But I can't be the only one who's holding on!"

"I don't want to lose you. I just..I don't know. I don't know what's going on."

Mikan wiped her tears but it was no use. They just kept coming back. "You do. I do. What's going on is that we're falling apart. I've been trying to save us, Ruka. But you weren't helping me! I wasn't strong enough for the both of us. I needed you. But it's all too late."

She heard him sigh. "Mikan. I.. I'm sorry."

"I am, too. I really thought we would last, you know?" she laughed humourlessly, "I really thought we'd be the one percent who stayed strong until the end. But we're not."

Why couldn't he end it yet? Did he want Mikan to do it, just so he'd feel less guilty about it? Man, and she thought he was a gentlemen. Well, he was. But not right now.

"I guess, I'm still going to be the one who'll end us, huh?" She wanted to slap him, hard. But she also wanted to hug him. Her emotions were starting to mix up.

Mikan leaned forward and kissed him. She put all of her emotions into that kiss. Ruka kissed her back with the anguish and the love they shared for almost two years. They knew that this kiss would be the last one.

The brunette pulled away. "I just want to let you know, that I really did love you. I still do, but we just couldn't be anymore. And I will never regret giving you all of my firsts, because I loved you very much during those times."

Ruka looked at her eyes. "I love you, too. Believe me, even if it's the last time, I love you. You always have been my first love, and you'll always have a special place in my heart. I'm sorry we came to this. But know that I'll always be here for you. That's the promise I will never going to break. I don't regret giving you all my firsts either.

"Mikan, I know that you're going to be upset for a few days, but forget it all tomorrow. Tomorrow, I want you to be happy, even if I'm not there. I still want the best for you, you know. And I know it's not me. You're a wonderful person, and you deserve someone way better than me. There's someone out there who's going to treat you better, who's going to love you more than I could ever do. But please, know that you always have me as a friend."

Mikan nodded and despite her tears, she tried to smile. "I know. Goodbye, Ruka."

She got up and walked towards the door.

She cried. She cried because it hurt. She cried because they just officially ended a love that lasted for two years. She cried for the loss of her first love.

But Ruka's words kept ringing in her ears. Maybe.

Maybe there really was someone out there made for her.