Title: The Old Hat
Author: Tearsofamiko
Rating: K
Disclaimer: Yeah, no, I just play with them.
Spoilers: Really just general knowledge of seasons 1 & 2.
Summary: When old habits fail spectacularly.
After years of 'practice,' Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs was an old hat at ignoring his emotions. If an emotion bothered him or distracted him, he shoved it away and closed it off. Widowed after his first marriage? The agonizing sadness didn't exist. Three failed marriages? He ignored the guilt and frustration. A fling in Paris with a fellow agent? Of course he didn't yearn for what might have been.
But a petite brunette who challenged his control and simply wouldn't let him be? This old hat suddenly found himself unable to keep her and the bothersome feelings accompanying her at a distance.
From the moment Gibbs'd bounded up the stairs and into the president's plane, her beguiling brown eyes had him fascinated. Unlike most brown eyes he'd seen, which had been flat and shallow, Kate's were deep and alluring, catching his gaze and stealing his attention. Her pert comments and snappy comebacks, he found, were intriguingly reflected in the fiery spark that would glow in those brown depths. Her disdain for DiNozzo's playboy habits caused a frost to chill her gaze and Gibbs had been glad he wasn't the recipient. In that first day, he'd learned that amusement caused her eyes to sparkle, anger caused a fire to glow in them, and frustration caused a hard, cold sheen that hid all other thoughts. Looking back, he wondered if he'd hired her so he could continue to learn the secrets of her eyes. But such an old hat at self-denial, he refused to consider the possibility.
Despite his years of abstinence, the feel of her warm, young body under his hands as he questioned her in the bathroom of Air Force One was one of the hardest things Gibbs had made himself ignore. The old hat routine was so hard to continue, especially when faced with her wardrobe. Fitted suits, snug sweaters, and tight, knee-length skirts tore at his control. He refused to gratify any obscure feeling he'd frantically hidden; DiNozzo's comments were bad enough and Gibbs made sure he knew that. The appearance of Kate's first fitted blouse and hip-hugging skirt had DiNozzo (and Gibbs) practically drooling, but a well-placed knock on the head had closed the young agent's mouth and silenced any suggestive comments. A daily temptation, Gibbs gratefully pulled his old hat act back into play and managed to keep from staring at his colleague at work and refused to dream of her at night. So what if his shoulders got a little sore from the extra work on his boat? Habit dictated that his emotions stayed at a distance and Gibbs wasn't about to argue.
But the old routine flew out the window when he gradually came to realize that Kate would always be there, unfailingly loyal. No matter what time he called, how late they stayed in the office, or what was asked of her, she was with him, rarely with a complaint. Even after all the years he'd trusted DiNozzo to have his six, Gibbs was amazed that there could be another person so willing to simply be there if he needed it. So, using his old 'Marines never leave anyone behind' excuse, he ignored the typical old hat response and tried his best to be there for his team – and Kate – too.
He was lying under his boat one night, the hand tools abandoned on the floor, mulling over the day's case when the absence of old habits made itself painfully clear. He'd been worried about Kate today, and DiNozzo. The suspect they'd cornered had turned unstable in the face of certain arrest and had pulled a gun on the younger agents. Gibbs'd been halfway across the warehouse when the threatening began and, with his agents in danger, unable to do anything. Attempting to draw the suspect's attention, Gibbs had called out his name and inadvertently scared the nervous gunman into pulling the trigger. Only Tony's lightning-fast reflexes, honed on Baltimore's streets, had saved the agents and allowed Gibbs to put a bullet in the gunman's shoulder. In the aftermath of it all, the flimsy barriers against Gibbs' Kate-centric feelings had disappeared. And no amount in hand-sanding or old hat tricks had built them back up. For the first time in years, Gibbs was overwhelmed by the emotions and he had no defenses against him.
He was terrified of losing Kate. Yeah, he worried about DiNozzo, but DiNozzo could take care of himself. Kate, however... She was too important, too vital, he knew, without any exact reasons. And he'd let her get too close.
An old hat at ignoring his emotions, Gibbs was puzzled at this absolute lapse.
He'd let her get too close for her safety.
He'd let her get too close for his safety.
And no amount of old hat techniques was ever going to fix that.