So This is Nothingness

by tempestquill

The sound of the door sliding open catches his attention and he’s torn from the thoughts of what is to follow, this Nothingness the Shinigami promised. He had used the Death Note after all, his fate is sealed, even with all of the notebooks destroyed.

Disclaimer: I do not own or have any affiliation whatsoever with Deathnote.

Notes: This fic is based off of the Deathnote live action films.

"So This is Nothingness"
By C.K. Blake

Ryuzaki moves the chess piece and in his mind calls, "Checkmate."

The sound of the door sliding open catches his attention and he's torn from the thoughts of what is to follow, this Nothingness the Shinigami promised. He had used the Death Note after all, his fate is sealed, even with all of the notebooks destroyed.

He looks up with a somber smile at Soichiro Yagami, the father of Kira. He takes a bite from his chocolate bar, savoring the flavor as the older man begins to speak, and he can see the pity in the grieving man's eyes. It's mostly just talk of the case, what Yagami-san told the police. Ryuzaki told them everything, apparently Yagami told them everything with the exception of the Shinigami.

"They have decided against announcing Kira's death."

Ryuzaki gives a nod. "Light was killed by Kira? Isn't that how the story goes?"

"That is what I will tell my wife and Sayu…" Here Yagami-san pauses, and then takes in a short breath. "I'm sorry, Ryuzaki."

Ryuzaki shakes his head, wondering how this man, a father whom he's deprived of a child, can apologize to him. "No, Yagami-san. I'm the one to apologize. I put Light's life at risk. Everyone's life at risk…"

With a small sigh Ryuzaki takes another bite of chocolate. "My time is almost up. I'd rather be alone," he pauses, and then after a thought adds, "Actually…I've never had parents. But Mr. Yagami, I know you must have been a great father. I thank you."

He hides his smile as Mr. Yagami brightens a little at that, and then Mr. Yagami gives him a salute before stepping out of the room, the door sliding shut behind him.

Ryuzaki takes another bite of the chocolate, his eyes close as he savors the sweet flavor bursting on his tongue for one last time. He remembers the night of Light's confession.

"Light-kun. I'm sorry we can't be friends."

He trembles a little. He's had twenty-three days to prepare for this, still he can't help being afraid. This is death. He only has moments left. He remembers the Shinigami's words to Light.

"Humans who use the Death Note can't go to Heaven or to Hell. What awaits them after death is Nothingness."

He feels the first stutter in his chest, the beginning of his death. His breathing slows, his mind races, this is it. He knows to expect it, and still it manages to surprise him. He'd hoped after destroying the Notes it would be done, but what is written cannot be changed. His final breath passes his lips, he imagines it smells of the chocolate he's been eating. His hand falls down to the sofa, next to a picture of Watari.

Darkness falls around him for a moment, and then he blinks. His eyes widen and he finds himself still in his room, only he's standing. He shifts his gaze to the sofa. There is his body, done, growing cold in death, his hand and the chocolate bar next to the picture of Watari. He steps closer to the body, tilting his head to the side as he studies it. The body's eyes are closed, and it looks so peaceful. Like going to sleep.

A shiver crawls up his spine, and he wonders how he can still feel if he's in Nothingness, as the Shinigami said. Shouldn't he be done? Why does he still exist?

He lifts his head at the sound of a familiar voice.

"I believe this is what Catholics would call Purgatory. We've used the Note, neither of us can go to Heaven or to Hell, but the energy that is our souls cannot just cease to exist, so we are here, and perhaps to Shinigami our world is Nothingness, and we have become like Nothingness. The living cannot see us. Misa-Misa will join us in few years. Maybe that is apt punishment for my foolishness, but this sacrifice of yours. I never saw that coming Ryuzaki-san. You were far more clever than I originally thought."

Ryuzaki smiles a little. "When I was sure you were Kira, I didn't want you to be. You were my first and only friend, even though I knew how badly you wanted to kill me. When you gave up your memories you changed, became someone I wanted to have as a friend. I never allowed myself to feel. It interferes with logic, and my logic is all I've ever had."

Light takes a step toward Ryuzaki, and tilts his head to the side. "Why did you write your name in the Death Note?"

"Because once you knew my name you would have done it, and I share your fate, I knew that the moment I knew you were Kira, Light-kun. Besides too many sacrifices were being made, too many lives lost. It was time it ended, and if that cost was my life, I was willing to make it, as I have proven. I'm just sorry I made the mistake that cost Watari his life."

"Before you died you told my father you never had parents…"

Ryuzaki nods. "Yes, I was an orphan. Watari found me, and despite my strangeness he saw my potential. He was like a father, I suppose you could say."

Light runs his tongue across his lips. "You were right about my father. He was a great man, a great father. I failed him, broke his heart, still he chooses to protect my memory in the eyes of my mother and Sayu."

Ryuzuki shrugs. "He does that more for their sakes than yours. Still it is noble of him."

Light rolls his eyes. "I can admit that I was wrong. Being here, and being nothing gives me time to think, and I've watched you, counting down the days, then hours, minutes. I had no right to take life. It was very arrogant, and made me no better than those I judged. I have all of eternity to confront these thoughts."

"And it seems you will not be alone for this, Light-kun. I made a choice too. I used the Note as well."

"But it was your own life that was sacrificed. That makes yours a noble death."

"I was selfish. You should know this. I knew in using the Note we would share the same fate. In fact, I was counting on it."

"Why tell me this now, Ryuzaki?"

"Because while we were equals in profile in life, we are also equals now. I've never been so drawn into any case before, but there was something about Kira, the way he thought and acted. I'm sure that if our roles had been reversed, I too might have found myself at the same end. Your ideals were innocent, child-like, making the world safer, better, even if your actions were not. That is how I knew you were him. Because I could think like you," Ryuzaki replies.

Light chuckles. "You know, when I knew that Rem would write your name in the Note, I felt remorse. You were always a worthy adversary, L."

"As were you Kira."

Light smiles and reaches out, his hand landing on Ryuzaki's shoulder and then his eyes widen. Ryuzaki straightens a little and his dark eyes meet Light's astonished gaze questioningly.

Light stumbles back a step and looks from his hand to Ryuzaki's shoulder.

"What is it?" Ryuzaki asks.

"I can touch you. I've tried touching others, but my hand passes through them, and all they do is shiver. I can move things, but cannot touch people."

Ryuzaki smiles. "That explains how the knight took my queen yesterday when I went to get some more chocolate. You were haunting me."

"Yes, and I was wondering if you would join me when your time came. This is better than being alone."

"Certainly not what I expected, but not all together unpleasant," Ryuzaki replies, and he lifts his left foot and rubs at the back of his right calf. His feet bare as usual.

Light looks down at his feet and then asks, "Why do you never wear socks or shoes?"

"They are confining. Is there anything else you wish to know?" Ryuzaki asks, a brow raised in challenge.

"Why sweets?"

"I like the way the flavor bursts on your tongue. My favorite, aside from cake, is dark chocolate, how it bites before the sweetness breaks through. It also helped to soothe me. I've always had trouble sleeping. My mind works too fast. Leaves very little time for sleep. Your father discovered this while we had cameras in your room. I fell asleep a few times, and once he put a blanket around my shoulders. He was a father first, before a police chief. You should know he loved you, loves you still," Ryuzaki says, and looks up through the hair hanging in his face, and watches the pained expression cross Light's face. "I do not mean to hurt you now. We were rivals in life. What do you think that makes us now?"

Light shrugs. "We have a lot of time ahead of us to find out, Ryuzaki-san."

--

One Year Later:

Light watches as his mother puts the finishing touches on the cake she's made in honor of his birthday. Her and Sayu laughing about how he used to let Sayu blow out the candles on his birthday cake. They talk about how gentle a boy he was, and then it begins to snow. He wonders what they would think if they knew the truth.

"You're so lost in your thoughts today," Ryuzaki says.

"It's my birthday."

Ryuzaki sighs. "The best time for cake. If there is one thing I miss, it has to be food. Chocolate, cake, marshmallows, tea, sugar, lollipops."

"You and food," Light replies with an affectionate roll of his eyes, and it's at this moment that he realizes that he and Ryuzaki have accomplished in death what they couldn't in life. They are friends.

Ryuzaki tilts his head in thought as he squats on the chair in the Yagami's sitting room. He stops biting his thumb and asks, "What are you thinking about now, Light-kun?"

"How funny it is that we are friends."

Ryuzaki gets to his feet. "I think it was bound to happen. Why be miserable in our shared fate? We are intellectual equals, and all that we have in this existence is each other. It's only natural that we seek the other's company. Would you rather we were alone and slowly driven mad? Do you think that is what happens to others like us? To ghosts? We are bound by the Note that we both used. That must be why we keep each other's company."

"Of course it is, Ryuzaki L. Lawliet."

"My full name? You mind is truly restless right now, isn't it, Light Yagami?"

"There are things I miss. I never thought I would miss life so much. I saw what the world could be with my guidance, but I never saw this. The one time I didn't think of the consequences."

Ryuzaki approaches him carefully and drops a hand on Light's shoulder. "This is the cost of arrogance. I have paid the same price. What is it that you miss so much? Is it food? Your family? Your friends?"

Light snorts. "I didn't have friends, just acquaintances, people I knew who I could manipulate. A man on his way to becoming a God has no need for friends."

Ryuzaki turns away, but Light still catches the slight coloring of his cheeks as Ryuzaki whispers, "I would like to think that had circumstances been different we might have been friends when we were alive. Perhaps if I hadn't been L and you hadn't been Kira."

"But then we never would have known each other."

"This is true. In that case I think I would change nothing, save for the death of Watari, he was innocent, just trying to do what he did best, help and guide me in solving an impossible case."

Light cocks his head at this and narrows his eyes on Ryuzaki. "And you were not an innocent?"

A smile curls the edge of Ryuzaki's mouth as he looks up to meet Light's inquisitive gaze. "I sacrificed many things to solve the Kira case, allowed many deaths to occur, even allowed it to continue when I could have stopped by collecting the books and destroying them when I knew they were the cause of the destruction, all because I cannot stand to lose, much like yourself. I could blame my lack of knowledge concerning people and society, but there is no blame to be cast except on myself, which makes me guilty."

"What a completely immature way of looking at things," Light replies flippantly.

Ryuzaki shrugs. "It is through the heart and eyes of a child that one encounters truth best. Even you can agree with that, Light-kun."

A change of subject is needed, and as he thinks of girls he finds himself accompanied by Ryuzaki to Misa Amane's apartment. Ryuzaki's eyes widen and he smirks as he looks at Light. "Now we find ourselves haunting your accomplice? Girlfriend? Is this what you miss, Light? So strange that someone who wasn't entirely interested in human contact would miss this. Then again you have more social experience than I did."

"I guess it wouldn't be that hard to believe that you never had much of a social life. You mentioned you were a fan of Misa's."

"Ah yes. I loved her recipes. Especially her cakes. Oh how I miss cake," Ryuzaki replies as he runs his tongue across his lips and rubs the back of his right calf with his bare left foot.

"So you only loved the food? Surely you found someone attractive. Even if you didn't get out much," Light says and then he smirks as he notices the color returning to Ryuzaki's cheeks. "You can tell me. I promise I won't laugh."

"But you just might, and we have too much time ahead of us for you to have this to hold over my head."

Light chuckles as he takes a seat in the desk chair Misa abandoned. Ryuzaki perches on the end of Misa's bed, careful to avoid her sleeping form, even though he would just pass through her, she would feel the chill of his presence, and he doesn't know the effects that would have on someone who once held the power of a Death Note.

His toes curl against the black comforter on her bed, and he stares at Light as he nibbles on his thumb. His mind puzzling over whether or not he should tell Light the truth. He wonders what this could mean for the rest of their eternity trapped in this, what Ryuk had called, Nothingness.

"So there is someone. Come on Ryuzaki, we've had a year to get to know each other. Or has death done nothing to help you trust in others?" Light challenges him.

"Why should I give myself away to someone who once wanted nothing more than to kill me?" Ryuzaki replies, and drops his left foot to the floor, his toes wiggling, and Light knows that something is definitely on Ryuzaki's mind.

"Ryuzaki-san?" Light asks, concern edging his voice, because he doesn't know just yet how well Ryuzaki can hold a grudge, and they have a lot of time ahead of them.

Ryuzaki finally picks his gaze up from the floor and says, "I don't know much in the way of being social, of how to act around people. I guess that isn't much of a problem now in our present situation, but even before now, when I was getting to know you. This connection I felt we shared, and now, with you every day, like when you were under my surveillance…"

"It's me?" Light asks, and he gets up from the chair, carefully approaching Ryuzaki. "You like me?"

"Is that a problem, Light-kun?" Ryuzaki asks, lifting his gaze and raising his chin in defiance.

Light is careful in how he chooses to answer. "Not a problem. Just a surprise."

--

Time seems to have little meaning anymore. Misa's career is steadily on the rise, and haunting his family and Misa is getting somewhat boring. At least he has Ryuzaki to keep him occupied, and Ryuzaki is still as big a mystery as ever. He's admitted he's attracted to Light, and yet things are still as they were before, just talking and sometimes companionable silence. Ryuzaki is not the worst person to share eternity in Nothingness with. Still, they are corporeal to each other, and every time Light makes a move to touch Ryuzaki, just reach out to remember what it's like to be real, Ryuzaki pulls away from him.

It's strange when Light finds himself in a cemetery with Ryuzaki kneeling before a headstone, his toes curling in the grass. Ryuzaki's fingers brush across the etching on the stone, and Light tilts his head and his eyes widen as he realizes that they are at Ryuzaki's grave.

"Why are we here?" he asks, long accustomed to the fact that he and Ryuzaki cannot go anywhere in this world without the other.

Ryuzaki looks up at him with a small, sad smile. "Because there is no one to make a cake in memory of me on my birthday."

Light kneels down next to Ryuzaki, puts his hand on Ryuzaki's shoulder, and something inside of him warms at the touch, and his grip tightens on Ryuzaki's shoulder as he tries to pull away.

"Don't Ryuzaki-san. Sometimes I miss contact. This reminds me that I'm real, that this is not a dream and I'm not alone in this, and maybe my punishment is more merciful than it should be."

"And what if this is torment for me?" Ryuzaki snaps back, and Light is surprised at the heat in his voice. Usually Ryuzaki is so composed, so rational, seemingly beyond emotion.

"This is not comforting to you? A little human contact?" Light asks.

"What about us is human anymore, Light Yagami?" he challenges, and then adds, "I do not wish to be your comfort, another one of your acquaintances that you use. I am just a distraction until your Misa is finally among us."

Light snorts. "What makes you think I am so interested in Misa? She was but a means to an end, and I do not look forward to her joining us."

"What game are you playing, Light-kun? We stand to gain nothing except animosity between us at this point if you keep pushing this."

Words are useless. Ryuzaki knows how to counter and manipulate words. From what Light has come to learn about him, that is what Ryuzaki is best at, cutting to the point with a razor sharp edge, his tongue always acting as the knife. Light needs to approach this from a different, unexpected angle.

He grabs Ryuzaki, holds him still, and praying that Ryuzaki doesn't have an opportunity to act in retaliation first, he darts forward, their lips colliding. A strangled sound escapes Ryuzaki's lips, and Light takes advantage of the opportunity. He slips his tongue between Ryuzaki's lips, and with the momentum of Ryuzaki trying to pull away they both tumble to the ground.

Light's hands land on either side of Ryuzaki's head, and Light opens his eyes, wondering when he closed them. Ryuzaki is staring up at him in shock, his chest heaving, even though neither of them need air to maintain their existence. Light watches as Ryuzaki runs his tongue across his kiss-bruised lips, and then Ryuzaki is shoving him away.

Light stumbles, landing in a sprawl on Ryuzaki's grave. Ryuzaki gets to his feet, shooting a sharp glare in Light's direction. Light manages to stand, and takes a step toward Ryuzaki, and Ryuzaki's right foot comes up, his toes only a scant inch from Light's face. Light lowers his gaze to that threatening foot and then blinks and meets Ryuzaki's dark eyes.

"Why are you fighting me, Ryuzaki-san? Is this what you thought of while you had me by your side under twenty-four hour surveillance? Did you want me even then as you hoped that I wasn't Kira? Or did you want me because you were so sure that I was Kira, and that I could best you?"

Ryuzaki lowers his foot, his gaze trained to the ground, because he refuses to answer this, and it's not just because he doesn't have the answer. He doesn't want to prove Light right, not in this.

Light takes a step forward and Ryuzaki takes one backward and shakes his head. "Don't think this changes things, Light-kun. We are trapped for eternity. Would you see us spending it fighting? We are here to pay for the sins we committed in using a tool of the Gods. You would have us committing sins in our punishment as well?"

"Like we have either Heaven or Hell to look forward to," Light replies, his voice laced with a challenge, and Ryuzaki doesn't like the fact that he kind of agrees with Light's logic.

Light spares a glance at Ryuzaki's headstone and sighs. "At least you died peacefully. Having gotten to know you, that gives me some relief. Your death was not as painful as mine."

This catches the curiosity in Ryuzaki and he can't help the question burning on his tongue as he sits down next to his grave, his toes curling in the cool grass as he pulls his knees up to his chin, and begins to nibble on his thumb as he gets comfortable. Light sighs as he sits down. They are facing each other, and Ryuzaki tilts his head, patiently waiting for Light to continue, but then it occurs to him that maybe he should begin this particular conversation.

"What was it like, when you died? With me, it was almost like falling asleep, but you… I saw the pain in your eyes, on your face. It made me afraid for what was to come, even though I'd written my death as a peaceful one."

Light tilts his own head at the question, thinking over it carefully. "It was a stabbing pain, like something poking into my chest, and then it was like something seized my heart, squeezing it tighter and tighter, and my lungs burned. I couldn't breathe anymore, losing my breath. It was the worst pain I'd ever known in my whole life. I'm glad that you didn't know this pain in death. I deserved the pain, as part of my punishment, for all the people I killed that way. Even if my cause was noble in the beginning… My father was right. Justice is not meant for one lone idealist."

"It's a little late for that lesson."

"You never fail to point out the obvious, Ryuzaki."

"Why do you miss contact so much?"

Light is taken by surprise at the question. He shrugs. "I never thought I would miss it. It's only over time, and being here, unseen and unheard, with only you for company that I sometimes find myself wondering if I even exist anymore. Something makes us corporeal in this Nothingness we share, and touch is the one thing that reminds me that I do still exist. How can you not miss it?"

"I never had it," is Ryuzaki's simple reply.

Light's eyes widen at that and then he draws his tongue across his lips, pleased when Ryuzaki's eyes follow the movement. "So that was your first kiss?"

Ryuzaki nods, and Light continues, "Then what if you can have contact now? Naturally you must be curious. It's your nature to be."

"And what happens when Misa joins us in this existence? What happens if we tire of each other? We cannot go anywhere without the other. Do we really want this hanging over our heads when our time here is endless?"

"That does not mean that I will stop pursuing you, wanting touch. And if you are afraid that I will seek that from Misa, then you do not know me as well as you think you do. She is hardly worthy of my attention and affection. She was only useful to me because she had the eyes."

"Affection? Is that what you've come to think?"

"If you must come to a conclusion, then here it is, I have no one else but you right now. Call it a lack of options that has grown to something more. I have thought a lot about this since I realized you liked me."

"And as I said before. It changes nothing."

Light shifts to his hands and knees, crawls toward Ryuzaki, his eyes narrow. Ryuzaki is frozen as he watches Light draw nearer. Light's hands end up on the ground on either side of Ryuzaki, his fingers curling in the grass, his knees warm against Ryuzaki's toes, and he only feels warmth when he's this close to Ryuzaki. He runs his tongue across his lips and smirks when Ryuzaki's gaze falls to his mouth. He leans forward just that little bit more and their lips meet again, noses bumping awkwardly, and it's definitely not hard to believe that Ryuzaki has never done this before, but there is so much they can learn together, while this is new, and if it means warmth, then Light wants it.

"This changes everything, and you know it, Ryuzaki-san."

--

It's the second anniversary of Light's death, and Ryuzaki wonders how he's managed to make it this far without being driven mad. He remembers when things were simpler, when logic was the one thing he clung to. Making sense of things, that is what he's good at, but that was before the Kira case, before Light Yagami. Now he's stuck in this endless Nothingness with Light, and fighting off Light and this thing growing inside of him, this aching want that defies logic.

He feels the familiar tremble around him, traveling with a thought, on a whim, and he knows this is Light's doing, coming back to this place, the main lobby of the Kira Investigation Headquarters. The place where Kira met his match, and lost. And what a high price he'd paid just to win.

He finds himself perched in the same chair as that night. Little has changed, and he thinks maybe it was a wise decision leaving this building to Yagami-san, Light's father. Light is pacing. Ryuzaki follows Light's movements with just his eyes. Finally he pauses and then turns, some strange, wild look in his eye, and then Ryuzaki is being rushed, the chair, him, and Light falling back to the floor at the momentum of Light's movements.

"I have felt cold for too long. Not today. I can't stand to feel the cold today, Ryuzaki-san," Light growls as he darts forward, his lips colliding with Ryuzaki's and something coils in Ryuzaki's belly, and he finds that he's grown tired of resisting this pull he's felt since first meeting Kira…no. Light.

Light pulls back with a start as Ryuzaki begins to return the kiss with a tentative touch of his tongue.

"Have I done something wrong?" Ryuzaki asks, suddenly unsure of himself.

A smile tugs at Light's mouth and he shakes his head as he descends again, licking his way into Ryuzaki's mouth, pleased that Ryuzaki has finally seen reason in something that completely defies logic.

As he pulls back from this second kiss, a grin playing at the edge of his mouth he has a sudden thought, and with a pull of will they find themselves in Misa Amane's apartment, and she's sleeping restlessly in her bed while they are sprawled on the floor, Light on top of Ryuzaki.

Ryuzaki nibbles at his bottom lip for a moment before his mouth spreads into a smile and then he says, "Won't Misa-Misa have a surprise waiting for her when her time is up?"

"And Ryuk said there was no such thing as Hell for any human who's touched the Death Note."

"He also said there was no such thing as Heaven either," Ryuzaki points out.

Light descends for another kiss as he whispers, "I think Ryuk was wrong."

And as the kiss deepens, Ryuzaki finds himself agreeing with Light with everything that is left of him, his very soul.

End.