Note: Personally I really liked the Starfox game. But I've always wanted to lamblast it. So this is my attempt. My character (Kiana) and her Mercenary Combine vs the Starfox Team and the Cornerian Army… Throw in Murphy's Law and welll… Please excuse the errors as I just rattled this off on my lunch break.
The Great Fox and the entire assembled cornelian fleet drifted through space, scanners on high alert. They had been assigned to take out a highly dangerous mercenary who had been slashing the tires of general Pepper's ground car for 3 years straight. This constituted a national emergency. If she could heartlessly slash the tires of a poor defensless orphaned groundcar, what would stop her from taking over the sytem itself? On the bridge of the Great Fox, Fox McLeod, Slippy, Falco, Krystal, and the (by now incontinent and drooling) hare Peppy sat in their respective seats. Falco piped up, "So tell me again why we are searching for this girl? " Fox turned toward Falco after putting do and said in a heavy French accent, "Because the author wills it. And so it must be done." The raptor quipped, "Well as I'm concerned the author can kiss my-" "SILENCE you Impotent fools!" the author roared, "How dare you defy me. Do you want me to write you up as a girl again Falco? In the pink dress??" Falco fell silent, muttering incoherently.
On Slippy's screen suddenly a message popped up. "Hey, guys look up! We've got her!" He gestured up at a small dropship that was lumbering toward them. Commander Pepper opened up a channel. "Unknown craft, Identify yourself!" The face of a dazzlingly beautiful young girl popped up on their view screens. "Man you guys are slow." She quipped. "I've been sitting in this same spot for three freaking WEEKS and your sensors still couldn't pick me up?" She leaned foreword in her flight seat. "Maybe if that idiot, Fox Mcloud would stop trying to give Slippy a Blowjob, he'd have actually upgraded your ship's sensors eh?" The Starfox team gasped. Fox looked back at his team, "Guys, it's not what you think… she's lying. There's no way I'd ever do…that." Slippy's mouth twitched and Falco snickered to Krystal who was positively livid, "Told you he was…weird." Fox glared at the screen and said, "Kiana we are here to arrest you and impound your ship."
"On what charges." Kiana snapped. "Biological warfare." Kiana laughed for a few minutes and when she stopped said, "You idiots, all I ever did was slash the General's tires." "AHA!" Fox crowed, "So you admit to your crime! Now stand down and prepare to be boarded." Kiana grinned, "Not by a long shot, boys. You all wouldn't be able to stop me if you tried. It's more you who should be afraid of me." "Oh yeah you and what army?" Fox snarled.
Kiana looked at the author who sat in the copilots seat. "I'd think that this requires the enforcement of the Murphy's Law/Famous last Words clause of 2234." Alex sighed and nodded. "These guys are stupid, what can I say? And Krystal's too much of a bimbo to live anyway." Kiana turned back to the screen. "This is Kiana to all units belonging to the Draconis Combine. Uncloak NOW." The space behind Kiana's dropship shimmered, and in it's place was a hulking Jalbardian Warship, Saucer shaped , and miles across. It's armored plating gleamed in the starlight, and hundreds of long barreled blaster turrets and recessed missile launchers telescoped from their positions. Every single weapon was pointed at the fleet. "We've got more contacts!" yelled Slippy, and hundreds of other ships warped into the area, Romulan war birds, All of the Iterations of the Starship Enterprise and even 7 or 8 Borg Cubes. Falco's mouth dropped and he said, "OHMYGOD is that a Borg CUBE??? Those are the best ship's ever this is freaking AWSOME!" Fox growled angrily, "We're on the losing side you dillwad." General Pepper snapped, "All units, attack!" and the battle had begun.
Kiana typed in a series of commands into her keyboard and pressed the transmit button. Slowly the Halcyon began to turn, until it's belly was facing the lead group of warships. Krystal quipped, "We're getting mooned by a freakin starship? Now this just sucks." On the bridge of the Halcyon crewmembers began locking the front battle group into the man cannon's firing sequence. On the bridge of the Lead Cornerian warship one of the crewmembers said, to the Commander, "Sir shouldn't we raise shields or something?" "No son." The old hound replied, "My stoic demeanor will repel their energy blast. We're the accepted good guys so we can't lose! Plus the fact that I have on my clown shoes helps amplify the effect." "But we don't have a stoicism generator on any of our warships, and ever since your drug possession conviction last year…" The fox's words trailed off when he saw the look on the general's face. "That is CLASSIFIED son. Now get off my bridge."
The fox's eyes blazed and he said, "Screw this, I'm defecting!" and ran for the shuttle bay. Half the bridge crew followed him. "Stoicism…" Pepper muttered. "Stoicism .
More will follow soon. Do you want to see the Starfox team get pummeled? Let me Know!