Summary: Buffy dreams about lost love, inexcusable acts she's done and about the one person she really cares the world for and how she hurt him over and over.

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me in any way. They all belong to Joss Whedon, I'm just using them for my imagination.

Confronting A Dream

The taste was bitter; it was strong, vile and burned the back of her throat. It had become like a daily ritual to her. Every night before she went to bed she would take out a bottle of that trusty old Whiskey and she would drink until she'd pass out. She'd drink so she wouldn't have to think of him before she went to sleep. She'd drink so she wouldn't have to dream of him, but sometimes sleep would get to her before the alcohol did and she would see him again; touch him, feel him, hurt him, hear his voice. She'd feel his love again while she'd wished away hers.

Buffy closed her eyes hard as she took another sip. She could smell her own breath, it stung her nose as she swallowed down the room-temperatured liquid. It always made her flinch and gag. It comforted her, but it didn't make her stop thinking about him. Nothing does.

"Damn..." The whisper was barely audible as she stumbled across the room to her bed. She fell down on it hard and took in a sharp breath when she felt the immediate contact of softness against her tense body. She buried her face into the soft pillow and breathed in the clean and fresh smell of new sheets. She could feel the bottle leaving her hand and falling to the floor, making her hand flinch as she heard a silent 'thump' coming from beside the bed. Buffy closed her eyes as she felt sleep washing over her. Her head rolled slightly to the side when she felt her whole body relaxing like it's letting out a long and desperate sigh. She cursed inwardly at what's about to come.

Brightness stung Buffy's eyes and she blinked numerous times to get used to the new surrounding. Giving up, she put her hand above her eyes to shield them from the orange sun. Sunset. She could see the sun slowly making it's way down into the ocean. She felt warm sand between her toes, a cool salty breeze that caresses her hair and the gentle movements of her white dress against her legs. She could hear soft sounds of an ocean not far from where she stands. She knew exactly where she was; it was here she had dreamt of Angel after she had killed him. She remembered how wonderful, how normal it had felt to feel his arms around her as they watched the sunset together.

She closed her eyes slowly when she felt arms hugging her waist from behind and a warm body pressing gently into her back. She sighed and leaned into the embrace and put her head against the familiar shoulder. Strong arms hugged her waist more tightly and drew her in close. Buffy opened her eyes and looked over to the blue ocean. The sun had gone down even more; darkness threatening to take over in a few minutes.

"Why are we here?" Her voice was heavy and calm as she relaxed into the body that was holding her.

"You like it here." She could feel vibrations moving through his body as he spoke in a low voice. Buffy shivered when she felt his breath against her neck.

"You're alive."

"I am whatever you want me to be."

Buffy frowned. She could feel him breathing, feel his heartbeat against her cheek, but it didn't feel right. She wasn't happy like she thought she would be. She drew herself tighter into the embrace while wishing the scene away.

"Take me somewhere else. Please."

Buffy could feel the warmth of the sun disappearing. The soft sand had now been replaced with hard stone and the cool breeze was nothing more than a chilly wind. She could no longer feel the strong arms that had given her warmth. It was cold and quiet and all too familiar. She was in his crypt.

It was dark and she was alone. The moon was the only source of light in the crypt. Buffy held her jacket tighter around her body. She missed him, but she didn't want to go through with what was to come next. She could her rapid footsteps from outside coming closer, she closed her eyes hard and she sighed. She felt nauseous. She inhaled sharply when she heard the door to the crypt slam open. The dark figure stopped in its track as it saw her. Buffy turned her head towards the entrance and stuffed her hands into the pockets of her jeans in an attempt to hold a non-threataning posture.

The dark figure closed the door gently and turned towards Buffy.

"Buffy..."

She smiled slightly and took a step forward. "Hey." The figure walked closer to Buffy, but still remained in the dark.

"What're you doing here?" Hurt flashed in the slayer's eyes, but only for a second; she didn't want to him to get to her that easily. "I... uh, was in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by to see how you were doing. You mind?" Buffy cleared her throat slightly as she hunched back her shoulders.

The figure stepped out of the shadows and into the moon light, he put his coat on a nearby table. "I don't." The reply was casual.

Buffy walked closer and put her hand on his arm, she felt him flinch and her hand touched something wet. Blood. "You're hurt." He put his hand over hers and squeezed it gently before moving it away from his arm. "I'm fine." He gazed into her eyes, a soft look from a sharp face. His voice and eyes sent shivers through Buffy's body.

"We need to talk, Spike." Buffy put her hands back in her pockets and took a step back to give them both some much needed and less awkward space. Spike chuckled slightly and dug his hand into the pocket of his leather duster. He pulled out a beat up pack of cigarettes, pulled one out with his lips and stuffed the pack into the pocket again. A small yellow flame flickered from his lighter as he brought it up to his cigarette to light it. "Oh? About what, pet?" Spike said as he took a long drag from the sparkling cigarette, exhaling the smoke in a long sigh. His defense was up.

"There's a new demon in town." Buffy answered. Spike took another drag of his cigarette and sat down on the table, waiting for her to continue.

"It's big, strong and has a long sword instead of a right arm. It goes by the name of Adamos." Buffy paused to see if Spike would react. He didn't. He kept his eyes glued to the floor with the cigarette between his fingers. Buffy tired again. "Says he knows you."

Something happened with Spike. If Buffy hadn't been studying him she would've missed it; that one little reaction that went through his body. The blonde vampire took one last sharp drag, threw the cigarette down to the floor, got off the table and stepped on it. He smiled at her in an nonchalant way. "Can't say I know the fellow."

Buffy studied his face closer, she knew he was lying. He was never good at lying to her or being sneaky. Buffy had seen Adamos around Spike's crypt more than a couple of times. Buffy crossed her arms and put on her resolve face. "You're lying."

Spike walked past Buffy over to the bottle of Bourbon he had standing on a tomb. He tore off the cap and poured some of the liquid into a glass. "I'm not. I don't know this demon and I probably never will since you're gonna be off killing him anytime soon." He offered the glass to Buffy, when she shook her head no he brought the glass to his lips and took a greedy sip.

"I know you're lying, Spike."

Spike put down the glass with force on the hard stone. He glared at Buffy before putting the cap back on with equal amount of force. "You don't know anything, pet." Buffy moved closer to Spike and looked him directly in his eyes. Spike shifted uncomfortably under her gaze and walked past her again. Buffy followed his motion and walked a few steps behind him. "I've seen him hanging around your crypt, Spike."

The vampire stopped. He turned slowly to face her. "You've been spying on me, love?" Spike said, a smirk playing across his lips. Buffy sighed and looked away. "This is no time for games, Spike. I want you to tell me what's going on."

Spike closed in on her. They were merely inches apart as he gazed down on her. Buffy's eyes however couldn't help but to travel to his lips for just a moment. The way they looked when he was in resolve mode was enough to make Buffy's breath hitch in her throat. She wanted more than anything to put her hands against his stomach and run them slowly to his chest. She wanted him to wrap his arms around her and pull her in close. She wanted this so bad, but she had to stop herself. It was wrong, but she wanted it to be right. But, if this was her dream then couldn't she do anything she wished for?

Spike moved closer to her before she could react and kept his hard gaze on her. "And I want you to step off. This is none of your business."

Buffy put her head up, she wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of looking down on her. "Incase you haven't noticed, demons are my business. Tell me right now or I will hurt you." Spike snorted and turned towards the table to his coat. He pulled out the pack and took another cigarette. Buffy closed her eyes for a moment to try and remain calm, but failed miserably. She could feel her anger towards the blonde vampire boiling in her veins. "Spike!" Her voice was harsh, but it didn't make him look up or answer her back. He light up the cigarette and inhaled deeply.

"You've helped us before, you've helped me save lives, you've fought with us. With me. I've seen you with this demon and by the looks of it I'd say he's trouble." Buffy paused once again to see if Spike would answer her this time, but he just stood here with his head down, inhaling and exhaling smoke.

"For God's sake, Spike, he killed a boy! Someone Dawn knew. He ripped him apart and you're defending him?! Tell me what's going on!" The slayer's patience was running out. She didn't have time to stand here and be ignored by Spike. She needed answer and she needed them right away.

"Don't make me beat it out of you, Spike." Buffy said and clenched her fists hard. When Spike still didn't reply to her or even look up, she did the only thing that was left to get some answers out of him. She pulled her arm back and directed her fist into his face. She punched him with enough force to send him to the floor. "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" She screamed with rage.

Spike landed on his back on the stone cold floor, knocking his head into it hard. He picked himself up and leaned against his elbow as he brushed his thumb over his sore lip. Finding blood on it, he wiped it off on his pants. The vampire laughed weakly when he turned his head away from her and licked his lip. A single tear ran down his cheek slowly, burning the skin in its way. He wanted to disappear. He wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole, he couldn't look at her anymore. He would never be accepted, never be good enough for her. Buffy turned her head away from Spike. She felt bad for hitting him, for hurting him. Now that he had a soul, it was different. He was different. Right?

"Fine." Buffy sighed. She walked past Spike and towards the door. She was tired this, tired of Spike. It didn't matter if Spike knew this demon, he was gonna die anyway.

"I did it for you."

Buffy stopped. She closed her eyes and sighed again. Great... Here comes the guilt. She ran her hand through hair slowly and turned to face Spike's back. "You did what for me, Spike?"

Spike rose to his feet and walked over to the tomb where the bottle of Bourbon stood. He took the empty glass and filled it up to the brim. "I did it for you and the lil' bit. I did it so she wouldn't be alone. I did it so you wouldn't have to worry." Spike raised the glass to his lips, breathing in the alcohol before tasting it, hissing slightly as the alcohol burned the wounded lip.

"You're not always gonna be there to protect her, love... This way, she'll have someone looking over her. Someone strong, someone that can be in the bloody sunlight " Spike downed the whole glass and took a sharp breath breath as the alcohol burned his throat and lip.

"You... What is he?" Buffy asked, staring at the blonde vampire in confusion.

"He's an ancient bodyguard. His kind specializes in weapons, protecting and defending. Aggressive buggers too. They'll do anything for the right price." Spike refilled his glass but stopped in mid motion when he was about to drink. "If anything happened to her... It'd destroy you. I wouldn't be able to live, you being in that much pain."

Buffy was stunned; thrown by what Spike had done for her and Dawn. He had kept his word on always trying to protect her.

"What about Dawn's friend?"

Spike emptied the glass in one swift motion and sat it down gently on the stone lid. He turned to face Buffy finding her eyes immediately. Deep pools of blue met hazel. Spike clenched his jaw tightly as he fought down the growing lump in his throat. "He hurt her. He took it too far."

Spike could see the shock wash over Buffy's face as she held her hand to her mouth, letting out a deep gasp. Her eyes filled with unshed tears and pain as she stumbled back, leaning against one of the pillars for support. She tilted her head back against the pillar and let her tears fall, she kept her mouth closed as she fought back sobs that ached her throat. She was so mad at herself for not protecting Dawn enough, at Spike because he didn't tell her sooner, at The Powers That Be that let it happen, at the world for being so unfair.

Spike walked slowly over to Buffy. He moved his feet softly over the stone floor, afraid that any loud sound would throw her into a fit. He hovered his hand over her shoulder, not sure if he should touch her or not, if it would bring her comfort. After a few hesitations, he finally placed his hand gently on her trembling shoulder. As soon as his hand made contact with her, Buffy jerked her body away from his touch. She stared at him in disbelief.

"You went behind my back and you think you're allowed to touch me?" Buffy spat, her anger rising with each second as she thought of how Spike had betrayed her by not telling her. Spike pulled back his hand and slumped his shoulders. He was already admitting defeat. "Love, I didn't mean... She made me promise not to tell you, said it was for her to do. Believe me I wanted to–"

The slayer pushed Spike with all her might. He flew across the room and hit the stone wall hard, falling to the ground with the same force. She didn't want to hear him speak anymore, she didn't want to speak anymore. She just wanted to get all the aggression out, and one way was to make the guy responsible pay, which in her mind was Spike. He lied, he kept secrets from her, he had assisted rape.

Spike coughed as he staggered to his knees, he could taste blood, it laid thick in the back of his throat. He barely had time to breathe before Buffy was on him like a moth to a flame. She punched him, ripped at his clothes, scratched his skin. Did anything to get the image of her sister getting raped out of her mind. She could feel her fists breaking his body, his muscles tensing and his bones folding beneath her strong punches. She ripped and pulled off his already torn shirt and sank her teeth into his shoulder while grinding her hips into his. Buffy wanted to punish him, to make him feel what Dawn must've felt. She kissed his shoulder and neck roughly while popping the button on his pants and yanking down the zipper. Spike didn't fight, he barely moved or let out a sound. He knew this was something Buffy had to do; she had to blame someone. He probably deserved too. 100 years of torturing and murdering people, he deserved anything she could do to him. It wouldn't be the first time. He was a bad man.

Buffy forced her hand down his pants and she could feel him getting hard for her. She could always count on him. Her hand was beating at his cock in a rapid pace while she ripped her pants open and teared down the zipper. She positioned herself above him and pushed him deep inside her. She screamed in ecstasy as she rode him, her hips pounding fast against his body. As she felt her orgasm closing in it hits her like a kick in the face. What she was doing to him.

Buffy threw herself off his body and got to her feet. She quickly buttoned her pants and looked away. She could feel her anger rising again. The same fuming feeling consuming her as she looked back on what she just had done. The slayer grabbed the tomb lid and threw it against the wall breaking it in pieces. She threw her fists, screaming and crying as she punched the wall over and over until she had made a deep hole into it and her hands were bloody.

"FUCK!"

Buffy hit the palms of her hands against the wall and leaned against it, taking deep breaths to calm herself down. Blood was dripping from her broken hands, but they didn't hurt. She couldn't feel anything except sorrow and anger. In blind rage she had raped Spike like that boy had raped Dawn. She had sunk to a rapists level to punish Spike. She had lost control over herself, over what was right and wrong. What was happening to her?

She heard a quiet moan coming from behind the tomb. The blonde vampire coughed deeply as he tried to roll over to get on his knees. His arms trembled with pain and he fell back down on his back again, too weak to lift himself up. Buffy turned her head towards Spike and took him in. His face was swollen and bloody, he had gushing wounds on his chest from her scratching him. Purple, yellow and blue bruises covered his body and his ribcage had slumped at bit from having a couple of ribs broken into half by her punches. His breath wheezed and was shallow. His body shook repeatedly from each breath he took. Buffy felt remorse for what she had done. In blind anger she had beaten him so bad he could barely function. She didn't want this, didn't want to hurt him this bad. She couldn't believe how she had lost control. All those years of pent up rage and frustration poured out of her and she couldn't stop it. He didn't deserve this kind of treatment from her. He had tried to help.

Buffy looked down towards her hands, dirty, contained with his blood, with her unforgivable deed. She didn't want to face this. The slayer wiped off her hands on her jeans and winced when broken skin scraped against the rough material. She turned around and walked to the door. She was going to run away again, run away from what she had done as she always does. Buffy gripped the door handle firmly, almost crushing it and swung the heavy door open. Its usual resistance seemed less than nothing to her as adrenaline pumped through her veins.

Spike coughed again and took a deep wheezing breath, one that the slayer could not miss. She stopped in her tracks and sighed deeply. What was wrong with her. I can't do this... Buffy thought and let go of the handle and turned around towards the broken vampire. She opened her mouth to tell him how sorry she was, how wrong she was, but the moment she let out a single sound, the world she was in twisted and bend again. She felt dizzy and she fell to the ground, landing on her hands and knees. Her sight blurred and the crypt seemed to swirl and twist, growing darker and darker. The last thing she saw was Spike turning his head towards her. Even though she couldn't see his eyes anymore she felt him look at her, through her with a burning gaze. She could hear him whisper something, but the words got lost in the darkness. Tears streamed down her face as Spike disappeared from her sight.

She didn't get to tell him.