To Mend a Battered Heart an HTLJ-XWP tale
By Rielle and Jael
Disclaimers:
1) Gabrielle, Xena, Hercules, Iolaus, and other RP characters seen here are solely the property of Renaissance Pictures and MCA Universal, and no infringement of their copyright is intended by this work of fiction.
2) Suggestion is made in this work of fiction of same gender intimate relationships existing between these characters. This work of fiction also has reference to other variations of human sexual behavior, such as intimate heterosexual relationships and sexual assault or rape. If this were a motion picture it might receive an NC-17 rating. Those who find such characterization's offensive, and those under 18 years of age, please read no further.
3 )Iolaus reports his ego is on the mend due to the tender ministrations of any number of concerned Iolausians, and his hang over is much better, thank you.
4) Lastly, no hopped-up, ineffectual, pseudo-Zoroastrian fire demons busily impersonating various deities were harmed in the production of this work of fiction, unfortunately.
Part one, on the road to Corinth:
He was really gorgeous, Gabrielle thought, as the strong male figure approached her, grinning. His hair was bright red as a new copper cauldron, neatly trimmed, with an odd kind of loosed-braid texture. His eyes were a shifting shade of grey that seemed to catch color from the sky or the trees, sometimes more blue, sometimes more green. He was young and lean and well built, the latter easily noted because of the homespun, sleeveless shirt he wore, over a pair of sleek leather pants. He moved so gracefully towards her it was hard to say if he walked or danced.
He said not a word, and somehow she felt no need to speak to him. She stood when he took her hand and pulled her into his arms. He held her firmly, but not too tightly against his chest. Gabrielle was glad because she was so entranced it was hard to breathe. Then he led her, her hand firmly in his, across a glittering space. Gabrielle felt the intensity of his gaze. It seemed to heat her from within, so that she blushed and was nearly faint.
There was no need for words between them, his clear grey eyes told the bard. He pressed against her purposefully, his body communicating everything he wanted and needed. He needed and wanted her! The idea intoxicated Gabrielle, who rarely thought of herself as desirable. She certainly felt desired now, unmistakably. It was very exciting and strange. She deliberately let go of that strangeness, and began to enjoy herself.
How long has it been? She wondered dimly somewhere in the back of her thoughts. How long since I even let myself think about being with a man?
How long since I imagined I could enjoy being with a man without being afraid?
That thought broke her focus on the beautiful young man. She looked back and he'd already somehow gotten rid of his shirt and pants, leaving only a thin pair of trews, such as she'd seen Perdicas wear underneath. By the gods! He's even more impressive than I thought first. I'm not afraid! Gabrielle told herself sternly. There's nothing here to be afraid of and noone I need fear! He began to touch her warmly and Gabrielle felt, almost too gently, as if he thought her fragile or virginal or both. Inclining into those touches, she felt his warmth surrounding her, blinding her eyes, raising her pulse, roaring in her ears. Then the nightmare broke over her. She was caught in a vise of impossibly freezing flame. She screamed in horror and outrage and pain. "NO! NO! Not again!" waking herself and Xena with her cries.
The warrior listened to her bard queen recount the nightmare, in an effort to separate it from her sleep-fogged brain. A single tear tracked down Xena's face as Gabrielle's terror poured out into the night air. When she'd rocked Gabrielle back to sleep in her arms as she would a fearful child, Xena still sat close by her lover. Ah gods, she wondered silently. when will this be over for you, Gabrielle? I thought it was fading into the past, with other memories you never wanted to have. Now this one, this one is coming back again. Why? And what can I do that I haven't already tried, to help?
The two women did not discuss Gabrielle's recurring nightmare as they traveled on the next day. Xena knew her lover would discuss it at great length, when she was good and ready, but not a moment before. Gabrielle just knew she didn't want to put an ugly nightmare into words that only made it seem more real. They were intent on reaching Corinth in time to celebrate the late harvest festival with their friends Hercules and Iolaus.
They didn't want to arrive tired and travel sore from another night on the road, so Gabrielle suggested a small inn they were both familiar with on one of the quieter roads.
Xena took Argo into the stables, caring meticulously for the mare's coat and mane and pluming tail, seeing her well fed before she left. It was a ritual with them that wasn't always carried out, and the big palomino often let the warrior know when she felt neglected.
"Yes, I have fresh grain for you and two apples." Xena sighed, snugging the feedbag onto Argo's nose. "Its warm and safe here. You know the stable mistress; we've been here before. So relax. Yes, I know something's bothering her greatly. I think I know what it may be. But it's up to Gabrielle to say what and why, when she's ready. We mustn't push her, you know."
Argo nodded vigorously, which either meant she agreed, or that she wanted the feedbag off so she could get at the water trough in her stall. Xena decided the safest bet was both.
"Okay, okay, goodnight then!" she laughed, and headed back to the inn. That was when she heard a dozen voices crying out, and after some long seconds of silence, a wailing cry she knew only too well. The warrior ran the rest of the way across the stable yard and into the common room of the inn. Within she looked quickly around to see who was, or who might have been threatening harm to her bard. Instead, she saw Gabrielle with her fighting staff almost falling out of her hands, standing against the long bar, staring at a young man on the floor at her feet. He was staring back in pained astonishment, but not saying much. Xena pulled him to his feet and shoved him away from Gabrielle with a snarl of warning. He didn't seem to need any further encouragement but hurried out of the room and out of the inn.
"Gabrielle, are you all right?" Xena asked, gaining the bard's attention at last.
"N-no. I'm n-n-not all right. I think I n-need to sit down, n-now." Gabrielle stuttered, letting Xena catch both her and the staff so that neither fell to the floor.
"Okay, we're going to sit down, right here." The warrior guided her to a bench and sat down beside her. "But can you tell me, what happened, Gabrielle? Can you?"
"He only wanted to m-make c-c-conversation. I'm sure he d-didn't mean any harm. But Xena, when he moved within arm's length of me," Gabrielle's eyes came up finally to meet her lover's. " I attacked him. I wanted to brain him, Xena. I think I wanted to . . ."tears flowed from the bard's bright green eyes and she laid the top of her head against Xena's shoulder for pure comfort. "Xena, there's something very wrong with me, very, very wrong!"
"No, Gabrielle, there's nothing wrong with you. There's something very wrong with what happened to you, what was done to you." Xena insisted. "You're still reacting to it. And who's to say there's anything wrong with that? How could there be?"
"But, Xena, this fellow who just ran out, was an ordinary man!" Gabrielle answered, after gulping down some of the ale the barmaid brought over in response to Xena's gesture. "This was, almost a boy, really and I know he meant no harm to me. But look at me, I'm shaking like a branch with a fishing pole tied to it!" the bard gave back the cup and held out both hands, to show her lover how they trembled. "A boy, a man speaks to me in a tavern and I try to crack his skull? How does that make sense as a reaction to being attacked by . . . .being raped by a god?" Gabrielle whispered the last part, not wanting anyone else to hear.
"Gabrielle, anything that can hold you helpless, anything, or anyone who can do that, feels like a god. How could it not?" Xena replied, lightly touching her shoulder. "Any woman who's been raped will tell you the same thing. Believe me."
"Of course, I believe you." Gabrielle sighed and leaned against the warrior's shoulder. "I have to do something about lashing out that way. I could hurt people who mean me absolutely no harm. I hate being so afraid, Xena, I hate it." Again the younger woman drank from the cup offered her. "It doesn't even feel like me It feels like something I have to do, just to be safe. And I hate the feeling that I can never, ever again. . . "the bard flushed bright red, turned away and then met Xena's eyes again, trying hard to smile as she went on. "D-don't take this the wrong way, Xena, please, I don't expect to want . ." Gabrielle fell silent, beginning a devout study of her hands around the cup of ale, her Amazon kilt, her knees, the multi-layered toes of her new boots, and the tavern floor.
"To make love with a man ever again?" the warrior finished for her, making sure there was no laughter in her own voice, that might make Gabrielle think she was being mocked. "I know you don't, Gabrielle. But we both know fear is not and should not be the reason for what a free person does or does not do in her life. You're right. You shouldn't have to go on acting or reacting out of fear. And I'm going to help you, I promise you. "