I could say a lot of things to justify myself; I could use many excuses to defend my behaviour. I am young, it's not my fault, I didn't choose this, there must be another way and it's not fair.In the end, it all came to this: I was seventeen years old and I didn't want to die. "Want", by definition, it's a selfish word. For the first time in my life, I was selfish.

I had just seen Snape's last memory. It's so fitting that I had to use a pensieve to learn the truth: I had to die and nobody had the courtesy to even tell me face to face.I understood immediately what I had to do. Even Snape, who always said that I was dumber than a box of rocks, trusted me enough to realize my destiny.

And I would have done it. Because I was so brave and young and Gryffindor, because Dumbledore had shaped me as the perfect little soldier, I would have sacrificed myself. I wore my Invisibility Cloak and went to meet Voldemort. I met Neville and told him about Nagini, the last Horcux. I didn't use the Resurrection Stone. What was the point? Soon, I would be dead, too. But nevertheless, I heard my mum's voice. She told me to run. She told me she hadn't died for me to become Dumbledore's pawn.

Yes, I used my dead mum's sacrifice as an excuse for my cowardice. I should be ashamed but when you had hit rock bottom, thing like these didn't matter anymore. Maybe, the sorting hat was right, after all.I ran to Hogsmeade - don't you know that you can't apparate to Hogwarts? I had a friend who used to tell me that all the time - and apparated from there. I didn't know where I was and I didn't care. All my instincts told me "run, run, run."

I didn't know how many died that night. Maybe everyone. "It was their choice," I thought. "They have a choice. I never had."

I fell asleep under a big willow. Yes, people died, people died because of me and I fell asleep. Sue me. I was tired.I heard the news the next day. One hundred people died. Neville was among the dead. But before he died, he succeeded where I have failed: He killed Nagini.

I wanted to scream "This was your hero! The boy you all make fun of, the boy you all think he was too dumb to live, he would have saved you!"I wonder if anyone told his parents. I wonder if they could ever understand it.

Ron died, too. My best friend. Hermione. Luna. Ginny. Lupin. Their only mistake was that they loved me. I wasn't surprised because you see, that's usually the way it goes: They loved me and they is looking for me, now. Voldemort and his Death Eaters, the members of the Order who survived.

I am so tired. I can't run away forever.

Voldemort found me first, of course. I didn't mind. I couldn't face anyone from the good guys now. They would question me and what could I possibly say? "Mrs Weasley, I am sorry for killing two of your children, but hey! You have plenty more!"

Voldemort burst out laughing.

"Oh my! Isn't this Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived! You have a new nickname now: People call you the Boy-Who-Let-Everyone-Die!"

I flinched. The Death Eaters started to laugh.

"Prepare to die." He pointed his wand to me. I closed my eyes. I was ready this time.

"Unless..."

"You certainly prove last night that you aren't as pure as Dumbledore thought. Maybe you would like to join me?"

I had killed my friends. I had betrayed everyone and their trust. But my biggest crime was that for thirty seconds, I considered it.

It was the longest thirty seconds of my life.

"No," I whispered.

"What did you say? I didn't hear you," Voldemort said.

"NO!"

"Oh, well then..."

I died.

I met Dumbledore at King's Cross Station. He looked way older than I remembered. He stared me in the eyes.

"Oh, Harry..." he said.

I was so angry with him. His lies and manipulations had poisoned my life. But when I saw him, something shuttered inside me.I was eleven years old again. I was scared and alone and I wanted someone to hug me and tell me everything would be all right.I cried. I am not proud of it, but I cried like a little baby. I cried for all the things I had done and for all the things I had never cried. I cried about my parents, my friends, Sirius, Ron, Hermione. I even cried about Snape. But above all, I cried about myself.

Dumbledore hugged me but didn't try to soothe me. I was grateful. I didn't deserve it.

"I'm so sorry, so sorry, please forgive me..." I said.

Dumbledore just stared at me.

"I made a mistake. I was such a coward. But now it's over, right? I am dead. All the Horcruxes are gone. Now, Voldemort is mortal. Someone would kill him and everything would be all right."

Dumbledore made a sound. It sounded a lot like a sob. He visibly had tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Oh, Harry..."

I froze.

I woke up. Voldemort was celebrating his victory. He was so happy he finally got rid of me, he didn't even check if I was truly dead. For all his cunning plans, he was not really clever. I mean, I had already survived one Killing Curse. Maybe I was immune to it. He could easily pick another one to kill me. But no, he insisted to do it the traditional way. That was Voldemort for you: he killed fist and asked questions later.

This was his last mistake.

He tried to use the Cruciatus curse on me. I was tempted to let him have it. Pain was an old friend of mine. Probably the only left I I remembered Frank Longbottom's face. I remembered his son, who died before he had a chance to live. He was brave and kind and he was everything I would never be.

I was quicker than him. I used the Killing Curse. I knew Voldemort wasn't immune to it. For one second, I was tempted to use another curse. Maybe Expelliarmus...but no. I didn't aim to disarm, I aimed to Death Eaters were stunned. The silence that accompanied Voldemort's Death was deafening.

Suddenly, everyone moved. Someone screamed. I couldn't see who, they all still wore their masks.I was prepared to fight. But they were cowards and some of them apparated immediately.

Yes, I call them cowards. Yes, I am a hypocrite, why do you ask?

A dozen Death Eaters stayed behind. I was prepared to go down fighting. This was the end; I have nothing left to live."Master..." Bellatrix said. I would recognize this sound everywhere. Her voice was the soundtrack of many of my nightmares.

I thought she was calling her dead Master, pleading him to come back. But no."Master," Bellatrix repeated. She bowed in front of me.

One by one, all the other Death Eaters followed her lead.

"Maybe I have something to live," I smiled nastily. "Maybe I have."

Dumbledore would roll in his grave.

Let him.