Hi. Erhmm, I don't know really how to describe this story. It's just a little one-shot I started a while back and I thought I'd finish it and post it. So ermm, tell me what you think. Leanne x
"The days leading up to Lilly's death were filled with a mixture of fear, regret, depression and happiness, for getting to where we were. We knew what was happening, everyone did. It was only a matter of time, before she left this world and flew to a cosy little corner in heaven. This world of hate and hurt to a heaven of peace and love. What do you do with that time? It like having a big packet of potato chips and knowing the expiration date is coming soon. Trying to eat as much as you can before it's too late. But Lilly wasn't like a bag of potato chips, her body condition was deteriorating and she was incredibly weak. Anything which involved too much energy would be the death of her.
Emily was 1 year old at this point. She was just like any other sweet, blond toddler. It wasn't until Lilly died that she began to talk. 'Angel' was her first word, which soon developed into 'Momma's a angel'. What explanation I could give to my young daughter over the disappearance of her mom was unknown to me. I opted for 'she's up in the clouds'. When she got a bit older, whenever we'd visit my sister in New York and had to travel my plane, I always noticed her fascination with the clouds. She always looked for her mom, every trip she went on.
The last moment I spent with Lilly, we were lying in our large double bed, her head on my chest and emily crawling around us. "Pass me a notepad and pen." she said unexpectingly. I did what she asked and watched as she started writing some stuff down. "Dear Emily..." she murmered, "Oliver? make sure and tell her I love her. Ok?"
I nodded, and was about to say yes but was stopped by a lump in my throat. "And when times get tough, give these words," Lilly paused, "Tell her not to worry and that I'm with her always."
When she finished writing she finished she passed the note to me and picked up Emily to sit on her knee. "Baby," she whispered, "I'll be here always. When your graduate, when you get married, when you have children. When you're in trouble, when you're getting teased or just been dumped. You may not know it.. but i'm hear baby -always."
Lilly Truscott was the strongest women I had ever known. She feared nothing and took each step as it came, never looking back, never looking forward. She was always right and knew exactly what to do. I was a wimp compared to her. I couldn't have coped with knowing i was at deaths doorstep.
"Oliver, I love you with all my heart."
I cleared my throat, "I love you too."
"Promise me two things? That you look after my little girl," she paused, "and that you move on."
I began to shake my head, "No, Lilly. I love you. No one will come before you. No one."
"Please, " she held my hand, "for me."
I couldn't respond. Lilly rested her head on my chest once again.
"I love you Lilly Truscott."
"I love you too Oliver," her voice was barely a whisper, "and I'll be with you always -I promise ."
I closed my eyes and concentrated on Lilly's breathing pattern. That is, until it stopped. Lilly Truscott, the love of my life, died in my arms.
Emily Lillian Oken, the new love of my life. Sure, I wanted to have more kids, but life didn't lead me that way. In my dreams when I was younger, I'd be married to Lilly and we'd have three kids and we'd go on family vacations, go on long drives, have a set dinner time, watch evening tv together -just like any other family. Now, I have the same dream, but half way through, Lilly and the other two kids disappear into thin air. Then it's just me and Emily, as usual.
People often asked if I still cried. Honestly? No. No I didn't cry anymore. I couldn't cry anymore. I used to cry each and every night, for weeks after her death. One night, the crying stopped altogether.
Emily grew up perfectly well. She did sometimes ask why it was her who had no mom and cried that it wasn't fair. My answer no that was 'Nothings fair'. Emily had blonde curly hair and bright blue eyes, just like Lilly. As a todler, she pretty much had my personality but as she grew, I witnessed a definite 'Lilly side' to her.
As she got older, life was a struggle for Emily. I was scared and often found myself trying to work out one question -what would Lilly do. Whether it was fall outs with friends or argument with boyfriend, Ems got herself in some sticky situations. But I discovered that these weren't the toughest of times. The worse times was when she set her heart on something, and was sure of it. These are the times I just don't think Lilly would be proud of.
Maybe it's all my fault, for re-marrying. It was a hard decision but I believed it would be best. Emily was eleven years old when I met Caroline. Sure, they got on perfectly well, but it wasn't the mother/daughter relationship she'd have with Lilly. Things were awkward and I was often blamed for trying to replace Lilly ; this was not the case at all. Caroline would never be as special to me as Lilly and Emily were. As unfair as it may be to her, Caroline was a distraction from the rest of the world. She sort of formed my idea of a proper family -but nothing about my life was proper. Absolute nothing.
Caroline was an english writer. She spoke in a very posh English accent. She had dark curly hair and wore glasses. She looked very proffesional. My friends would laugh and tease me, saying that I was out of her leauge and would ask how I managed to get a 'chick' like that. I'd often brush their comments aside, but secretly, I wasn't sure how I did. She was rich and acted like it. She was the kind of person Lilly and I would have giggled about behind her back. I wasn't why, but she liked me. Whether I liked her back or not, I wasn't sure.
Caroline had been pregnant four times. In the first three she miscarried at around 8 weeks. Number four was her only hope, and that hope came through. On the 8th of August, Caroline gave birth. Not just to one child, but two. One boy and one girl. Charles and Connie, their names being English. They were beautiful and I was happy, really I was. Caroline cried and cried with joy that night. Instead, I went home to have this nightmare where I'd be sitting in the kitchen with Ems, Caroline and the twins having a proper family meal but from my spot, I could see Lilly staring through the window. She was crying, so I walked over to her, but she started running away and screaming saying that I betrayed her. I woke up crying.
So life continued. There was a fifteen year gap between Emily and the twins, so she was starting work as when they had just started kinder garden. Connie was a wild child. I'm pretty sure she took it after me, as I couldn't see Caroline being the 'wild' type. Charles was much quieter than his sister. He was very bright and received some nasty remarks from Connie. He was Caroline's double. They both spoke with American accents, which I was silently pleased about.
Emily had grown out of her moods and was a mature young adult. I was so proud of her. She was strong, independent, caring. She was Lilly Truscott's daughter. While on a trip to England with us to visit Caroline's family, I noticed her looking out the window. She was all grown up now, but that didn't matter, she was still my little girl.
Within a year or two, Caroline and I divorced. We weren't meant for each. I needed someone to pass a few years with, and she needed someone to have kids with. We sort of used each other. I still saw Connie and Charles, but not as much as a dad would have liked, but it was ok, Emily kept me company. My mom and sister often moaned at me saying the reason I wasn't with Caroline anymore was because I cared about Lilly too much to let go, even though I had to one say, but I didn't truly believe that. I know that I could have looked for someone really, really special. Someone who could care for me as much as Lilly did. I knew the whole time I could have moved on, but I felt I didn't have to. I was happy. Lilly Truscott was in my heart, always."
"Is she still in your heart Granddad?"
I looked into my granddaughter's eyes. She was just like her grand mother.
"Yeah, she'll always be."
"What about Connie and Charles?" My Grandson asked, "Where are they?"
"In England, starting their lives."
"Aaron, Lexi, we have to go." Emily stood at my door.
"Mom, we heard a story about you," Aaron laughed.
"Really? Well tell granddad thank you."
"Thankyou," they called in unison.
"Bye dad," Emily hugged me and wheeled my wheelchair so I could face my window, "I'll be back tomorrow."
I smiled as they left. Having everything told again really made me think. I sighed and picked up a picture of Lilly. I hadn't cried since the death, and I wasn't going to now. Lilly was in heaven waiting for me. Until then I had my grand kids to care about and I had to be there for them. I had so many more stories to tell. Besides, I knew Lilly was here with me on earth like she had promised.