If you were gay.
James' POV
It was a lovely day in the great hall. The sun was shining through the enchanted ceiling, the lunch was tasty soup, it was a Saturday, and the gay boy in the year below me was flirting with me. How could it get any better than this? Honestly, it just makes me so happy to know that no one can resist me. Not even Evans. Even if she won't admit it. She totally wants me.
Being the sort to act on impulse I stood up, leaving gay-boy-whose–name-escapes-me behind without so much of a word. I'm sure he was very upset, but I had better things to do. I felt like visiting Moony. So, of course, that's what I was doing. As I walked, I took out the map and noticed that Remus was sitting in the common room. He was not moving. Upon closer inspection, he was positioned in a place that was surely the couch. Seeing as the common room was empty, he was almost certainly reading. If I knew my friend at all, the book he was reading was Hogwarts: a History.
I came to the portrait hole and said the pass word cheerfully. "Horcrux," whatever that means.
"Moooooons! Fancy seeing you here!" I said, sitting down next to Remus.
"Hi, James," he replied, seeming slightly unenthusiastic at my presence.
"Whatcha up to?"
"Reading."
"Whatcha reading?"
"Hogwarts-"
"A History? Again?" He gave me a look. A look of evil. In all fairness to Moony, he was in a bad mood because it was nearing his time of the month, and I should really know better than to mock his favorite book. I made a mental note of that, and slipped it into my mental suggestion box of how to better myself as a human being. I then inwardly pondered where those suggestions always went for the next hour as I continued daily life.
"Guess what happened to me?"
"What?" asked Remus, still looking at his book.
"You know that guy?"
"Yes," he muttered. This meant he was either psychic or not really listening. I was okay with both.
"Well he sat with me at lunch."
"Fascinating," said Remus, in a voice that sounded just not sarcastic enough that I deducted that he was referring to his book. How he could still find it fascinating on the eight time around, I would never know.
"And he was smiling at me." Remus made a note in his book, which no normal person should do if they aren't reading a book for a class. "And talkin' to me." Remus turned the page. "And I think he was kind of coming on to me! I think he might have thought I was gay!" Remus looked up showing looking aggravated. "Though if I were gay, he would totally be my type…"
"Why should I care? I don't care! How was lunch?"
"Very good. Hey Remus?"
"What!?"
"You don't need to be so defensive with me…"
"I'm not being defensive! I am trying to read my favorite book!"
I sat in silence for a moment. Or two. Or three. And that was about at which time my attention span for doing nothing broke.
"Moons?"
"What?" he snapped. Wasn't there something in that black hole of a suggestion box about not bothering remus while he read? No… that was about not bothering him about what he read…. Hm….
"You know I'd be okay with it if you were gay, right?"
He grumbled. Time of the month. Right.
"I mean… if I were gay, I would tell you."
Remus' POV
I had absolutely no idea what was happening. Something that was unsurprising with James there, but still… one moment I'm alone with no roommate to bother me, and now I'm sitting here with the best friend of my secret crush and one of my best friends sitting here talking about homosexuality! I DON'T CARE IF YOU WOULD ACCEPT ME! GO AWAY SO I CAN CONTINUE USING THIS BOOK AS AN EXCUSE TO NOT BE INTERUPTED WHILE I FANTASIZE ABOUT SIRIUS! DAMN YOU!
I vaguely wondered if this annoyingness would somehow influence the wolf to kill James on Monday. I hoped there would be no killing, but a little mauling never hurt anyone, right? Then I forced the monster out of my brain and went back to scribbling absentmindedly on the corner of my page, ignoring the fact that I was, instead of writing, doodling a little figure of Sirius and me holding hands with a little heart around us. Later, I would magically erase it.
James' POV
While I was listing the various ways in which I would be okay with Remus being gay, I got the feeling that he wasn't really listening. Until his angry outburst of how gross I was when I mentioned that I was okay with what he did…. In bed with guys… as long as it wasn't my bed.
"Calm down. I just was thinking and wanted to make sure you knew that we all love you. Heterosexually. And that its okay and its in your dna and all that… I wasn't sure you knew, and gay-under-classman made me think of it. It's like your furry little problem. We would be fine with it… only gayness wouldn't try to kill me once a month and wouldn't cause you ton's of pain and be a curse, so actually I would actually be pretty happy with it…"
Remus ignored the fact that James had just compared his lycanthropy to his sexuality, and decided to interrupt before the buffoonery continued. "One thing you are forgetting."
"?"
"I AM NOT GAY!"
"If you were gay!" I said, bouncing up partially because another thought had struck me, and partially because Remus looked dangerous.
Remus' POV
"Where are you going?" I asked, wondering if it was a wise question.
"To tell Sirius that I would accept him too!" he said as he rushed through the door. He poked his head back for a brief minute, and added, "If he was gay!"
If only.