Sometimes I wanna push you away

by bugstories

"So we never got the chance to finish that drink..." - picks up after the 4A finale.

So she likes Operation Mongoose. She thinks it "has style"… What a very Emma Swan thing to say. And then, without any hesitation, she says she's in. She makes it so hard not to like her. Always has.

I don't know why, but she does give me hope in that moment. We are standing in this library, in the author's house, and my son – our son – next to us while she talks about happy endings again. And I don't know, when it comes out of her mouth it sounds so easy. Like she's so sure she can make it happen, and… and I actually believe her. For a moment I can let go of the thought of Robin and how I might never see him again. I can let go of the thought that the only person I'm destined to be with is a man with a lion tattoo. I don't even like tattoos.

I wonder if Emma has any. She was in prison after all.

Not that it matters.

I feel myself smiling at her and she smiles back. And it's ridiculous but I kind of want to… hug her? Oh god.

Instead I'm hugging Henry again, thankful for all the effort he's put into this. He's really grown up. And I'm so proud of him.

He and Emma are so alike, it's scary. I used to think they were naïve in so many ways, but… I can't argue the fact that they have both made the impossible happen so many times, just by believing they could.

I tell them that we might actually be on a good way – one step closer to finding him or her, to finding answers. But it's getting late and we should take some time to think about what to do next.

Emma offers to drive us home and only minutes later I find myself in that monstrosity of a car again. Though somehow it feels… nice… to sit on the passenger's seat with our son in the back of the car, looking out of the window, all pleased with what he'd found out. It feels like we're a… a team. And I have to smile again because I feel like I'm part of something. Not just because we have to defeat a giant snow monster or break a curse, but because these people, they are in it for me. They are doing it for me.

My mouth is faster than my brain when I ask Emma if she'd like to come in. It's just that… I don't think I want to be alone just yet.

I know I should be sad. I should be angry. I have lost Robin for good and he will never return. He's going to move on and live his life with his wife and son – as he should. But… somehow I don't feel as bad as I had expected to feel.

I know I've been chasing this stupid happy ending for quite a while now and the return of Marian had destroyed it all… But was it really all about Robin? Sure there were feelings involved, but they had come so fast, it wasn't like me at all. To fall so fast for some man.

Sometimes I'm honestly wondering if I had fallen for one of the dwarfs if a fairy had told me it was my destiny. For years I've been convinced that no good was ever going to happen to me ever again. That no one would be able to love me and that I had lost my one chance at finding true love long before dark magic had started controlling me. The idea of being loved again, of not dying alone… I had to cling on that thought, okay?

Oh dear, Dr. Hopper would be so proud of me right now.

We are going inside and Henry says something about being tired and wanting to do "normal kids stuff" in his room for a change. I kiss his forehead and thank him again and Emma says "night, kid" and ruffles his hair. And, before I know it, we're alone in the hallway and I don't know how to proceed.

I don't want her to leave, though I can't really say why.

"So we never got the chance to finish that drink", she offers with a smile and I'm grateful that she's so good at this stuff.

"You're right", I simply say and lead the way into the living room.

It feels kind of weird to have her here, for casual company. We usually meet here when there's another problem to solve or when it's all about Henry. We see each other at Granny's sometimes. But… it's never been like this. Though it doesn't feel wrong, it's just… yeah, it's new.

Weird thoughts are crossing my mind, like if I should put on some music or light a candle. For a second I'm wondering what she might want to listen to, coming to the conclusion that I wouldn't own any of that music anyways. I'm putting on some jazz CD because I'm guessing it's more casual than Bach. And it's a casual night. We're… friends… I guess.

"Katie Melua! I like her!" she says and then she sits down on the sofa and… kicks off her shoes? I feel myself frowning and try to shake it off. Casual, I remind myself. I can do that.

I'm eyeing my liquor, trying to decide what to get for us. My hand almost touches a bottle of Rum before the image of a certain pirate in front of my inner eye makes me cringe and I choose the Whiskey instead.

I'm about to sit down in the armchair before Emma is patting the spot next to her on the couch.

Fine.

"To new possibilities", she toasts.

"To … hope", I reply, and pronouncing the word is still making me a little sick.

Emma grins. I knew it would make her smile. So I smile back.

She brings our glasses together and looks into my eyes, and even though I'm not feeling the afternoon's frustration as intensely anymore, somehow I'm still craving this drink. I want to let go for tonight.

I pour it down and feel the alcohol warm my throat. I close my eyes for a second 'cause it feels so much better than it should.

"Mmhh… that's a good one", Emma sighs happily.

"Don't ever expect to find cheap booze in my house", I tell her, almost offended.

"Never. I pick my drinking buddies wisely." She grins.

What an idiot I think, but another smile is creeping up my lips as I roll my eyes.

"So… how are you feeling?" she asks me and I look down. Of course she would want to talk about Robin now. That's what all Charmings would do. Talk about feelings.

"I don't want to talk about him, Emma. I… I need to move on."

I'm expecting her to go on anyways, to tell me that avoiding the topic won't make it any easier, but she just nods. Like she understands. It's a nice change.

"Let's play a game instead!"

And of course Emma Swan was into drinking games. What is she, 15? Thank god Henry is in his room.

I am most certainly not the drinking game type, I'm curious though.

"And what exactly do you have in mind, Miss Swan? 'I never…'?"

"Yes, no or maybe!"

I've never heard of that before and my brain tells me to put a stop to this childish idea right away, my mouth, however, seems to have a mind of its own again.

"And how exactly would that work?"

"Oh, it's very easy", Emma starts, not even trying to hide her excitement. "We ask each other questions and we're not allowed to use the words 'yes', 'no' or 'maybe' in our answers. Got it?"

"This is ridiculous, Miss Swan. I thought we were going to drink. I'm not gonna say any of those words if I don't want to."

"We'll see about that" she says with a wink and pours us two more drinks.

"I'll go first. Hey, do you have some crackers or peanuts to go with the Whiskey?"

"Yes, there should be some in the kitchen…"

I realize what I said when I see the triumphant grin on the woman's face and immediately want to slap myself.

"CHEERS!" Emma says as she holds out the glass for me to take it.

I shoot her my darkest glare but decide not to say anything as I pour down the drink with one quick gulp. She's good at this, I shouldn't be surprised.

"You still want those peanuts?" I say, trying to suppress a cough. How old is that Whiskey? It's so damn strong.

"Absolutely", she laughs.

I quickly move to the kitchen and pick up some nuts, crackers and chocolates, already thinking about a good question to ask her. I still can't believe I'm doing this.

"So…" I start as I sit down again, eyeing Emma's feet that have found their way onto my sofa.

"How long do you plan on staying with the Uncharmings? Don't you want to have your own place?"

I don't know why this is the first question that pops into my head, but I'm curious. She's almost 30 after all, and she's dating the stinky pirate, surely she wants to have some privacy with him.

Emma looks confused for a second, but answers right away.

"Of course I want to have my own place, it's just…" She sighs. "I've never… I've never had the chance to live under the same roof with my parents. I guess I … I guess I wanted to know what it would feel like to have a normal family life."

"Normal, right."

"I know." Emma replies. "Anything happening in Storybrooke is far from normal. I wanted to try it though… But now, with Neal and all…"

There's something in Emma's eyes I can't quite grasp. I'm not sure if it's jealousy, but even if it was, I couldn't blame her. It must be difficult.

"I get it", I tell her and I can see that she believes me.

"Have you ever thought about having a second child?" she asks me and bites her lower lip.

"It's just that… you love Henry so much, surely you must have thought about a little sibling for him every once in a while." She smiles at me and it does feel good to hear her say this, to hear her acknowledge that I've been doing a good job with Henry… with her own son.

"That's never been an option I guess."

"Why not?"

Why not? Because I've been busy trying to make him love me. Because, for a long time, I've felt like an awfully bad parent. Because I was alone and overwhelmed by it all, more than once. Because I had no one to talk to and no one to help me. And because I often wondered if I was enough for him. I know Henry loves me, I do. But… The first time I truly felt this love was when I could finally be honest with him. When all the lying stopped. When… When Emma Swan showed up and turned Storybrooke upside down.

"I've never been a perfect parent, Emma. Why do you think Henry ran away to find you? Raising him alone was… it was a challenge. I didn't want to do anything I couldn't have handled."

"You're a great parent, Regina. I don't think I could have wished for a better mom for my son", she says and she sounds so sincere.

"When I gave him away, I wanted to give him his best chance. I never thought he'd end up being the mayor's son in a fairy tale town, but I'm grateful for how it all turned out. I mean, I can be his other mother now, but you had all the work with him. You changed his diapers and took care of his bruises. All the stuff I'm not sure I would have been any good at."

Of course she would have been good at it.

"It comes quite naturally to you once you look at this little innocent face. Once you see how helpless this little human being is without you. How he depends on you. It's like you just know what to do."

Emma smiles and nods. I know that she knows how it feels because I know exactly what memories I gave her when we spent that year apart. All the things I wanted her to experience too, even if none of them were real. I felt like she deserved it.

"Regina?"

"Hm?"

Emma looks at me and it's so damn hard to read her sometimes.

"You have to get used to the fact that you have people who love you, you know?" She's coming closer and her hand is on my leg. It's so warm.

"Henry loves you unconditionally. And Robin… He may be gone now, but… to me it makes absolutely no sense to think that you're not gonna find someone great who'll do anything to make you happy, Regina. Sure, maybe you're a pain in the ass sometimes, you're making it hard to get close to you, but once people can look behind this rough shell, they'll find a woman who should be anything but second choice. You love with all your heart, Regina. You deserve someone great. And you'll find that person. You'll fill those empty pages with a kickass romance, I'm absolutely sure of that."

I feel a lump in my throat. I don't know how we got here so fast. Why she's saying all these nice things. Why she… she sees me that way.

"Are we still playing?" I ask, my voice hoarse.

"Um, I guess?" Emma says frowning.

"Two drinks for you then. A 'no' and a 'maybe'."

I'm trying to smile but it feels forced. I don't even know what caused my mood to switch so fast, it's not like she did anything wrong.

Now I can see Emma trying to read me, yet she just nods and drowns the two shots, shivering slightly.

I'm tired of this game. It's really taking too long.

I want to get drunk. Now.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Two hours and almost two empty bottles later I can feel my head spin.

I look at Emma and I wonder if my eyes are as red as hers.

She's giggling uncontrollably and I've never seen her this way before.

I like it though. She's so pretty. And so… dorky.

God, I hope Henry is asleep. He can't see me this way. Can. Not. See. Me. This. Way.

I wonder if I've told her too much about myself. I probably have. Will most likely regret it in the morning. Couldn't care less.

"Did you…" Emma slurs. "Did you ever have sex in one of those Evil Queen dresses?", she whispers before bursting out laughing again.

"Excuse me?" I ask incredulously. I can't believe she's going there. I shake my head and I wish the couch would stop spinning so goddamn fast.

"Seeeeriously." Emma tries again. "When I saw you in that… costume… I was like… like… whooaa, you know?"

A tiny voice in my head tells me that this is moving into a really really wrong direction, but I feel my heart speed up at the thought of… of Emma thinking about me that way. About this version of me.

"You liked it?" I ask, trying to hold her gaze.

"You were goddamn scary!" Emma tells me, but she's still laughing. "But… also kinda hot."

I know that I'm blushing because it feels as if my head were on fire. The memories of the situation are still clear in my head. I had wanted to rip Emma apart in that moment. I had felt so much hatred towards her, so much pain… And when Emma mentioned Hook and their happy relationship, I wanted nothing more but to wrap my hands around her neck and… This damn curse.

What had been happening anyways? I remember being hit by the Snow Queen's magic and my first thought had been to destroy Emma Swan. Now that I think about it, the thought of hurting Robin had not once crossed my mind. All I could see was her. Her perfect skin, her pretty face… everything she was and everything I could never have.

"I wanted to destroy you." I tell her and I feel some of that anger return, out of nowhere. Why the fuck am I angry? Again, she didn't do anything.

Or maybe she fucking did. Maybe she was just too goddamn perfect. Sitting here on my couch, getting all comfy, looking so gorgeous, and coming so unbearably close.

"I know. I needed you to hate me in that moment and I knew exactly how to do it."

Emma isn't laughing anymore. She stares right back at me, almost challenging.

"How?" I whisper, not even realizing at first that I'm making a fist.

I'm shaking. Get it the fuck together, Regina.

"Because I know people. I know you", she points out. "And I'm not stupid. I know that what we have is… it's special. I know how jealous you were of Hook, right from the start."

I think my heart stops for a moment because no fucking way she could have picked up on that. On something I hadn't even been able to admit to myself.

But Emma continues.

"And you know what's almost tragic about it?"

"What?"

"I felt the same way when I saw you with Robin. I was happy for you but I also thought you… you could do better. And I'm only telling you this because you made me drunk with all your expensive booze."

Oh god, what?

"You're so attractive, Regina. Shit. You have class, you're smart, you're so, so badass… and loveable. You're the mother of my son. You're…" She inhales deeply. "You're so amazing, seriously."

My heart is beating so fast it's most likely going to explode. I'm dizzy. It's the alcohol, probably, but it feels like her words have an even bigger impact. I'm so glad I'm sitting on a couch. It's still spinning though.

"And I know there's no chance in hell we would ever act on these… feelings or whatever you wanna call it. Not when we're sober. Cause… you're like my step-grandma or something, and I'm with Hook, and you used to be the mayor… and I'm the daughter of your former enemy… and my mom put me into a freaking magic tree closet because of you and I was stuck in the foster system because of that and… and I'm sure I could find a million more reasons why none of us would ever actually … do anything like that when we can think clearly."

I hate you, Emma. I really do. How dare you!

"Do what exactly?" I ask, not sure what I'm expecting.

"I dunno. Actually kissing you, for instance. Because to be truly honest, all I can think about are your lips and it's driving me mad."

I want to tell her that she's wrong and that she has no idea what she's talking about, but I can't. No words are coming out of my mouth. I can only shake my head, again and again, my eyes closed.

I want to sober up. I want to be fucking sober and put an end to this. Now.

But she's coming closer and I know what she's about to do. And I know that when she does, she's going to wake something inside of me that will destroy the very last bit of self-control I have left.

I don't want this. I don't want this to happen. I don't want to wake up in the morning with a horrible hangover and another broken heart.

But on the other hand… I want it so much. Want her to close those last few inches between us. Want to know what it feels like. Want to accept the fact that I'm going to be miserable again because it's going to be worth it. I look at her and I know it's going to be worth it. Fuck.

And before I can open my eyes again, I feel her lips on mine. I had half-expected her to crash our lips together, to be all demanding. But she's so gentle. Her nose is brushing against mine and her hand is suddenly cupping my cheek. And my mouth opens, it's like an instinct.

And she kisses me. And it feels so perfect. It has to be the alcohol.

All I can think is that I hope I won't remember this feeling the next morning. I don't want to remember it or I will forever try to recreate it.

I still haven't opened my eyes.

I'm just gonna let it happen.

Who cares?

Let it happen, Regina. It's too late now anyways.

I feel her tongue against mine and it's so arousing. I don't know why I am so nervous, my heart is beating in my throat. It's not like kissing Robin. It's not like any other kiss I can remember. It's magical.

I finally open my eyes and now she's smiling at me, but there's also something else… like… a spark I've never seen there before. She looks at me with all this desire, I wonder if I should try to poof myself out of the building in a comfy purple cloud as a last desperate attempt to save my heart from breaking.

I'm not doing it though.

I'm letting her unbutton my shirt.

My head falls back when I feel her pinch a nipple.

"I want you." Emma whispers with her lips against my collarbone and I know I'm so wet already, I wouldn't need any of this foreplay.

"You're gonna break me, Emma", I manage to say.

"I'll be gentle", she replies.

I wonder if she really doesn't understand.

"Regina", she whispers and I look away when her fingers are slowly entering me. "It's gonna be okay."

I don't know who she's trying to convince. Me or herself.

I nod.

"Please, Emma. Fuck me." I manage to say, because that's what I want. If we're going to do this, better do it right.

And then her fingers are moving inside me, fast.

She's panting into my ear and it's the best sound ever. My head is still spinning but I stop caring. It's intoxicating and I don't want to worry about the next day.

"Do it", I gasp. "Make me come, do it."

And she does.

It doesn't surprise me that she's so good at what she's doing. And I don't care that it's so wrong on so many levels.

My hips are meeting each of her thrusts and I'm grabbing a fistful of hair when I feel the sensation run through my body. I'm feeling so alive, I want to scream, but I'm muffling the sounds as I'm biting my own fist, that little voice in my head reminding me we're not alone in the house.

A minute later, Emma collapses on top of me. She's still fully dressed.

The room is quiet and I'm trying very hard not to cry. I know we are slowly going to sober up again and this is going to be awkward enough as it is.

Then her hand is running through my hair.

She's searching my eyes, I know it, but I don't think I can look at her now.

"I'm sorry", she whispers and I know what she's trying to say.

I know that she's going to leave soon and that we're going to go back to normal.

I know we will share a few knowing looks every now and then but that we'll keep our distance.

I even know that she's still going to try to find me my happy ending and that she won't give up.

But, once again, I'm convinced that my happy ending doesn't exist.

It never will.