Spoken Words.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is for padfootsrevenger's "The Sex Talk" challenge. In which Harry is curious, and Dumbledore gives Harry the sex talk.

-

"Dare you." Ronald Weasley laughed. Harry scrunched up his nose.

"Harry, don't do it! You'll get in trouble!" Ron snorted into his pumpkin juice. Hermione Granger glared at him.

"All right, I'll do it." Harry stood up, and walked to the head table.

"Professor Dumbledore, sir. Could I see you in your office? There's a question I need to ask you." Harry cleared his throat, which was clogging up in fear.

"Merlin's pants! The bloke actually did it!" Ron laughed at Harry, as he walked off with Dumbledore.

-

Harry sat in one of the big chairs in front of Dumbledore's desk. Dumbledore was looking into a magic mirror.

"Oh, mirror. Explain to me again, why I need a boyfriend?" The mirror laughed, a deep, throaty laugh. Harry was blinking rapidly, scrunching his nose.

"You're a wild, sexy, untameable, lion, Albus. You're a sex machine!" The mirror started glowing red. Harry's eyes widened. Dumbledore started to kiss the mirror.

"Uh, sir?!" Harry croaked. Albus turned, his glasses askew, and they were steamy.

"Oh, yes, Harry. You had a question?"

"Uhh ... I know where babies come from, but, er, how to they come to be?" Harry swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down.

"Well, Harry. Take Hawaii. You know the coconut trees? Well, imagine a coconut tree with only two coconuts. They travel to the ocean and enter. They can't swim, because they are just so boyant, so they just bob up and down."

"Wait, sir?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"

Dumbledore laughed. He was about to poke Harry, in a joking way, but, with Harry's superfast reflexes, he caught Dumbledore's arm.

"Poke me and die." Harry warned the old man. Dumbledore laughed gaily. (And by 'gaily', I mean happily!)

Dumbledore started talking again. Harry, regretting his choice to follow through Ron's dare, started to drift off to sleep.

"... Do you understand?" No response. "Harry?" Still no response. "HARRY POTTER!"

"Voldemort's nipple!" Harry shouted, snapping awake. He looked around, and spotted Dumbledore. "Sorry, sir! Continue!"

"Very well, then. Well ... Some fish get caught onto the ... Merlin's beard! I lose!"

"Ha! You just lost the game!" Harry snickered, and then stopped laughing. "Damn! I lose!"

"Back on topic. Let's put it differently. Soccer. You know you kick the balls around, and then you get a goal in the net. And then, SCORE! Points!"

"Sir," Harry laughed. "Use Quidditch, and don't be such a muggle about it!"

"Well. I'd commit sins with the Weasley twins before I'd be a muggle! I say, I like Soccer." Dumbledore shook his head.

"Come on, Sir, you're explaining this, the power is yours! Make it work!" Harry started to cheer him on, clapping. Dumbledore smiled, and started to dance.

"Well, sir, I now know. Thanks for telling me! You're genius!"

"Well, Harry, I prefer to be called 'evil genius', actually. But, thank you." Dumbledore looked at his sex-mirror lustfully. Harry saw that Dumbledore was going to be busy, so he left.

-

"Harry! Harry! How did it go?!" Ron asked, laughing.

Harry sighed, "He's dead, Jim."

"Huh? Harry? Are you okay?"

"Yes, Jim. Do you prefer to be called James? I like Jim..." Harry rambled.

Ron looked at Hermione and shrugged.

"Who the bloody hell is Jim?"