The Taming of The Sesshomaru

Disclaimer: PARODY WARNING.

WARNING: YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ A PARODY.

I've gotten complaints from some of you who only like my more serious stories, but parody is the way I relieve stress; every now and then I need to write crazy things to keep myself from killing off all my characters in my serious stories and then wandering off into the sunset. I am a Gemini thru and thru. Thus, I created this account and will horde all of my parody genius here.

Please don't leave me reviews that say, "This sucks! Where's Withered LOL!?", because in response I'm just going to write a Ranma ½ / Super Sailor Mars / Pokemans / NCIS / Parody Crossover and dedicate it to you.

However, if you WANT a Ranma ½ / Super Sailor Mars / Pokemans / NCIS / parody crossover dedicated to you, please feel free to flame me. Those of you who have stuck with me thru the years know I will do it. Ref.: "Arthur Weasley Vs. The Lawnmower", "Karin Sucks", and "Team Rocket Nascar Spectacular".

Side bar: I am NOT, repeat, NOT homophobic, by any means. I live in a state that supports gay marriage, am from a country that supports gay marriage, and I, personally, support gay marriage and gay rights in general- so suck it! This was merely a ridiculously funny premise, and so I went with it.

Full dedications to Buloy, who always keeps me gasping for oxy.

ACT V

~The Tempest~

It was a solemn day in the world of national media. For the first time in a decade, newspapers were sold out. The mood in the TV station was grim. So grim and disadvantageous, in fact, it could only be matched by the weather: a whipping wind threatened to compromise the very foundation of the building; rain hammered away at the many metal antennas attempting to shield the brick masonry from the unyielding storm.

Inside, the media room and its inhabitants were quite still. Make-up artists and production assistants stood hesitantly behind veiled curtains and sound equipment, watching a primed and polished woman, each strand of her platinum blonde hair tucked perfectly into place, sitting behind a large metal desk. She looked small and insignificant, like a pebble caught within someone's shoe.

But today her job was quite big.

She was about to conduct the most important live news interview that any journalist had ever conducted in history of interview conducting.

Like, ever.

"Ten seconds!" shouted the stage-hand, a bead of sweat rolling down his chin.

"You can do this," the blonde whispered to herself. A quick shuffling of papers, a deep breath, and she stared meaningfully at the teleprompter in front of her. The little red light of the camera turned on.

"Good evening," she said, putting her best game face on. "I'm Katie Couric, and you're watching 60 minutes."

All eyes were on her now, millions of viewers pausing their lives and tuning in throughout the country.

"As we all are aware, the Demon World as we know it is in a serious state of turmoil. Their Deconomy is failing, all wars have come to a searing halt and their political system has- for the first time in recorded history- turned from the "Bloodthirsty Cannibalistic Dictatorship" party to Democracy.

"With us today is a guest we feel might be able to shed some light on the recent on-goings of the demon world. Please join me in welcoming the Lord of the Demon World and Time Magazine's Second Runner Up Sexiest Man Alive 2006, Sesshomaru."

All eyes fell to the white haired demon now making his way to the anchor desk. He gracefully took a seat and nodded curtly to his blonde counterpart.

"Sesshomaru, thank you for joining us today," she began.

"It's a pleasure, Katie."

"Thank you, Sesh. May I call you Sesh?"

"I suppose."

"Well, let's get down to business. The entire world is wondering, Sesh, and we're hoping you can answer our questions."

Sesshomaru chuckled. "Well, I don't know what answers I have to give, but I'll do my best to accommodate you, Katie."

"Thank you for your cooperation, Sesh," she responded calmly. Her posture straightened a bit then, and eyes narrowed in anticipation as she posed the ONE question everyone in the nation was waiting to be answered.

"So, like… why is it you turned gay?"

Sesshomaru paused. The surrounding world came to a searing, unapologetic halt.

"Wait, what?"

Katie leaned forward. "Why'd you do it, Sesh? A woman break your heart? Unsettled emotional conflicts with your father? Or do you just like the cute fashion trends set by the gay community?"

Sesshomaru was seeing pink. No wait, he wasn't- pink was a frilly color-! He was seeing, like, a super badass manly color like blood red. Yes, right- with flames and crossbones and shit!

And lace!

I mean!

Carcass eating buzzards!

"What in God's name are you on about, woman? Didn't you invite me here to speak about current affairs in Demonia? Don't you want to know why the Deconomy is failing? Why were aren't at war?"

"No," Katie responded, shrugging. "We just want to know why you're gay now."

"I'm not ####ing Gay now!" Sesshomaru paused, staring about incredulously. "Wait- am I getting bleeped? Are you ####ing bleeping me?"

"Sorry, Sesh," Katie responded. "We're in a kid-friendly time zone so the sound effects hand has to monitor what you're say-"

"That's ####-sh##! I'm ####ing Sesshomaru! Lord of the Demon World! Time Magazine's Second Runner Up Sexiest Man Alive 2006! You tell that ####### sound effects guy to stop ###### editing my ###### ###### curses or I swear to ###### I will ####### him ####### ######## ###### UP THE ###### WITH MY FIST and-"

"Sesh, Sesh get back here! Hey, put down that boom mike!"

"For the love of god, SAVE ME!"

"I'll ####ing save you, you miserable #### ##### ####! Taste my laser vision, ######!!!!"

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So, right about now you might be asking yourself how it is that Seshomaru, lord of the demon world and Time Magazine's Second Runner Up Sexiest Man Alive 2006 (damn that Hugh Jackman and his rugged good looks-!) managed to end up on Katie Couric discussing the inner workings of his own sexuality and blasting a sound effects guy to bits with his laser vision?

And since when did Seshomaru have laser vision?

Well, he got this cool surgery down at the Kralin Lasik Center where they remove your cornial flap and warp gravity to positively charge your retina…

…but that's another story.

For the moment, let's just stick to why Sesshomaru's gay now.

"I'M NOT ####ING GAY NOW!"

TBC

-cracka