***Edited because I'm an idiot who can't do elementary math. I miscounted how many kids Mest and Wendy already have. I blame the twins. HeeHee!
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"Wendy's pregnant again."
Bickslow's jaw dropped as the bone-weary body of his friend, Mest Gryder, dropped into the chair beside him at the guild hall table. "Holy shit, AGAIN?!"
Mest was sprawled out in the chair, body limp, head hanging over the back as he stared at the ceiling with glassy eyes. "Yep."
"How many is that now? Four?"
Mest raised both hands high, all five fingers extended on one, the thumb held up on the other.
"SIX!?"
The hand with the thumb out transformed into a thumbs up before both hands dropped again.
"Buddy, you know, far be it from me to tell another guy how to have sex, but sweet jiminy fuck. My man, you have GOT to start wearing a condom."
"Do you think we haven't tried that?" Mest growled, raising his head and glaring at the seith mage. He sat up and started counting on his fingers. "We've used condoms. Diaphragms. Foam. Wendy's on the pill AND at least two magical potions that Porlyusica prescribed. We've tried it all separately, AND ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And it doesn't work!"
"What doesn't work?" Freed asked, joining them at the table and passing Bickslow a beer. Bickslow waved it off and shoved the tankard in Mest's direction. Clearly the spatial mage needed it more than him at this point.
"Wendy's pregnant again," Mest explained.
Freed's eyes nearly bugged out of his head. "Holy shit, AGAIN?!"
Mest nodded as he raised the tankard and took a long, deep drink.
"Is this number six?"
Another nod. Still drinking.
"Well. I suppose congratulations are in order. And possibly a vasectomy?"
Mest slammed the empty tankard on the table. "I tried that!" he virtually sobbed. "It didn't take!"
"What on earth do you mean, 'It didn't take'?"
"They snip the tubes, right? Well mine healed themselves! Porlyusica figures it's something to do with Wendy's healing magic. I'm around it so much, it's kind of seeped into my blood."
Freed's mouth turned down in a thoughtful frown. "So a tubal ligation on her part is out of the question then?"
"Her ambient magic managed to heal ME without even trying, Freed. What the hell do you think?" The mage stared mournfully into the bottom of his empty beer mug. "I mean, I love her, all right? And gods, I love our kids. They are the cutest little bunch of rabble you're ever gonna meet. But… SIX? And that's just for now!"
"What's just for now?" Evergreen asked, towing Elfman over to join them at the table and plunking herself in the takeover mage's lap as she daintily sipped a glass of red wine. Elfman arched his eyebrows in question over the top of his own beer, waiting for Mest to answer.
"Wendy's pregnant again," Bickslow told them.
Elfman ended up spraying an impressive amount of beer across the table and into Freed's face as Evergreen exclaimed, "Holy shit, AGAIN?!"
Mest nodded wearily as he handed Freed a napkin.
"Does the concept of pulling out just not exist in your universe?" the fairy queen asked.
"Judging by how fucking fertile the pair of us are, I'm pretty sure the little bastards would find a way up inside even if I pulled out, ran out the door, and shot my load into the river."
Elfman made a face. "Gross, Mest."
"Trust me, Elfman, if Evergreen was pumping out rugrats at the same rate as Wendy, you'd be thinking about it, too." Mest looked around, hoping by some miracle a refill of his beer would appear in front of him.
"How do you even afford them all?" Evergreen asked, scrunching her face as she tried to do the mental math of how much it would cost to clothe, house, feed, and entertain five dragon slayer children, all under the age of seven. It didn't compute.
"I go on every single job I can get my grubby hands on, that's how," Mest groaned, slumping forward over the table. "And so does Wendy, when we can get a sitter who doesn't mind watching five half-dragon slayers, at least two of whom know how to teleport."
"Hey, maybe Freed could write some kind of rune or something," Elfman suggested, gesturing to the rune mage, who was still dabbing beer off his collar. "Couldn't you, Freed? Write up some kind of rune on Wendy's stomach that basically says 'Stop Making Babies For A Few Years'?"
Freed tilted his head in consideration. "I could certainly try," he admitted, but gave Mest an apologetic smile. "But I'm afraid your… unusually high level of fertility would just overwhelm whatever protections I put in place."
Mest groaned and thunked his head against the table. "I'm almost forty, you guys. Wendy's only twenty-six. It is entirely possible at this rate that I am going to have enough kids by the time she hits menopause to form my own damn guild."
"Call it Dragon Uterus," Bickslow snickered.
"Shut up, Bickslow," Evergreen snapped.
"Why are we telling Bickslow to shut up?" The towering form of Laxus loomed over the table. Elfman and Bickslow shimmied their chairs aside - Elfman holding Evergreen steady in his lap - so that the dragon slayer could take a seat between them, across from Mest.
"Because he made a joke in poor taste," Evergreen said.
"About what?"
"Wendy's pregnant again," Freed explained.
Laxus's eyes widened. "Holy shit, AGAIN?!"
"I wish everyone would stop saying that," Mest complained.
"Mest, you've got to keep it in your pants."
"Laxus, have you seen my wife? I dare any man with a wife as gorgeous as mine to keep it in his pants, especially when she gives me the bedroom eyes." He got a little faraway smile on his face, remembering.
Laxus threw a wadded up napkin at him.
"Hey!"
"Quit perving on my little sister, Mest," the lightning mage growled.
"She's not your sister just because she's a dragon slayer, too. Besides, she's my wife, you lunkhead. I'll perv on her all I want."
"Telling Mest not to perv on Wendy is like telling you not to perv on Mira, Laxus," Bickslow agreed.
"Don't talk about perving on my wife, Bickslow," Laxus said with a glare.
"Can we all get back to the point here?" Mest said, breaking into their brewing argument. "Namely that my semen is superpowered love juice, and Wendy's eggs are catnip to my sperm?"
"It must be the dragon thing," Evergreen mused. "Don't you think? Like, something about Wendy's reproductive system makes it especially fertile because she's got dragon in her?"
All eyes turned to Laxus, who shrugged and sipped his beer. "Could be. Though Mira and I've only got the two so far."
"Yeah, but Wendy's a female," Freed argued. "She's the one actually bearing the young, unlike in your case, where you're merely fertilizing the mother."
"You could call it fertilizing," Laxus hummed, nodding. "If you're an asshole without a drop of romance in your soul."
"I'm just trying to formulate a hypothesis based on the available data, Laxus," Freed protested. "I'm in no way trying to demean your sexual relationship with Mirajane."
"I bet if Mira was a dragon slayer, too, you'd be having multiples every nine months," Evergreen giggled. "Twins. Triplets."
Elfman groaned. "Oh Mavis. I can barely handle being uncle to two of them."
"That's actually a good point, Evergreen," Freed remarked. "Dragons typically lay eggs in clutches of two or three. Therefore it makes sense that a female dragon slayer would be biologically primed to give birth to multiple offspring at a time, if inseminated by a male dragon slayer. Since Mest here is just a human, not a dragon slayer, Wendy's body compensates by getting pregnant as frequently as it can to ensure the furtherance of the species."
Everyone stared thoughtfully into the air as they digested that.
"I think I need to fuck my wife more often," Laxus finally observed.
Elfman winced. "Laxus, can you please not talk about having sex with my sister when I'm sitting right here?"
The dragon slayer shrugged. "So move."
A commotion by the guild hall's door drew their attention. The door swung open and Wendy drifted in, a deliriously happy smile on her face. Her long blue hair was pinned up in a messy bun. One hand was holding the end of a silky rope. As she wandered into the guild hall the rope stretched out behind her, gripped in turn by four pairs of young hands. First came the three year old twins, Fubuki and Chiono. Then the five year old, Lahar. Bringing up the rear was Limaria, the eldest at seven years old. Perched on Wendy's hip was Garion, the (current) youngest at two years old and already the spitting image of his father.
"Gryder family's in the house," Bickslow remarked, chuckling.
Mest's face dissolved into a fond smile. Wendy was glowing; she was always blissfully happy when she was pregnant, and it showed in every line of her body. He watched as she easily herded the children to a table and passed Garion off to Limaria, then sent Lahar to the bar to get some juice for them all from Mirajane. That done, she came to join him at the Raijin's table.
"Hey, beautiful," Mest greeted, wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her down into his lap to kiss her sweetly.
"Hi, handsome," Wendy giggled, nuzzling his nose.
"Did the kids behave at Porlyusica's?"
"You know they always do. She terrifies them."
"She terrifies everyone, sweetheart." He kissed her chin and she purred happily.
"Oh gods, you two are disgustingly cute," Evergreen gagged, shifting into a more comfortable position in Elfman's lap and looping her arm around the back of his neck.
"Yeah, no wonder you keep getting knocked up, Wendy," Bickslow agreed.
"Which is Bickslow's crude way of saying congratulations," Freed sighed, leaning across the space between them to give Wendy a hug. "Mest told us the news."
"Thank you, Freed," Wendy beamed, hugging him in return, then curling against Mest again as the rune mage pulled away. "Thank you, everyone. It was a surprise."
"At this point with you two, it's really not," Laxus observed.
"Honestly it would be more surprising if you managed to go more than two years without adding another Gryder to the brood," Evergreen agreed.
Wendy laughed and tucked her face into Mest's neck. He rubbed her back.
"I have something to tell you," she whispered by his ear.
Mest furrowed his brow and leaned closer as she cupped a hand around her mouth and lowered her voice in further, so Laxus's increased dragon hearing couldn't pick up her words.
Mest's eyes widened. "Holy shit, AGAIN?!" he exclaimed.
Wendy sat up and nodded happily, her smile brilliant.
Mest groaned and dragged a hand over his face. "We need a bigger house."
Wendy laughed and kissed him as she hopped off his lap. "I have to go tell the girls. Don't get too drunk, okay? We need to celebrate tonight."
He nodded weakly as she kissed the top of his head, and just had the presence of mind to swat her playfully on the backside as she scampered away.
"Don't even tell us," Bickslow said.
"We already know," Freed agreed.
"It's twins again, isn't it?" Elfman asked.
Mest crumpled forward over the table. "A boy and a girl this time," he said, face mashed into the wood.
Laxus raised his hand to get Mira's attention. "Bring a barrel over," he mouthed to his wife, pointing at Mest with a meaningful expression.
Mira frowned in confusion for a moment, then her face lit up as she started looking around for Wendy. Spotting the younger woman, the silver-haired takeover mage squealed and darted in her direction.
Laxus sighed. "Great. The she-devil figured it out already. Hang on, buddy, I'll get you more beer." He pushed away from the table and clapped Mest on the back as he passed. He ruffled Limaria's blue-black hair as the little girl passed him with her baby brother, making her giggle.
Mest looked up at the sound of his daughter, and he smiled. "Hey baby. You behaving?"
"Yes, daddy." She held Garion's hand, her little brother looking around the guild hall with curious eyes as he toddled behind her.
"Mommy said you were a good girl at Granny Porlyusica's." He lifted her onto his knee, scooping Garion up under his arm and making the little boy squeal and kick with delight.
Limaria's brown eyes widened in horror. "She said she'd turn me into a mushroom," she whispered fearfully.
Mest laughed and kissed her forehead. "Don't worry. If Granny Porlyusica ever turned you into a mushroom, I'd march over there and make her turn you right back."
Garion had managed to wiggle free and crawled under the table, where he was now playing with Bickslow's dormant totems. The seith gainfully brought them back to consciousness, and they immediately squeaked with excitement at having a playmate to entertain.
"Don't break Mr. Bickslow's friends, Garion," Mest warned, peeking under the table, before turning his attention back to his daughter. "You okay, sweetie? Usually you'd be running around with Uncle Natsu right now. What's wrong?"
Limaria pouted and leaned on his shoulder. "Mommy's gonna have more babies," she mumbled.
Mest rubbed her back. "I know she is, honey. Another brother and sister for you."
"But daddy, the rope is already so looooong. We can't fit anyone else!"
Evergreen snorted across the table, but covered it quickly by pretending to sneeze.
Mest glared at her over Limaria's head before returning his attention to the little girl. "Maybe we'll get two ropes, hmm? And you can hold onto one while me or mommy hold on to the other."
The little girl's brown eyes glowed with excitement. Responsibility! Like a big girl! "Really, daddy?"
"Yep. And you can hold my hand so we make sure no one gets lost. Okay?" He held her tiny hand in his big one.
Limaria beamed and launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Love you, daddy!"
Mest laughed and bear-hugged her in return, making her squeak. "Love you, too, Limerick. Now go on back to your sisters, okay? I'll be right over."
"Kay!" The little girl squirmed out of his lap, then paused before running off and instead darted around the table, stopping at each member of the Raijinshuu (and Elfman) in turn to peck them each on the cheek. "Bye, Freed-san! Bye, Bicky-san! By, Ever-san! By, Elf-nii!" Then she skipped off, passing Laxus once again as the dragon slayer returned with a barrel of beer under his arm. "Bye, Lacky-san!"
"Oi!" he barked. "I'm not a lackey!"
Limaria laughed as she ran away.
"That kid of yours," Laxus growled, dropping the barrel on the table in front of Mest and taking his seat again.
Mest grinned. "She's probably going to be your daughter-in-law someday, what with her a Perrin being the same age and all."
"Shut it, Gryder. Drink your beer."
"Actually, I think I'm going to go see my kids. Apparently in a few months I'm going to have two more underfoot, so I'd better give the ones I've already got all the attention I can muster while I've got the energy." He stood up and pushed the barrel to the center of the table. "You guys can have this. Knock yourselves out."
Reaching under the table he grabbed Garion by the straps of his dungarees and dragged the little boy out and up into his arms. The toddler started to fuss until Bickslow's totems followed him out from under the table, spinning around Mest's head and babbling in baby talk.
"Yeah, yeah, fine, you can come, too," the spatial mage muttered to the totems, lifting Garion onto his shoulders. "But the instant you make one of them cry, I'm throwing the whole lot of you into the wood chipper."
"Oi! Don't threaten my kids!" Bickslow shouted.
Mest flipped him the bird behind his back as he walked away, Garion laughing and playing with the totems as they spun around him.
"I can't tell if that's the luckiest or unluckiest guy in Fairy Tail," Evergreen sighed, leaning her head on Elfman's shoulder and smiling when the burly takeover mage kissed her forehead and started stroking her hair.
They watched as Mest swung his youngest son down from his shoulders to sit on the floor with his twin daughters, the three of them playing peekaboo with Bickslow's totems. Then the spatial mage dropped into a chair as Lahar and Limaria crawled into his lap, the younger of the two forcing a hardcover book into his father's hands as the two settled in for storytime. Mest pecked them both on top of the head, then cracked open the book and started to read. In the background Wendy was surrounded by a crowd of cooing, congratulatory women, but her eyes were soft as she watched her husband reading to their children.
Laxus chuckled and poured himself a beer.
"The fact he's in Fairy Tail already makes him pretty damn lucky," he said. "The rest of it's just gravy."
THE END