Good Intentions

Two South Park songfics

Eric's POV, KylexCartman

Song: Hate Me by Blue October

Disclaimer: South Park belongs to Matt and Trey, and Hate Me belongs to Blue October

This is one of the weirder things I've written, but it doesn't really get weird until chapter 2.

Shirts, pants, shoes. That's all I'll need for a while. Scratch that; that's all I can have for a while. Without you, I'll never have all that I need. But it's not me we're thinking about here.

You once said that it was impossible for me to think of anyone except myself. That's true, up until now. And the funny thing is, the one time I actually do something for you, it's going to hurt both of us like a bitch. But it'll just last a while. For you.

But I can't think about that now. Because if I do, I'll just go running back to you and wrap you in my arms. I'll hurt you again.

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

Yes, that's right. It's my fault. I can't believe it took me until now to realize it. I've never admitted myself at fault before; it's always been blamed on you, my mom, the school, the government- anyone but me. But this whole time, it's only been me.

Of course, you stuck with me. But that's just you. You're too kind hearted for your own good. It breaks my heart to see you pat my shoulder after I hit you, telling me that everything's going to be okay. I should be comforting you! You shouldn't have to be strong all the time just to make sure I'm okay. I hear you cry at night.

There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want from you, will you never call again
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

I'm not running from you, I'm running for you. I've tried and failed to keep myself from hurting you. The safest thing for you is to just to forget. Forget all the times I told you that I loved you, because those were followed by shouting matches. Forget all the times we kissed behind the mall, because those were followed by you crying late into the night. Forget all the times we had sex, because those were followed by me hitting you because things didn't go my way. Forget all the times where I was involved. Forget me, my love.

I know it will be hard at first, but there are so many other people that deserve you so much more. Someone who will see you the way I always did deep in my heart. Someone who will feel the warmth radiating from you. Someone who cringes at the thought of ever hurting you the tiniest bit. Someone who will offer their shoulder for you to cry on, instead of making you be the strong one all the time. Because that's impossible, even for someone as strong as you. Don't you want that?

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

If I still thought of only myself, I wouldn't regret having come into your life. I was trapped by a bridge I'd burned myself. The drinking, the smoking, the drugs, – you pulled me out. I just wish I'd gotten to show you that you did.

The drinking is what made me hit you when I was confused. The smoking was what gave me health problems and caused me to puke my guts out every morning. The drugs made me into somebody else completely; it's not even worth explaining.

But when I drunkenly hit you, you would stay with me until I sobered up enough to apologize, and then you wouldn't hear it. You sent me to an Alcoholics Anonymous class so I could help myself. You weren't thinking of yourself at all, you just wanted me to be all right.

I was angry when you took my cigarettes. I didn't realize you were helping me then. I just screamed at you and beat you and insulted you to no end. But you told me that I would feel better soon. That I'd never have that icky taste in my mouth again.

You helped me on the drugs without even knowing it. For the first time, I had guilt trips when I went to go get my stuff. I didn't know what I would do when I got home. I didn't know who would get hurt. I made myself stop.

I'm sober now for three whole months
It's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart
Is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to think you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself
You were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

All done packing? I was hoping it wouldn't go so fast, but I suppose it's all for the best. I scribbled a quick note to my mother. "Moving out. Call you later. Love, Eric." She won't care if I don't explain much. She just wants to know I'm not dead.

Without a second glance back, I grab my suitcase and walk out into the cold night. I'll miss the snowy Colorado weather. No matter how often I complained of it, I still really found it relaxing. But I can't think of the good things, or else I'll convince myself to stay.

I hop into my black Toyota Tundra and start the ignition. Being the awesome car that it is, it starts immediately. Unlike Kenny's piece of shit. Sure, it's a huge truck, but I'm a huge boy, as you always love to point out. I throw my suitcase in the truck bed and pull out of the driveway. I have one stop to make before I go.

It's right around the corner, and the journey is fast. I'd give anything for it to be the slowest ride of my life. I'd give anything to never reach your house. But this isn't about me. For once, it's about you.

I climb from the driver's seat and approach your door, twisting the tiny envelope in my hands. You'll probably open it and laugh your guts out, calling me a fucking fag and swearing on my name. It comforts me to think this, although I know that it's not true.

I stand in front of your house for over a half hour. It's two in the morning, and you're not going to notice me. You're not going to notice if I cry. The tears prick at the corners of my large brown eyes, and I try to ignore them. But they won't be neglected, and they pour down my face and onto my red jacket. I can't make myself utter the two last words.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
'Til I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away", just make a smile
Come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

"Bye, Kyle."

With those words, my feet take me down his porch and all the way back to the door of my truck. I want so badly to look back, but I know if I do, I won't be able to leave. I need to leave. You need me to leave.

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
For you
For you
For you

Continue... continue... continue... ------------------------------------------------------------